Snap back to reality

These last couple of months have been an incredibly trying time in mine and my family's lives. To say that it is has been bad is an understatement. A Jerry Springer episode is a better example of what we have been living. Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

(You know you watched. Just to see what crazy story would come up next- and laugh at how mind-boggling people really could be. It was my daily ritual for a while with my mom- no shame in my game.)

If I were to really write it out- what arguments, what hateful, disturbing words have been said, what actions have been completed, and what image is really portrayed- you would really laugh because it is so insanely ridiculous. 

It never ceases to amaze me that stuff hits the fan around the holidays- not just in my family but in lots of families. Instead of celebrations and the excitement and magic of Christmas abounding- people get mean and vicious and turn vile. 

There have been many sleepless nights and many tears shed over the past month. Tears shed over things that we cannot control. Many prayers and pleadings lifted to God- and many doubts that this is really our life right now. Disclaimer: Kevin and I are fine..beyond blessed and happily married with a healthy communication system. But the rest of the things we have been dealing with are not fine. 

Sometimes we get hurt and sometimes there are people in our lives who live to just make us miserable. I know we have made mistakes as well- I do not deny that. I also know that we are only a part of the problem. I know my family's struggles are just a small portion of what is really going on in this world today. 

So much evil. Pure evil and animosity. Why? Why are people just down right ugly and inconsiderate? At Christmas!? Why do we let people have that influence over us? 

I don't have the answers- and I don't understand why people in your own family treat you like you are a criminal. No- criminals have better treatment than we have been given. Maybe an outcast- a leper would be the best example I can think of. Completely cutoff from the rest of the world because YOU (mainly its just me) have a problem (or are the problem). 

Christmas should be about cherishing the times you have with loved ones. Focusing on how you can share Jesus with others to advance the kingdom. Love and sweet memories are supposed to be made- not hate and nightmares. It is truly the most wonderful time of the year- but this year is different. 

I don't know what other people are dealing with right now, but I know we aren't the only ones who have real life problems that are never known to the outside world. In the past year- we have seen 5 of our friend's marriages crumble. Our friends have seen loved ones go before their time. We have seen families ripped apart because of the actions of a few individuals. We have heard of families losing everything- from fires, to money- to just reasons that are out of their hands. We have also seen how people's true colors come out- and I can tell you- they are fitting for the season. Red with anger & hate and green with envy & spite. 

God has been trying to teach me something and I haven't been listening. Two weeks ago our Sunday School lesson was about loving others like Christ did- and treating them how Christ did. I have failed incredibly at this. My anger and my bitterness and my hurt have hidden the light in me. This week I even taught the Sunday School lesson- and it was about where our hope comes from. Things may seem hopeless to us- but they are never hopeless with God. Apparently I didn't get the message until now.

God has been there- and thankfully he still is there. He knows the struggles. He is just waiting for us to come and give all the crap, disappointment, frustrations, bitterness, hurt, and pure anger to Him to resolve.  It is hard to realize that you can't fix people- or the problems people create for you, but find comfort in knowing that God wants to- and everything is possible with Him. 

Praying specifically today for God to work not just in my family, but for anyone else who is having a hard time this Christmas. 

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

2013 in review

So last year I made a big 13 point goal list. You can read about it here. 2013 goals

Let's just say I didn't quite reach most of these goals. I did read a few books- not 13- but my textbooks count as 2 apiece- so that's 4, then I read Beyond the Badge. I started another...but haven't finished it. Oh- I also read American Sniper.

I do pray for my husband a lot. A whole lot. From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. 

Dog walking. Ha. Those poor babies need some walks. 

Out of 13 places. I went to: Hilton Head, Miami, Honduras, Belize, Cozumel, Grand Cayman, Boston, Savannah, Statesboro, Tybee, Atlanta, Macon, Lyons, Griffin. Some old- some new. 14. Check. 

Let's look back at our year in review- the things we did do:

January- Purchased the (absolute dreamed up in my head) wedding dress with my mom

February- I think we went out the night before valentines- and just stayed at home for the love day..but I don't remember. 

March- Had the time of our lives on our bachelor and bachelorette parties- I went to Hilton Head with my girls and Kevin took over ATL. 

April-Something happened this month- but I can't put my finger on it. OH that's right- The New Pope was crowned! Me. We had the most awesome wedding with the most perfect weather and the best of friends there to watch us become united. We took a trip of a lifetime and went on the best vacation cruise ever. Cozumel, Belize, Honduras, and Grand Cayman.

May- The Mr. celebrated his first birthday married (and first birthday with me). Cirque de Soleil was a great gift! As a late present I flew him to Boston for a week and let him have a great time while I was at a conference. We also got to meet up with my host family from Connecticut and have a fabulous Italian dinner with them. 


June & July- we played on the lake as much as we could. My husband tried to teach me how to wakeboard- but it isn't for me. We didn't go to the ER this year- so I count that as a plus. We did bust one tube (well the youth did), but I think they had a blast. We also learned that Papa Pope is a maniac when he drives the boat. It is scarily awesome! We did make a trek to Six Flags with the youth and had a great time. 

August- 29 came for me with a 2nd Annual trip to the beach. My parents and my in-laws (and all of our dogs) rented a condo in Tybee to bring it in. Oh- and I started school at Georgia Southern to take some classes- to determine if I want to pursue a higher degree. We got a free trip to Savannah for work and had a good time hanging out with some of Kevin's old Nighthawk buddies. 

