Keep your coins, I just want change

Change is the essence of dealing with life. We learn to adapt in different situations, move forward to better ourselves and our circumstances, and make decisions that cause life altering effects.

Change is never easy. Is is also never the first thing we gravitate to. We get stuck in our comfort bubbles- sometimes they are more like igloos because we have shut out change for a while- and we refuse to make any changes to where we are in life. Sometimes even- we know that there has to be changes made in order for life to go on, yet we are still resistant to it.

Why does it hurt so bad- even when we know that is the best choice? Why do we resist it? I can't speak for you, but I can tell you my "change" story.

It is really hard to admit that you I dont have all the answers- even more so to admit that you  arent I am not  as awesome as you I think you are I am. Oh how change hurts. Hurts to the core. Shakes your soul and rattles your very being when you say "ok, something's gotta give."

Sometimes More often than I would like to admit I make really rash decsions. I decide this is how it is going to be and I have to do it NOW in order to be happy. This attitude never gets me very far. It usually comes around and bites me in the butt when I do this. e.g. like spending my money on materials instead of saving or here's a bright idea: paying bills.

There are times when your definition of change doesnt match up to how the change should take place in your life. i.e. changing your hair color because you need some change in your life. I was SO guilty of this in college. Every semester I had a new cut and color. Every semester. Until my junior year summer. I realized that no matter what color my hair was, I was still a loud speak your mind laugh out loud at the wrong times girl. If I needed change so much, I was going to have to dig into the character wardrobe and don on some new attitiudes if I wanted to be different. Im not knocking hair coloring- trust me I think it is awesome, and sometimes it gives a temporary change that is an awesome feeling- but not the kind of change Im talking about :)

Sometimes we have to have change to just breathe. A dear friend of me told me a few weeks ago "If nothing changes- nothing changes." Sounds like a crazy saying- but think about it. If you arent willing to give up somethings- your situation will be exactly the same as what is is now. No differences. Nothing new. Same old same old. In order to live life to its fullest and brightest capacity- you have to make some changes in your life.

Sometimes that is severing friendships that you have had for extended periods of time because you realize you dont and wont ever see eye to eye in this relationship. Maybe it is a new job- or new adventure in life. Other times change might come in the form of your my stone cold heart being chipped away to allow others in and goodness to flow out.

Change hurts. If it didnt- we would have no need for therapists, counselors, mentors, and friends. But- sometimes that hurt and the fear of the unknown is what drives us to pursue that change. And in the end result- we see that although it hurts, it was for our best that we had to go through with it.

Dont know where to start but know you desperately need change in your life and in your heart? I encourage you to turn to Ephesians 4:23: (CEV) Let the Spirit change your way of thinking. You won't be able to do this on your own- trust me. And if you do decide you got this- Rest assured you dont.

I have made some major changes in my life in the past few months, weeks, and even yesterday. Changes that hurt and made me cry- question everything I know- and really cherish memories. And you know what- I'm still here. Though I thought some things wouldve shouldve killed me- it didnt. Because change is part of life. I hope you make the changes you need to make to be the best you were created to be.

Been a While.. Get ready for an unload

I have been anticipating  dreading known about this day for a long time. Three months actually. The day my world turned upside down I knew that three months from then, now today, I would put the words to a Kelly Clarkson song as my Facebook status. Kelly Clarkson is my all time favorite artist. This sounds so lame to you I am sure, but if one thing has helped my heart and mind the past 3 months- it has been the lyrics of this girl's songs. Not just the lyrics, but the raw emotion she has and the roller coaster of disappointments- and her overcoming a broken heart.

So here goes: everything that I have felt or wanted to say to you but just didn't know how. I may never say these words out loud, but they are going to get out of me- because 3 months of them being in me is too long. I either get over you, like you so have for me, or I sit here and wait til forever to never come true. Either way- something has to give- and I am giving up this crap that has been inside of me. It isn't meant to hurt you or put you down- it's sole intention is to just clear my head from the darkness that has engulfed it, to free my eyes from the gushes of warm water that come out at any given time of the day, and not so much for the pieces to be put back together, but for me to realize that pieces can still be used for a bigger picture.

