I haven't written since I was trying to get that large elephant off of my chest. I have been enjoying my marriage and taking in the last bit of the first year- and let me just say the first year was great.
Along the way in revealing my weaknesses, my vulnerabilities, my struggles and what I am dealing with as a Christian woman- not anyone else's stuff- it seems I have been once again labeled a hypocrite and the internet police have said "I can't do that". Word to the wise- if you complain about what I write- and tell me directly to my face that you don't want to read my blog or talk about me and what I write- um...don't read it. It isn't a make or break deal for me. But in all seriousness, if you say you could care less what I write about (hey, for the record- it is mainly Jesus)- why are you still here?? You don't have to read this, no one is forcing you.
I'm not alarmed if my readership doesn't increase. Again, this is my therapy and my time. This is my blog. Not a tutorial. Not a cookbook. Not a fashionista stop. There are plenty of awesome blogs that do that. This is however, my real world and I'm trying to be honest. I'm not here to deal with anyone but me. My writings can come across as snarky, but if you truly know me- and know my heart- you know that being a Christian is everything to me.
Since my last reveal of what I had been dealing with, I have prayed and prayed- gone to the alter and prayed for healing and restoration. I have shared my struggle of unforgiveness with my Sunday School class and I have complained to my husband for the past 4 months.
I haven't been praying just for me- I have been trying to pray for the people who hurt me as well (even when they don't want my prayers). Do y'all even know how hard that is? I'm thankful that I have a God-fearing husband who helps me with the things I struggle with. He reminds me that they need grace just as Christ gave it to me. Hard. Pill. To. Swallow.
Grace can be summed up as: getting what you don't deserve. Man, sometimes I wish that "eye for an eye" was still in play. That is wrong guys, but that is truth. But my loving husband with his patient and godly heart, reminds me that it does no good to treat people the way they treat you. It only makes your character a reflection of your flesh- and not a reflection of Christ.
My one and only goal in this life that I have been given is to model Christ. All the rest will fade away. I want to know that I have defended my faith and stood up when others persecuted the Jesus I love. I want to know that I have been an example of Christ to others when they needed it most. I don't selfishly want this for my gratification- I want it for God's glorification. Move me out of the picture.
Sometimes I don't have a Christ-like attitude. You know why? Because I let my flesh get the best of me and let the devil get a foothold. I am human- and I never said I was perfect. I do, however, believe in the author and perfecter of my faith and I know that Christ is in me.
As the last days of lent wrap up, I pray my revelation of Christ is magnified and he is glorified. I pray for healing still in my heart and those who have shot the arrows. I pray for Easter to be a marvelous reminder that God's love for us is real and nothing can take that away from us.
My real life. Sometimes I say what I feel, sometimes I don't know what to say.
Showing posts with label Frustrations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Frustrations. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Dreams Crushed
There are times when I think I am on top of the world. These times do not happen often. I would say maybe 15% of the time. The rest- oh the rest are the times when I am defeated, deflated, and broken hearted.
It seems like it is always always an uphill battle. Yesterday was one of those days. So often I have these dreams and plans and really good ideas (in my mind- I'm sure others would beg to differ)- and so many times they get crushed. Shattered.
More like a pinata beaten with a pair of scissors and ran through a paper shredder.
Sometimes I just feel like no matter how hard I try- it is never good enough. Our devotion was about this the other night- but it talked about marriage and not just in general. Maybe I need to re-read it since I was half asleep when we did it.
It is very hard to sit back and watch others do something that you wanted to do or enjoyed doing(or felt you were good at) and see them gain success and fame and praise.
Let me say this: it is not that I don't want others to be successful- that isn't it at all. I do want that for others. I am proud of my friends in all their triumphs and beautiful stories. I just question why I keep missing the opportunity bus.
As I sat at our big dining table and wrote addresses on cards last night- I felt the sting of tears fill my eyes. I choked them down and went and locked myself in our bathroom. As I stood looking up to God asking a million and 1 questions as to why I can never be "that great" or "why no one thinks I am that great" or "why is there always another step to be "great" to the world" and just plain "why are you doing this to me God"- I didn't really get an answer. All I did was just stand there and hurt.
Pride is a weird thing. I don't want to boast about myself and come across as the world revolves around me- I like the humble side- yet at the same time I want people to thing I am awesome. I do want that praise that I finally did something right. Not for me to be filled with lavish admiration, but for me to finally feel as if I did something that benefited someone.
My sweet husband came and found me after I had showered and calmed down (he has to hear ALL of my frustrations, be glad that isn't you). He says to stop comparing myself to others. I tell him he has no idea what it is like to be a girl- and he agrees. It isn't that easy, but I wish it was.
I don't have any life changing words to say about this. I tried praying about it but got so frustrated I quit. I'm sure I could find some scripture to change my heart- but I'm not there yet. I'm hoping this case of the blues- more like grays and blacks- will soon pass.
It seems like it is always always an uphill battle. Yesterday was one of those days. So often I have these dreams and plans and really good ideas (in my mind- I'm sure others would beg to differ)- and so many times they get crushed. Shattered.
More like a pinata beaten with a pair of scissors and ran through a paper shredder.
Sometimes I just feel like no matter how hard I try- it is never good enough. Our devotion was about this the other night- but it talked about marriage and not just in general. Maybe I need to re-read it since I was half asleep when we did it.
It is very hard to sit back and watch others do something that you wanted to do or enjoyed doing
Let me say this: it is not that I don't want others to be successful- that isn't it at all. I do want that for others. I am proud of my friends in all their triumphs and beautiful stories. I just question why I keep missing the opportunity bus.
As I sat at our big dining table and wrote addresses on cards last night- I felt the sting of tears fill my eyes. I choked them down and went and locked myself in our bathroom. As I stood looking up to God asking a million and 1 questions as to why I can never be "that great" or "why no one thinks I am that great" or "why is there always another step to be "great" to the world" and just plain "why are you doing this to me God"- I didn't really get an answer. All I did was just stand there and hurt.
Pride is a weird thing. I don't want to boast about myself and come across as the world revolves around me- I like the humble side- yet at the same time I want people to thing I am awesome. I do want that praise that I finally did something right. Not for me to be filled with lavish admiration, but for me to finally feel as if I did something that benefited someone.
My sweet husband came and found me after I had showered and calmed down (he has to hear ALL of my frustrations, be glad that isn't you). He says to stop comparing myself to others. I tell him he has no idea what it is like to be a girl- and he agrees. It isn't that easy, but I wish it was.
I don't have any life changing words to say about this. I tried praying about it but got so frustrated I quit. I'm sure I could find some scripture to change my heart- but I'm not there yet. I'm hoping this case of the blues- more like grays and blacks- will soon pass.
Monday, January 13, 2014
It just takes one
Just one bad thing to ruin your day. Whether that be your hair not cooperating- your closet not bearing anything worthy of being worn- or the sight of someone you don't want to see- it only takes one.
As a girl- I can say we have a lot more "one" days than guys. Makeup, shoes, the whole getting ready process- the shopping process- you get my drift. My husband is making his own gun and when his drill bit became consumed in whatever he was drilling- he was mad but he didn't dwell on it. When he broke something of some kind of ring for the gun- he got upset- but didn't stay there.
Not me. I am not like that- but I wish I was. That one thing then turns into a million for me and I just let it eat me up. The whole day is a waste. Why do we get so frustrated? Well, maybe you don't- but I sure do.
A long time ago someone (jokingly) said Hezekiah 4:7 says "Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape". A good virtue- but not an easy task.
"I can't win for losing" "If I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all" "Everything and everyone is out to get me" "Could this day get any worse"- I have said these words to myself many many times. Over pointless things. (well at the time they do not seem pointless, but when I tell someone else, that's when I realize how worked up I have gotten over something small).
I was really frustrated today about something that was out of my control- but created a REALLY awkward position for me to be in. Social media I swear is going to be the death of me. Get in trouble for this. Get in trouble for that. Don't you dare make a comment here- and don't you dare have a picture here- or there. Grief.
Today on my way home to lunch I was reminded of how much God blesses me. I heard this song from Dave Barnes- I had never heard it before- and I just had to stop. Stop and really think about where I am and why I am frustrated.
After I got home, I reminded myself of the words my husband (he is so much calmer and discerning than me) told me earlier- and I just paused and thanked God for the blessings. Kevin said "Look at your left hand". Hmmm. That is enough for today. "Do my best to change what I can- I've got more than I ever thought I would".
I hope you too on this Monday find the "good" in your life. It only takes one good thing to far outweigh that one bad thing. Listen to this song when you are down- and know that God is still in the business of blessing and I am praying for you.
-Rachel
As a girl- I can say we have a lot more "one" days than guys. Makeup, shoes, the whole getting ready process- the shopping process- you get my drift. My husband is making his own gun and when his drill bit became consumed in whatever he was drilling- he was mad but he didn't dwell on it. When he broke something of some kind of ring for the gun- he got upset- but didn't stay there.
Not me. I am not like that- but I wish I was. That one thing then turns into a million for me and I just let it eat me up. The whole day is a waste. Why do we get so frustrated? Well, maybe you don't- but I sure do.
A long time ago someone (jokingly) said Hezekiah 4:7 says "Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape". A good virtue- but not an easy task.
"I can't win for losing" "If I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all" "Everything and everyone is out to get me" "Could this day get any worse"- I have said these words to myself many many times. Over pointless things. (well at the time they do not seem pointless, but when I tell someone else, that's when I realize how worked up I have gotten over something small).
I was really frustrated today about something that was out of my control- but created a REALLY awkward position for me to be in. Social media I swear is going to be the death of me. Get in trouble for this. Get in trouble for that. Don't you dare make a comment here- and don't you dare have a picture here- or there. Grief.
Today on my way home to lunch I was reminded of how much God blesses me. I heard this song from Dave Barnes- I had never heard it before- and I just had to stop. Stop and really think about where I am and why I am frustrated.
I hope you too on this Monday find the "good" in your life. It only takes one good thing to far outweigh that one bad thing. Listen to this song when you are down- and know that God is still in the business of blessing and I am praying for you.
-Rachel
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Snap back to reality
These last couple of months have been an incredibly trying time in mine and my family's lives. To say that it is has been bad is an understatement. A Jerry Springer episode is a better example of what we have been living. Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
(You know you watched. Just to see what crazy story would come up next- and laugh at how mind-boggling people really could be. It was my daily ritual for a while with my mom- no shame in my game.)
If I were to really write it out- what arguments, what hateful, disturbing words have been said, what actions have been completed, and what image is really portrayed- you would really laugh because it is so insanely ridiculous.
It never ceases to amaze me that stuff hits the fan around the holidays- not just in my family but in lots of families. Instead of celebrations and the excitement and magic of Christmas abounding- people get mean and vicious and turn vile.