September- Georgia Southern Football game. 

October- We took our annual Halloween picture...And went to a UGA game thanks to some friends. 

November- Kevin got his first buck! 8 pointer. We hosted Thanksgiving for my parents, my aunt, and 2 cousins at our house. I made everything but the turkey and some butter beans and peas. I think it went surprisingly well- I was proud of my spread. Kevin was a great help too. We also took a trip down south and blew up a lot of things (the boys did) and hung out with friends. And we didn't go black Friday shopping. A first for me since I was 15 I believe. 

December- Kevin got his 50th DUI arrest for the year, which is awesome. He will get a MADD pin to add to his collection. He also made a first: DUI arrest on a bike. I completed my 2 classes with an A and a B- which I thought was going to be a C..but am super thankful for the Lord working in on that one. 
8 Months of marriage to round out the year. 

I think we have had an amazing start to the rest of our lives. 2013 was pretty great. Here's to hoping for many more memories together!

The times when

I took a significant break off from blogging. I got really busy with school and investing in my first year of marriage- so although I missed out of writing, I invested in some worthwhile things.

There has been a LOT of negativity surrounding me lately- whether through people who are just plain ugly in their actions or attitudes- or through the pursuing of increased education and it.being.really.hard.- or through the word "fake" manifesting itself in my daily presence- or even through just not having a clue about what to do with life.


And- as much as I sit here and complain about it, I keep telling myself- have you prayed about it as much as you have complained about it. The answer in a nut shell- nope. 

Why do we as Christians- who have a direct line of communication with the Creator of the world- neglect to talk to him- when we can spend hours surrounded by friends at football games, or type hundreds of words in texts to people all over- but can't seem to make time for prayer?

Avoidance. We as humans do it everyday to something we don't want to be around. It might be people who dont live the same lifestyle as us, people who are different- people who have hurt us- or people who think they are better than us; a place that makes us uncomfortable- a food that brings back a bad memory; music, clothes- or sometimes even the things that we know are a temptation for us- we avoid that if we choose to not act out on our flesh. I avoid people, probably that I shouldnt but Im not ready to make nice with; I avoid dessert right now because Im trying to get my act together. Music that sings about things that arent really uplifting- places that really arent a joyfiller- and more of a joykiller. Tv shows that are gory and gruesome- but mainly I avoid my Savior. 


 I share my problems with friends- my sweet husband- and myself, but avoid giving it all up to the Lord.  Knowing that my true friends do care makes my heart a little less heavy, but I sit and think about how much more God cares about me. Way more than I could ever dream or imagine or measure. And yet I still choose to not give him all of the stresses and tell him it is too much.

I feel closest to God when I write out my prayers. Maybe I enjoy writing on here because I feel like God is working in and on me as I get my thoughts out of my head. 

I am reminded of a few songs and verses that encourage me to get it all out and give it to the Lord.
"You never said it would be easy, you only said I'd never go alone"
"Cast all your cares upon him, for he cares for you" (Jeremy Camp)
"Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully." 1 Peter 5:7, Amplified version
 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

Maybe this week I will give it up and get it out. God is the only true problem solver- the infinite answer- and the only peace. 

Maybe it is just me

The conversations that I have with my husband are entirely different than those I have with outside people. 

I wish I had the nerve- gall- balls if you will- to say how I really feel to the outside world. But I think this is where Christ comes in. Lately, I have been much more of a softie than I normally would be. Maybe marriage has changed me. 

Case In Point: Last night at dinner Kevin and I were talking about exes- we dont, well, Kevin doesn't frequent here, but this time he asked the questions. I told him of a story of how I broke up with a boyfriend- and how one time I publicly humiliated him (said boyfriend) in a restaurant. But now as a grown up 29 year old- I see that I was the only one humiliated by my actions. 

I would love to tell people exactly how I really feel. To be that girl again, but it just isn't in me anymore. Like- dress appropriately. "Life appropriately"- not just age. Girls, Nobody wants to see any part of you that should be reserved for your husband- even if you dont have one. Get. It. Together. Just because it fits- or is "in style"- does not mean you should wear it. No matter how good you think you look. 

Or- how about this one: I don't feel the least bit sorry for you- because YOU caused this problem. Whether that be family, friend, or work issues- no one brought this on themselves but you. Insanity has been defined as doing the same thing over and over. Well, friend, acquaintance- nothing changes if nothing changes. I get really frustrated when people ask for prayer and advice- and then go do the same thing that got them in a mess- Or complain about the situation, yet continue to live in it and not take ownership for the part they played in the drama- and expect people to treat them them well.

That is what my flesh wants to say, but something deep inside me muffles that voice and reminds me that I am not the boss, not the advice giver- nor even the one who can have authority. I have had a situation at work where being the supervisor it is my role to "lay the smack down" when students don't do the thing they are supposed to do. I am seemingly caving at this opportunity and not using my time to show my frustration as I thought I would have. I have been forgiving and I have been encouraging. I try and see both sides and come to an agreement. Yesterday I was so mad- I had to wait until the end of the day to express my frustration- but I prayed about it before I delivered my speech- and it went a lot better. 

