A Little more hurt- A lot less me

Whirlwind. That is how I feel right now. Like so much is going on, but truth be told, nothing is happening.

I decided I needed a break. A mental health break from everything. So- Thursday I took myself to Chickfila in my pjs to get free dinner, took myself to the movies at 11:30 (thanks for the free ticket Campbell), bought peanut butter m&ms, and watched The Avengers with a friend. Then Friday- I got up- drove to Macon, and spent some time and money on myself. New clothes always make me feel good, even if my wallet has to suffer. I got a free robe and some free perfume, so that helped too. And I fit in a size 0. Did you see that? No 1's in front of the zero. No other digits besides it. Just a simple oval. That helped a bit too. (Although, I didn't buy it, because it wasn't as good of a sale as I needed).

I made an awesome PBB&J (pnut butter, banana, jelly) sandwich when I got home. Spent a few minutes with my little black girl.

THEN. I switched my day off focus of me- to someone else. I don't know why I keep doing this- it only makes things worse. Let me include someone else. Let me do this with that person. Let me go invite this person. Urgh.

So the whole point of Friday was to make me feel better about myself- and then I go and mess it up worrying about other people. People that don't worry about me, but only need me in their life when it is uber convenient to them.

Why do I keep doing this? Why can't I just let go of some people and some things in my life that only seem to be creating more harm?

Why do I have this plan of how things should be  how I want them to be, only to be disappointed and let down one more time after the other? If the secret to life is being happy- man oh man- I have messed this up yet again. I can't be happy because I worry about things and people that don't reciprocate those feelings. It is hard to truly be disconnected from people that you once thought so highly of and cared so much for. I don't know why I can't just get on with my life, but I can't.

The crying comes in bits and pieces now. Not as intense of an ugly cry face, but just as heartbreaking on the inside. It won't end. It won't ever go away.

A dear friend told me the other night as I was pouring out my broken heart to him that just because I am not having problems like other people doesn't mean that it isn't important. It is important if I am going through it. He told me that every person's problems are all different from each other's and they matter regardless of if they are big or small, they still matter. I shouldn't compare my situation to other's and negate what I am going though, because it is what I am going through at this time in my life.

I don't know who I am anymore. I hear what other's say about me and I wonder if that is who I really am- a  horrible person who only messes up things and relationships, dramatic, helpless, hopeless and not worth it. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know if I ever did. All I know is all of this is stripping away my identity. I am not who I was- I am not who I wanted to be. I don't know how to find her. I am at a fork in the road. in the middle of Spaghetti Junction in the middle of the highway with everything coming at me and no one riding in the HOV to take off some of the stress.