Snap back to reality

These last couple of months have been an incredibly trying time in mine and my family's lives. To say that it is has been bad is an understatement. A Jerry Springer episode is a better example of what we have been living. Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

(You know you watched. Just to see what crazy story would come up next- and laugh at how mind-boggling people really could be. It was my daily ritual for a while with my mom- no shame in my game.)

If I were to really write it out- what arguments, what hateful, disturbing words have been said, what actions have been completed, and what image is really portrayed- you would really laugh because it is so insanely ridiculous. 

It never ceases to amaze me that stuff hits the fan around the holidays- not just in my family but in lots of families. Instead of celebrations and the excitement and magic of Christmas abounding- people get mean and vicious and turn vile. 

There have been many sleepless nights and many tears shed over the past month. Tears shed over things that we cannot control. Many prayers and pleadings lifted to God- and many doubts that this is really our life right now. Disclaimer: Kevin and I are fine..beyond blessed and happily married with a healthy communication system. But the rest of the things we have been dealing with are not fine. 

Sometimes we get hurt and sometimes there are people in our lives who live to just make us miserable. I know we have made mistakes as well- I do not deny that. I also know that we are only a part of the problem. I know my family's struggles are just a small portion of what is really going on in this world today. 

So much evil. Pure evil and animosity. Why? Why are people just down right ugly and inconsiderate? At Christmas!? Why do we let people have that influence over us? 

I don't have the answers- and I don't understand why people in your own family treat you like you are a criminal. No- criminals have better treatment than we have been given. Maybe an outcast- a leper would be the best example I can think of. Completely cutoff from the rest of the world because YOU (mainly its just me) have a problem (or are the problem). 

Christmas should be about cherishing the times you have with loved ones. Focusing on how you can share Jesus with others to advance the kingdom. Love and sweet memories are supposed to be made- not hate and nightmares. It is truly the most wonderful time of the year- but this year is different. 

I don't know what other people are dealing with right now, but I know we aren't the only ones who have real life problems that are never known to the outside world. In the past year- we have seen 5 of our friend's marriages crumble. Our friends have seen loved ones go before their time. We have seen families ripped apart because of the actions of a few individuals. We have heard of families losing everything- from fires, to money- to just reasons that are out of their hands. We have also seen how people's true colors come out- and I can tell you- they are fitting for the season. Red with anger & hate and green with envy & spite. 

God has been trying to teach me something and I haven't been listening. Two weeks ago our Sunday School lesson was about loving others like Christ did- and treating them how Christ did. I have failed incredibly at this. My anger and my bitterness and my hurt have hidden the light in me. This week I even taught the Sunday School lesson- and it was about where our hope comes from. Things may seem hopeless to us- but they are never hopeless with God. Apparently I didn't get the message until now.

God has been there- and thankfully he still is there. He knows the struggles. He is just waiting for us to come and give all the crap, disappointment, frustrations, bitterness, hurt, and pure anger to Him to resolve.  It is hard to realize that you can't fix people- or the problems people create for you, but find comfort in knowing that God wants to- and everything is possible with Him. 

Praying specifically today for God to work not just in my family, but for anyone else who is having a hard time this Christmas. 

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

A Little more hurt- A lot less me

Whirlwind. That is how I feel right now. Like so much is going on, but truth be told, nothing is happening.

I decided I needed a break. A mental health break from everything. So- Thursday I took myself to Chickfila in my pjs to get free dinner, took myself to the movies at 11:30 (thanks for the free ticket Campbell), bought peanut butter m&ms, and watched The Avengers with a friend. Then Friday- I got up- drove to Macon, and spent some time and money on myself. New clothes always make me feel good, even if my wallet has to suffer. I got a free robe and some free perfume, so that helped too. And I fit in a size 0. Did you see that? No 1's in front of the zero. No other digits besides it. Just a simple oval. That helped a bit too. (Although, I didn't buy it, because it wasn't as good of a sale as I needed).

I made an awesome PBB&J (pnut butter, banana, jelly) sandwich when I got home. Spent a few minutes with my little black girl.

THEN. I switched my day off focus of me- to someone else. I don't know why I keep doing this- it only makes things worse. Let me include someone else. Let me do this with that person. Let me go invite this person. Urgh.

So the whole point of Friday was to make me feel better about myself- and then I go and mess it up worrying about other people. People that don't worry about me, but only need me in their life when it is uber convenient to them.

Why do I keep doing this? Why can't I just let go of some people and some things in my life that only seem to be creating more harm?

Why do I have this plan of how things should be  how I want them to be, only to be disappointed and let down one more time after the other? If the secret to life is being happy- man oh man- I have messed this up yet again. I can't be happy because I worry about things and people that don't reciprocate those feelings. It is hard to truly be disconnected from people that you once thought so highly of and cared so much for. I don't know why I can't just get on with my life, but I can't.

