The conversations that I have with my husband are entirely different than those I have with outside people.
I wish I had the nerve- gall- balls if you will- to say how I really feel to the outside world. But I think this is where Christ comes in. Lately, I have been much more of a softie than I normally would be. Maybe marriage has changed me.
Case In Point: Last night at dinner Kevin and I were talking about exes- we dont, well, Kevin doesn't frequent here, but this time he asked the questions. I told him of a story of how I broke up with a boyfriend- and how one time I publicly humiliated him (said boyfriend) in a restaurant. But now as a grown up 29 year old- I see that I was the only one humiliated by my actions.
I would love to tell people exactly how I really feel. To be that girl again, but it just isn't in me anymore. Like- dress appropriately. "Life appropriately"- not just age. Girls, Nobody wants to see any part of you that should be reserved for your husband- even if you dont have one. Get. It. Together. Just because it fits- or is "in style"- does not mean you should wear it. No matter how good you think you look.
Or- how about this one: I don't feel the least bit sorry for you- because YOU caused this problem. Whether that be family, friend, or work issues- no one brought this on themselves but you. Insanity has been defined as doing the same thing over and over. Well, friend, acquaintance- nothing changes if nothing changes. I get really frustrated when people ask for prayer and advice- and then go do the same thing that got them in a mess- Or complain about the situation, yet continue to live in it and not take ownership for the part they played in the drama- and expect people to treat them them well.
That is what my flesh wants to say, but something deep inside me muffles that voice and reminds me that I am not the boss, not the advice giver- nor even the one who can have authority. I have had a situation at work where being the supervisor it is my role to "lay the smack down" when students don't do the thing they are supposed to do. I am seemingly caving at this opportunity and not using my time to show my frustration as I thought I would have. I have been forgiving and I have been encouraging. I try and see both sides and come to an agreement. Yesterday I was so mad- I had to wait until the end of the day to express my frustration- but I prayed about it before I delivered my speech- and it went a lot better.
Nobody cried. Nobody got hurt. (I have been known to make students cry- not something I am proud of)- but today I felt it was handled completely different. I can see that Christ is working in me and on me. Chiseling that hardness away one. hit. at. a. time.
I have to say thank you to the Lord, for his mercy and grace. These are the things he gives me when I don't understand how to deal with people. I can tell you it is one day at a time with one prayer at a time. I am grateful that my mouth is not getting the best of me and make people feel more upset or hurt than they already do.
I have to remember that the more I want to be like Christ, the more he will change things around in me- only for me to catch a glimpse of his beauty. He whispers- just ignore it or I will work on them, you need to work on yourself. Sometimes he even says- I made that person- do you really think I can't handle them and their antics? Sometimes- a lot of times- he really strongly says to be quiet. I hear the shhhhhhh! real loud.
So, I choose to sit back and work on my own hard heart so that I might give words of encouragement and build others up.
Ephesians 4:29
I know some of you are sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for a blog about my recent family vacation. Hold on to your britches, it will be posted after this one. I just felt the need to talk about this first- and I need to get my pictures in order for the other blog.
What would your answer be to the question "Do you pray for people?" Hold on- before you are quick to pull the trigger with a "of course I do, I pray for people all the time"- really think about who you are praying for. In the wake of this movie massacre in Aurora Colorado, I have found myself praying for people a lot differently than I normally pray. My heart goes out to this community and all of the people involved. I tear up every time one of the family members of the deceased speaks on tv. My prayers have been specific- and included someone I wouldn't normally have initially prayed for. The shooter/killer. I have prayed that somehow through all of this- he would be the first to find Jesus. That isnt me folks- trust me. God has brought me so far in the past few years to really learn about who He is and why everyone EVERYone needs Him.
When I try and wrap my mind around why this person would do such an awful thing- I am quickly reminded that everyone, despite the sin, needs forgiveness and needs to know that a Savior loves them more than anything. I dont know his "motive", but I do know that his heart was hardened and his mind was controlled by the enemy. That is why it happened. Satan's lies filled his head and it got to the point where he believed it. Oh my heart hurts for these people in Colorado. To the families burrying their young 20 year olds who were just coming into the peak of their lives to the sweet little 1st grader who was really just starting that innocent time period of her childhood- to the servicemen who volunteered to defend this country's and my individual freedom who never thought their battlefield would be a movie theater and not a foreign country- to the sweet guy who was going to celebrate his 1 year anniversary on Sunday- and to the rest of the lost- my heart is at a loss for words for these families.
I have prayed for these people that God would bring comfort and healing quickly. I have prayed for this strange and delussional killer, that God would have mercy on his soul- and that this guy would find grace and forgiveness.
I searched "thankful" on biblegateway.com this morning, because I have a lot to be thankful for- and sometimes I dont give God the glory for it. My heart is thankful, but my actions dont add up to that. Those secret sins get me everytime. Oh I pray over them- but for some reason- I give in again. This morning the verse I found was very profound.
First of all, I ask you to pray for everyone. Ask God to help and bless them all, and tell God how thankful you are for each of them. Pray for kings and others in power, so that we may live quiet and peaceful lives as we worship and honor God. This kind of prayer is good, and it pleases God our Savior. (1 Timothy 2:1-3 CEV)
Oh the sting of conviction. Everyone. Ask God to help & bless them all. (help him?- yes- he does need help but I think it is a little too late. blessings- you are kidding right?) not some of them, not the ones we like- all of them- including people who do wrong to us and others) How thankful you are for them (God I am not thankful for this right now- really?). Pray for kings and others in power (so often I put down our President and others in authority because their agenda doesnt match up with my beliefs- yet here I am commanded to pray for them). This prayer is good- pleases God. (How so it must bless God when we humble ourselves and pray for people that we don't necessarily like or agree with- what a true testament of a firm believer that grace is abounding and the more we share it, the more we are pleasing God).
I hope that when you read those verses you feel the same sting I felt. The conviction that you need to pray for people- and the people who we deem as not human. Pray for people. Really really pray for them- and not just a mention of their name to God- a deep prayer for blessings for them- even when we think they deserve a whole lot less. You and I don't deserve help or blessings- but God sees fit to show us mercy anyway (YET while we were still sinners..). Thankfully- you and I arent in the blessing business- because we would've went under a long time ago.
