..going down the only road I've ever known.
Monday. Monday. Monday. Didn't post last week because of the ice- even though I had 2 days off- I just chose to be lazy. Well- not really. I cleaned up our house- even vacuumed the mattress and pillows on our bed and cleaned the bathroom.
Georgia- you sure have been crazy lately. Snow- real fluffy snow- iced roads- a catastrophic event in Atlanta- 2.5 days off from work- then turn around and do it all again 2 weeks later- ice this time and 2 days off again. I am not complaining about not going to work. And then an earthquake on Valentine's day night. Go home Mother Nature, you're drunk.
My revelations of these past events: crazy. This is crazy.
The only thing that can make this ice and snow go away is heat and light. We had snow in our yard for a while because it was in the shade. People were put in the darkness from these storms because of ice and trees on the lines. Some didn't have power for days. The only thing that would make them happy is to have their lights back on. To feel the warmth and to be able to see in the dark. To feel alive again, because the dark can be a scary and depressing place.
Funny. That is how our lives are. So dark and so cold. Depressing and meaningless- and sometimes scary. Yet again- the only thing that can change our hardened hearts is light. The light of Christ. Only He can melt the heart of stone.
My heart has been heavy to pray for people that I am related to/can't stand/don't like/ but know that the need Jesus to change their heart (even when they tell me they don't need any extra prayers or any help from me).
If you look in these pictures of the trees and bushes from my yard, you will see there is something encased in the ice. I can see the potential of it to come back to life, but I can not melt the ice or unfreeze it. Only light can do that. I see people like that. There is potential for them to be made new, it just has to be unfrozen.
So this week, I pray for the words to pray for others that I don't like. I see the challenge God has laid before me. It isn't for me to change them or fix them- the challenge is for me to pray for them when I. Don't. Want. To. Only Christ can change a heart- bring it to life- and melt the cold, bitter, hatred, spiteful, and mean heart- and raise this life up from the dead.
Maybe my heart needs to be melted as well. Funny how God gives you grand ideas that you think can change the world- but honestly he is just trying to change you me.
I would say these things:
- Just because "everyone else is doing it or accepting of it" doesn't mean you have to follow suit.
- Teenage love is a very fragile and strange thing. Don't get so caught up in that boy that you miss out on high school.
- Real love is possible- but it happens when God wants it to happen to you. Stop trying to rush it.
- Don't start rumors. Derail that gossip train or jump off of it. Nobody likes to be talked about.
- So many things are going to change from the time you graduate high school til the time you are 25. Pace yourself- do a lot of fun things- and make memories- not regrets.
- Don't live in the "shoulda, coulda, woulda"- live in the I came. I saw. I conquered.
- Be the friend you would like others to be to you.
- Be honest. Talk open. Listen sometimes. And just because you have an opinion, doesnt mean you have to share it all the time.
- Go out of your way to do something for someone that you don't like. Show them how to love, even if it hurts your pride.
- Give your best- do more than try.
- Find positive things in life that make you happy- and dedicate time weekly to do them.
- Spend time in the Word. Learn it, recite it, memorize it, hold it dear to your heart.
- Don't set the example- be it.
- Learn to let go of things that are not bringing you closer to Christ. Know that everything comes in seasons.
- Sometimes, it is ok to rock the boat. Capsize it even. But be tasteful about it.
- Be willing to forgive. Holding on to anger only rots YOU from the core. Allow God to provide the healing.
- Stand up for what you believe in, and if you are proven wrong, learn from that experience.
- Money does solve problems as well as create them. It can buy things to make you happy, but also those things will soon make you miserable.
- Focus on Christ and center your life around him- and everything else will fall in to place. ( Matthew 6:33)
These are the things I would say to me.
If I could say one thing to you- oh, from the depths of my heart it would be Thank you. You will never know how grateful I truly am. It was the best decision you could have EVER MADE. Ever ever ever- man- genius move. A few months ago- someone told me "you will look back and know why THIS didn't work out and why something else did".
That same person told me that I would be thankful that this happened, because you. weren't. it. They couldn't have been more right.
If I could say one thing to you- mmm- I think it would be the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Your precious presentation of "how you are" doesnt match up with your actions. But the crazy thing is- I don't even want to say one thing to you.
One thing to you- the rains will come. Heavy and constant. You will be drenched and sometimes soaked to the core. Cold wet and lonely are things you might experience. Know this though: in order for things to GROW, somebody has to give it some water. Your life is like a desert in your times of need, hurt, and exploration. If you never get water in a desert- you die. BUT, if you get water- you live. Know that in order to grow as a person, you will have to get wet to sink your roots down and pull help from the depths of things you never knew existed in you. Sometimes, those rains of hard times and trials seem like they will never end- and maybe for you it will be a hurricane or a monsoon- taking away everything you cherish or leaving you with nothing but a basket of crushed emotions. Growth comes in the times after the watering dear friend. These are the times when you find out who you really are and what you are really made of.
