I wouldn't read this if I was you

Stop. I'm serious. I am giving you fair warning to turn away. You don't want to read any further. Trust me. 







Still reading? Then let me give you a small glimpse of what you are about to read.

You are going to the depths of  my heart. You are going to see the "real me". You will see what I am struggling with and why I am hurt. You will hear direct quotes and see exactly how things have been for a while.

And should you so choose to continue reading- know that this is my personal perspective- just my view point. There are others who have their own opinions as well, but this is my blog- and I do what I want. This is the best account I can give you of the shadow of darkness that has consumed my life for the past months. Run and tell that. 


Should you find this abrasive or mean- or why in the world is she writing this- this is really personal and wow- she is bold-  you will see the end point. ...but there is still time to stop reading right now. 




Here Goes.




"I deleted you because you talk about Jesus all the time..and because I didn't want to read about it"
"We didn't have any problems before a year and half ago- oh wait that is when she came along"
"I just think you are a hypocrite- because you wouldn't drink when you first came around- but now that is ok? That doesnt make any sense"
"She is the problem"
"I appreciate your prayers, but we don't need any extra prayers for our baby"
"Is that what you think- you think they like you? ha ha"
"She is destroying this family"
" I don't give a (disturbing word that mom's should never say) where you got that  from- you cannot have anything like that because it is ours"
"You need to get control of your wife or there will be consequences"
"She thinks she is better than everyone else and walks around with her chest poked out like she owns the place"
"We go out of our way to speak to her- she never speaks to us"- (can you really blame me?)


Here is my personal favorite: "We have never trusted her or will never trust her. She can't be trusted around our baby because she is intentionally going to hurt her"

All of these are statements that have been said about me in the past (almost) two years. These are certainly not all of them, just the ones that hurt me the most. Not sure how they make you feel- but I can tell you I have shed many a tear over some of these hurtful things. 

I have had a lot of bitterness, anger, spite, malice, and pure hatred in my heart- mostly since December. (I know the falalalaala's should have gotten me out of my angry state, but this year I only saw red- and it wasn't Santa Claus). Just writing about it now makes me angry. 

I cannot tell you of a time when I had been more heartbroken and flat out angry at the same time. Words are for real- and they wound and kill. I have woken up from nightmares because of my anger. I have cried to my husband how someone could say such hurtful things and never care how it makes someone else feel. I have envisioned really mean things because I let my anger get the best of me.

It has been a rough, dark few last months. 

This year when Lent came around, I decided that I didn't need to give up bread or candy for 40 days- because that would be for my own selfish desires- and God would take no pleasure in that. Losing weight would have to come another time. I really thought long and hard what I could give up that was keeping me from Christ. So, Ash Wednesday I made my prayer to God at the alter with my husband- that I would try to learn how to forgive in 40 days. 

I have come to realize that everyone needs improvement, but I am the one who needs it most. I am still searching God and crying out for him to teach me to forgive and let go of my anger. It is so incredibly hard. 

So hard. I have been able to remind myself to pray when anger coming knocking, but I still have a long way to go before Easter. 

I didn't write this to shame or embarrass anyone. I didn't write this because I want bad things to happen to the people who have said those things. And I sure didn't write this for anyone's pity or praise.

I wrote this, because I want you to know my struggle. I want you to know that this Lenten season has been and is the hardest of my life. 

Each week, I have been given a reminder that this was the right thing to give up. My husband says "God isn't going to bless us if we have anger and unforgiveness in our hearts". I am learning so much, but am still far from allowing forgiveness in. 

I know I am only hurting myself by being bitter and angry. I know that God is not glorified when I choose to be either of those. 

So, as I bring this post to a close, I seek to find the true blessing of being able to forgive. I hope to let my boiling blood and racing heart calm down. I seek to replace angry with fruits of the Spirit. I seek to let go- and let God. I pray for the transformation that God has urged me to complete and I pray that by his strength- he makes me new and I am able to praise Jesus even louder. 

Until next time-
Rachel 

Snap back to reality

These last couple of months have been an incredibly trying time in mine and my family's lives. To say that it is has been bad is an understatement. A Jerry Springer episode is a better example of what we have been living. Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

(You know you watched. Just to see what crazy story would come up next- and laugh at how mind-boggling people really could be. It was my daily ritual for a while with my mom- no shame in my game.)

If I were to really write it out- what arguments, what hateful, disturbing words have been said, what actions have been completed, and what image is really portrayed- you would really laugh because it is so insanely ridiculous. 