There have been many sleepless nights and many tears shed over the past month. Tears shed over things that we cannot control. Many prayers and pleadings lifted to God- and many doubts that this is really our life right now. Disclaimer: Kevin and I are fine..beyond blessed and happily married with a healthy communication system. But the rest of the things we have been dealing with are not fine.
Sometimes we get hurt and sometimes there are people in our lives who live to just make us miserable. I know we have made mistakes as well- I do not deny that. I also know that we are only a part of the problem. I know my family's struggles are just a small portion of what is really going on in this world today.
So much evil. Pure evil and animosity. Why? Why are people just down right ugly and inconsiderate? At Christmas!? Why do we let people have that influence over us?
I don't have the answers- and I don't understand why people in your own family treat you like you are a criminal. No- criminals have better treatment than we have been given. Maybe an outcast- a leper would be the best example I can think of. Completely cutoff from the rest of the world because YOU (mainly its just me) have a problem (or are the problem).
Christmas should be about cherishing the times you have with loved ones. Focusing on how you can share Jesus with others to advance the kingdom. Love and sweet memories are supposed to be made- not hate and nightmares. It is truly the most wonderful time of the year- but this year is different.
I don't know what other people are dealing with right now, but I know we aren't the only ones who have real life problems that are never known to the outside world. In the past year- we have seen 5 of our friend's marriages crumble. Our friends have seen loved ones go before their time. We have seen families ripped apart because of the actions of a few individuals. We have heard of families losing everything- from fires, to money- to just reasons that are out of their hands. We have also seen how people's true colors come out- and I can tell you- they are fitting for the season. Red with anger & hate and green with envy & spite.
God has been trying to teach me something and I haven't been listening. Two weeks ago our Sunday School lesson was about loving others like Christ did- and treating them how Christ did. I have failed incredibly at this. My anger and my bitterness and my hurt have hidden the light in me. This week I even taught the Sunday School lesson- and it was about where our hope comes from. Things may seem hopeless to us- but they are never hopeless with God. Apparently I didn't get the message until now.
God has been there- and thankfully he still is there. He knows the struggles. He is just waiting for us to come and give all thecrap, disappointment, frustrations, bitterness, hurt, and pure anger to Him to resolve. It is hard to realize that you can't fix people- or the problems people create for you, but find comfort in knowing that God wants to- and everything is possible with Him.
Praying specifically today for God to work not just in my family, but for anyone else who is having a hard time this Christmas.
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
(You know you watched. Just to see what crazy story would come up next- and laugh at how mind-boggling people really could be. It was my daily ritual for a while with my mom- no shame in my game.)
If I were to really write it out- what arguments, what hateful, disturbing words have been said, what actions have been completed, and what image is really portrayed- you would really laugh because it is so insanely ridiculous.
It never ceases to amaze me that stuff hits the fan around the holidays- not just in my family but in lots of families. Instead of celebrations and the excitement and magic of Christmas abounding- people get mean and vicious and turn vile.
There have been many sleepless nights and many tears shed over the past month. Tears shed over things that we cannot control. Many prayers and pleadings lifted to God- and many doubts that this is really our life right now. Disclaimer: Kevin and I are fine..beyond blessed and happily married with a healthy communication system. But the rest of the things we have been dealing with are not fine.
Sometimes we get hurt and sometimes there are people in our lives who live to just make us miserable. I know we have made mistakes as well- I do not deny that. I also know that we are only a part of the problem. I know my family's struggles are just a small portion of what is really going on in this world today.
So much evil. Pure evil and animosity. Why? Why are people just down right ugly and inconsiderate? At Christmas!? Why do we let people have that influence over us?
I don't have the answers- and I don't understand why people in your own family treat you like you are a criminal. No- criminals have better treatment than we have been given. Maybe an outcast- a leper would be the best example I can think of. Completely cutoff from the rest of the world because
Christmas should be about cherishing the times you have with loved ones. Focusing on how you can share Jesus with others to advance the kingdom. Love and sweet memories are supposed to be made- not hate and nightmares. It is truly the most wonderful time of the year- but this year is different.
I don't know what other people are dealing with right now, but I know we aren't the only ones who have real life problems that are never known to the outside world. In the past year- we have seen 5 of our friend's marriages crumble. Our friends have seen loved ones go before their time. We have seen families ripped apart because of the actions of a few individuals. We have heard of families losing everything- from fires, to money- to just reasons that are out of their hands. We have also seen how people's true colors come out- and I can tell you- they are fitting for the season. Red with anger & hate and green with envy & spite.
God has been trying to teach me something and I haven't been listening. Two weeks ago our Sunday School lesson was about loving others like Christ did- and treating them how Christ did. I have failed incredibly at this. My anger and my bitterness and my hurt have hidden the light in me. This week I even taught the Sunday School lesson- and it was about where our hope comes from. Things may seem hopeless to us- but they are never hopeless with God. Apparently I didn't get the message until now.
God has been there- and thankfully he still is there. He knows the struggles. He is just waiting for us to come and give all the
Praying specifically today for God to work not just in my family, but for anyone else who is having a hard time this Christmas.
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Love them like Jesus does
I haven't blogged in a really long time. I had to take a break from social media and regroup- because honestly- some people are just overwhelming and ridiculous.
I am sure I will make a lot of mini posts more than longer ones- because I have a lot rolling around in my head and heart that I need to get out. I guess I could use a journal- but some of it is more relevant for others to hear than for me to just keep it to myself.
My heart broke last night at VBS. The teacher asked the kids if they could share a really sad time in their life and the first kid to raise his hand said "My dad died in the Coast Guard". If that doesnt break your heart- then you are in need of some help.
I had tears well up in my eyes and I know a few of the other ladies did as well. Man I complain so much- and this kid- just broke me down.
I have been SO SICK OF PEOPLE lately. From the pointless and stupid posts- to the teenage love soap operas- and the freaking pictures in the gym- I just was ready to nut up on someone. I took a couple days of break- and it was so nice not to hear about things I could care less about.
Our culture is now defined by the amount of pictures you can take and amount of hashtags you can use. (I have these accounts too- so I hear myself talking). People- WAKE UP. We are missing out.
I dont dang care how many times a week you go to the gym- nor do I want to see pictures of that while you are at the gym. Just work out- geeze. We are missing so many opportunities. I'm sure people don't want to see pictures of my dogs either- so I see both sides. The point I am making is we are not using our time wisely.
I have been reminded the past few days how precious time with the Lord is- and how unimportant our selfish desires really are. Kevin and I read the Bible the other night together and it was such a blessing to just sit and listen to hear him read it and us talk about it.
God has been trying to teach me the art of learning to keep my mouth shut. And I have- for the most part. I have stayed away from people- I have hidden people on my feeds- I have not given my opinion even when it burned inside of me to correct people's ignorance- but the one thing I have yet to do- is pray about it as much as I get mad about it. God has also been trying to teach me to love others like he does.
My husband gave me a firm reminder last night about "making fun" of people. I thought I was just stating a "fact" and he said different.
It is so hard to love people. I have written about that before- but God needs to apparently teach me again because I didnt get it the first time. People frustrate us- let us down- lie to us- overwhelm and neglect us. But the one thing we can do is love them like Jesus did. Just love them- even if you can't bring yourself to like them. Pray for them- pray for blessings for them. Be real- and nice to them- even when it hurts you or your pride.
Funny- one of our VBS verses this week is "Encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing". (1 Thess 5:11)- God help me to set out to be "doing".
I am sure I will make a lot of mini posts more than longer ones- because I have a lot rolling around in my head and heart that I need to get out. I guess I could use a journal- but some of it is more relevant for others to hear than for me to just keep it to myself.
My heart broke last night at VBS. The teacher asked the kids if they could share a really sad time in their life and the first kid to raise his hand said "My dad died in the Coast Guard". If that doesnt break your heart- then you are in need of some help.
I had tears well up in my eyes and I know a few of the other ladies did as well. Man I complain so much- and this kid- just broke me down.
I have been SO SICK OF PEOPLE lately. From the pointless and stupid posts- to the teenage love soap operas- and the freaking pictures in the gym- I just was ready to nut up on someone. I took a couple days of break- and it was so nice not to hear about things I could care less about.
Our culture is now defined by the amount of pictures you can take and amount of hashtags you can use. (I have these accounts too- so I hear myself talking). People- WAKE UP. We are missing out.
I dont dang care how many times a week you go to the gym- nor do I want to see pictures of that while you are at the gym. Just work out- geeze. We are missing so many opportunities. I'm sure people don't want to see pictures of my dogs either- so I see both sides. The point I am making is we are not using our time wisely.
I have been reminded the past few days how precious time with the Lord is- and how unimportant our selfish desires really are. Kevin and I read the Bible the other night together and it was such a blessing to just sit and listen to hear him read it and us talk about it.
God has been trying to teach me the art of learning to keep my mouth shut. And I have- for the most part. I have stayed away from people- I have hidden people on my feeds- I have not given my opinion even when it burned inside of me to correct people's ignorance- but the one thing I have yet to do- is pray about it as much as I get mad about it. God has also been trying to teach me to love others like he does.
My husband gave me a firm reminder last night about "making fun" of people. I thought I was just stating a "fact" and he said different.
It is so hard to love people. I have written about that before- but God needs to apparently teach me again because I didnt get it the first time. People frustrate us- let us down- lie to us- overwhelm and neglect us. But the one thing we can do is love them like Jesus did. Just love them- even if you can't bring yourself to like them. Pray for them- pray for blessings for them. Be real- and nice to them- even when it hurts you or your pride.
Funny- one of our VBS verses this week is "Encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing". (1 Thess 5:11)- God help me to set out to be "doing".
Friday, May 10, 2013
Someone you know needs to hear this
I'm just going to say it. A lot of friends and people we know are going through the process of the "d" word. It is really overwhelming for me as a newlywed to see so many marriages around me failing. Kevin and I sat at dinner the other night and prayed specifically for 3 sets of couples that we know.
Some of these- oh a "d" word is the best thing for them. No one deserves to be slapped around, yelled at and cornered- or lied to and continually put down. There is no place for any of that in a marriage.
Relationships that are strained need 3 things- in my personal opinion. I know that I am not a Counselor, but I do know that these have been essential to us during our engagement, and even more so now that we are married.
Communication- If you don't talk about it- the person doesn't know about it. Allow time to talk- openly and freely and learn to understand that words can truly determine how the rest of the day is going to go. Be a Barnabas- and encourage each other. Use words to build them up and not tear them down. (Ephesians 4:29)
Use the utensil model to determine what kind of person you want to be. A knife, a fork or a spoon. A knife is used to tear apart things. Are the words and actions you choose tearing people apart and ruining them? A fork pierces and pokes. Are you continually playing on weaknesses and poking fun or making them feel like less of a person? Forks also have holes. Are you choosing to allow somethings to disappear in your life that you don't want the other to know about? Or do you choose to be the spoon? Spoons cradle and support. Spoons are the only utensil that can be used to scrape up the pieces and put them all together. Are you supporting your significant other and always there for them- using words and actions that hold them together?
