Maybe it is just me

The conversations that I have with my husband are entirely different than those I have with outside people. 

I wish I had the nerve- gall- balls if you will- to say how I really feel to the outside world. But I think this is where Christ comes in. Lately, I have been much more of a softie than I normally would be. Maybe marriage has changed me. 

Case In Point: Last night at dinner Kevin and I were talking about exes- we dont, well, Kevin doesn't frequent here, but this time he asked the questions. I told him of a story of how I broke up with a boyfriend- and how one time I publicly humiliated him (said boyfriend) in a restaurant. But now as a grown up 29 year old- I see that I was the only one humiliated by my actions. 

I would love to tell people exactly how I really feel. To be that girl again, but it just isn't in me anymore. Like- dress appropriately. "Life appropriately"- not just age. Girls, Nobody wants to see any part of you that should be reserved for your husband- even if you dont have one. Get. It. Together. Just because it fits- or is "in style"- does not mean you should wear it. No matter how good you think you look. 

Or- how about this one: I don't feel the least bit sorry for you- because YOU caused this problem. Whether that be family, friend, or work issues- no one brought this on themselves but you. Insanity has been defined as doing the same thing over and over. Well, friend, acquaintance- nothing changes if nothing changes. I get really frustrated when people ask for prayer and advice- and then go do the same thing that got them in a mess- Or complain about the situation, yet continue to live in it and not take ownership for the part they played in the drama- and expect people to treat them them well.

That is what my flesh wants to say, but something deep inside me muffles that voice and reminds me that I am not the boss, not the advice giver- nor even the one who can have authority. I have had a situation at work where being the supervisor it is my role to "lay the smack down" when students don't do the thing they are supposed to do. I am seemingly caving at this opportunity and not using my time to show my frustration as I thought I would have. I have been forgiving and I have been encouraging. I try and see both sides and come to an agreement. Yesterday I was so mad- I had to wait until the end of the day to express my frustration- but I prayed about it before I delivered my speech- and it went a lot better. 

Nobody cried. Nobody got hurt. (I have been known to make students cry- not something I am proud of)- but today I felt it was handled completely different. I can see that Christ is working in me and on me. Chiseling that hardness away one. hit. at.    a.      time. 

I have to say thank you to the Lord, for his mercy and grace. These are the things he gives me when I don't understand how to deal with people. I can tell you it is one day at a time with one prayer at a time. I am grateful that my mouth is not getting the best of me and make people feel more upset or hurt than they already do. 

I have to remember that the more I want to be like Christ, the more he will change things around in me- only for me to catch a glimpse of his beauty. He whispers- just ignore it or I will work on them, you need to work on yourself. Sometimes he even says- I made that person- do you really think I can't handle them and their antics? Sometimes- a lot of times- he really strongly says to be quiet. I hear the shhhhhhh! real loud.  
So, I choose to sit back and work on my own hard heart so that I might give words of encouragement and build others up. 

Ephesians 4:29

People sometimes

I don't understand people sometimes. How the words that they choose roll out of their mouths so carelessly and to them are perfectly fine- but to me- are so wrong. What happened to think before you speak? Clearly we have lost touch with this virtue.

Just because you the sayer aren't offended by it, doesn't mean the hearer won't be.

Such as people's over-reaction to telling us when to have kids. I'm 100% sure that Kevin and I will be the ones paying for them- so I am really confused as to why some people have to be blatantly rude about telling us about when we should have kids.

I do respect the advice we have been given about enjoying our marriage- and we are. I just don't appreciate people telling me when we should or what we should do before.

Every situation is different. Outsiders don't know our entire family dynamics as to why or when we want to try to have kids. Personally- it should be of no concern to anyone buy my husband and myself.

"You are going to miss out on so much". Let me preface this with- both of us have college degrees, are advanced professionals, and and in careers not jobs. We are starting out much higher than most of the people getting married our age. We do have a lot going for us by ways of God's blessings. And we are very grateful. If you have never read this before, you might not know our story. But our story is so different than anyone else's. We waited a long time to find each other and we moved quick.

I guess I have just been frustrated by the CONSTANT reminder I have been given by people- to wait to have kids. I feel like it is only our business, not the world's.

When we feel the time is right, we will try. Regardless of who tells us to wait or do whatever.

A month of Sundays

Married life update: Team Pope is still doing well and learning boundaries of each other- and not to overstep or crash down someone else's personal space bubble. 

The things Pinterest doesn't teach you:

1. Changing your name legally is a fairly tedious process- it does tell you that -what it doesnt tell you is how many freaking places your name is!!! Geeze I never thought about EVERY place my name could be- but let me tell you it is a widespread arena of various destinations.

2. Laundry multiplies by 5 when you get married. I dont mind "doing" I mind folding. GRRR. The gnashing of teeth that insists when we have to do this! Neither of us like to do it- but we agree to do it together. That helps. 

3. Getting back to the gym AFTER the wedding is REALLY HARD. I have  had lost all motivation- until my husband made a comment about my backside- and my coworker asked if I was wearing tights. Nope these are my work pants. Awesome. Not cool. So- I have made it a few early times this week- motivation is slowly coming back.

4. It is a huge blessing to come home to dinner cooked. Kevin has been chef a couple of times this week since I was at VBS- and it has been SO nice to come home and not have to do anything. It made me realize how precious of an opportunity I have to provide for my husband when he comes home after his crazy schedule. 

5. Finding time to just talk is few and far between when you marry someone in law enforcement. Someone is either sleeping or at work when the other one is gone or when you are home you just need time to decompress and deal with your own things. We have tried to make special date nights away from friends and family so we can just see each other as opposed to in passing. It is fun being married to a Trooper though. Hearing all these stories of the CRAZY people on the highways makes for good conversation. And hearing how many idiots and threats to society my husband got off of the road makes me a proud wife. 

6. Baby fever hits early on- but after hanging out with friend's kids for more than 3 hours- you realize- mmm- I like my freedom and independence I have now. It is nice to go on trips with your spouse and just have to worry about you two. Super nice to go where ever and when ever- just because. In due time. In due time we will be ready- but not now. 

7. There are a lot of gross happenings that occur when and man and woman are married. It is hard to accept- and still love them. Sometimes it is quite comical- other times it literally makes my stomach churn and I get a little sick. Both of us have had to learn to deal with these things. Yuck with a smile. 

8. People expect more out of you now that you are married. More grown up decisions, more commitments, and more opportunities to be voluntold what to do. Sometimes it benefits you to say no and keep your marriage between you and your spouse. 

9. Married life is easy when you realize you are not number 1 anymore. Putting your spouse 1st does not come easy- but it does with practice. Praying for them. Loving them. Doing things for them- and most importantly- saying you are sorry first. Although my way of saying sorry the other night was by ambush and pegging my husband in the head and chest with nerf gun bullets after he tried to come and talk-he got the point. It is super hard to admit you were wrong, but super easy when you realize how much you love your other half and they deserve to be respected too. Dont go to bed mad- it doesnt make for a good morning the next day. I have had to learn that. Give them their space and allow them time to calm down. They will come if you wait. 

10. When you allow your spouse to do the things they love and enjoy- it makes them love you more. Even if it means you don't like doing their hobbies or activities. Kevin likes to do a lot of things that scare me or I think are boring- or are more like work than "hangout" time, but I suck it up and do them with him- or encourage him to do them. You can rest assured my husband has never told me to not go shopping or not spend money on something I wanted to do when I have encouraged him to go play poker or go to wing night- or watched one of his shows with him. There are a lot of things KP does that I could really care less about- but he loves it- and I will encourage my husband all the more to do the things he loves. And he does the same for me.