Kelly Clarkson- Sober, with my comments added:And I don't know This could break my heart or save me
Nothings real Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

It is astonishing how one month I am clinging to what I thought was "it", then just a few short weeks later, like an atomic bomb blows up everything in its path, I am in absolute shock that my world has come crashing down around me. I have held on to you- even though you were finished well before the actual day. I can't bring myself to throw away our pictures. My friends have said to shut you out completely, but I don't have the willpower to do that. I don't know how to let go completely. It is still weird to go places that we used to go together- like the Farmer's Market and the guy asking me "where is your ..." or just shopping in general. Break me or save me. Break most assuredly. I have never had this emotion, this mindset, this disappointment ever in my life. It sucks to cry yourself to sleep. It also sucks having to see you and your "perfect" life without me in it..every few days. Three times a week to be exact. I had no idea I made you so miserable and that I was keeping you from having a life, because you are certainly a much more happier person now. It is a hard pill to swallow thinking that someone is your "everything", when in turn you are "nothing" to them. I didn't know memories of me were so easy to extinguish. I have come to understand the word "miss" in a whole new way. I have missed things I used to complain about, I have missed things I didn't think I cared about, and I have missed just the sheer presence of you. It is really scary being in this position. I don't like it one bit.

To me, I thought that this was part of the plan- the next steps of my life. Imagine all of the dreams I once had of being in love with your best friend, spending a lifetime together and making memories as sweet colorful bubbles freshly blown out of a bubble wand. So picture perfect in the light, bubbles don't have flaws and their reflection casts out more beautiful images. The more bubbles, the happier the place. Bubbles can build on other bubbles and grow into bigger ones with a little more effort from your breath. But bubbles don't last forever, just like this didn't either. In an instant they are gone, nothing left but a stick residue and a fleeting memory of once what was there. That is where I am now. A sticky mess.

It is really weird and uncomfortable to be here- in life without my relationship with you. I mean it when I say I don't want to date again and I don't want to get married, not just because of YOU, but because I don't think I could go through this past year's emotions ever again. Falling, literally, in love- a love that I had never experienced, and giving so much time, effort, and learning what it meant to truly truly look upon someone with eyes of sweet love, and then that love being stripped away. I know my heart can't handle doing that again. I had love only for you, and I am convinced that I won't ever be able to give that love to anyone else again. I am ok with that. Three months and I'm still sober. Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers.But I know it's never really over.

It is time I pick the weeds, and just cherish the good times. You seemed to have noticed the weeds long before I did. We did have some amazing times together, and I will always hold them dear to my heart. I know I will never really be "over" you; your impression was far to great to simply be over. Like an elephant stepping into a soggy bog, that is the magnitude of the impression you left on me. A good impression. A solid one. One that will still have presence in my life long after you have married and began a family. Even longer than that, til my time on earth is done. I am so thankful that it happened. I learned a lot and grew more as a person. I haven't cried today, but I shed tears now thinking about how you changed me for good.

And I don't know I could crash and burn but maybe At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me.So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right No comparing, second guessing, no not this time.

I am going to mess up even more. I am going to be in this position of hurt for a while. Everything I do from here on out will be compared to you, whether I mean to or not. I cant second guess your decision. I might not agree with it, but I can't fault you for the way or lack of feelings you have. It is ok. You deserve the best, and I want nothing but the best for you. You work on becoming your best, and know that I am always here as your fan to support you. I need to take my own advice and work on myself, I am just not sure where to start. I don't know what I want to do with my life now that my our plans changed. I don't know what I am passionate about- I don't have a clue what I want to do with this "life" that I now lead alone and I really just don't know where God wants me. But I guess I am just going to have to give all that up and trust that something good will come of this.
Three months and I'm still breathing. Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know It's never really over, no. 


3 months. Such a long time. I am still alive. I am still here. It didn't kill me, though it felt like I couldn't breathe. It has been a long road. I still cry in my hands sometimes. Sometimes I wake up crying. Sometimes when I am in church I cry quietly in prayer time. Sometimes I cry in public at a store. But I hide it. No one needs to see that. It hasn't just gone away for me, and I don't know if it ever will.
Wake up


All I wanted want I don't even know what I want is for this to be a bad dream. But is isn't. It is now my reality. Breathing down on my neck every chance it gets. I just have to learn to be the master of my thoughts, the one in control, not letting the circumstances control me. Three months and I'm still standing here. Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am.