Forgiveness- If you are a christian, then you should know the whole premise of our faith is built on forgiveness. Christ did the ultimate forgiveness and took on our shame and sins- and gave us new life. We should find it in our hearts to learn to look to the cross and model forgiveness after Christ. Forgiveness is NOT EASY. If it was easy, man the world be be a better place. I would encourage those who are hurt from others to seek out christian counseling so you can learn to forgive. Harboring bitterness doesn't hurt the person you are mad with- it hurts you and only you. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially.
I am a true testament that once you allow forgiveness to flow through, you can be made new again. Take my last year for example. I was so angry and hurt that I lost a lot of weight, had my hair start falling out and made my iron bottom out- as well as my credit card debt was significantly increased. Once I came to terms with my life- and forgave- I started to get better- and I have no credit card debt anymore. It is hard- but it is so worth it. Only God can create this peace in you- don't look for it any where than in the arms of Christ.
Restoration- This part is hard too. This is a process and will take an undetermined amount of time for each person. It is vital to any part of healing you want to take part in. Know this: Just as only we can learn forgiveness from Jesus, we can only be restored by God. Nothing else on this earth can fill this void. We can fill it with doughnuts- or the gym. You can put other people in there to "fix" you- or you can shut out the world. You can also give up- or you can give in. No matter what earthly thing you choose- the only way you can be restored is through God working in and out of you.
If your relationship is failing- (and more so to the account that you/your other said "I just don't love you anymore) I would encourage you to get in the Word, pray often, seek out christian counseling- and to participate in The Love Dare. It is a book that goes along with the movie, Fireproof. If you have never seen it, you need to watch it. The Love Dare challenges all things society says about "Imma do Me" and teaches you how to put your significant other before your needs and wants.
Even if your relationship isn't failing, you need to see this movie.
God can and will take all of the brokenness and hurt- the shame and the lies- the moments of desperation and the moments of defeat- and turn it into something beautiful. It may not come as quickly as you want, but if you hold on to the promise that God is faithful to those who call out to him and believe in his son- he is and will be at work around you. Ecclesiastes 3:11- He has made everything beautiful in its time. Your time is coming- turn it over to God and allow him to start the healing process.
As I close, know that I am not judging you for your situation. I would welcome any opportunity to pray for and encourage you if you wanted it. If you need more of a pick-me up than my humble words, I hope you listen to these songs and find some strength and peace.
Some of these- oh a "d" word is the best thing for them. No one deserves to be slapped around, yelled at and cornered- or lied to and continually put down. There is no place for any of that in a marriage.
Relationships that are strained need 3 things- in my personal opinion. I know that I am not a Counselor, but I do know that these have been essential to us during our engagement, and even more so now that we are married.
Communication- If you don't talk about it- the person doesn't know about it. Allow time to talk- openly and freely and learn to understand that words can truly determine how the rest of the day is going to go. Be a Barnabas- and encourage each other. Use words to build them up and not tear them down. (Ephesians 4:29)
Use the utensil model to determine what kind of person you want to be. A knife, a fork or a spoon. A knife is used to tear apart things. Are the words and actions you choose tearing people apart and ruining them? A fork pierces and pokes. Are you continually playing on weaknesses and poking fun or making them feel like less of a person? Forks also have holes. Are you choosing to allow somethings to disappear in your life that you don't want the other to know about? Or do you choose to be the spoon? Spoons cradle and support. Spoons are the only utensil that can be used to scrape up the pieces and put them all together. Are you supporting your significant other and always there for them- using words and actions that hold them together?
Forgiveness- If you are a christian, then you should know the whole premise of our faith is built on forgiveness. Christ did the ultimate forgiveness and took on our shame and sins- and gave us new life. We should find it in our hearts to learn to look to the cross and model forgiveness after Christ. Forgiveness is NOT EASY. If it was easy, man the world be be a better place. I would encourage those who are hurt from others to seek out christian counseling so you can learn to forgive. Harboring bitterness doesn't hurt the person you are mad with- it hurts you and only you. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially.
I am a true testament that once you allow forgiveness to flow through, you can be made new again. Take my last year for example. I was so angry and hurt that I lost a lot of weight, had my hair start falling out and made my iron bottom out- as well as my credit card debt was significantly increased. Once I came to terms with my life- and forgave- I started to get better- and I have no credit card debt anymore. It is hard- but it is so worth it. Only God can create this peace in you- don't look for it any where than in the arms of Christ.
Restoration- This part is hard too. This is a process and will take an undetermined amount of time for each person. It is vital to any part of healing you want to take part in. Know this: Just as only we can learn forgiveness from Jesus, we can only be restored by God. Nothing else on this earth can fill this void. We can fill it with doughnuts- or the gym. You can put other people in there to "fix" you- or you can shut out the world. You can also give up- or you can give in. No matter what earthly thing you choose- the only way you can be restored is through God working in and out of you.
If your relationship is failing- (and more so to the account that you/your other said "I just don't love you anymore) I would encourage you to get in the Word, pray often, seek out christian counseling- and to participate in The Love Dare. It is a book that goes along with the movie, Fireproof. If you have never seen it, you need to watch it. The Love Dare challenges all things society says about "Imma do Me" and teaches you how to put your significant other before your needs and wants.
Even if your relationship isn't failing, you need to see this movie.
God can and will take all of the brokenness and hurt- the shame and the lies- the moments of desperation and the moments of defeat- and turn it into something beautiful. It may not come as quickly as you want, but if you hold on to the promise that God is faithful to those who call out to him and believe in his son- he is and will be at work around you. Ecclesiastes 3:11- He has made everything beautiful in its time. Your time is coming- turn it over to God and allow him to start the healing process.
As I close, know that I am not judging you for your situation. I would welcome any opportunity to pray for and encourage you if you wanted it. If you need more of a pick-me up than my humble words, I hope you listen to these songs and find some strength and peace.
Friday, January 18, 2013
The Sovereignty of God vs. The Frailty of Man
It is amazing how much you can learn when you truly allow yourself to see things from God's perspective than your own. One thing that I think I could say that I have learned as of late- is that no matter what is going on in this world, your own personal life, or just in general- God is still in control.
I can find comfort in this. It has been a hard road for me to get to this point- but I know I had to learn this through a lot of difficult, uncertain, and confusing parts of my life.
Let me give you some definitions for you to better understand this.(Dictionary.com provided these)
Sovereignty: -the quality or state of being sovereign -the status, dominion, power, or authority of a sovereign; royalty.
-supreme and independent power or authority in government as possessed or claimed by a state or community.
-of God, his absolute right to do all things according to his own good pleasure
Sovereign -a person who has sovereign power or authority.
-a group or body of persons or a state having sovereign authority.
-having supreme rank, power, or authority.
-being above all others in character, importance, excellence, etc.
When I say this word- It is what I consider to be a "Big" word. There is power in it. God is sovereign- he is the highest ruler- he is above all others. Sovereign. It almost sounds like "So forever reign". And that is what it is really. Hold on to that thought.
Frailty: - moral weakness; liability to yield to temptation.
-a fault resulting from moral weakness: frailties of the human flesh
Weakness. Ever felt weak in your life? Think outside of the gym, not the box. Moral weakness. You gave in- you caved- you were broken.
Now piece them together:
The absolute right of God to be in control versus the times you are weak and give in, or the times when you just don't see a reason behind why you continue to do the things you know you should not do.
God's sovereignty far out weights our frailty. We are weak. We have faults. We sometimes make decisions that do not just effect us, but others around us, and sometimes these choices has lasting consequences that we don't realize at the time.
You and I will always have the concept of frailty present in our lives. We are not Christ, therefore we are not perfect. We will mess up. We will make mistakes that don't seem that big of a deal at the time, and realize later on down the road, we could have done things differently.
But- we can have the peace that we are not defined by our mess ups- or the messups of others. Christ came to take away all of that- and to teach us that God is God- not man and he will be in control- regardless of what we try to do.
Sometimes, I think people confuse God's sovereignty with his holiness. The two are linked, but not the same. Sovereignty means God is in control. "He knows the plans he has for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"- Jeremiah 21:11 He has those plans yes, and he will remain in control, regardless of your decision to follow them.
Holiness- is something we are commanded to be multiple times throughout the word of God. This is a major theme in Leviticus- said multiple times. Paul calls us God's holy people when discussing how we should conduct our lives (Ephesians 5:3). Peter says "As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.” (1 Peter 1:14-16),which is a direct reference back to parts in Leviticus 11:44,45; 19:2.
Get a hold of this now. We are called to be holy- that is our resolution to allow God to be manifest (to be obvious, to prove, make clear or evident) in our lives. For him to be so apparent that something in us is different- that it is real, attainable, and others can see it in us. We are not holy on our own, Christ blood is what gives us the opportunity to enter in "to the holy of holies" and be transformed by God working in our lives.
We are not called to be sovereign. Only God can hold that position. God is in control- always has been, always is, and always will be. You and I have no affect on this. We are not in control. As much as I would like to think I am, I fall short of this every time. I like order. I like to be in charge. Not so much the dictator, but I just am wired where I like to know what is going on.
As many leaders and others that have gone before us, or are among us trying to be that one thing that controls everything- it just doesn't work. I look at the condition of this world that we are in, and the only thing that gives me comfort is- God is Sovereign.
God is sovereign in the times when we are at our lowest; when we feel like our country is surely bound for destruction; when we can't wrap our human minds around the evil that is present in our world; and when we just don't understand.
God is sovereign in all of the good times as well.
So forever reign. In the midst of chaos surrounding, God will forever reign. God is sovereign, even when your frailty as a human seems to take control of your life.
I can find comfort in this. It has been a hard road for me to get to this point- but I know I had to learn this through a lot of difficult, uncertain, and confusing parts of my life.
Let me give you some definitions for you to better understand this.(Dictionary.com provided these)
Sovereignty: -the quality or state of being sovereign -the status, dominion, power, or authority of a sovereign; royalty.
-supreme and independent power or authority in government as possessed or claimed by a state or community.
-of God, his absolute right to do all things according to his own good pleasure
Sovereign -a person who has sovereign power or authority.
-a group or body of persons or a state having sovereign authority.
-having supreme rank, power, or authority.
-being above all others in character, importance, excellence, etc.
When I say this word- It is what I consider to be a "Big" word. There is power in it. God is sovereign- he is the highest ruler- he is above all others. Sovereign. It almost sounds like "So forever reign". And that is what it is really. Hold on to that thought.