It never ceases to amaze me that stuff hits the fan around the holidays- not just in my family but in lots of families. Instead of celebrations and the excitement and magic of Christmas abounding- people get mean and vicious and turn vile. 

There have been many sleepless nights and many tears shed over the past month. Tears shed over things that we cannot control. Many prayers and pleadings lifted to God- and many doubts that this is really our life right now. Disclaimer: Kevin and I are fine..beyond blessed and happily married with a healthy communication system. But the rest of the things we have been dealing with are not fine. 

Sometimes we get hurt and sometimes there are people in our lives who live to just make us miserable. I know we have made mistakes as well- I do not deny that. I also know that we are only a part of the problem. I know my family's struggles are just a small portion of what is really going on in this world today. 

So much evil. Pure evil and animosity. Why? Why are people just down right ugly and inconsiderate? At Christmas!? Why do we let people have that influence over us? 

I don't have the answers- and I don't understand why people in your own family treat you like you are a criminal. No- criminals have better treatment than we have been given. Maybe an outcast- a leper would be the best example I can think of. Completely cutoff from the rest of the world because YOU (mainly its just me) have a problem (or are the problem). 

Christmas should be about cherishing the times you have with loved ones. Focusing on how you can share Jesus with others to advance the kingdom. Love and sweet memories are supposed to be made- not hate and nightmares. It is truly the most wonderful time of the year- but this year is different. 

I don't know what other people are dealing with right now, but I know we aren't the only ones who have real life problems that are never known to the outside world. In the past year- we have seen 5 of our friend's marriages crumble. Our friends have seen loved ones go before their time. We have seen families ripped apart because of the actions of a few individuals. We have heard of families losing everything- from fires, to money- to just reasons that are out of their hands. We have also seen how people's true colors come out- and I can tell you- they are fitting for the season. Red with anger & hate and green with envy & spite. 

God has been trying to teach me something and I haven't been listening. Two weeks ago our Sunday School lesson was about loving others like Christ did- and treating them how Christ did. I have failed incredibly at this. My anger and my bitterness and my hurt have hidden the light in me. This week I even taught the Sunday School lesson- and it was about where our hope comes from. Things may seem hopeless to us- but they are never hopeless with God. Apparently I didn't get the message until now.

God has been there- and thankfully he still is there. He knows the struggles. He is just waiting for us to come and give all the crap, disappointment, frustrations, bitterness, hurt, and pure anger to Him to resolve.  It is hard to realize that you can't fix people- or the problems people create for you, but find comfort in knowing that God wants to- and everything is possible with Him. 

Praying specifically today for God to work not just in my family, but for anyone else who is having a hard time this Christmas. 

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Someone you know needs to hear this

I'm just going to say it. A lot of friends and people we know are going through the process of  the "d" word.  It is really overwhelming for me as a newlywed to see so many marriages around me failing. Kevin and I sat at dinner the other night and prayed specifically for 3 sets of couples that we know. 

Some of these- oh a "d" word is the best thing for them. No one deserves to be slapped around, yelled at and cornered- or lied to and continually put down. There is no place for any of that in a marriage.

Relationships that are strained need 3 things- in my personal opinion. I know that I am not a Counselor, but I do know that these have been essential to us during our engagement, and even more so now that we are married.

Communication- If you don't talk about it- the person doesn't know about it. Allow time to talk- openly and freely and learn to understand that words can truly determine how the rest of the day is going to go. Be a Barnabas- and encourage each other. Use words to build them up and not tear them down. (Ephesians 4:29)
Use the utensil model to determine what kind of person you want to be. A knife, a fork or a spoon. A knife is used to tear apart things. Are the words and actions you choose tearing people apart and ruining them? A fork pierces and pokes. Are you continually playing on weaknesses and poking fun or making them feel like less of a person? Forks also have holes. Are you choosing to allow somethings to disappear in your life that you don't want the other to know about? Or do you choose to be the spoon? Spoons cradle and support. Spoons are the only utensil that can be used to scrape up the pieces and put them all together. Are you supporting your significant other and always there for them- using words and actions that hold them together?