The crying comes in bits and pieces now. Not as intense of an ugly cry face, but just as heartbreaking on the inside. It won't end. It won't ever go away.

A dear friend told me the other night as I was pouring out my broken heart to him that just because I am not having problems like other people doesn't mean that it isn't important. It is important if I am going through it. He told me that every person's problems are all different from each other's and they matter regardless of if they are big or small, they still matter. I shouldn't compare my situation to other's and negate what I am going though, because it is what I am going through at this time in my life.

I don't know who I am anymore. I hear what other's say about me and I wonder if that is who I really am- a  horrible person who only messes up things and relationships, dramatic, helpless, hopeless and not worth it. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know if I ever did. All I know is all of this is stripping away my identity. I am not who I was- I am not who I wanted to be. I don't know how to find her. I am at a fork in the road. in the middle of Spaghetti Junction in the middle of the highway with everything coming at me and no one riding in the HOV to take off some of the stress.

Is it my portion?

If anyone is a total hypocrite, oh I have earned the title tonight. Last night I sat before my college Bible study class on Wednesdays and preached the Word about God being our Mighty Warrior who rescues us, saves us, and reverses our captivity. How God takes delight over us and gets excited about us- then sings over us because he is so in love with us. How God is going to give honor and praise to us. I spoke about Zephaniah 3:17, 20. 


I also talked about Lamentations 3: 19-24. How even in the middle of the affliction (the things that hurt), the wandering (straying away doing our own thing), the bitterness (all of the hurt and frustrations we refuse to give up), and the gall (the bad tastes left in our mouths from experiences)- that because of God's great love- we are not consumed. We are not swallowed up- it doesn't overtake us. The things that are creating chaos around us are not going to get the best of us- because of God's great love. His word says his compassions never fail- and that they are new everyday. He never gives up giving us mercy, even when we fail. The last verse, vs 24 says "I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."


Total hypocrite. I just got done having the flood gates opened. I sat here and cried to my deddy who came to visit about my housing situation. I cried and cried about how I feel like a failure and nothing ever works for me- and how I have had to move every year for the past 5 years. It gets old. And heartbreaking. It is really draining to change your address that many times and never have anything to show for it.It really is devastating. 


Yes- I can still stay in my townhouse, but I dont want to commit to a year's lease. I don't want to be tied down in something that isn't mine. So, the packing must begin soon. 


There aren't many options for me right now, and I am so upset. I like the quality and the newness of my townhouse, so it will suck going to something not as nice, but I just have to learn how to deal with it. BUT- right last night I told my friends The Lord is our Mighty Warrior- he fights til it is finished. He rescues us from the things that hold us captive. Right now, my captivity is in housing. Did I pray? No. Did I seek out Godly wisdom? No. Did I text my friends to pray for me? No. I just sat here and cried and basically gave up on myself. Way to read the Word and just be a hearer of it and not a doer. 


So, at 11:32pm I find myself really questioning the believability that I have when I get into the Word.Why teach it if you aren't going to live it? The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. Hmm. God is what I am supposed to be feasting on. Not the things of this world. God never gives up on me, even when I give up on myself. His compassions never fail- everyday he brings about new ones to share with you- with me-with all of creation to remind us how much he really does love us. He is a Warrior. 


What a beautiful image to think of God as someone who goes to battle for me- for my heart to protect it, as well as be the guiding force for my mind. He saves. He rescues. Life doesn't flash before your eyes because you messed up and its over; life is now made whole and God gives you praise and honor. I hope you will pray for my contentment, my sanctification, and for me to wait on the Lord.

It happens in a blink

From where I was to what I am- by far this has been one of the most emotional years of my life. I am not sure what to make of it. I think I am ok, then I am slowly reminded when I am alone that I am not.

I saw a good friend and coworker of mine yesterday while I was walking Mowgli, a different route, another divine appointment. We talked about work, life, and Easter. Jamaal has always been a great friend of mine and I know he is a genuine friend who truly cares about me. We caught up for a few minutes then he headed in for his night shift with Public Safety. I sweated it out and walked all over downtown Milledgeville.

I took the key out of my shoe to open my door once I got home, and up pulls Jamaal in his cop car. We talk a little while, not even 6 minutes. He tells me he is sorry, because he feels like I have been disappointed by him, and I tell him that I haven't. I tell him all about the past weeks events and how I am just so confused, and he just reminds me to stay in prayer. It is at this moment a tear streams down my left cheek and I hastily wipe it away so there won't be more. Only true friends can remind you of this, because they understand they don't have or know the words to tell you for your situation, but they understand that never losing communication with God is the only answer to all of your problems. Jammal left and went back to patrol; I went inside and sat at the bottom of my stairwell and cried.