This is it. I still am. I would like to say I'm getting better, but at times it is worse. Lots of emotions, anger, bitterness, self loathing, hurt, shame, misery, disappointment- the list could go on and on. But here is the thing. I am still here. Again, some kind of purpose must be at work, because I still am.Three months and it's still harder now.Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months.


Yup. It hasn't gotten any easier. I have just learned to just take it for what it is. This line says it all. Here without you is so hard. Constantly I find myself wanting to buy things for you or pick up stuff and try to buy it without realizing what I have done. So many things remind me of you and that gets overwhelming at times. You come up in every conversation. I did this with.. Oh .. got me this.. .. would do this.. ... liked these..on and on and on and on. Funny, because I am 100% sure that never happens to you. If I could get my heart of fantasy to line up with my head of reality, I would be in a much better state. I just question everything. Why wasn't I good enough, What could I have done better, Was there anything real there in the first place, Was this how it was meant to be, blah. It is quite draining.

Three months and I'm still breathing.Three months and I still remember it.Three months and I wake up.

Not something to easily wipe a slate clean of. This isn't wasn't some teenage love saga. For me, it was as real as it gets. It is still gonna hurt down the road, and I am learning to be ok with that. I take it for what it is and appreciate that my life would be completely different and dark had I never dated you. I'm grateful for the love you gave.
Three months and I'm still sober. Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

The time has come to end this post. Hold on to the things that were exciting and beautiful. Let the ugly parts fade. Thank you for what was and for choosing me to share that time in your life with. I hope you have many more full blossom flowers in your future and that you don't let weeds spoil your garden of good things.

Time..So Much Changes Over Time

Wow. My life is so completely different than it was in May of 2011. So much has changed. I missed blogging. I missed these memories I wanted to keep in written form. I want to do better at that. I want to set a goal to blog at least 3 times a week. Nothing fancy, but a recap. Right now, I'm learning the hard way that life doesn't go at all as we as mortals plan. But, thankfully I serve God, and even though his way hurts sometimes, his way is better than mine. I just have a hard time admitting or wanting that. I read a verse the other day and I want to share it with you. Right now, "you" is empty space, because I know no one reads this. But I will humor myself. "Overhearing what they said, Jesus said 'Don't be afraid, just believe.' Mark 5:36" I am not sure of what you are going through right now- but I can tell you this word speaks comfort. Whether is is monsters under your child's bed, a relationship that ended out of no where, the passing of your beloved pet, uncertainty about the future, or just plain old not having anything to hold on to and feeling alone, Jesus himself said for us to not be afraid. I personally have had ALL of those things happen to me (minus the kid part) in the last month. My perspective on life has truly changed.

If Christ himself said for me to not be afraid, man, that speaks volumes to my lonely heart. Just believe. That is Macy's motto for Christmas "Believe"- and they put that on a huge strung up sign ont he side of the building in New York. Now, their belief is in the magic of Christmas. Thank God I believe in the miracle of Christ. But you see how powerful that belief is??? The things we hold true are the things that will in turn be evident in our lives.

Believe it will happen. Believe God is Sovereign and he does want good things for his children. I heard it said on the radio right after my break up that "you are either going in a storm, inside of a storm, or coming out of one and this is to be expected as Christians". This is so true. God is always refining and sharpening us, maybe even taking away some of the "comforts" of this earth to make us more like him. Does it hurt? Most assuredly. Does it make us feel vulnerable and uneasy? Of course. Is it worth it? To be more Christ-like is always worth it- whether we enjoy the trials or not. I say this, and right now I am in one of the lowest times of my life, but I know that God is faithful- and will never leave me. Even in the midst of my wanderings, God is still there and still in control, regardless of what I try to do to speed up my life or slow it down, God's will is ultimately going to be the one that makes a difference in my life. Not me.

It has been a remarkably hard past 2 months. My heart was broken in places I didnt know it could be broken. I have cried more in the past 2 months than I have in my entire life- i could fill an ocean with my tears. God is working on me, and friend, it hurts, but I have to hold confident that He who began a good work in me will complete it. (Phil 1:6)

I want to share my thoughts even if for my own benefit of release. I hope you find this journey fun, because I know I have to be Bound For More that what my present state is.