Nobody cried. Nobody got hurt. (I have been known to make students cry- not something I am proud of)- but today I felt it was handled completely different. I can see that Christ is working in me and on me. Chiseling that hardness away one. hit. at.    a.      time. 

I have to say thank you to the Lord, for his mercy and grace. These are the things he gives me when I don't understand how to deal with people. I can tell you it is one day at a time with one prayer at a time. I am grateful that my mouth is not getting the best of me and make people feel more upset or hurt than they already do. 

I have to remember that the more I want to be like Christ, the more he will change things around in me- only for me to catch a glimpse of his beauty. He whispers- just ignore it or I will work on them, you need to work on yourself. Sometimes he even says- I made that person- do you really think I can't handle them and their antics? Sometimes- a lot of times- he really strongly says to be quiet. I hear the shhhhhhh! real loud.  
So, I choose to sit back and work on my own hard heart so that I might give words of encouragement and build others up. 

Ephesians 4:29

Be The Comeback

In the middle of my vacation I got a text that said "Stop what you are doing...NSYNC is getting back together for the VMAs Sunday".

Can I just tell you that the 15 year old girl in me CAME BACK ALIVE and it took everything I had not to scream out (we were driving)?!

SHUT. THE. FRONT. DOOR. OMG!! OMG!!!- that wasnt even around when they were cool.

Now I am hearing reports that it not going to happen- that all of the members- minus JC- have flown out to see Justin accept his lifetime achievement award and it isn't because we will be seeing them perform together again.

Stop. The. Bus. For real? You are going to play with MILLIONS of girl's hearts like that and tease us for the real comeback we have been waiting 11 years for?

I don't know about you- but I know this would mean more than anything to the 25-35 year old ladies right now. If I could say something to N*SYNC (notice that star is for the true fans)- it would be this:

Every boy band of your time has gotten back together- and not only reignited thousands of WOMEN'S- not girls- Women's hearts and passion for fun pop music- they have recruited THOUSANDS more fans. They have made summer concerts fun again- and made mega bucks in the process.

Boyz II Men. 98 Degrees. Backstreet Boys. Heck- even New Kids on the Block- from way back when of my 90ties childhood. They all came back- and came back swinging.

Dont you think its time? It is time to show ol Biebster how it is really done. Time to say- HEY HEY- then you can leave again.

If you think you are some washed up- has been boy band- think again. Girls, women in their late twenties, STILL make references about you. We play it our weddings- we jam out on our workout playlists- and we still know every dance move to Tearin Up My Heart and Bye Bye Bye. Let me even say you were so cool that guys our age still know the lyrics and dance moves. And still do. Ask my husband.

I am pretty sure that isnt the case with pop music now.

Let me give you some insight as to how obsessed my generation was with you- and keep in mind that YOU were BEFORE Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, blogs, and ANY SOCIAL MEDIA. You had millions of fans follow you- honey I even memorized a limo tag number that was in your first VHS. Did you hear that? WE HAD TAPES OF YOU. DVDs werent event around!

We wore baby blue to all of your concerts- I had TEEN BEAT posters of you on my closet, my ceiling, my locker, my notebooks- oh I even had the N*SYNC pen set. We knew (and probably still do) know your birthdays, your interests, and your hometowns.

Eat eat eat- all day long- eat eat eat while I sing this song- COME ON- you know only die-hards know where that came from!

I can assure you that I wasnt the only girl who waited next to tour busses just for a glimpse of you. We rewound (is that even a word?) the VHS Madison Square Garden of Lance LICKING the floor on Digital Get Down and laughed so hard we cried when the girl falls out of her chair when Justin is singing This I Promise you to her.

We were so shocked when you flew over the crowd for your first tour to Sailing. Come on- no one even remakes classics anymore!

To say we were obsessed is an understatement. We lived for the moments when you were on TRL or any tv or radio show. I even have a cd of just interviews with yall.

And it aint Christmas til we break out the N*SYNC Christmas cd. Seriously- and it plays until midnight December 31st.

The VMAs were the highlight of the end of summer- because we knew we would get to see you perform one last time before school started. 9/9/99- do you even remember that? When you danced on the desks? We do.

You were marionettes. You were locked in padded rooms and straight jackets. You wore cowl neck sweaters in a forest with bubbles. You started hair trends that will never be forgotten. You all have a tattoo in flames of NSYNC.

Come. ON. We want you back. Make the decision tomorrow- because its Friday night. You are Tearing up our hearts keeping us waiting. All the music today really is Dirty Pop. Giddy Up. Lets do this. This I Promise you- your fans never said Bye Bye Bye- and never will. You are the Music of our Hearts and forever we want to be your Girlfriend.

You were awesome- and you have the chance to be that now. Don't disappoint us again- and force us to go through the emotion of being let down to an all time low.