Frailty: - moral weakness; liability to yield to temptation.
-a fault resulting from moral weakness: frailties of the human flesh
Weakness. Ever felt weak in your life? Think outside of the gym, not the box. Moral weakness. You gave in- you caved- you were broken.
Now piece them together:
The absolute right of God to be in control versus the times you are weak and give in, or the times when you just don't see a reason behind why you continue to do the things you know you should not do.
God's sovereignty far out weights our frailty. We are weak. We have faults. We sometimes make decisions that do not just effect us, but others around us, and sometimes these choices has lasting consequences that we don't realize at the time.
You and I will always have the concept of frailty present in our lives. We are not Christ, therefore we are not perfect. We will mess up. We will make mistakes that don't seem that big of a deal at the time, and realize later on down the road, we could have done things differently.
But- we can have the peace that we are not defined by our mess ups- or the messups of others. Christ came to take away all of that- and to teach us that God is God- not man and he will be in control- regardless of what we try to do.
Sometimes, I think people confuse God's sovereignty with his holiness. The two are linked, but not the same. Sovereignty means God is in control. "He knows the plans he has for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"- Jeremiah 21:11 He has those plans yes, and he will remain in control, regardless of your decision to follow them.
Holiness- is something we are commanded to be multiple times throughout the word of God. This is a major theme in Leviticus- said multiple times. Paul calls us God's holy people when discussing how we should conduct our lives (Ephesians 5:3). Peter says "As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.” (1 Peter 1:14-16),which is a direct reference back to parts in Leviticus 11:44,45; 19:2.
Get a hold of this now. We are called to be holy- that is our resolution to allow God to be manifest (to be obvious, to prove, make clear or evident) in our lives. For him to be so apparent that something in us is different- that it is real, attainable, and others can see it in us. We are not holy on our own, Christ blood is what gives us the opportunity to enter in "to the holy of holies" and be transformed by God working in our lives.
We are not called to be sovereign. Only God can hold that position. God is in control- always has been, always is, and always will be. You and I have no affect on this. We are not in control. As much as I would like to think I am, I fall short of this every time. I like order. I like to be in charge. Not so much the dictator, but I just am wired where I like to know what is going on.
As many leaders and others that have gone before us, or are among us trying to be that one thing that controls everything- it just doesn't work. I look at the condition of this world that we are in, and the only thing that gives me comfort is- God is Sovereign.
God is sovereign in the times when we are at our lowest; when we feel like our country is surely bound for destruction; when we can't wrap our human minds around the evil that is present in our world; and when we just don't understand.
God is sovereign in all of the good times as well.
So forever reign. In the midst of chaos surrounding, God will forever reign. God is sovereign, even when your frailty as a human seems to take control of your life.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Regrets and Roots
It's been a long time- I shouldnt have left you without a dope beat to step to..
If you know that song- then you are old :) But it has been a while- so much has been going on- and the lazy bug struck me again, so here goes.
This past weekend I had the chance to take a trip down memory lane with Mr. Kevin Pope himself. We trekked off to Statesboro- his college town- his old stopmpin' grounds. Now, I had been to Statesboro a time or two in college- to visit friends on breaks that I had- but never really did anything besides the movies or dinner. This time- oh, I got the full Statesboro special.
Saturday we made our way to the tailgate for the Eagles- and I can tell you- it was way more relaxed and chill than an Athens tailgate- and a whole lot less stressed. I really liked how everyone tailgates in the same area- its not a bunch of loud people with solo cups. And the football team comes through the backside of the tailgate in their buses and everyone sets off their car alarms. Oh- and the band walks through the tailgate- which was pretty cool too. Eventually, after visiting a few tailgates of Kevin's friends, we made our way into the game. Here is where my regret started to set in.
I am pretty sure I missed out a great deal by not going to a school with football. The excitement of being a part of something way bigger than yourself really set in this weekend. I missed out on tailgating, screaming for my school and singing alma matas with my classmates. I really have no idea what it is like to feel like you are a part of the ____ nation.
This sparked a lot of other regrets that I thought about over the weekend.
I missed out on a real college experience because I didn't go away to a school. I missed out on learning what it is truly like to live on your own at an early age. I have never had to share a room- or a bathroom with anyone- even when I did move out. I have always had the luxury of having my parents around if something ever went wrong- like tearing my acl- or being sick my freshman year.
I don't know what its like to be in a class FULL of people. The most I ever had was maybe 45-50. I don't know what it is like to actually have to plan your schedule to be able to get to classes on different sides of campus.
I missed out on going to a school that people have actually heard of. I missed out on knowing what it is like to actually have to drive back to school and stay for a while. I do feel like I missed out on the fun and excitment that college is supposed to bring. I regret staying in Milledgeville all of the time- because I am still here. I regret just taking a chance and actually applying anywhere but Georgia College. I regret just actually taking a chance to leave.
I say all of this- because my college experience couldn't have been more different than my other half's. I went to a small school with no football team. I lived at home my first 2.5 years. I moved out my Jr year and still was in the same town, so nothing changed but some freedom. I had small classes. I didn't party. I would go out to dance- but I didn't drink until I turned 21- the 1st day of my Senior year. Even when I could drink legally- I didnt really do it because that just wasn't me. I didn't date anyone until my Senior year- like I think I went on maybe 3 dates in college.
My college experience was so different from that of a "typical college student"- but I have to remember that some things I wouldn't ever change.
I met an awesome core group of friends my freshman year- and to this day we still keep in touch. I spent my every waking minute either at the BSU (BCM now) or with my BSU friends. BSU was my life. I went on mission trips to Alabama, Texas, Washington DC, Atlanta- Marietta and Connecticut because of being at GCSU. I went to the beach every fall and every spring the mountains. Chattanooga is where I decided to change my major because of BSU. I was on BSU Council Freshman year- which was a 1st for our BSU. I stayed on Council til my Senior year. I was in and led Bible studies. I went home with friends for Spring Break to their parents homes and we talked about everything- and their parents loved me like I was one of their own.
I stayed up late with my BSU friends talking, singing, and laughing. My grades didn't slip because I partied, they slipped because I had too much of a social life. I have many stories that are only relevant to my friends and myself- that no one else would understand, but I wouldnt trade for anything- not even a school with football.
So as I sit here and feel as though I did miss out on my college experience, I can honestly say- it wouldn't have worked out the way it did if I went any other place. God knew what he was doing keeping me in Milledgeville. I have the best memories- and even still- some of the best friends from this lil ol' town.
If you know that song- then you are old :) But it has been a while- so much has been going on- and the lazy bug struck me again, so here goes.
This past weekend I had the chance to take a trip down memory lane with Mr. Kevin Pope himself. We trekked off to Statesboro- his college town- his old stopmpin' grounds. Now, I had been to Statesboro a time or two in college- to visit friends on breaks that I had- but never really did anything besides the movies or dinner. This time- oh, I got the full Statesboro special.
Saturday we made our way to the tailgate for the Eagles- and I can tell you- it was way more relaxed and chill than an Athens tailgate- and a whole lot less stressed. I really liked how everyone tailgates in the same area- its not a bunch of loud people with solo cups. And the football team comes through the backside of the tailgate in their buses and everyone sets off their car alarms. Oh- and the band walks through the tailgate- which was pretty cool too. Eventually, after visiting a few tailgates of Kevin's friends, we made our way into the game. Here is where my regret started to set in.
I am pretty sure I missed out a great deal by not going to a school with football. The excitement of being a part of something way bigger than yourself really set in this weekend. I missed out on tailgating, screaming for my school and singing alma matas with my classmates. I really have no idea what it is like to feel like you are a part of the ____ nation.
This sparked a lot of other regrets that I thought about over the weekend.
I missed out on a real college experience because I didn't go away to a school. I missed out on learning what it is truly like to live on your own at an early age. I have never had to share a room- or a bathroom with anyone- even when I did move out. I have always had the luxury of having my parents around if something ever went wrong- like tearing my acl- or being sick my freshman year.
I don't know what its like to be in a class FULL of people. The most I ever had was maybe 45-50. I don't know what it is like to actually have to plan your schedule to be able to get to classes on different sides of campus.
I missed out on going to a school that people have actually heard of. I missed out on knowing what it is like to actually have to drive back to school and stay for a while. I do feel like I missed out on the fun and excitment that college is supposed to bring. I regret staying in Milledgeville all of the time- because I am still here. I regret just taking a chance and actually applying anywhere but Georgia College. I regret just actually taking a chance to leave.
I say all of this- because my college experience couldn't have been more different than my other half's. I went to a small school with no football team. I lived at home my first 2.5 years. I moved out my Jr year and still was in the same town, so nothing changed but some freedom. I had small classes. I didn't party. I would go out to dance- but I didn't drink until I turned 21- the 1st day of my Senior year. Even when I could drink legally- I didnt really do it because that just wasn't me. I didn't date anyone until my Senior year- like I think I went on maybe 3 dates in college.
My college experience was so different from that of a "typical college student"- but I have to remember that some things I wouldn't ever change.
I met an awesome core group of friends my freshman year- and to this day we still keep in touch. I spent my every waking minute either at the BSU (BCM now) or with my BSU friends. BSU was my life. I went on mission trips to Alabama, Texas, Washington DC, Atlanta- Marietta and Connecticut because of being at GCSU. I went to the beach every fall and every spring the mountains. Chattanooga is where I decided to change my major because of BSU. I was on BSU Council Freshman year- which was a 1st for our BSU. I stayed on Council til my Senior year. I was in and led Bible studies. I went home with friends for Spring Break to their parents homes and we talked about everything- and their parents loved me like I was one of their own.
I stayed up late with my BSU friends talking, singing, and laughing. My grades didn't slip because I partied, they slipped because I had too much of a social life. I have many stories that are only relevant to my friends and myself- that no one else would understand, but I wouldnt trade for anything- not even a school with football.
So as I sit here and feel as though I did miss out on my college experience, I can honestly say- it wouldn't have worked out the way it did if I went any other place. God knew what he was doing keeping me in Milledgeville. I have the best memories- and even still- some of the best friends from this lil ol' town.
Monday, September 24, 2012
The so called and the lackluster
Mmm. It has been almost a month since I blogged. Much has changed in my life and there are so many words to put to type, so I hope to catch you up on thoughts and processes and just where this so called journey is taking me.
Kevin and I have been looking for a new church since July. I am not sure if you have ever had to do this, but I can sum it up in 3 words: overwhelming, sad, and frustrating. You may look at that and say those are pretty negative words to be describing the church, but those are my true thoughts right now.