Forgiveness- If you are a christian, then you should know the whole premise of our faith is built on forgiveness. Christ did the ultimate forgiveness and took on our shame and sins- and gave us new life. We should find it in our hearts to learn to look to the cross and model forgiveness after Christ. Forgiveness is NOT EASY. If it was easy, man the world be be a better place. I would encourage those who are hurt from others to seek out christian counseling so you can learn to forgive. Harboring bitterness doesn't hurt the person you are mad with- it hurts you and only you. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially.

 I am a true testament that once you allow forgiveness to flow through, you can be made new again. Take my last year for example. I was so angry and hurt that I lost a lot of weight, had my hair start falling out and made my iron bottom out- as well as my credit card debt was significantly increased. Once I came to terms with my life- and forgave- I started to get better- and I have no credit card debt anymore. It is hard- but it is so worth it. Only God can create this peace in you- don't look for it any where than in the arms of Christ.

Restoration- This part is hard too. This is a process and will take an undetermined amount of time for each person. It is vital to any part of healing you want to take part in. Know this: Just as only we can learn forgiveness from Jesus, we can only be restored by God. Nothing else on this earth can fill this void. We can fill it with doughnuts- or the gym. You can put other people in there to "fix" you- or you can shut out the world. You can also give up- or you can give in. No matter what  earthly thing you choose- the only way you can be restored is through God working in and out of you.

 If your relationship is failing- (and more so to the account that you/your other said "I just don't love you anymore) I would encourage you to get in the Word, pray often, seek out christian counseling- and to participate in The Love Dare. It is a book that goes along with the movie, Fireproof. If you have never seen it, you need to watch it. The Love Dare challenges all things society says about "Imma do Me" and teaches you how to put your significant other before your needs and wants.
Even if your relationship isn't failing, you need to see this movie.

God can and will take all of the brokenness and hurt- the shame and the lies- the moments of desperation and the moments of defeat- and turn it into something beautiful. It may not come as quickly as you want, but if you hold on to the promise that God is faithful to those who call out to him and believe in his son- he is and will be at work around you. Ecclesiastes 3:11- He has made everything beautiful in its time. Your time is coming- turn it over to God and allow him to start the healing process.

As I close, know that I am not judging you for your situation. I would welcome any opportunity to pray for and encourage you if you wanted it. If you need more of a pick-me up than my humble words, I hope you listen to these songs and find some strength and peace. 

Late night heavy heart

 I know I said I would post about my family vacation yesterday, but I am lazy and this topic will not let me rest until I get it out of my head and off of my chest and in to written form. 


My facebook status says "In light of recent events and news headlines from today, one thing I can't help but think: You can have all this world, but give me Jesus." This is an ah-mazing song by Jeremy Camp that I find true joy in singing. At the top of my lungs. When I really sit and think about all the evil that has manifested itself in our society and how things have gone really wrong- I find that all I want to do is cling to Jesus. The things of this world will soon pass away- yet what are we left with? I know that I will be left with Christ. A sinless Savior who saw all of this crap from a throne on high- and chose to come down here and get rid of all the wrong in me so that I could experience true life and live for a purpose. The headlines just keep coming with more and more things that makes my heart uneasy. This is not going to be a political post. It isnt my "viewpoint" or things I support that I am afraid of saying - because I know what I believe and why I believe it- and it has nothing to do with a "party". I am not the best at politics because I honestly don't watch enough tv to know what the heck is going on. This post is SO much more than that. I hope the way I write it makes sense. I am not trying to offend you, if you read this and it strikes a cord in your thoughts- then it has served its purpose to engage your thinking past what is presented to you in the media and the world around you.


 My heart breaks for where this country is today. We are so caught up in all the wrong things as a society that we forfeit the things that matter- the ones that really have bearing and lasting impressions- to hold on to things that are not going anywhere. 


There has got to be something more, Sugarland brought that line to us. There honestly has to. Oh I wish our country could have this merky veil lifted from its eyes to see that all of this is not it. All of these things are nothing happy- They bring hurt and anger and a whole slew of other emotions.