If you would listen

I would say these things:

- Just because "everyone else is doing it or accepting of it" doesn't mean you have to follow suit.
- Teenage love is a very fragile and strange thing. Don't get so caught up in that boy that you miss out on high school.
- Real love is possible- but it happens when God wants it to happen to you. Stop trying to rush it.
- Don't start rumors. Derail that gossip train or jump off of it. Nobody likes to be talked about.
- So many things are going to change from the time you graduate high school til the time you are 25. Pace yourself- do a lot of fun things- and make memories- not regrets.
- Don't live in the "shoulda, coulda, woulda"- live in the I came. I saw. I conquered.
- Be the friend you would like others to be to you.
- Be honest. Talk open. Listen sometimes. And just because you have an opinion, doesnt mean you have to share it all the time. 
- Go out of your way to do something for someone that you don't like. Show them how to love, even if it hurts your pride.
- Give your best- do more than try. 
- Find positive things in life that make you happy- and dedicate time weekly to do them.
- Spend time in the Word. Learn it, recite it, memorize it, hold it dear to your heart. 
- Don't set the example- be it. 
- Learn to let go of things that are not bringing you closer to Christ. Know that everything comes in seasons.
- Sometimes, it is ok to rock the boat. Capsize it even. But be tasteful about it. 
- Be willing to forgive. Holding on to anger only rots YOU from the core. Allow God to provide the healing.
- Stand up for what you believe in, and if you are proven wrong, learn from that experience.
- Money does solve problems as well as create them. It can buy things to make you happy, but also those things will soon make you miserable. 
- Focus on Christ and center your life around him- and everything else will fall in to place. ( Matthew 6:33)

These are the things I would say to me. 

The way it stands

School is starting back this week in our town. Madness is brewing. 
This year- I find myself starting back as well. Georgia Southern here I come! 

I am so excited to be an Eagle- even if it is just online classes right now. I do want to attempt to get a PhD- but right now I will focus on these prerequisites I have to take before starting that program. I am honestly nervous about starting school again. I haven't done this in 4 years! Ahhhhh! Hopefully my transition will be smooth. I do know that one of my dreams is coming true- to go to a school with football. Thanks God! Also- big shout out to K. Pope for pushing me to Ga Southern. I am sure I wouldn't have even considered it had he not mentioned it. 

If regular school is starting- that must mean COLLEGE is starting shortly after. Fall is an exciting time of year for me. I present so many presentations and meet with so many students- I look forward to the newness- the lack of information they have been given- and the excitement they bring to campus.

I am hoping 2013 turns out to be the best college year yet at good ol' GC. I have made lots of plans- signed lots of contracts- and changed the format in a lot of my presentations. Let's hope that planning pays off. 

On another note:
Sometimes I tell Kevin it is really weird to be married. (not that I miss the single life- at all), but it just seems really strange to be able to call his former home my home now as well. Sometimes I don't feel like it is "my" home- because I haven't decorated very much, or there isn't much of "me" in the house. The guest bathroom has been painted sea foam green, so that makes me feel a little better- and there is one canvas picture of us on the wall- but still I find that it is missing elements to make me feel like I live there too. 

Kevin had already picked the paint colors long before I came along- and all of the furniture- minus our bedroom and living room. I do miss that aspect of house hunting when I was single- and dreaming up big plans in my head of how I wanted it to look. I am very blessed to have a man who already had a house, I am grateful for that. And it is a craftsman style house- which I wanted. It is just hard for me to wrap my mind around that I live there too. Sometimes I just feel like my stuff is just "there". 

I am trying to "put a girl in it"- but I find myself struggling to do this. Kevin says we can do whatever I want- so I have decided that paint makes everything look better. Upcoming projects: The master bath (because powder blue isn't that great love) and the laundry room (because I want to be joyful when I have to be in there, and macadamia nut just doesn't do it for me) and staining of the kitchen cabinets. And bath cabinets. 

I am hoping these changes make it "my" home as well. Our home is quite empty when it comes to decorations and pictures. My goal for the rest of the year is to bring in lots of color and accents- and frame up some dang pictures of us- since we have 4 total in the house.

I just want our house to feel like home. It will get there, in due time. 

Things we are afraid of

Our Sunday school lesson this week talked about our fears. We had to go through a list of phobias and match them up with their phobia word.

I am not really scared of crowds, more so the people in the crowds.

I am not scared of the dentist- I actually like going- except when my teeth are sensitive.

I am not afraid of puppets- but creepy costumes and haunted houses freak me out.

I can deal with storms, I just dont like them.

I am not afraid of food, I just refuse to eat, touch, and smell certain ones. Mushrooms, olives, hotdogs, sausage in certain forms, coffee, tea, coke.

I am not afraid of being alone or by myself- sometimes I appreciate that time. I do worry about one day not being married to Kevin because of whatever- but I try not to dwell on it.

I wasnt really afraid of the things on this 10 item list, but I had to sit back and think of what I really am afraid of.

Someone hurting me or my family. That is a big one. I had my headphones in at the grocery store last night (to be alone) and Kevin said that wasn't safe because someone could attack me from behind and I wouldn't hear them. Clearly I wasn't too afraid of that last night- but now I am.
Even someone being mean to my parents doesnt sit well with me. Because my dad is older and doesnt understand this new technology way of life and my mom works in retail with mean customers.

Failure. One of my biggest. At being a noteworthy wife. School with Georgia Southern. My job. Working with the youth. Crafting. One day being a mom who has kids that turn out awful. I try not to spend much time here, but I think about failing.

I dont work so well with bugs. They creep me out and make my skin crawl just talking about them.

Scary movies and I don't mix. Yikes- I really dont like them at all and nightmares and lack of sleep are not something I enjoy. Keep them and the scary people in them away from me.