Sad: hurts to leave a place where you have spent the last 4.5 years and madewhat you thought were lasting relationships and go out into the unknown looking for new ones. It hurts to know that you are leaving people you have grown to care about only to be thrust into a new life where you kinda don't exist anymore. I think it is beyond my wildest thoughts to understand people. How one minute you can be so excited for a person, then pretend you never met them the next. My guilt runs true to this as well. Why we are one way at a certain time point, and then couldn't be more opposite at other times, I will never understand. I question a lot of things right now, mainly friendships and investments and time spent with people, but I have to take it in seasons.
Overwhelming: Oh we have tried so many places. No, there isn't a perfect church, oh I know that full well. But is there a perfect place for us? My vanity comes out a lot. No, those curtains are awful. No the music was terrible. No one spoke to us. No, the preacher was boring. No, I can't raise my hand. Not any young adults. No kids. No older people. No. No. No. God is testing me in the finest right now to trust him to bring us to the place he has appointed for us. It is so hard. Oh, it is so hard. I know what I want in a church- but I have to remind myself we are going to be put at a place where we can be invested in, invest in the Kingdom, and invest in each other on our spiritual course. Why is it so easy for me to strike up conversations with random students about sex alcohol and anything else health related, but I feel like I am in a bubble when I visit churches? My heart doesn't quit pounding in my chest until the preaching starts. I look for familiar faces in the crowds and try to find some solace there, but again- I am looking in the wrong places.
Frustrating- Not getting what you want is always a long process of learning the definition of humility. Sometimes I just want to scream when we are visiting places. It is so frustrating to have these desires of belonging to a church again and being involved and going to a regular church on Wednesday and Sundays, only to come out and say "I don't care if I ever visit there again". My heart is longing to be a part of the body of Christ again. To have people who genuinely want to know you and know what is going on in your life, to pray for you, and to feel like you have someone to talk to at any given point about anything you may be dealing with- those are my deepest desires right now.
I know we will find "our" church. I know God is preparing a special place for us where we both can be comfortable and truly learn how to become more mature Christians. I know it is all going to work out, I just am wearing thin on the emotional side. It will be the best decision though. It will all be worth it when we can have no hesitations of where we are and worship the one true living God together.
It is almost October. I can honestly say 2012 has FLOWN by. Seems like just yesterday I was questioning God about my life and where it was headed in January. He has brought me so far. Oh, I know I am not the same person that used to cry at the bottom of a stairwell for hours on end burying my face in my hands or in the fur of my sweet dog. No, I haven't done that in months. Clearly I don't have issues with food anymore, as the scale might be the thing making me cry now. I have found the one whom my soul loves- and let me just say I could have never in my wildest most vivid and descriptive dreams could have planned this any better.
In all of this, I find myself still searching though. The good thing about the "dark ages" was that I had nothing but to search out the word and surround myself with it to make sure that was the thing that was making my life better. I was so deep and so intentional about my relationship with the Lord. I need that drive back again. Not saying that I want another testing of faith, FOR SURE, but I am saying that I need to have my happiness be on the same level of my despair. I need a routine to continue in searching for what God wants to tell me- and it shouldn't just come when poop hits the fan.
So, onward into Fall I press, with the notion to wrap myself up in the Lord and let him do all the work of making my life fall into place.
Kevin and I have been looking for a new church since July. I am not sure if you have ever had to do this, but I can sum it up in 3 words: overwhelming, sad, and frustrating. You may look at that and say those are pretty negative words to be describing the church, but those are my true thoughts right now.
Sad: hurts to leave a place where you have spent the last 4.5 years and made
Overwhelming: Oh we have tried so many places. No, there isn't a perfect church, oh I know that full well. But is there a perfect place for us? My vanity comes out a lot. No, those curtains are awful. No the music was terrible. No one spoke to us. No, the preacher was boring. No, I can't raise my hand. Not any young adults. No kids. No older people. No. No. No. God is testing me in the finest right now to trust him to bring us to the place he has appointed for us. It is so hard. Oh, it is so hard. I know what I want in a church- but I have to remind myself we are going to be put at a place where we can be invested in, invest in the Kingdom, and invest in each other on our spiritual course. Why is it so easy for me to strike up conversations with random students about sex alcohol and anything else health related, but I feel like I am in a bubble when I visit churches? My heart doesn't quit pounding in my chest until the preaching starts. I look for familiar faces in the crowds and try to find some solace there, but again- I am looking in the wrong places.
Frustrating- Not getting what you want is always a long process of learning the definition of humility. Sometimes I just want to scream when we are visiting places. It is so frustrating to have these desires of belonging to a church again and being involved and going to a regular church on Wednesday and Sundays, only to come out and say "I don't care if I ever visit there again". My heart is longing to be a part of the body of Christ again. To have people who genuinely want to know you and know what is going on in your life, to pray for you, and to feel like you have someone to talk to at any given point about anything you may be dealing with- those are my deepest desires right now.
I know we will find "our" church. I know God is preparing a special place for us where we both can be comfortable and truly learn how to become more mature Christians. I know it is all going to work out, I just am wearing thin on the emotional side. It will be the best decision though. It will all be worth it when we can have no hesitations of where we are and worship the one true living God together.
It is almost October. I can honestly say 2012 has FLOWN by. Seems like just yesterday I was questioning God about my life and where it was headed in January. He has brought me so far. Oh, I know I am not the same person that used to cry at the bottom of a stairwell for hours on end burying my face in my hands or in the fur of my sweet dog. No, I haven't done that in months. Clearly I don't have issues with food anymore, as the scale might be the thing making me cry now. I have found the one whom my soul loves- and let me just say I could have never in my wildest most vivid and descriptive dreams could have planned this any better.
In all of this, I find myself still searching though. The good thing about the "dark ages" was that I had nothing but to search out the word and surround myself with it to make sure that was the thing that was making my life better. I was so deep and so intentional about my relationship with the Lord. I need that drive back again. Not saying that I want another testing of faith, FOR SURE, but I am saying that I need to have my happiness be on the same level of my despair. I need a routine to continue in searching for what God wants to tell me- and it shouldn't just come when poop hits the fan.
So, onward into Fall I press, with the notion to wrap myself up in the Lord and let him do all the work of making my life fall into place.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Late night heavy heart
I know I said I would post about my family vacation yesterday, but I am lazy and this topic will not let me rest until I get it out of my head and off of my chest and in to written form.
My facebook status says "In light of recent events and news headlines from today, one thing I can't help but think: You can have all this world, but give me Jesus." This is an ah-mazing song by Jeremy Camp that I find true joy in singing. At the top of my lungs. When I really sit and think about all the evil that has manifested itself in our society and how things have gone really wrong- I find that all I want to do is cling to Jesus. The things of this world will soon pass away- yet what are we left with? I know that I will be left with Christ. A sinless Savior who saw all of this crap from a throne on high- and chose to come down here and get rid of all the wrong in me so that I could experience true life and live for a purpose. The headlines just keep coming with more and more things that makes my heart uneasy. This is not going to be a political post. It isnt my "viewpoint" or things I support that I am afraid of saying - because I know what I believe and why I believe it- and it has nothing to do with a "party". I am not the best at politics because I honestly don't watch enough tv to know what the heck is going on. This post is SO much more than that. I hope the way I write it makes sense. I am not trying to offend you, if you read this and it strikes a cord in your thoughts- then it has served its purpose to engage your thinking past what is presented to you in the media and the world around you.
My heart breaks for where this country is today. We are so caught up in all the wrong things as a society that we forfeit the things that matter- the ones that really have bearing and lasting impressions- to hold on to things that are not going anywhere.
There has got to be something more, Sugarland brought that line to us. There honestly has to. Oh I wish our country could have this merky veil lifted from its eyes to see that all of this is not it. All of these things are nothing happy- They bring hurt and anger and a whole slew of other emotions.
I can tell you what it is though: It is Christ. It is Jesus. If you hold to the notion that more of Jesus is the last thing this country needs- oh I am positive that you are more in the wrong that you could ever be in the right. I honestly cant put in to words what I am feeling right now. I have so so much to say- but the words wont form. I stood at my sink in the bathroom for over an hour just thinking about how my heart hurts for the lost and the confused- and the wronged and the broken- and the inconsiderate and evil- and the ones who make it a point to be the center of attention at all the wrong times- and for those who have said hateful words or made it a point to discontinue friendships and ties with people- and for those who just dont know the truth. These are a few of the thoughts that keep playing in my mind:
As it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgement (KJV) Just as people are destined to die once, and after that to face judgement (NIV) Hebrews 9:27 One life. One death. It really is YOLO- and that is biblical, maybe with a ghetto tweak, but read that verse again and know that this is it. You only get one life. And then you will face your Creator- whether you believe in him or not- and be judged for the life you have lived. Praise God that he is the judge and we are not- because we don't know the true essence of grace (getting what you dont deserve)
1 Kings 8:46-51 “When they sin against you—for there is no one who does not sin —and you become angry with them and give them over to their enemies, who take them captive to their own lands, far away or near; 47 and if they have a change of heart in the land where they are held captive, and repent and plead with you in the land of their captors and say, ‘We have sinned, we have done wrong, we have acted wickedly’; 48 and if they turn back to you with all their heart and soul in the land of their enemies who took them captive, and pray to you ... 49 then from heaven, your dwelling place, hear their prayer and their plea, and uphold their cause. 50 And forgive your people, who have sinned against you; forgive all the offenses they have committed against you, and cause their captors to show them mercy;51 for they are your people and your inheritance...
Those verses speak for themselves. We have got to change. We have to repent and plead with God. We have to turn back- turn our eyes from evil things- cast down our idols. And Pray. Seems so simple, but it is evident that our country isnt doing this enough.
Isaiah 30:18 Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!
God will bring compassion- and justice- and blessings-if we go seek him.
Psalm 33:12 Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD, the people he chose for his inheritance.
You want things to be different in this country and have headlines and news stories that create a sense of community and love and happiness? Then I suggest we get some God up in here. Right now. This nation's god is not God. It is time we changed that. This nation will never be blessed until we do.
My facebook status says "In light of recent events and news headlines from today, one thing I can't help but think: You can have all this world, but give me Jesus." This is an ah-mazing song by Jeremy Camp that I find true joy in singing. At the top of my lungs. When I really sit and think about all the evil that has manifested itself in our society and how things have gone really wrong- I find that all I want to do is cling to Jesus. The things of this world will soon pass away- yet what are we left with? I know that I will be left with Christ. A sinless Savior who saw all of this crap from a throne on high- and chose to come down here and get rid of all the wrong in me so that I could experience true life and live for a purpose. The headlines just keep coming with more and more things that makes my heart uneasy. This is not going to be a political post. It isnt my "viewpoint" or things I support that I am afraid of saying - because I know what I believe and why I believe it- and it has nothing to do with a "party". I am not the best at politics because I honestly don't watch enough tv to know what the heck is going on. This post is SO much more than that. I hope the way I write it makes sense. I am not trying to offend you, if you read this and it strikes a cord in your thoughts- then it has served its purpose to engage your thinking past what is presented to you in the media and the world around you.
