Maybe it is just me

The conversations that I have with my husband are entirely different than those I have with outside people. 

I wish I had the nerve- gall- balls if you will- to say how I really feel to the outside world. But I think this is where Christ comes in. Lately, I have been much more of a softie than I normally would be. Maybe marriage has changed me. 

Case In Point: Last night at dinner Kevin and I were talking about exes- we dont, well, Kevin doesn't frequent here, but this time he asked the questions. I told him of a story of how I broke up with a boyfriend- and how one time I publicly humiliated him (said boyfriend) in a restaurant. But now as a grown up 29 year old- I see that I was the only one humiliated by my actions. 

I would love to tell people exactly how I really feel. To be that girl again, but it just isn't in me anymore. Like- dress appropriately. "Life appropriately"- not just age. Girls, Nobody wants to see any part of you that should be reserved for your husband- even if you dont have one. Get. It. Together. Just because it fits- or is "in style"- does not mean you should wear it. No matter how good you think you look. 

Or- how about this one: I don't feel the least bit sorry for you- because YOU caused this problem. Whether that be family, friend, or work issues- no one brought this on themselves but you. Insanity has been defined as doing the same thing over and over. Well, friend, acquaintance- nothing changes if nothing changes. I get really frustrated when people ask for prayer and advice- and then go do the same thing that got them in a mess- Or complain about the situation, yet continue to live in it and not take ownership for the part they played in the drama- and expect people to treat them them well.

That is what my flesh wants to say, but something deep inside me muffles that voice and reminds me that I am not the boss, not the advice giver- nor even the one who can have authority. I have had a situation at work where being the supervisor it is my role to "lay the smack down" when students don't do the thing they are supposed to do. I am seemingly caving at this opportunity and not using my time to show my frustration as I thought I would have. I have been forgiving and I have been encouraging. I try and see both sides and come to an agreement. Yesterday I was so mad- I had to wait until the end of the day to express my frustration- but I prayed about it before I delivered my speech- and it went a lot better. 

Nobody cried. Nobody got hurt. (I have been known to make students cry- not something I am proud of)- but today I felt it was handled completely different. I can see that Christ is working in me and on me. Chiseling that hardness away one. hit. at.    a.      time. 

I have to say thank you to the Lord, for his mercy and grace. These are the things he gives me when I don't understand how to deal with people. I can tell you it is one day at a time with one prayer at a time. I am grateful that my mouth is not getting the best of me and make people feel more upset or hurt than they already do. 

I have to remember that the more I want to be like Christ, the more he will change things around in me- only for me to catch a glimpse of his beauty. He whispers- just ignore it or I will work on them, you need to work on yourself. Sometimes he even says- I made that person- do you really think I can't handle them and their antics? Sometimes- a lot of times- he really strongly says to be quiet. I hear the shhhhhhh! real loud.  
So, I choose to sit back and work on my own hard heart so that I might give words of encouragement and build others up. 

Ephesians 4:29