Some girl ruining my marriage. (I try to avoid thinking that my husband would be the cause of ruining it, because I dont want to think of him like that). Why do people think it is ok to mess up someone else's marriage because they aren't happy in theirs- or they want something that belongs to someone else (if they arent married)? This is probably #1 and I don't know it. Too many of my friend's and people I know through other friend's marriages have fallen apart because of this. It scares me everyday to think that my innocent sweet and top of the world marriage could fall apart because some girl whisks her way in between me and my husband. AHH. It makes me terrified and angry at the same time.

My husbands job brings a lot of sheer terror to my heart, but I choose not to dwell there. Because if I did, he would never be able to leave the house. I know he is in good hands and he is very talented and discerning in his job. I just consider it work like normal and look forward to seeing him come home every day or night.

Jesus says to not be afraid 21 times in the New Testament. That seems like a lot to me. I am going to hold true to his word- that perfect love casts out fear. He is the clear and precise definition of perfect love. I will hold on to Him and his words to not fear or be not afraid. So this week I encourage you to block out your fears and hold on to Christ.

People sometimes

I don't understand people sometimes. How the words that they choose roll out of their mouths so carelessly and to them are perfectly fine- but to me- are so wrong. What happened to think before you speak? Clearly we have lost touch with this virtue.

Just because you the sayer aren't offended by it, doesn't mean the hearer won't be.

Such as people's over-reaction to telling us when to have kids. I'm 100% sure that Kevin and I will be the ones paying for them- so I am really confused as to why some people have to be blatantly rude about telling us about when we should have kids.

I do respect the advice we have been given about enjoying our marriage- and we are. I just don't appreciate people telling me when we should or what we should do before.

Every situation is different. Outsiders don't know our entire family dynamics as to why or when we want to try to have kids. Personally- it should be of no concern to anyone buy my husband and myself.

"You are going to miss out on so much". Let me preface this with- both of us have college degrees, are advanced professionals, and and in careers not jobs. We are starting out much higher than most of the people getting married our age. We do have a lot going for us by ways of God's blessings. And we are very grateful. If you have never read this before, you might not know our story. But our story is so different than anyone else's. We waited a long time to find each other and we moved quick.

I guess I have just been frustrated by the CONSTANT reminder I have been given by people- to wait to have kids. I feel like it is only our business, not the world's.

When we feel the time is right, we will try. Regardless of who tells us to wait or do whatever.

A month of Sundays

Married life update: Team Pope is still doing well and learning boundaries of each other- and not to overstep or crash down someone else's personal space bubble. 

The things Pinterest doesn't teach you:

1. Changing your name legally is a fairly tedious process- it does tell you that -what it doesnt tell you is how many freaking places your name is!!! Geeze I never thought about EVERY place my name could be- but let me tell you it is a widespread arena of various destinations.

2. Laundry multiplies by 5 when you get married. I dont mind "doing" I mind folding. GRRR. The gnashing of teeth that insists when we have to do this! Neither of us like to do it- but we agree to do it together. That helps. 

3. Getting back to the gym AFTER the wedding is REALLY HARD. I have  had lost all motivation- until my husband made a comment about my backside- and my coworker asked if I was wearing tights. Nope these are my work pants. Awesome. Not cool. So- I have made it a few early times this week- motivation is slowly coming back.

4. It is a huge blessing to come home to dinner cooked. Kevin has been chef a couple of times this week since I was at VBS- and it has been SO nice to come home and not have to do anything. It made me realize how precious of an opportunity I have to provide for my husband when he comes home after his crazy schedule. 

5. Finding time to just talk is few and far between when you marry someone in law enforcement. Someone is either sleeping or at work when the other one is gone or when you are home you just need time to decompress and deal with your own things. We have tried to make special date nights away from friends and family so we can just see each other as opposed to in passing. It is fun being married to a Trooper though. Hearing all these stories of the CRAZY people on the highways makes for good conversation. And hearing how many idiots and threats to society my husband got off of the road makes me a proud wife. 

6. Baby fever hits early on- but after hanging out with friend's kids for more than 3 hours- you realize- mmm- I like my freedom and independence I have now. It is nice to go on trips with your spouse and just have to worry about you two. Super nice to go where ever and when ever- just because. In due time. In due time we will be ready- but not now. 

7. There are a lot of gross happenings that occur when and man and woman are married. It is hard to accept- and still love them. Sometimes it is quite comical- other times it literally makes my stomach churn and I get a little sick. Both of us have had to learn to deal with these things. Yuck with a smile. 

8. People expect more out of you now that you are married. More grown up decisions, more commitments, and more opportunities to be voluntold what to do. Sometimes it benefits you to say no and keep your marriage between you and your spouse. 

9. Married life is easy when you realize you are not number 1 anymore. Putting your spouse 1st does not come easy- but it does with practice. Praying for them. Loving them. Doing things for them- and most importantly- saying you are sorry first. Although my way of saying sorry the other night was by ambush and pegging my husband in the head and chest with nerf gun bullets after he tried to come and talk-he got the point. It is super hard to admit you were wrong, but super easy when you realize how much you love your other half and they deserve to be respected too. Dont go to bed mad- it doesnt make for a good morning the next day. I have had to learn that. Give them their space and allow them time to calm down. They will come if you wait. 