My heart breaks for where this country is today. We are so caught up in all the wrong things as a society that we forfeit the things that matter- the ones that really have bearing and lasting impressions- to hold on to things that are not going anywhere.
There has got to be something more, Sugarland brought that line to us. There honestly has to. Oh I wish our country could have this merky veil lifted from its eyes to see that all of this is not it. All of these things are nothing happy- They bring hurt and anger and a whole slew of other emotions.
I can tell you what it is though: It is Christ. It is Jesus. If you hold to the notion that more of Jesus is the last thing this country needs- oh I am positive that you are more in the wrong that you could ever be in the right. I honestly cant put in to words what I am feeling right now. I have so so much to say- but the words wont form. I stood at my sink in the bathroom for over an hour just thinking about how my heart hurts for the lost and the confused- and the wronged and the broken- and the inconsiderate and evil- and the ones who make it a point to be the center of attention at all the wrong times- and for those who have said hateful words or made it a point to discontinue friendships and ties with people- and for those who just dont know the truth. These are a few of the thoughts that keep playing in my mind:
As it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgement (KJV) Just as people are destined to die once, and after that to face judgement (NIV) Hebrews 9:27 One life. One death. It really is YOLO- and that is biblical, maybe with a ghetto tweak, but read that verse again and know that this is it. You only get one life. And then you will face your Creator- whether you believe in him or not- and be judged for the life you have lived. Praise God that he is the judge and we are not- because we don't know the true essence of grace (getting what you dont deserve)
1 Kings 8:46-51 “When they sin against you—for there is no one who does not sin —and you become angry with them and give them over to their enemies, who take them captive to their own lands, far away or near; 47 and if they have a change of heart in the land where they are held captive, and repent and plead with you in the land of their captors and say, ‘We have sinned, we have done wrong, we have acted wickedly’; 48 and if they turn back to you with all their heart and soul in the land of their enemies who took them captive, and pray to you ... 49 then from heaven, your dwelling place, hear their prayer and their plea, and uphold their cause. 50 And forgive your people, who have sinned against you; forgive all the offenses they have committed against you, and cause their captors to show them mercy;51 for they are your people and your inheritance...
Those verses speak for themselves. We have got to change. We have to repent and plead with God. We have to turn back- turn our eyes from evil things- cast down our idols. And Pray. Seems so simple, but it is evident that our country isnt doing this enough.
Isaiah 30:18 Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!
God will bring compassion- and justice- and blessings-if we go seek him.
Psalm 33:12 Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD, the people he chose for his inheritance.
You want things to be different in this country and have headlines and news stories that create a sense of community and love and happiness? Then I suggest we get some God up in here. Right now. This nation's god is not God. It is time we changed that. This nation will never be blessed until we do.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Whirlwind. Avalanche. Traffic Wreck.
This is where I am today. If I had to sum up the past week's life events in one word- it would be one of those three. I just can't decide which.
A lot has gone on, but I am remaining in the quiet, so I guess you will just have to sit here with me until I want to reveal the latest life has been throwing at me.
It is so strange to me- how I can literally be in an emotional dessert for weeks, surviving on tears and the thin line of hope, and then an unexplainable gust of LIFE is thrown in my face and I have to army crawl my way through. I haven't made it out yet, I know that for sure.
Some would say it is opportunities. Others might say it is what I asked for. Even still, someone might say that good old lemonade line. Can't I just throw the lemons back? Really? I picture this scene of life like that 90s show American Gladiator- the final stage when they have to dodge the tennis balls being shot out of a humongous cannon by a body builder who could curl me with one arm. Life is the equivalent of "Storm" or "Nitro", my favorite, pelting you with tennis balls. Life tries to nail you right square in the head with something to knock you off your feet a while. And as these contestants tried their absolute best to move to the next station and fire back- you could either see 1 of 2 things in their eyes: Determination to beat the Gladiators or Defeat knowing they couldn't beat such a "monster" of a person.
I am not used to life being this way- with everything going crappy one month, then the next being at an absolute standstill like an old 25cent horse machine that won't move regardless of how many coins you put in. Then, out of no where, comes everything and their brother for you to have to deal with. It is overwelming. It is too much for me right now. I don't want to touch it, because I know I will mess up this chaos even more.
I don't know why it all had to come within the same week of each other: life changing decisions, mindsets, and hardships, but I know they are here, and they have yet to have their way with me I fear. I know it is only going to get worse. The snowball is getting bigger with every second of every passing day.
But, and I did say but, I am thankful that I serve the Creator of the lemonade stand. Though sometimes my life is a little more bitter than I would have liked, I know that it is making me in to the person that God wants me to be. I also know the sweeter times sprinkled with an extra teaspoon of sugar are not as sweet if I don't praise the Lord for the bitter times that got me to the sweet. So, as I turn to take in my lemonade for now, I stand confident that the Lemonade Maker is working on his recipe of life for me- and only he can perfect it- give and take away- and make it right for where I am.
A lot has gone on, but I am remaining in the quiet, so I guess you will just have to sit here with me until I want to reveal the latest life has been throwing at me.
It is so strange to me- how I can literally be in an emotional dessert for weeks, surviving on tears and the thin line of hope, and then an unexplainable gust of LIFE is thrown in my face and I have to army crawl my way through. I haven't made it out yet, I know that for sure.
Some would say it is opportunities. Others might say it is what I asked for. Even still, someone might say that good old lemonade line. Can't I just throw the lemons back? Really? I picture this scene of life like that 90s show American Gladiator- the final stage when they have to dodge the tennis balls being shot out of a humongous cannon by a body builder who could curl me with one arm. Life is the equivalent of "Storm" or "Nitro", my favorite, pelting you with tennis balls. Life tries to nail you right square in the head with something to knock you off your feet a while. And as these contestants tried their absolute best to move to the next station and fire back- you could either see 1 of 2 things in their eyes: Determination to beat the Gladiators or Defeat knowing they couldn't beat such a "monster" of a person.
I am not used to life being this way- with everything going crappy one month, then the next being at an absolute standstill like an old 25cent horse machine that won't move regardless of how many coins you put in. Then, out of no where, comes everything and their brother for you to have to deal with. It is overwelming. It is too much for me right now. I don't want to touch it, because I know I will mess up this chaos even more.
I don't know why it all had to come within the same week of each other: life changing decisions, mindsets, and hardships, but I know they are here, and they have yet to have their way with me I fear. I know it is only going to get worse. The snowball is getting bigger with every second of every passing day.
But, and I did say but, I am thankful that I serve the Creator of the lemonade stand. Though sometimes my life is a little more bitter than I would have liked, I know that it is making me in to the person that God wants me to be. I also know the sweeter times sprinkled with an extra teaspoon of sugar are not as sweet if I don't praise the Lord for the bitter times that got me to the sweet. So, as I turn to take in my lemonade for now, I stand confident that the Lemonade Maker is working on his recipe of life for me- and only he can perfect it- give and take away- and make it right for where I am.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Trust. What does that even mean?
Trust.
This is something I am having major issues with right now. "Trust that God has plans for you." "Trust God and know that he is working in your life for the good." "Trust God to reveal his will to you." "Trust me, you have nothing to worry about with these tickets." "You can trust me, I promise."
Some of those are lies I have recently been told by people (tickets, trusting others).I hear all of that (about God) from people- but I don't know if I even know what that means. Or if I am capable of putting it into action.
I would like to think I am a very trusting person- but I guess I don't know. Maybe I am too trusting. Maybe I don't trust at all. I am not sure what the issue is- but something is there.
It is hard to know that you completely put your trust in people you care about- only to be extremely hurt by their actions or words. It is hard to even allow people to be trusted, especially if you have been wronged in the past over this issue. (For the record, I am preaching to the choir. I know the things I have done have caused people who once trusted me to not trust me at all anymore. I get that.)
Do you ever get tired or praying? I am not trying to sound like a bad Christian- because I love praying- but do you ever get burnt out with it- not just because you aren't getting the results YOU may want- but because you aren't getting any results at all. For the good or the worse. I feel like I keep praying the same prayers- specific prayers asking for intervention from God- for direction and clarity- only to hear nothing back in return. I sometimes feel like God has to get tired of hearing me say the same things over and over and over again. Maybe he doesn't. I don't know. Trust. It is so hard for me to do.
"BUT you gotta trust, you gotta believe, you gotta know that God DOES have a perfect plan for you and His will will be done." That was sent via text to me in the early hours of this morning. I want to, I really do want to believe this, it is just really hard with these series of unfortunate events surrounding my life. I know we live by faith and not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7. I know that is the whole premise of Christianity. I know that- but I don't know if I truly know it. If I live it out.
Sometimes I just feel like it would be so worth my time to throw in the towel and say I'm out. Sometimes I honestly do want to give up. On everything. Life, finances, people, relationships, health and exercise, responsibilities, everything- and I mean everything.
But. There is something inside of me that says to keep going- even when I don't feel like it. I have so much to figure out in this life it is overwhelming to just consider all of it. Even when I lose all of my hope- and all of my dreams come crashing down- and when the world spins out of control into a crazy chaotic ball of fury- I am reminded that if I don't have faith, I have nothing. So, if you read this- pray for my trust in God to be reaffirmed. Pray that I find myself- and become the person God wants me to be. Pray that I don't give up- even when that seems like my only and best option. Pray I can be a better person to people and be used for the good. Pray that I truly can say I live by faith- and hold not confidence in the things that I can only see or hold in my hands. Pray that I come full circle in this trust thing.
This is something I am having major issues with right now. "Trust that God has plans for you." "Trust God and know that he is working in your life for the good." "Trust God to reveal his will to you." "Trust me, you have nothing to worry about with these tickets." "You can trust me, I promise."
Some of those are lies I have recently been told by people (tickets, trusting others).I hear all of that (about God) from people- but I don't know if I even know what that means. Or if I am capable of putting it into action.
I would like to think I am a very trusting person- but I guess I don't know. Maybe I am too trusting. Maybe I don't trust at all. I am not sure what the issue is- but something is there.
It is hard to know that you completely put your trust in people you care about- only to be extremely hurt by their actions or words. It is hard to even allow people to be trusted, especially if you have been wronged in the past over this issue. (For the record, I am preaching to the choir. I know the things I have done have caused people who once trusted me to not trust me at all anymore. I get that.)
Do you ever get tired or praying? I am not trying to sound like a bad Christian- because I love praying- but do you ever get burnt out with it- not just because you aren't getting the results YOU may want- but because you aren't getting any results at all. For the good or the worse. I feel like I keep praying the same prayers- specific prayers asking for intervention from God- for direction and clarity- only to hear nothing back in return. I sometimes feel like God has to get tired of hearing me say the same things over and over and over again. Maybe he doesn't. I don't know. Trust. It is so hard for me to do.