I can tell you what it is though: It is Christ. It is Jesus. If you hold to the notion that more of Jesus is the last thing this country needs- oh I am positive that you are more in the wrong that you could ever be in the right. I honestly cant put in to words what I am feeling right now. I have so so much to say- but the words wont form. I stood at my sink in the bathroom for over an hour just thinking about how my heart hurts for the lost and the confused- and the wronged and the broken- and the inconsiderate and evil- and the ones who make it a point to be the center of attention at all the wrong times- and for those who have said hateful words or made it a point to discontinue friendships and ties with people- and for those who just dont know the truth. These are a few of the thoughts that keep playing in my mind:


As it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgement (KJV) Just as people are destined to die once, and after that to face judgement (NIV) Hebrews 9:27 One life. One death. It really is YOLO- and that is biblical, maybe with a ghetto tweak, but read that verse again and know that this is it. You only get one life.  And then you will face your Creator- whether you believe in him or not- and be judged for the life you have lived. Praise God that he is the judge and we are not- because we don't know the true essence of grace (getting what you dont deserve)


^{1 Kings 8:46-51} “When they sin against you—for there is no one who does not sin —and you become angry with them and give them over to their enemies, who take them captive to their own lands, far away or near; ⁴⁷ and if they have a change of heart in the land where they are held captive, and repent and plead with you in the land of their captors and say, ‘We have sinned, we have done wrong, we have acted wickedly’; ⁴⁸ and if they turn back to you with all their heart and soul in the land of their enemies who took them captive, and pray to you ... ⁴⁹ then from heaven, your dwelling place, hear their prayer and their plea, and uphold their cause. ⁵⁰ And forgive your people, who have sinned against you; forgive all the offenses they have committed against you, and cause their captors to show them mercy;⁵¹ for they are your people and your inheritance...


Those verses speak for themselves. We have got to change. We have to repent and plead with God. We have to turn back- turn our eyes from evil things- cast down our idols. And Pray. Seems so simple, but it is evident that our country isnt doing this enough. 


Isaiah 30:18 Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!


God will bring compassion- and justice- and blessings-if we go seek him. 


Psalm 33:12 Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD, the people he chose for his inheritance. 
You want things to be different in this country and have headlines and news stories that create a sense of community and love and happiness? Then I suggest we get some God up in here. Right now. This nation's god is not God. It is time we changed that. This nation will never be blessed until we do.

A Little more hurt- A lot less me

Whirlwind. That is how I feel right now. Like so much is going on, but truth be told, nothing is happening.

I decided I needed a break. A mental health break from everything. So- Thursday I took myself to Chickfila in my pjs to get free dinner, took myself to the movies at 11:30 (thanks for the free ticket Campbell), bought peanut butter m&ms, and watched The Avengers with a friend. Then Friday- I got up- drove to Macon, and spent some time and money on myself. New clothes always make me feel good, even if my wallet has to suffer. I got a free robe and some free perfume, so that helped too. And I fit in a size 0. Did you see that? No 1's in front of the zero. No other digits besides it. Just a simple oval. That helped a bit too. (Although, I didn't buy it, because it wasn't as good of a sale as I needed).

I made an awesome PBB&J (pnut butter, banana, jelly) sandwich when I got home. Spent a few minutes with my little black girl.

THEN. I switched my day off focus of me- to someone else. I don't know why I keep doing this- it only makes things worse. Let me include someone else. Let me do this with that person. Let me go invite this person. Urgh.

So the whole point of Friday was to make me feel better about myself- and then I go and mess it up worrying about other people. People that don't worry about me, but only need me in their life when it is uber convenient to them.

Why do I keep doing this? Why can't I just let go of some people and some things in my life that only seem to be creating more harm?

Why do I have this plan of how things should be  how I want them to be, only to be disappointed and let down one more time after the other? If the secret to life is being happy- man oh man- I have messed this up yet again. I can't be happy because I worry about things and people that don't reciprocate those feelings. It is hard to truly be disconnected from people that you once thought so highly of and cared so much for. I don't know why I can't just get on with my life, but I can't.

The crying comes in bits and pieces now. Not as intense of an ugly cry face, but just as heartbreaking on the inside. It won't end. It won't ever go away.

A dear friend told me the other night as I was pouring out my broken heart to him that just because I am not having problems like other people doesn't mean that it isn't important. It is important if I am going through it. He told me that every person's problems are all different from each other's and they matter regardless of if they are big or small, they still matter. I shouldn't compare my situation to other's and negate what I am going though, because it is what I am going through at this time in my life.

I don't know who I am anymore. I hear what other's say about me and I wonder if that is who I really am- a  horrible person who only messes up things and relationships, dramatic, helpless, hopeless and not worth it. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know if I ever did. All I know is all of this is stripping away my identity. I am not who I was- I am not who I wanted to be. I don't know how to find her. I am at a fork in the road. in the middle of Spaghetti Junction in the middle of the highway with everything coming at me and no one riding in the HOV to take off some of the stress.