10. When you allow your spouse to do the things they love and enjoy- it makes them love you more. Even if it means you don't like doing their hobbies or activities. Kevin likes to do a lot of things that scare me or I think are boring- or are more like work than "hangout" time, but I suck it up and do them with him- or encourage him to do them. You can rest assured my husband has never told me to not go shopping or not spend money on something I wanted to do when I have encouraged him to go play poker or go to wing night- or watched one of his shows with him. There are a lot of things KP does that I could really care less about- but he loves it- and I will encourage my husband all the more to do the things he loves. And he does the same for me. 

Love them like Jesus does

I haven't blogged in a really long time. I had to take a break from social media and regroup- because honestly- some people are just overwhelming and ridiculous.

I am sure I will make a lot of mini posts more than longer ones- because I have a lot rolling around in my head and heart that I need to get out. I guess I could use a journal- but some of it is more relevant for others to hear than for me to just keep it to myself.

My heart broke last night at VBS. The teacher asked the kids if they could share a really sad time in their life and the first kid to raise his hand said "My dad died in the Coast Guard". If that doesnt break your heart- then you are in need of some help.

I had tears well up in my eyes and I know a few of the other ladies did as well. Man I complain so much- and this kid- just broke me down.

I have been SO SICK OF PEOPLE lately. From the pointless and stupid posts- to the teenage love soap operas- and the freaking pictures in the gym- I just was ready to nut up on someone. I took a couple days of break- and it was so nice not to hear about things I could care less about. 

Our culture is now defined by the amount of pictures you can take and amount of hashtags you can use. (I have these accounts too- so I hear myself talking). People- WAKE UP. We are missing out. 

I dont dang care how many times a week you go to the gym- nor do I want to see pictures of that while you are at the gym. Just work out- geeze. We are missing so many opportunities. I'm sure people don't want to see pictures of my dogs either- so I see both sides. The point I am making is we are not using our time wisely.

I have been reminded the past few days how precious time with the Lord is- and how unimportant our selfish desires really are. Kevin and I read the Bible the other night together and it was such a blessing to just sit and listen to hear him read it and us talk about it. 

God has been trying to teach me the art of learning to keep my mouth shut. And I have- for the most part. I have stayed away from people- I have hidden people on my feeds- I have not given my opinion even when it burned inside of me to correct people's ignorance- but the one thing I have yet to do- is pray about it as much as I get mad about it. God has also been trying to teach me to love others like he does. 

My husband gave me a firm reminder last night about "making fun" of people. I thought I was just stating a "fact" and he said different. 

It is so hard to love people. I have written about that before- but God needs to apparently teach me again because I didnt get it the first time. People frustrate us- let us down- lie to us- overwhelm and neglect us. But the one thing we can do is love them like Jesus did. Just love them- even if you can't bring yourself to like them. Pray for them- pray for blessings for them. Be real- and nice to them- even when it hurts you or your pride.  

Funny- one of our VBS verses this week is "Encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing". (1 Thess 5:11)- God help me to set out to be "doing". 

I Won't Give Up

If you read that last post, know that this one goes along with it.

A few people who attended our wedding asked for our vows. I asked my husband and he said I could share them with you.

We decided to do an "untraditional" wedding- so there were a lot of things we left out- because we just didn't see the point of doing them.

We didn't do a unity candle, sand etc. We didn't say traditional vows. I didn't do a traditional white cake. No songs being sung during the wedding.

We did it how we wanted, and that is my best advice- do it the way you want- because you should be thinking this is your only shot to have it done the way you see your dreams play out.

With that, I give you our vows. These are our own, inspired by God, and taken directly from our pre- marital counseling sessions. I would encourage you to write your own, and not plagiarize.

I, Kevin, take thee Rachel, to be my wife. I promise to love you and honor you as Christ does the church. I promise to lead our family as head of our home. I promise to never take you for granted and to love you more each and every day than I did the last. I promise to always put you first in my life and to protect you with my life. Through good times and troubling times, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer until we depart from the earth.

(Mine are a lot longer, but I had a lot to say! {surprise surprise})

I, Rachel, take you Kevin, to be my husband. I submit myself unto you to allow you to lead our family in the role God has ordained for you. I vow to respect you with my words- my actions- and my attitude when I am with you or apart from you. I promise to listen to you, encourage and pray for you. I will stand by you when we are faced with hardships and in moments of celebrations, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. I won't give up on us. I commit myself to you and only you and promise to honor you with faithfulness, time, and love until our time on earth is complete. 

Someone you know needs to hear this

I'm just going to say it. A lot of friends and people we know are going through the process of  the "d" word.  It is really overwhelming for me as a newlywed to see so many marriages around me failing. Kevin and I sat at dinner the other night and prayed specifically for 3 sets of couples that we know. 

Some of these- oh a "d" word is the best thing for them. No one deserves to be slapped around, yelled at and cornered- or lied to and continually put down. There is no place for any of that in a marriage.

Relationships that are strained need 3 things- in my personal opinion. I know that I am not a Counselor, but I do know that these have been essential to us during our engagement, and even more so now that we are married.

Communication- If you don't talk about it- the person doesn't know about it. Allow time to talk- openly and freely and learn to understand that words can truly determine how the rest of the day is going to go. Be a Barnabas- and encourage each other. Use words to build them up and not tear them down. (Ephesians 4:29)
Use the utensil model to determine what kind of person you want to be. A knife, a fork or a spoon. A knife is used to tear apart things. Are the words and actions you choose tearing people apart and ruining them? A fork pierces and pokes. Are you continually playing on weaknesses and poking fun or making them feel like less of a person? Forks also have holes. Are you choosing to allow somethings to disappear in your life that you don't want the other to know about? Or do you choose to be the spoon? Spoons cradle and support. Spoons are the only utensil that can be used to scrape up the pieces and put them all together. Are you supporting your significant other and always there for them- using words and actions that hold them together?