One thing to you: Dr. Suess said "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind". If you really are the words that you describe yourself with, start living up to it. It should be evident and I wouldnt question it. And if your true character is being ^%*^&, then I hope you make some changes to be something different. Stop pretending to be something you aren't ever going to be. Why do you want to be someone else anyway? You aren't a clone. You are an individual with the Creator's fingerprints all over you being. Just because all your friends "do it" doesnt really require you to do it. Stand out in a crowd, not sit down where no one can see you. Don't follow the "cool" things, set your own course and make life your own.
One last thing: People are put in your life for seasons. Just as the seasons change faithfully every year- so too will your group of friends. Things change for a reason- and we might never understand why, but value those people for the times you get have them in your life and be thankful for them. Many will come and many will go, select few will make it through more than a couple of seasons with you. So invest fully and wholeheartedly in your season changers, because they are doing the same for you.
Sometimes I have a lot of questions in my head and they scream and try and take over my brain. If you could somehow tap into my thoughts and actually see and hear what is going on in there, I think it would not only scare the bageezies out of you, but you would probably think I was stupid. I have a lot of questions that this world can't answer and I am having to search them out myself and figure them out. Questions that overwelm me. Sometimes I take them to God, sometimes I don't. Here are a few thoughts that I just can't get a grip on:
Why is it that every one of my friends from college is happy, married, pregnant, or living the dream- and I feel like I am barely getting by?
What needs to change in me so I can live my dreams? How do I get there? What do I need to let go of in order to see who I really am? What do I even want out of life? What are my dreams?, because I don't know at this point.
What does it feel like to wake up next to the same person every day? What does it feel like to know that someone loves you so much they want to spend the rest of their life with you- no one else but you?
Why is it that some people can eat whatever they want and never sweat a drop and can have a much smaller body- and I literally look at food and gain weight?
What is it like to know that you make someone happy? What does it feel like to know that someone wants to make you the happiest person in the world and they do simple random sweet nice things to make this happen? Or yet- what is it like to know that someone WANTS you in their life as well as NEEDS you?
What is it like to sit back in your house and know that you are paying for this house- you own it?
How does it feel to know you have a talent that people request your services for? Do people ever get sick of their talents and wish for something else? Do they get tired of using their talents and ever compare themselves to others who are different from them?
How does it really feel to have money? Seriously, the ability to do whatever, whenever without money being an option?
Do the people that I esteem the highest have secret sins like I do that they find themselves running to when they are alone- or do they truly have their lives together and I am just an idiot?
How does it feel to know someone is really in love with you, and that they don't just love you as a person, they are in love with you?
Have people who just up and moved ever regretted it- or was it the best decision they ever made?
How do you truly become a better person- one where people don't gossip about you because there is nothing bad to say?
How do you really get content with what you have and not envy other's for the things they have?
When it is all said and done, are people going to celebrate your life- or just be glad it is over?
Why is it easy to fix other people and their problems, but I can't even admit my own or work on myself first?
Why do we have to be alone, when we don't want to be alone- no friends, no common comforts, nothing- and why does it hurt so bad?
What made me not good enough? Can that be changed- or is it a part of me?
How does it feel to truly make a difference in someone's life and know that you helped change them for good?
Do people look up to me- or are they looking down on me because of how I present myself in certain situations?
That is enough for now. It is just as overwhelming to see all of this in print than ringing in my ears.
This is where I am today. If I had to sum up the past week's life events in one word- it would be one of those three. I just can't decide which.
A lot has gone on, but I am remaining in the quiet, so I guess you will just have to sit here with me until I want to reveal the latest life has been throwing at me.
It is so strange to me- how I can literally be in an emotional dessert for weeks, surviving on tears and the thin line of hope, and then an unexplainable gust of LIFE is thrown in my face and I have to army crawl my way through. I haven't made it out yet, I know that for sure.
Some would say it is opportunities. Others might say it is what I asked for. Even still, someone might say that good old lemonade line. Can't I just throw the lemons back? Really? I picture this scene of life like that 90s show American Gladiator- the final stage when they have to dodge the tennis balls being shot out of a humongous cannon by a body builder who could curl me with one arm. Life is the equivalent of "Storm" or "Nitro", my favorite, pelting you with tennis balls. Life tries to nail you right square in the head with something to knock you off your feet a while. And as these contestants tried their absolute best to move to the next station and fire back- you could either see 1 of 2 things in their eyes: Determination to beat the Gladiators or Defeat knowing they couldn't beat such a "monster" of a person.
I am not used to life being this way- with everything going crappy one month, then the next being at an absolute standstill like an old 25cent horse machine that won't move regardless of how many coins you put in. Then, out of no where, comes everything and their brother for you to have to deal with. It is overwelming. It is too much for me right now. I don't want to touch it, because I know I will mess up this chaos even more.