"BUT you gotta trust, you gotta believe, you gotta know that God DOES have a perfect plan for you and His will will be done." That was sent via text to me in the early hours of this morning. I want to, I really do want to believe this, it is just really hard with these series of unfortunate events surrounding my life. I know we live by faith and not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7. I know that is the whole premise of Christianity. I know that- but I don't know if I truly know it. If I live it out.
Sometimes I just feel like it would be so worth my time to throw in the towel and say I'm out. Sometimes I honestly do want to give up. On everything. Life, finances, people, relationships, health and exercise, responsibilities, everything- and I mean everything.
But. There is something inside of me that says to keep going- even when I don't feel like it. I have so much to figure out in this life it is overwhelming to just consider all of it. Even when I lose all of my hope- and all of my dreams come crashing down- and when the world spins out of control into a crazy chaotic ball of fury- I am reminded that if I don't have faith, I have nothing. So, if you read this- pray for my trust in God to be reaffirmed. Pray that I find myself- and become the person God wants me to be. Pray that I don't give up- even when that seems like my only and best option. Pray I can be a better person to people and be used for the good. Pray that I truly can say I live by faith- and hold not confidence in the things that I can only see or hold in my hands. Pray that I come full circle in this trust thing.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
My New Talent
Can you guess it? I have made mention of things on here that I am not talented at, but I have reached the conclusion that I have found it. It wasn't anything I had to ask others opinion about. No one told me about it.
No- making big hair bows and tulley tutus is not it. Haha- no not crafting. Not decorating either. Not drawing or sketching, like I once thought when I was little. It is not even cooking like my momma wishes it would be. It is not talking-as I have felt since Junior year of college- nope that is not the big daddy of them. It isn't makeup artistry either. Nope- it isn't being healthy either. Guess again. There are some things that I am ok/good/average/enough to get by at, but this one thing keeps coming up as being a success. Not to brag- I don't even have to try that hard, and it always works.
It just came up one day- out of the blue I guess. No- wait. It has always been present, I guess I just finally realized it the other day.
Finally revealing itself to me- and I must say, I was astonished. At first I thought, no, this can't be it, but the more I tried, oh the better I did get at it. And have gotten at it. And now I am confident of it. There is no denying it.
Think you have the right guess? Here it is- come close-
Letdowns. Disappointment. Bomb. Fiasco. Disaster. Botch. Catastrophe. Failure.
Yes- I am 100% successful at failing or ruining things all of the time. Here is the recap of the week:
Saturday-Hiking- fall on a large rock, now have large ugly nasty abrasion that will leave an even prettier scar
Sunday- not choosing the right words with people, strained relationships
food poisoning- get to goal weight, then blow it out of the water by eating enough sweets (Monday and Tuesday) to send a diabetic into a coma. For a week.
Tuesday- softball. Oh glorious softball. No hits, complete embarrassment. Pay money to improve hitting- don't make contact one time. Out of 4 tries.
Wednesday- Send out email for work, get a few heated ones back about is this really my job and that I should be educating our students, not creating insecurities in them.
No workouts and no eating healthy this week. Awesome. I had peanut butter m&ms for dinner last night (but that is solely justified since I took myself to the movies alone). And for breakfast this morning. No justification there.
You see? I don't know why I didn't see it before, but now I do, plain as day. Count on me to mess it up. Count on me to not come through.
I have a lot of flaws, a lot. I have a lot of learning to do. I also have to remind myself that this too shall pass. Proverbs 24:16 "for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again," I have had my seven times, maybe more this week. But I can't stop there. The end of that verse says they rise again. The Falcons aren't the only ones who will be rising up this year.
Your true character is who you are when no one is watching. I am certainly going to try and live my life as though others are watching- and rise above my failures and not let them define me.
You haven't seen the last of me Failure Fairy. Sprinkle those mistakes somewhere else. No, you just bring them on, and I will break the wings that you rode in on.
No- making big hair bows and tulley tutus is not it. Haha- no not crafting. Not decorating either. Not drawing or sketching, like I once thought when I was little. It is not even cooking like my momma wishes it would be. It is not talking-as I have felt since Junior year of college- nope that is not the big daddy of them. It isn't makeup artistry either. Nope- it isn't being healthy either. Guess again. There are some things that I am ok/good/average/enough to get by at, but this one thing keeps coming up as being a success. Not to brag- I don't even have to try that hard, and it always works.
It just came up one day- out of the blue I guess. No- wait. It has always been present, I guess I just finally realized it the other day.
Finally revealing itself to me- and I must say, I was astonished. At first I thought, no, this can't be it, but the more I tried, oh the better I did get at it. And have gotten at it. And now I am confident of it. There is no denying it.
Think you have the right guess? Here it is- come close-
Letdowns. Disappointment. Bomb. Fiasco. Disaster. Botch. Catastrophe. Failure.
Yes- I am 100% successful at failing or ruining things all of the time. Here is the recap of the week:
Saturday-Hiking- fall on a large rock, now have large ugly nasty abrasion that will leave an even prettier scar
Sunday- not choosing the right words with people, strained relationships
food poisoning- get to goal weight, then blow it out of the water by eating enough sweets (Monday and Tuesday) to send a diabetic into a coma. For a week.
Tuesday- softball. Oh glorious softball. No hits, complete embarrassment. Pay money to improve hitting- don't make contact one time. Out of 4 tries.
Wednesday- Send out email for work, get a few heated ones back about is this really my job and that I should be educating our students, not creating insecurities in them.
No workouts and no eating healthy this week. Awesome. I had peanut butter m&ms for dinner last night (but that is solely justified since I took myself to the movies alone). And for breakfast this morning. No justification there.
You see? I don't know why I didn't see it before, but now I do, plain as day. Count on me to mess it up. Count on me to not come through.
I have a lot of flaws, a lot. I have a lot of learning to do. I also have to remind myself that this too shall pass. Proverbs 24:16 "for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again," I have had my seven times, maybe more this week. But I can't stop there. The end of that verse says they rise again. The Falcons aren't the only ones who will be rising up this year.
Your true character is who you are when no one is watching. I am certainly going to try and live my life as though others are watching- and rise above my failures and not let them define me.
You haven't seen the last of me Failure Fairy. Sprinkle those mistakes somewhere else. No, you just bring them on, and I will break the wings that you rode in on.
Monday, April 23, 2012
The Words That You Said
..still ring in my head....I'm not ready to make nice, I'm not ready to back down.."
That is the song that put the Dixie Chicks up for a Grammy in 2007 I believe. They won that year. Took home one of the highest coveted awards for music entertainment. I have that cd. This cd was their response for speaking out about what they believed in, and not backing down. This was when all the stuff between them and Toby Keith got started, because of remarks made about the war and Bush- and how Natalie's had her life threatened from a fan "telling her to shut up and sing or her life would be over".
Now, I can't relate to having my life threatened. But I can identify with the other words in this song. It seems here lately that the words that I have said/written have been offensive to some people who read them and I have been called a few choice names the past few weeks. Let me say this with complete honesty and truth: this blog and the postings on it have NO intention to cause discord and strife for people who read it. If you really read it, like really read the postings, you will see this is all about my short comings and failures as a person- not anyone else's. It isn't meant to cause harm, make you mad, defriend me, or upset you. I honestly mean that- and if it has for any reason, I apologize, because I don't mean to upset you.
Now I will admit that I can be extremely brash sometimes and maybe I shouldn't put my complete feelings out in the open. I will agree with that. I know the type of personality I have- and sometimes I can just come across as a ______. I get that, you aren't the first person to tell me that. But when I post about struggling and feeling helpless, it isn't anything but my feelings. I am not projecting them on anyone, I am not asking you to feel sorry for me. I am just writing. If you read this- that is awesome. If you don't read my blog, trust me, the world isn't going to end.
With that being said, I don't want to write about things that don't matter. I don't want to invest time into things that are going no where. So, if you have been following, I hope to learn the true meaning of what a secret really is, how to not always speak out about things, how to truly listen, and how to just explore the introverted lifestyle. Yes a lot of my posts have been in the negative category- I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me again. I have just had a rough start to 2012. I am human- I am a refinement in process. I do make mistakes, huge wreckless mistakes. Sometimes I say things without thinking of how they will be read or interpreted. Sometimes I feel like life would be just fine without me here to mess it up. Sometimes I hurt too. I am sorry, truly to the utmost, apologetic if these words have made you question any part of my character, our friendship, and just me as a person in general.
Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
I clearly have not lived up to this verse if you have been offended from anything I have posted, and I am sorry. I want to build you up- not tear you down. A spoon not a fork or a knife.
That is the song that put the Dixie Chicks up for a Grammy in 2007 I believe. They won that year. Took home one of the highest coveted awards for music entertainment. I have that cd. This cd was their response for speaking out about what they believed in, and not backing down. This was when all the stuff between them and Toby Keith got started, because of remarks made about the war and Bush- and how Natalie's had her life threatened from a fan "telling her to shut up and sing or her life would be over".
Now, I can't relate to having my life threatened. But I can identify with the other words in this song. It seems here lately that the words that I have said/written have been offensive to some people who read them and I have been called a few choice names the past few weeks. Let me say this with complete honesty and truth: this blog and the postings on it have NO intention to cause discord and strife for people who read it. If you really read it, like really read the postings, you will see this is all about my short comings and failures as a person- not anyone else's. It isn't meant to cause harm, make you mad, defriend me, or upset you. I honestly mean that- and if it has for any reason, I apologize, because I don't mean to upset you.
Now I will admit that I can be extremely brash sometimes and maybe I shouldn't put my complete feelings out in the open. I will agree with that. I know the type of personality I have- and sometimes I can just come across as a ______. I get that, you aren't the first person to tell me that. But when I post about struggling and feeling helpless, it isn't anything but my feelings. I am not projecting them on anyone, I am not asking you to feel sorry for me. I am just writing. If you read this- that is awesome. If you don't read my blog, trust me, the world isn't going to end.
With that being said, I don't want to write about things that don't matter. I don't want to invest time into things that are going no where. So, if you have been following, I hope to learn the true meaning of what a secret really is, how to not always speak out about things, how to truly listen, and how to just explore the introverted lifestyle. Yes a lot of my posts have been in the negative category- I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me again. I have just had a rough start to 2012. I am human- I am a refinement in process. I do make mistakes, huge wreckless mistakes. Sometimes I say things without thinking of how they will be read or interpreted. Sometimes I feel like life would be just fine without me here to mess it up. Sometimes I hurt too. I am sorry, truly to the utmost, apologetic if these words have made you question any part of my character, our friendship, and just me as a person in general.
Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
I clearly have not lived up to this verse if you have been offended from anything I have posted, and I am sorry. I want to build you up- not tear you down. A spoon not a fork or a knife.
Friday, April 20, 2012
When You Don't Know
If you read my post from last night, you should know what kind of mindset I have today. But- I say unto you, God is bigger than I understand, and infiltrates our lives when we least expect it- or want it.
I get up. I come to work. I just know I have a lot going on right now- that my brain is working overtime on things that I would really care not to think about. Through the encouragement of some friends, I have found that God still is at work, even when I think he is taking a day off. God isn't lazy like me, he never quits and never fails. The verses from yesterday, his compassions are new every morning was made true today.
I woke up to my daily verse from a coworker: Matthew 6:33 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you.
God hit me with his best shot to remind me that I am not seeking out his counsel for the things that are going on in my life. Seek God first- and everything else will fall into place. It will be given to you if it is in God's plans. Seek, Ask, Knock, dont just complain about it.
Another dear "friend"/family member/wonderful person in my life shared 2 Chronicles 20:12 with me. Funny, now that I write it out, this needs to be my verse for 2012, since everything that could go wrong has don' up and went wrong. The verse says "For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you." NIV) I read a couple of other translations and I think I like the Contemporary English Version: We won't stand a chance when this army attacks. We don't know what to do- we are begging for your help."
Think about that imagery. All the translations (NIV, NKJV, HCSB, Message, and CEV) say this in their respected orders: we have no power, no power, powerless, helpless, won't stand a chance
-against the-vast army, great multitude, vast number, vandal horde, army
- and all agree on this: we don't know what to do
BUT. And Praise God it is a BIG BUT! - our eyes are on you, our eyes are upon you, we look to you, we're looking to you, we are begging for your help.
In all of this stuff called life that is going on around me God, I am clueless- and I really don't stand a chance to make it on my own against the things that are attacking me (Financial, Emotional, Physical, Mental, Spiritual, Relational) BUT I am looking to you for answers. My eyes are on you, direct my path the way you would want me to go. I am looking to you for your provision.
Pair Zephaniah 3:17 again with this, and be reminded God is a Mighty Warrior. He can handle the heat when we can't. It is when we realize we really don't have all the answers that God says ok, finally- now let me get to work, because I made everything and I dang sure can fix it. Have a little faith.
It is ok to not know what to do. It is more important to keep your eyes fixed on God.
I get up. I come to work. I just know I have a lot going on right now- that my brain is working overtime on things that I would really care not to think about. Through the encouragement of some friends, I have found that God still is at work, even when I think he is taking a day off. God isn't lazy like me, he never quits and never fails. The verses from yesterday, his compassions are new every morning was made true today.
I woke up to my daily verse from a coworker: Matthew 6:33 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you.
God hit me with his best shot to remind me that I am not seeking out his counsel for the things that are going on in my life. Seek God first- and everything else will fall into place. It will be given to you if it is in God's plans. Seek, Ask, Knock, dont just complain about it.
Another dear "friend"/family member/wonderful person in my life shared 2 Chronicles 20:12 with me. Funny, now that I write it out, this needs to be my verse for 2012, since everything that could go wrong has don' up and went wrong. The verse says "For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you." NIV) I read a couple of other translations and I think I like the Contemporary English Version: We won't stand a chance when this army attacks. We don't know what to do- we are begging for your help."
Think about that imagery. All the translations (NIV, NKJV, HCSB, Message, and CEV) say this in their respected orders: we have no power, no power, powerless, helpless, won't stand a chance
-against the-vast army, great multitude, vast number, vandal horde, army
- and all agree on this: we don't know what to do
BUT. And Praise God it is a BIG BUT! - our eyes are on you, our eyes are upon you, we look to you, we're looking to you, we are begging for your help.
In all of this stuff called life that is going on around me God, I am clueless- and I really don't stand a chance to make it on my own against the things that are attacking me (Financial, Emotional, Physical, Mental, Spiritual, Relational) BUT I am looking to you for answers. My eyes are on you, direct my path the way you would want me to go. I am looking to you for your provision.
Pair Zephaniah 3:17 again with this, and be reminded God is a Mighty Warrior. He can handle the heat when we can't. It is when we realize we really don't have all the answers that God says ok, finally- now let me get to work, because I made everything and I dang sure can fix it. Have a little faith.
It is ok to not know what to do. It is more important to keep your eyes fixed on God.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Ramblings
Well, it has been a while since I blogged. It isn't because I haven't had things to say or haven't had the time- its just frustrations. I am not so much a person of routine when it comes to life, there are only a few things that I enjoy doing routinely (brushing my teeth, shopping, things of that nature). I have been up at all hours of the night lately, and could have written my thoughts out- but I choose to neglect writing and bottle those feelings up. Sometimes that is good- sometimes its not.
I am so frustrated with life right now. Let down, disappointed, confused, and just feel like I am starring into a black hole. Nothing seems to be looking up, so it is just really hard to be in this position.
Here is what I am frustrated with today:
Young Adult/College Class- The yaccs if you will. Is it THAT hard to get out of bed and come to church? No, wait. Some of you are already at church, but you leave and don't come to Sunday School. Then you don't speak to me in church but sit within 2 pews of me. That's cool. Oh- and you can even come to church events, but you refuse to come to SS. Seriously- someone else can have this job- because I am giving up on it and the people in it.
Work- If I am doing 2 full time jobs- I should be getting paid like I am doing 2 full time jobs. Don't just assume since I take over one part of an aspect of someone's job that I am agreeing to do it all for free. You can afford to pay me- or this work won't be done by me.
Housing- I have 2 weeks roughly to make a decision about my living arrangements and I am no more closer to figuring out anything that when I started. Just awesome.
Money- Do you know how hard it is to get paid once a month? It is rough let me just tell you. I have learned to budget because of this, but when unexpected money losses occur, it is quite hard to get back on your feet. Really sucks to literally have to be here.
Exercise- I am at the point where I have started hating it again, which isn't good because I am deathly terrified of gaining back everything I have lost. I just am so tired and frustrated with it lately. Seems like everyone else is stronger than me and looks better and I just want to give up.
Softball- Oh my gosh- really, I don't need to get started. First- I had a rough scrimmage the other day and it got the best of me. When did I become so emotional? My coach noticed I was upset, because when I am upset I don't talk or do anything. Just numb. Thankfully he didn't see my 2 crocodile tears slip down my face. I am the only girl on the team, and I take that as a very special privilege. I don't want to be treated like the "sissy girl" of the team, I want to be valued as an asset, but I don't think that is the case. I hit awful the other day and that didn't help my cause. Also- to the loudmouth in the stands- you are going to have to shut up when the season starts- you are ridiculously loud and annoying. Don't come out to the fields thinking you can be that loud- it is not a good thing. I can't focus when I hear you and others talking about how I am hitting. If you are so AWESOME, oh wait- you aren't on the team so keep your comments to yourself.
There. That is all what I am dealing with today. I hung out with some friends Sunday night and he was listening to me complain about life and softball- and told me of an awfully sad story about a new baby from a family friend passing away- and he said "So, just be reminded that someone has it a lot worse than you."
Yes. He was right. Lets's go back through those frustrations and see what blessings I have been given:
YACCs- The ones that come still matter and I shouldn't equate them to the others. At least they do come.
Work- I have a job- with benefits, flexibility, and responsibility.
Housing- If it isn't my time to have a house, it isn't my time. I am not homeless and have 2 options if buying a home doesn't work out.
Money- Though I am missing a lot of $, I have enough stuff (food, personal) to get me through 2 more weeks.
Exercise- I can move and sweat, some don't get that luxury- and do it for free.
Softball- I am the only girl on the team- that should say something. I have been given the ability to play.
Go back over your list and see what you can turn into blessings.
I am so frustrated with life right now. Let down, disappointed, confused, and just feel like I am starring into a black hole. Nothing seems to be looking up, so it is just really hard to be in this position.
Here is what I am frustrated with today:
Young Adult/College Class- The yaccs if you will. Is it THAT hard to get out of bed and come to church? No, wait. Some of you are already at church, but you leave and don't come to Sunday School. Then you don't speak to me in church but sit within 2 pews of me. That's cool. Oh- and you can even come to church events, but you refuse to come to SS. Seriously- someone else can have this job- because I am giving up on it and the people in it.
Work- If I am doing 2 full time jobs- I should be getting paid like I am doing 2 full time jobs. Don't just assume since I take over one part of an aspect of someone's job that I am agreeing to do it all for free. You can afford to pay me- or this work won't be done by me.
Housing- I have 2 weeks roughly to make a decision about my living arrangements and I am no more closer to figuring out anything that when I started. Just awesome.
Money- Do you know how hard it is to get paid once a month? It is rough let me just tell you. I have learned to budget because of this, but when unexpected money losses occur, it is quite hard to get back on your feet. Really sucks to literally have to be here.
Exercise- I am at the point where I have started hating it again, which isn't good because I am deathly terrified of gaining back everything I have lost. I just am so tired and frustrated with it lately. Seems like everyone else is stronger than me and looks better and I just want to give up.
Softball- Oh my gosh- really, I don't need to get started. First- I had a rough scrimmage the other day and it got the best of me. When did I become so emotional? My coach noticed I was upset, because when I am upset I don't talk or do anything. Just numb. Thankfully he didn't see my 2 crocodile tears slip down my face. I am the only girl on the team, and I take that as a very special privilege. I don't want to be treated like the "sissy girl" of the team, I want to be valued as an asset, but I don't think that is the case. I hit awful the other day and that didn't help my cause. Also- to the loudmouth in the stands- you are going to have to shut up when the season starts- you are ridiculously loud and annoying. Don't come out to the fields thinking you can be that loud- it is not a good thing. I can't focus when I hear you and others talking about how I am hitting. If you are so AWESOME, oh wait- you aren't on the team so keep your comments to yourself.
There. That is all what I am dealing with today. I hung out with some friends Sunday night and he was listening to me complain about life and softball- and told me of an awfully sad story about a new baby from a family friend passing away- and he said "So, just be reminded that someone has it a lot worse than you."
Yes. He was right. Lets's go back through those frustrations and see what blessings I have been given:
YACCs- The ones that come still matter and I shouldn't equate them to the others. At least they do come.
Work- I have a job- with benefits, flexibility, and responsibility.
Housing- If it isn't my time to have a house, it isn't my time. I am not homeless and have 2 options if buying a home doesn't work out.
Money- Though I am missing a lot of $, I have enough stuff (food, personal) to get me through 2 more weeks.
Exercise- I can move and sweat, some don't get that luxury- and do it for free.
Softball- I am the only girl on the team- that should say something. I have been given the ability to play.
Go back over your list and see what you can turn into blessings.
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