Forgiveness- If you are a christian, then you should know the whole premise of our faith is built on forgiveness. Christ did the ultimate forgiveness and took on our shame and sins- and gave us new life. We should find it in our hearts to learn to look to the cross and model forgiveness after Christ. Forgiveness is NOT EASY. If it was easy, man the world be be a better place. I would encourage those who are hurt from others to seek out christian counseling so you can learn to forgive. Harboring bitterness doesn't hurt the person you are mad with- it hurts you and only you. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially.

 I am a true testament that once you allow forgiveness to flow through, you can be made new again. Take my last year for example. I was so angry and hurt that I lost a lot of weight, had my hair start falling out and made my iron bottom out- as well as my credit card debt was significantly increased. Once I came to terms with my life- and forgave- I started to get better- and I have no credit card debt anymore. It is hard- but it is so worth it. Only God can create this peace in you- don't look for it any where than in the arms of Christ.

Restoration- This part is hard too. This is a process and will take an undetermined amount of time for each person. It is vital to any part of healing you want to take part in. Know this: Just as only we can learn forgiveness from Jesus, we can only be restored by God. Nothing else on this earth can fill this void. We can fill it with doughnuts- or the gym. You can put other people in there to "fix" you- or you can shut out the world. You can also give up- or you can give in. No matter what  earthly thing you choose- the only way you can be restored is through God working in and out of you.

 If your relationship is failing- (and more so to the account that you/your other said "I just don't love you anymore) I would encourage you to get in the Word, pray often, seek out christian counseling- and to participate in The Love Dare. It is a book that goes along with the movie, Fireproof. If you have never seen it, you need to watch it. The Love Dare challenges all things society says about "Imma do Me" and teaches you how to put your significant other before your needs and wants.
Even if your relationship isn't failing, you need to see this movie.

God can and will take all of the brokenness and hurt- the shame and the lies- the moments of desperation and the moments of defeat- and turn it into something beautiful. It may not come as quickly as you want, but if you hold on to the promise that God is faithful to those who call out to him and believe in his son- he is and will be at work around you. Ecclesiastes 3:11- He has made everything beautiful in its time. Your time is coming- turn it over to God and allow him to start the healing process.

As I close, know that I am not judging you for your situation. I would welcome any opportunity to pray for and encourage you if you wanted it. If you need more of a pick-me up than my humble words, I hope you listen to these songs and find some strength and peace. 

How the times change

Has it really been over a month- my gosh almost 2 months since I have written? :( I plan to try and keep up. I have time now and my thought process isn't consumed by planning a one day event.

People keep asking- "how is married life?". Um- it is awesome. For real. I never thought it would make me feel this way. Really crazy and really awesome at the same time. I am super thankful to be able to wake up to the one person who wants to spend the rest of his life with me. 

Let's talk about the wedding for a minute. I just need to say thank you again God for showing out with the weather. 

I had been praying about the weather since November- right after we got engaged. I texted my bridesmaids the week before the wedding in tears because terrible weather was headed our way. They all said it was going to be fine. I began to frantically panic about having the wedding in the church. Not that our church isn't beautiful- but that was not my dream wedding. Not what I saw play out in my mind. Also- not something I had budgeted money for! 

But through God's grace and some awesome praying friends- we had the most beautiful weather. It rained Friday and poured Sunday- but God heard the cry of my heart and provided for Saturday. It was a BEAUTIFUL DAY. 

People kept telling me- at the end of the day you will be the only one who notices what went wrong- and you will still be married. Maybe that is a coping mechanism for people who don't like to rock the boat or those who truly can accept things going bad. Not the case for me. 

I thought I planned for everything- but alas super bride failed! With signs, with ice cream, with presents, ...with a lot of other things... but in the end- we still had an amazing wedding and we still had an awesome reception. 

As I sit here and try to remember all the things that went wrong, I honestly have to laugh at how petty they are. Now- some were a big to-do, but involved people not things-but for the most part- everything still was fine. 

I still think it is crazy that we are ma--rrr--ieed. It just blows my mind when I sit and think about my life before Kevin. We are truly blessed and very grateful God set this divine appointment up for us. 

Planning a wedding was fun. I really did enjoy seeing my thoughts and plans come together. From the colors to the decorations to the food- it was really cool to experience making big decisions and then see them all- and how perfect each piece fit together. 

Now, my hope now is to invest as much time in my MARRIAGE as I did for the wedding- and let me just say that bad boy was well thought of. I was fortunate to be able to see past the wedding and realize the type of commitment I was making. I meant my vows when I said them- that I would listen to and pray for and encourage my husband. And that I am in this for life. 

So- check back again soon and see what lessons God is teaching me through marriage. 

40 day mark

We are 40 days away from the big show. From my last name changing. From all this effort being played out. From becoming a little family. 

Where has the time gone? Seems like just yesterday Kevin and I were on our first date. Little did I know that was just the beginning of the rest of our lives. 