I don't know why it all had to come within the same week of each other: life changing decisions, mindsets, and hardships, but I know they are here, and they have yet to have their way with me I fear. I know it is only going to get worse. The snowball is getting bigger with every second of every passing day.
But, and I did say but, I am thankful that I serve the Creator of the lemonade stand. Though sometimes my life is a little more bitter than I would have liked, I know that it is making me in to the person that God wants me to be. I also know the sweeter times sprinkled with an extra teaspoon of sugar are not as sweet if I don't praise the Lord for the bitter times that got me to the sweet. So, as I turn to take in my lemonade for now, I stand confident that the Lemonade Maker is working on his recipe of life for me- and only he can perfect it- give and take away- and make it right for where I am.
It has been an incredibly long time since I sat down and poured out my thoughts. I have had the time- just no ambition. No one cares anyway. It's not like I am writing a profound cant put down novel over here.
But on to business. These are a few things that I am learning/ have learned/ want to apply over the last few months. Take them for what they are, but trust me, don't make someone say them to you twice. Pay attention now.
1. Who do you say you are? No really, who do you really say you are? If what you say isn't matching up with your life, then something needs to change.
2. There is divine purpose in EVERYTHING. Even when you think you specifically have no purpose, God is still at work. He is the mastermind architect. The incredible painter. The constant house flipper. He is still at work, never stopped as a matter of fact, and is perfecting you.
3. God's will is going to be done- regardless of if you try and speed it up or slow it down (Aaron Gibbs, college friend). So- when there is chaos- remember that the Creator of storms and winds and rain, is also the Creator of rainbows, dew on the lillies, and blue skies. It may be a long time coming, and you may never see the end results, but hold fast to the promises that God is still in control. He has already let things pass through his permissive hands that can happen to you, find comfort in knowing he is holding you in those hands as well.
4. People aren't what they seem- there is always a closet filled with skeletons or in some cases an attic with demons waiting to be unleashed on someone. We can't judge people for the things that are in their past or present, all we can do is meet them where they are and love them. That is it. You don't have to like them.
5. Putting your faith in the created takes your focus off of the Creator. The more you try to do, even if it is Church things, can take your focus off of who Christ is and what he did for you. Learn to really cling, like a tree frog on a window, to the Word of God and put your faith in the ultimate inventor of life.
6. Words aren't always pretty. Sometimes they go on slick like paint on a wall- and sometimes they go over like a blender with no lid filled with a smoothie on high. Be careful of how you react to people. Be careful of the words you choose to let come out of your mouth. Sometimes, it is best to just let them flash in your mind instead of bringing them out like a parade at Disney.
7. Life does go on. As trivial and negating to your situation as that might sound, it is true. If you are still breathing, life is still happening. Make the most to not miss too much of it when you are down.
8. Love is hard. Really hard. It hurts to give it your all only to be given back nothing. Love is a battlefield like Jordin Sparks said. Filled with landmines of despair and hand grenades of your shortcomings. These things blow up in your face and hurt. Sting. Even make you feel things in places you have never felt. It is hard to love. It is hard to get over a love. If you think it is worth working at, then make a plan to dodge the bombs and work it out. If the war is too much, give it up and find out who you want to be before you try and love again.
9. It is ok to cry. Cry until you can't anymore. Get it out and let it run dry. Cry when you feel the need. Don't supress it. Let it out. You aren't accountable to anyone on this earth for crying. Sometimes those tears are what we need to wash away the dirty window in front of us and let us see things differently- or just see them for what they really are for the first time.
10. True friends will be there without asking. You won't ever have to wonder where they are or why they haven't called. The ones you have to seek out for interaction, then those aren't your truest. The genuine ones know when you are struggling- and call you out on it because they care. You will know your true friends when you find yourself with nothing, and then a true friend notices and calls, texts, or makes it a point to communicate with you. You won't have to look very far for these, because they stand out in the crowd and don't just blend in with the "friends" circle you keep.
11. People don't change. Gasp- say what? No, they really don't. You can't change them either. So quit trying. It isn't worth your time or effort. Things aren't going to get better, by anything you do or say. people only change when they realize the need for improvement. They are the only ones who can make these changes. Not you. Not your mom. And not some book.
12. Take moments for yourself. Do something once a month for JUST YOU!!. No one else can accompany, no one else needs to know about it. Just you. Find out what you want in life and make a way to get there. Spend some time, and sometimes some money, on YOU. There is only one of you, so why not make it a worthwhile investment?
I hope you take these words to heart. They are true. They are real. They really do apply to your life now and what it is going to be.
So many times I hear this from people "I can't wait til Friday (and it is Monday)" "I wish this day would hurry up and end" "Can we fast forward to next weekend (And it is still the present weekend)?