Muffled sobs and eyes overwhelmed. I do not even know where or what this was from, but I just know it hurt. I sat there 10 minutes just crying. Sobbing, with my face in my hands, coming up every now and again for a real breath.

I forced myself to continue working out. My walk had just lasted about an hour- though it doesn't seem like much, it was all uphill and long and hot. I did a butt (weird typing that) back and biceps workout for another 45 minutes. I then made myself dinner: pork zucchini tacos and 3 strawberries with caramel cream. Then showered, did some computer time, then headed upstairs to blow dry my hair.

And it happened again. Do you know how hard it is to blow dry your hair and cry at the same time? It kinda defeats the purpose. My face was wrenched in a particularly ugly way, and my hair was as big as Texas. After I finished drying my Marge Simpson hair, I got in the bed and just laid there and cried some more. I can't explain this, no matter how hard I try. Something was tugging on my heart, and I don't know why it bothered me to this point. I read my friend's blog about her insomnia and I desperately wished that was my problem, that I had to much going on in my mind to wind down, instead of too much going on in my heart. I laid my head on one pillow in the middle of the bed and pulled the other pillow over my face, and just cried it out until I finally got control of my breathing and fell asleep.

 I don't understand, I don't feel ok, and I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. If answers weren't like searching for a needle in a haystack, I might find some comfort and resolution. I am certainly hoping that the "more" I am looking for, shows up soon. And if it doesn't, my hearts prayer is that God reveals his perfect purpose to me.

"Let Her Cry"

Are you a Hootie and the Blowfish fan? I certainly am. My parents loved them when I was growing up, so I know all the words. Their song "Let Her Cry" is a song about a girl who chooses drugs and completely changes in a relationship and how the guy responds to her and how he has to leave.

The chorus goes:
Let her cry, if the tears fall down like rain

Let her sing, if it eases all her pain
Let her go,let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be, let her be.

Not that I can relate to the drug part, but the part about crying- oh yeah I understand that fully. I have some amazing friends who have helped me through this crappy time in my life. Friends who have let me cry it out on their shoulders, run over to their houses because they understand what it is like to feel this way, and friends who have never told me once to stop crying.

These have been my truest of friends. Never once telling me to "get over it" or "you should be done crying"; if anything, they have cared enough about me to encourage my crying and to cry as much as I want.

One person, who has tried to be in my business when it is of no place of their business told me in these words exactly "Eventually you'll realize that there's nothing worth crying over. You'll be fine"... next message "its not like I'm trying to be doctor Phil. I'm just saying "get over it, it was a break up, you weren't married, so you should be over this in about a month" in a nice way. Does that clear it up?"

Do you know how those words stung? Can you imagine the feelings of anger and hostility that engulfed my being when I read that? If that was the nice way- my gosh, I would hate to know how you really felt.  Don't ever say those words- to anyone, but especially a GIRL. Nothing worth crying over? A month to get over? I'm sorry- we dated for over a year, it isn't something you just let go of in a month. Girl's hearts were created to love, and that process doesn't just vaporize once the relationship ends.

This person has made me so angry- yet I have to remind my friends who have said "cry as much as you need" and "it is ok to cry Rachel, that means you cared". Don't ever take that healing process away from someone- if they are crying. It isn't your battle. It has nothing to do with you thinking crying is ludacrious. Like Hootie said, "let her cry, ...let her be".

People have to deal with things how they choose. They need to find healing and cleansing through those tears. I know I am not going to be this way forever, gosh I so hope that, but I know that I truly loved someone, gave them my heart and invested more than just a month's worth of feeling into them. I know that this is going to affect me for the rest of my life and I know that if I want to break down and cry- it is ok to do that. It is part of me dealing with it.

So, this note is a thank you to the people who have never once tried to suffocate my feelings or be mean to me because I have been a basket case. I appreciate your true friendship- and the ability to be able to cry in front of you and you not judge me. Thank you for loving me.

Crybaby

The time has come- the weekend is over. People keep asking how I'm doing, I just want to say- here, read this and you will know how I really am doing. 


Friday I was the guest speaker for the Health club at Blandy Elementary- then had some special deddy-daughter time at Mellow Mushroom, then my deddy took Mowgli for the weekend. 


So- I was home alone at 8pm on a Friday night.This really isn't how I pictured my life at age 27, but this is how it is. I am sure there were lots of things that I could have been doing, but they didn't happen. At 8:55pm I crawled into bed and then it started. It is awfully amazing how you can see something that reminds you of someone- and then cry. Cry until there is nothing left in you. Cry to the point where you are just holding your tshirt over your face so you dont have to continually wipe the tears away. The cry that makes you feel like every fiber in you is welling up these tears, almost like your body is working against you- because you know you don't want to do this. You have no idea how the body can produce so much fluid and yet it continues to stream down your face. 


