With 4 days left

I haven't written since I was trying to get that large elephant off of my chest. I have been enjoying my marriage and taking in the last bit of the first year- and let me just say the first year was great.

Along the way in revealing my weaknesses, my vulnerabilities, my struggles and what I am dealing with as a Christian woman- not anyone else's stuff- it seems I have been once again labeled a hypocrite and the internet police have said "I can't do that". Word to the wise- if you complain about what I write- and tell me directly to my face that you don't want to read my blog or talk about me and what I write- um...don't read it. It isn't a make or break deal for me. But in all seriousness, if you say you could care less what I write about (hey, for the record- it is mainly Jesus)- why are you still here?? You don't have to read this, no one is forcing you.

 I'm not alarmed if my readership doesn't increase. Again, this is my therapy and my time. This is my blog. Not a tutorial. Not a cookbook. Not a fashionista stop. There are plenty of awesome blogs that do that. This is however, my real world and I'm trying to be honest. I'm not here to deal with anyone but me. My writings can come across as snarky, but if you truly know me- and know my heart- you know that being a Christian is everything to me.   

Since my last reveal of what I had been dealing with, I have prayed and prayed- gone to the alter and prayed for healing and restoration. I have shared my struggle of unforgiveness with my Sunday School class and I have complained to my husband for the past 4 months. 

I haven't been praying just for me- I have been trying to pray for the people who hurt me as well (even when they don't want my prayers). Do y'all even know how hard that is? I'm thankful that I have a God-fearing husband who helps me with the things I struggle with. He reminds me that they need grace just as Christ gave it to me. Hard. Pill. To. Swallow. 

Grace can be summed up as: getting what you don't deserve. Man, sometimes I wish that "eye for an eye" was still in play. That is wrong guys, but that is truth. But my loving husband with his patient and godly heart, reminds me that it does no good to treat people the way they treat you. It only makes your character a reflection of your flesh- and not a reflection of Christ. 

My one and only goal in this life that I have been given is to model Christ. All the rest will fade away. I want to know that I have defended my faith and stood up when others persecuted the Jesus I love. I want to know that I have been an example of Christ to others when they needed it most. I don't selfishly want this for my gratification- I want it for God's glorification. Move me out of the picture. 

Sometimes I don't have a Christ-like attitude. You know why? Because I let my flesh get the best of me and let the devil get a foothold. I am human- and I never said I was perfect. I do, however, believe in the author and perfecter of my faith and I know that Christ is in me. 

As the last days of lent wrap up, I pray my revelation of Christ is magnified and he is glorified. I pray for healing still in my heart and those who have shot the arrows. I pray for Easter to be a marvelous reminder that God's love for us is real and nothing can take that away from us. 

I wouldn't read this if I was you

Stop. I'm serious. I am giving you fair warning to turn away. You don't want to read any further. Trust me. 







Still reading? Then let me give you a small glimpse of what you are about to read.

You are going to the depths of  my heart. You are going to see the "real me". You will see what I am struggling with and why I am hurt. You will hear direct quotes and see exactly how things have been for a while.

And should you so choose to continue reading- know that this is my personal perspective- just my view point. There are others who have their own opinions as well, but this is my blog- and I do what I want. This is the best account I can give you of the shadow of darkness that has consumed my life for the past months. Run and tell that. 


Should you find this abrasive or mean- or why in the world is she writing this- this is really personal and wow- she is bold-  you will see the end point. ...but there is still time to stop reading right now. 




Here Goes.




"I deleted you because you talk about Jesus all the time..and because I didn't want to read about it"
"We didn't have any problems before a year and half ago- oh wait that is when she came along"
"I just think you are a hypocrite- because you wouldn't drink when you first came around- but now that is ok? That doesnt make any sense"
"She is the problem"
"I appreciate your prayers, but we don't need any extra prayers for our baby"
"Is that what you think- you think they like you? ha ha"
"She is destroying this family"
" I don't give a (disturbing word that mom's should never say) where you got that  from- you cannot have anything like that because it is ours"
"You need to get control of your wife or there will be consequences"
"She thinks she is better than everyone else and walks around with her chest poked out like she owns the place"
"We go out of our way to speak to her- she never speaks to us"- (can you really blame me?)


Here is my personal favorite: "We have never trusted her or will never trust her. She can't be trusted around our baby because she is intentionally going to hurt her"

All of these are statements that have been said about me in the past (almost) two years. These are certainly not all of them, just the ones that hurt me the most. Not sure how they make you feel- but I can tell you I have shed many a tear over some of these hurtful things. 

I have had a lot of bitterness, anger, spite, malice, and pure hatred in my heart- mostly since December. (I know the falalalaala's should have gotten me out of my angry state, but this year I only saw red- and it wasn't Santa Claus). Just writing about it now makes me angry. 

I cannot tell you of a time when I had been more heartbroken and flat out angry at the same time. Words are for real- and they wound and kill. I have woken up from nightmares because of my anger. I have cried to my husband how someone could say such hurtful things and never care how it makes someone else feel. I have envisioned really mean things because I let my anger get the best of me.

It has been a rough, dark few last months. 

This year when Lent came around, I decided that I didn't need to give up bread or candy for 40 days- because that would be for my own selfish desires- and God would take no pleasure in that. Losing weight would have to come another time. I really thought long and hard what I could give up that was keeping me from Christ. So, Ash Wednesday I made my prayer to God at the alter with my husband- that I would try to learn how to forgive in 40 days. 

I have come to realize that everyone needs improvement, but I am the one who needs it most. I am still searching God and crying out for him to teach me to forgive and let go of my anger. It is so incredibly hard. 

So hard. I have been able to remind myself to pray when anger coming knocking, but I still have a long way to go before Easter. 

I didn't write this to shame or embarrass anyone. I didn't write this because I want bad things to happen to the people who have said those things. And I sure didn't write this for anyone's pity or praise.

I wrote this, because I want you to know my struggle. I want you to know that this Lenten season has been and is the hardest of my life. 

Each week, I have been given a reminder that this was the right thing to give up. My husband says "God isn't going to bless us if we have anger and unforgiveness in our hearts". I am learning so much, but am still far from allowing forgiveness in. 

I know I am only hurting myself by being bitter and angry. I know that God is not glorified when I choose to be either of those. 

So, as I bring this post to a close, I seek to find the true blessing of being able to forgive. I hope to let my boiling blood and racing heart calm down. I seek to replace angry with fruits of the Spirit. I seek to let go- and let God. I pray for the transformation that God has urged me to complete and I pray that by his strength- he makes me new and I am able to praise Jesus even louder. 

Until next time-
Rachel