I do this sometimes too, but I have lately been thinking about life differently. We wish away the present and only long for better exciting times in the future. As if this day we have been given isn't enough.
Life does get overwhelming. I know this all too well. Now I don't have major responsibilities, only a job, bills and a dog. Kids, owning a house, being married, appointments and 50 'leven things to do don't surround me. But I do know what it is like to wish days were over and wish we could just live in the happy fun exciting times all the time.
But I think we miss something much bigger than how we see it when we wish away today. You can't change your past- so there is no need to dwell there and keep living in memories that have been written, stamped, sealed, and delivered to closed chapters in the book of your life. You can't predict the future- so there really isn't a point to aim hopelessly at getting at the next day or looking forward to things way down the road to just get us out of where we are today. You can use your past to shape your future. The things you do now set the course for how things could go for you. Take the lessons you have learned, from your mistakes as well as others, take the blessings you have been given, and resolve to not let the things of yesterday or today determine your tomorrow.
How often do you really live in the NOW? Not gazing off for tomorrow in your dreamlike fairytale of a life- and certainly not in the place where you can only visit in memory and not in real life. The NOW. What are you doing NOW?
Do you enjoy the day or is it just a dread and you have to push through, just holding onto a glimmer of hope that tomorrow is GOING to be better? Do you take time (to smell the roses)? Or do you gobble up your day like the Cookie Monster does cookies and have nothing left to show at the end of it but regret and arms wide open with a confused facial expression of "where'd the cookies go"?
Yes- days to suck. Yes- sometimes the past makes its presence known all to well and it clouds our vision for today. Yes- sometimes tomorrow is gonna be more fun. BUT- what are you missing out on today? Maybe it is a long converstation with someone you don't know- or normally wouldn't talk to. Maybe it is getting work done so you can ENJOY that tomorrow. Maybe- just maybe- it is time for you to sit and pray.
I hope you read this and are reminded to live in the NOW. Not what was or could be- but just the now. Don't wish away your todays, because those tomorrows could turn out to be worse, or even yet, not happen. Live in the now- and you wont question where the cookies went.
Today- is a funny day. I decided I would try and look presentable this week, since I have failed to do so for sometime now at work. I tried yesterday and it went over well, so I figured I would at least keep it up for the week. This means: actually fixing my hair, pretty makeup, and a cute outfit. The part about fixing my hair- man I love my locks- but getting up to fix it isn't a top priority of mine. Actually getting up and getting out of the bed takes more precedence. Not today though- or yesterday.
Today- I decided to wear my new gray fitted dress, straighten my hair, and highlight my eyes with my favorite color of blue. I did all of this. Then I found myself in my closet looking at all my shoes and deciding that I had little time to make a decision- so I put on my black flats and decided I looked too winterish for spring and then put on my favorite denim peep toe ballet stretch flats. Out the door I went and work greeted me at office 120W.
Around 10:15 I get a call from one of my best friends at work, who literally works down the hall from me, asking me if I had some flats she could borrow for jury duty. She failed to read the dress code memo and wore flip flops. She asked if I could go home and get her some of my shoes, the perk of having a friend wear your same size, and I told her I would. Then she told me she had to be back upstairs in the courthouse by 10:30- and I said- you know what, I will just bring you the shoes I am wearing now.
So, off I went in a hurried drive downtown. I hop the curb, put it in park and both of us are standing there barefoot taking the other's shoes. Quite a site I am sure.
I get back in the car and get back to work. With these new shoes on my feet. And I can already tell that even though we both wear a 9- Amy has either way more arch or way more flat footedness than me. The shoes fit, but there is something uncomfortable about this arch.
Funny- because that motto of walking in a person's shoes before you judge them come complete circle in my mind. Now, I haven't walked a mile. My feet are fine, these shoes aren't awful. But I am reminded of the times when I cast judgement or come to the table with my mind made up about how people are and never once do I give them the benefit of seeing them for what they truly are.
I judge. I am going to make a call that says maybe you do to. It is surely hard to not judge- to not be jealous- and to just love people for where they are. Throughout our days we let racist, sexist, and prejudice remarks not only come from our mouths, but fall deep in our ears. Never defending the weak. Never telling people it isn't ok to talk about someone you really don't know- or gasp, even the people that you do know.
I don't want to be that person. I truly want to make a difference in this world. I really want to make it better than what it is now. So as I sit in my office barefooted, not because of the shoes I traded for, but because it is my office and I hate wearing shoes inside-period, I ponder how you go about being a truly better person and not throwing stereotypes, preconceived notions, prejudices, and a better-than-you-attitude up in the air to fall like hail and hurt others. Maybe that should be my goal for May- to find out how to be a better person and meet people where they are- not where I want them to be.