We are in premarital counseling with our preacher who is conducting the wedding. It has been interesting and sometimes frustrating to hear what the other one has to say. We both have learned a lot and make references to those sessions a lot. We had to take a long test online to determine a lot of things- and we scored 100 on a lot of them. Apparently this doesn't happen a lot. We know we have a special relationship that is very different from most of the people getting married these days.

We also had to list our stress level from wedding planning. At the time- I was pretty ok- and my scores reflected a 10 stress level. Kevin's was a 20. In our session Saturday he asked me if I lied on the test because apparently that is not the case now. He said the bulk of his stress comes from me stressing him out about the things I am stressed about. Seems to have gotten a lot more intense since we took that test. 

I don't really think I am stressed so much about the wedding part- I am stressed about the things I can't control. Parking. Weather. Guest list. Those would be the three things I just wish would fall into place. 

Everyone keeps asking me are you getting excited? And I am excited about marrying the love of my life- I just am not at that pure excitement stage. That stage where you get to the point where you don't care anymore about the details and just focus on why you are getting married. People keep saying that at the end of the day we will be married and that is all that matters. I understand that- but that is not anything remotely close to how I see the day playing out. 

I have already planned to expect everything to not go as planned- but I just want to have a special day where everyone gets along, the weather is nice, and the party is worth remembering. 

I have completed a lot of tasks- we have had vendors booked since a week after getting engaged. I have made all of the major decorations but one last thing- hopefully we get that done this week. All my maids have dresses and shoes. The groomsmen's suits will be in soon. My dress ships this week. The table runners are almost done. Showers start this week. Honeymoon got booked last week. I ordered Kevin's wedding band Friday. My fitness routine has picked up. We are making purchases together for our home. 

Life is happening all around us. Sometimes I think this isn't real and my world is just going to stop all of a sudden. I know it isnt going to, but I still have that thought in the back of my head. 

We are getting ready to enter into one of the most sacred covenants and I want our hearts to be in the right place. Not in the ribbon and lights- not in the vanilla cupcakes vs chocolate cupcakes- not even in honeymoon part. I want our hearts to be reflective of Christ and his great love for us. How we can fill those roles and responsibilities to honor God and the one that he has called us to spend the rest of our lives with. How we can choose to build up our other half and encourage them to walk closer with the Lord. 

So, if you are reading this, pray for these last days leading up to the changing of our lives. Pray for peace, direction, stress reduction, and just safety and health over our families and friends.

The everyday leading to more

Last night while literally only having my nose above the bubbles- I came to some conclusions about life. 

I went to that tub to try and see if I could just get away- but the funny thing is- that is where I have the most enlightenments. I just let the jets run and run and- then before I knew it- there was a mile high mountain of bubbles around me. 

Things I thought about while in there: (besides that it was too hot and lacking air flow)

You need a shovel for life. A shovel to dig out the things that don't need to be there. A shovel to get rid of all the crap you may have been dealing with. My history teacher, Dr. George (Dr. G) at JHA would always get his imaginary shovel out when we would start complaining about tests and quizzes. Our class must have had him wrapped around our deceitful fingers- because we postponed everything- even the final exams. He knew we were full of crap- and would just shovel the air away. Quite comical at the time- but so relevant to my life right now. 

People who really don't have your best interest at heart are like a bubble bath. Nice and pretty- then gone. You can blow them away and they don't return. But if you really think about it, they really don't provide anything but a moment. No safety- no cushioning- just a round circle of liquid. Use your shovel to help get rid of some of these people in your life. Though bubbles are nice at the time they are surrounding you- but don't you want to surround yourself with things/people that last?

Lotion smooths out the rough places on your ashy body. Maybe you aren't ashy- but you could be. In life we need to be reminded to put this on when we say or do things that cause a little tension or roughness between others. This week just hasn't been my week. I have snapped on 2 students and one coworker and just really wasn't my nicest self to my director. Kevin has caught a lot of attitude too. And I have not been the nicest to my parents either. To really think about it- I haven't been pleasant at all this week.  I could blame that on a lot of things- but the truth is- it's just me. Nothing else. Sometimes you have to apologize and admit your faults. It is really hard to do, but better for you in the end. 

Doors may be open to new opportunities, but windows give the soul rest.  Windows allow you to see things from a different perspective- and if you want something to change- then you walk through the door. The window is the spark to get the door to open. My office has no windows- so it really stinks being in a complete glass building with no point of view but asylum gray and blue walls. Remind yourself to look out the windows more often. Open the blinds and let the light shine in. 

After almost melting away and fainting from the too-thought-provoking-bubble bath- I stumbled to the couch to be reminded not everyone has a nice landing place when they mess up. 

I know where I can go and I know who I can talk to when the lemons of life get pelted my way.  Sometimes it doesn't feel like lemons- more like grenades- but none the less- I know where to find my comfort. With my hands up and tear filled eyes- I turn to the most Holy. I know a lot of people don't have this safety net or comforting place to rest in, and it burdens my soul to know that they don't experience the peace I do when all of life's frustrations are too much. 

I struggle all to often to be- and sometimes- I have to be reminded that life is hard- you will mess up- you can't give in. So even though this might seem like the strangest post- I know that in order to be made better, I have to be broken down. I also know that in my weakness, Christ's strength is made perfect. 

Get down your shovels, open your windows, and put on your lotion. We have work to do.