The so called and the lackluster

Mmm. It has been almost a month since I blogged. Much has changed in my life and there are so many words to put to type, so I hope to catch you up on thoughts and processes and just where this so called journey is taking me.


Kevin and I have been looking for a new church since July. I am not sure if you have ever had to do this, but I can sum it up in 3 words: overwhelming, sad, and frustrating. You may look at that and say those are pretty negative words to be describing the church, but those are my true thoughts right now.  

Sad: hurts to leave a place where you have spent the last 4.5 years and made what you thought were lasting relationships and go out into the unknown looking for new ones. It hurts to know that you are leaving people you have grown to care about only to be thrust into a new life where you kinda don't exist anymore. I think it is beyond my wildest thoughts to understand people. How one minute you can be so excited for a person, then pretend you never met them the next. My guilt runs true to this as well. Why we are one way at a certain time point, and then couldn't be more opposite at other times, I will never understand. I question a lot of things right now, mainly friendships and investments and time spent with people, but I have to take it in seasons. 

Overwhelming: Oh we have tried so many places. No, there isn't a perfect church, oh I know that full well. But is there a perfect place for us? My vanity comes out a lot. No, those curtains are awful. No the music was terrible. No one spoke to us. No, the preacher was boring. No, I can't raise my hand. Not any young adults. No kids. No older people. No. No. No. God is testing me in the finest right now to trust him to bring us to the place he has appointed for us. It is so hard. Oh, it is so hard. I know what I want in a church- but I have to remind myself we are going to be put at a place where we can be invested in, invest in the Kingdom, and invest in each other on our spiritual course. Why is it so easy for me to strike up conversations with random students about sex alcohol and anything else health related, but I feel like I am in a bubble when I visit churches? My heart doesn't quit pounding in my chest until the preaching starts. I look for familiar faces in the crowds and try to find some solace there, but again- I am looking in the wrong places.

Frustrating- Not getting what you want is always a long process of learning the definition of humility. Sometimes I just want to scream when we are visiting places. It is so frustrating to have these desires of belonging to a church again and being involved and going to a regular church on Wednesday and Sundays, only to come out and say "I don't care if I ever visit there again". My heart is longing to be a part of the body of Christ again. To have people who genuinely want to know you and know what is going on in your life, to pray for you, and to feel like you have someone to  talk to at any given point about anything you may be dealing with- those are my deepest desires right now. 

I know we will find "our" church. I know God is preparing a special place for us where we both can be comfortable and truly learn how to become more mature Christians. I know it is all going to work out, I just am wearing thin on the emotional side. It will be the best decision though. It will all be worth it when we can have no hesitations of where we are and worship the one true living God together. 

It is almost October. I can honestly say 2012 has FLOWN by. Seems like just yesterday I was questioning God about my life and where it was headed in January. He has brought me so far. Oh, I know I am not the same person that used to cry at the bottom of a stairwell for hours on end burying my face in my hands or in the fur of my sweet dog. No, I haven't done that in months. Clearly I don't have issues with food anymore, as the scale might be the thing making me cry now. I have found the one whom my soul loves- and let me just say I could have never in my wildest most vivid and descriptive dreams could have planned this any better. 

In all of this, I find myself still searching though. The good thing about the "dark ages" was that I had nothing but to search out the word and surround myself with it to make sure that was the thing that was making my life better. I was so deep and so intentional about my relationship with the Lord. I need that drive back again. Not saying that I want another testing of faith, FOR SURE, but I am saying that I need to have my happiness be on the same level of my despair. I need a routine to continue in searching for what God wants to tell me- and it shouldn't just come when poop hits the fan. 

So, onward into Fall I press, with the notion to wrap myself up in the Lord and let him do all the work of making my life fall into place.