In the Middle of My Madness

Yesterday evening I went and visited my parents. I don't spend near as much time as I should with them, so I decided just to go hang out for a while. My dad and I talked about a few things, then I went and watched the news. I was quickly reminded why I quit watching the news; there was nothing positive on it. My heart broke for the civilians killed in Afghanistan by the deranged American soldier. The conflict in Syria is overwhelming. So as I sat and watched, I fell asleep. When I woke up, apparently the demons of desperation did too. I went to talk to my deddy and then the flood gates opened.

I cried relentlessly about my life and everything in it. I desperately want to have my own place- and not live around drunk loud college students. I am sick of looking and nothing ever working out. Then my deddy tells me I can't afford a house. Well awesome. So, all these time the past 2 years was a waste. Then I talk about just other things in life and cry some more. My mom comes in from work during the middle of this cryfest.

My deddy is my hero, but he doesn't have a good way with words and emotions. I know it is because his dad was the exact same way. So when my mom got there, he let her take over. So, I sat on a small step stool in my parents kitchen and cried. Not just tears peeking out over my cheeks, but my face in my hands and my eyes soaked and snot literally connecting my jacket to my face.

My parents tried to give their best advice, but somehow I can't really process "you just have to get over it". My heart is so broken at this point, I just honestly don't know what to do. So, I left Mowgli for an overnight and for some alone time.

I come home, work out again, and then sit on my couch trying to hold back the waterfalls again. I ask God to show me something in his word about making things new. I searched "made new" on my Bible app. I skim over a few verses, then one jumped out at me.

Isaiah 43:18 "Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past." Could you have made it any more real God? I find myself in the past a lot. Thinking about what was and why that isn't the case now. This breakup has shaken my world up so much, but right there God says forget that. Continue reading verse 19 "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and stream in the wasteland."


Ah God, you got me a again. This is how I interpret that verse "Hellooo! I am doing something new in your life- you dont even feel it whelling up in you do you? I am cutting out a path for you in the middle of this lonely place and I am bringing a source of life to a desserted place."

So, even in the middle of my madness of tears, snot, and a feeling of desperation that I can't explain, God says that HE is at work in me- even if I don't or can't feel it. I am so glad God moves in my meltdowns.