So, I literally just laid there and cried. I cried for 40 minutes then tried to get it together and find some comfort in God's word. I searched, but I wasn't really sure what I was searching for- just something to honestly make me stop crying. I read lots of verses, but I kept going back to 1 John 4. The entire chapter. My coworker had shared verse 4 with me earlier,  and I was just drawn to it. It tied in with my post about Jesus overcoming the world. The verse says You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.  I have certainly reached my breaking point 2 and a half months later still, and I am just struggling. I was reminded of the very post that I wrote- Jesus overcame the world and HE IS IN ME. He is more powerful and greater than the stupid liar Satan who is here in this world. I kept reading. The rest of the chapter talks about loving others with God's love and how God's love is made complete in us, as well as while we are here in this world- we are like Jesus.


My attitude changed as I was shown how God really did show love to the world. Am I truly being like Jesus? Ha. The answer is a large and in charge NO. He was in constant communication with the Father, and never complained about his situations. He rejoiced in everything and made it a point to minister to others- even when he didn't want to. My attitude and being hasn't been that- all I have seemed to be doing is crying. Constantly feeling like I am drowning because I am surrounded by an ocean of tears.


I prayed that God would make those verses real to me -then tried not to cry myself to sleep, but that was a fail as well. 


Today, Sunday- urgh. Cryday as well. A tear stained face is how I entered and left church tonight and I had been crying at my parents again earlier that day. Whoever said "It gets easier" lied. I wasn't a cryer before this relationship. Now I cry at the drop of a a hat. Over lots of things, not just my relationship failing. The cries today were at least not as ugly as the one from Monday. Geeze, that was awful. These were manageable, but hurt none the less. 


When will this brokenness leave me? When will I not cry myself to sleep? When will I not cry at the sight of something that reminds me of that relationship and that person? When will it get "easier"? When When When? I don't and won't have the answer for that. I have to remember this is a process- and I am not in control of the refinement department. 


I am not putting all of this out there to make you feel sorry for me. NOT in the least. Sometimes when I write out things it makes it more real to me- or allows me to see how dumb I am being because this sounds completely ridiculous that I am crying this much. Maybe that is part of it. I don't know, but I'm grateful for the friends who notice my tear stained face and pull me away to talk. They know. And I am grateful that they don't judge me when I break down in front of them. 


I am not sure what lies ahead, but I am certain that these tears are cleansing a part of me that is desperate for healing. 

In the Middle of My Madness

Yesterday evening I went and visited my parents. I don't spend near as much time as I should with them, so I decided just to go hang out for a while. My dad and I talked about a few things, then I went and watched the news. I was quickly reminded why I quit watching the news; there was nothing positive on it. My heart broke for the civilians killed in Afghanistan by the deranged American soldier. The conflict in Syria is overwhelming. So as I sat and watched, I fell asleep. When I woke up, apparently the demons of desperation did too. I went to talk to my deddy and then the flood gates opened.

I cried relentlessly about my life and everything in it. I desperately want to have my own place- and not live around drunk loud college students. I am sick of looking and nothing ever working out. Then my deddy tells me I can't afford a house. Well awesome. So, all these time the past 2 years was a waste. Then I talk about just other things in life and cry some more. My mom comes in from work during the middle of this cryfest.

My deddy is my hero, but he doesn't have a good way with words and emotions. I know it is because his dad was the exact same way. So when my mom got there, he let her take over. So, I sat on a small step stool in my parents kitchen and cried. Not just tears peeking out over my cheeks, but my face in my hands and my eyes soaked and snot literally connecting my jacket to my face.

My parents tried to give their best advice, but somehow I can't really process "you just have to get over it". My heart is so broken at this point, I just honestly don't know what to do. So, I left Mowgli for an overnight and for some alone time.

I come home, work out again, and then sit on my couch trying to hold back the waterfalls again. I ask God to show me something in his word about making things new. I searched "made new" on my Bible app. I skim over a few verses, then one jumped out at me.

Isaiah 43:18 "Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past." Could you have made it any more real God? I find myself in the past a lot. Thinking about what was and why that isn't the case now. This breakup has shaken my world up so much, but right there God says forget that. Continue reading verse 19 "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and stream in the wasteland."


Ah God, you got me a again. This is how I interpret that verse "Hellooo! I am doing something new in your life- you dont even feel it whelling up in you do you? I am cutting out a path for you in the middle of this lonely place and I am bringing a source of life to a desserted place."

So, even in the middle of my madness of tears, snot, and a feeling of desperation that I can't explain, God says that HE is at work in me- even if I don't or can't feel it. I am so glad God moves in my meltdowns.