It happens in a blink

From where I was to what I am- by far this has been one of the most emotional years of my life. I am not sure what to make of it. I think I am ok, then I am slowly reminded when I am alone that I am not.

I saw a good friend and coworker of mine yesterday while I was walking Mowgli, a different route, another divine appointment. We talked about work, life, and Easter. Jamaal has always been a great friend of mine and I know he is a genuine friend who truly cares about me. We caught up for a few minutes then he headed in for his night shift with Public Safety. I sweated it out and walked all over downtown Milledgeville.

I took the key out of my shoe to open my door once I got home, and up pulls Jamaal in his cop car. We talk a little while, not even 6 minutes. He tells me he is sorry, because he feels like I have been disappointed by him, and I tell him that I haven't. I tell him all about the past weeks events and how I am just so confused, and he just reminds me to stay in prayer. It is at this moment a tear streams down my left cheek and I hastily wipe it away so there won't be more. Only true friends can remind you of this, because they understand they don't have or know the words to tell you for your situation, but they understand that never losing communication with God is the only answer to all of your problems. Jammal left and went back to patrol; I went inside and sat at the bottom of my stairwell and cried.

Muffled sobs and eyes overwhelmed. I do not even know where or what this was from, but I just know it hurt. I sat there 10 minutes just crying. Sobbing, with my face in my hands, coming up every now and again for a real breath.

I forced myself to continue working out. My walk had just lasted about an hour- though it doesn't seem like much, it was all uphill and long and hot. I did a butt (weird typing that) back and biceps workout for another 45 minutes. I then made myself dinner: pork zucchini tacos and 3 strawberries with caramel cream. Then showered, did some computer time, then headed upstairs to blow dry my hair.

And it happened again. Do you know how hard it is to blow dry your hair and cry at the same time? It kinda defeats the purpose. My face was wrenched in a particularly ugly way, and my hair was as big as Texas. After I finished drying my Marge Simpson hair, I got in the bed and just laid there and cried some more. I can't explain this, no matter how hard I try. Something was tugging on my heart, and I don't know why it bothered me to this point. I read my friend's blog about her insomnia and I desperately wished that was my problem, that I had to much going on in my mind to wind down, instead of too much going on in my heart. I laid my head on one pillow in the middle of the bed and pulled the other pillow over my face, and just cried it out until I finally got control of my breathing and fell asleep.

 I don't understand, I don't feel ok, and I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. If answers weren't like searching for a needle in a haystack, I might find some comfort and resolution. I am certainly hoping that the "more" I am looking for, shows up soon. And if it doesn't, my hearts prayer is that God reveals his perfect purpose to me.