So here goes: everything that I have felt or wanted to say to you but just didn't know how. I may never say these words out loud, but they are going to get out of me- because 3 months of them being in me is too long. I either get over you, like you so have for me, or I sit here and wait til forever to never come true. Either way- something has to give- and I am giving up this crap that has been inside of me. It isn't meant to hurt you or put you down- it's sole intention is to just clear my head from the darkness that has engulfed it, to free my eyes from the gushes of warm water that come out at any given time of the day, and not so much for the pieces to be put back together, but for me to realize that pieces can still be used for a bigger picture.
Kelly Clarkson- Sober, with my comments added:And I don't know This could break my heart or save me
Nothings real Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
It is astonishing how one month I am clinging to what I thought was "it", then just a few short weeks later, like an atomic bomb blows up everything in its path, I am in absolute shock that my world has come crashing down around me. I have held on to you- even though you were finished well before the actual day. I can't bring myself to throw away our pictures. My friends have said to shut you out completely, but I don't have the willpower to do that. I don't know how to let go completely. It is still weird to go places that we used to go together- like the Farmer's Market and the guy asking me "where is your ..." or just shopping in general. Break me or save me. Break most assuredly. I have never had this emotion, this mindset, this disappointment ever in my life. It sucks to cry yourself to sleep. It also sucks having to see you and your "perfect" life without me in it..every few days. Three times a week to be exact. I had no idea I made you so miserable and that I was keeping you from having a life, because you are certainly a much more happier person now. It is a hard pill to swallow thinking that someone is your "everything", when in turn you are "nothing" to them. I didn't know memories of me were so easy to extinguish. I have come to understand the word "miss" in a whole new way. I have missed things I used to complain about, I have missed things I didn't think I cared about, and I have missed just the sheer presence of you. It is really scary being in this position. I don't like it one bit.
To me, I thought that this was part of the plan- the next steps of my life. Imagine all of the dreams I once had of being in love with your best friend, spending a lifetime together and making memories as sweet colorful bubbles freshly blown out of a bubble wand. So picture perfect in the light, bubbles don't have flaws and their reflection casts out more beautiful images. The more bubbles, the happier the place. Bubbles can build on other bubbles and grow into bigger ones with a little more effort from your breath. But bubbles don't last forever, just like this didn't either. In an instant they are gone, nothing left but a stick residue and a fleeting memory of once what was there. That is where I am now. A sticky mess.
It is really weird and uncomfortable to be here- in life without my relationship with you. I mean it when I say I don't want to date again and I don't want to get married, not just because of YOU, but because I don't think I could go through this past year's emotions ever again. Falling, literally, in love- a love that I had never experienced, and giving so much time, effort, and learning what it meant to truly truly look upon someone with eyes of sweet love, and then that love being stripped away. I know my heart can't handle doing that again. I had love only for you, and I am convinced that I won't ever be able to give that love to anyone else again. I am ok with that. Three months and I'm still sober. Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers.But I know it's never really over.
It is time I pick the weeds, and just cherish the good times. You seemed to have noticed the weeds long before I did. We did have some amazing times together, and I will always hold them dear to my heart. I know I will never really be "over" you; your impression was far to great to simply be over. Like an elephant stepping into a soggy bog, that is the magnitude of the impression you left on me. A good impression. A solid one. One that will still have presence in my life long after you have married and began a family. Even longer than that, til my time on earth is done. I am so thankful that it happened. I learned a lot and grew more as a person. I haven't cried today, but I shed tears now thinking about how you changed me for good.
And I don't know I could crash and burn but maybe At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me.So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right No comparing, second guessing, no not this time.
I am going to mess up even more. I am going to be in this position of hurt for a while. Everything I do from here on out will be compared to you, whether I mean to or not. I cant second guess your decision. I might not agree with it, but I can't fault you for the way or lack of feelings you have. It is ok. You deserve the best, and I want nothing but the best for you. You work on becoming your best, and know that I am always here as your fan to support you. I need to take my own advice and work on myself, I am just not sure where to start. I don't know what I want to do with my life now that
3 months. Such a long time. I am still alive. I am still here. It didn't kill me, though it felt like I couldn't breathe. It has been a long road. I still cry in my hands sometimes. Sometimes I wake up crying. Sometimes when I am in church I cry quietly in prayer time. Sometimes I cry in public at a store. But I hide it. No one needs to see that. It hasn't just gone away for me, and I don't know if it ever will.
Wake up
All I
Three months and I still am.
This is it. I still am. I would like to say I'm getting better, but at times it is worse. Lots of emotions, anger, bitterness, self loathing, hurt, shame, misery, disappointment- the list could go on and on. But here is the thing. I am still here. Again, some kind of purpose must be at work, because I still am.Three months and it's still harder now.Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months.
Yup. It hasn't gotten any easier. I have just learned to just take it for what it is. This line says it all. Here without you is so hard. Constantly I find myself wanting to buy things for you or pick up stuff and try to buy it without realizing what I have done. So many things remind me of you and that gets overwhelming at times. You come up in every conversation. I did this with.. Oh .. got me this.. .. would do this.. ... liked these..on and on and on and on. Funny, because I am 100% sure that never happens to you. If I could get my heart of fantasy to line up with my head of reality, I would be in a much better state. I just question everything. Why wasn't I good enough, What could I have done better, Was there anything real there in the first place, Was this how it was meant to be, blah. It is quite draining.
Three months and I'm still breathing.Three months and I still remember it.Three months and I wake up.
Not something to easily wipe a slate clean of. This isn't wasn't some teenage love saga. For me, it was as real as it gets. It is still gonna hurt down the road, and I am learning to be ok with that. I take it for what it is and appreciate that my life would be completely different and dark had I never dated you. I'm grateful for the love you gave.
Three months and I'm still sober. Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
The time has come to end this post. Hold on to the things that were exciting and beautiful. Let the ugly parts fade. Thank you for what was and for choosing me to share that time in your life with. I hope you have many more full blossom flowers in your future and that you don't let weeds spoil your garden of good things.
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