Is it my portion?

If anyone is a total hypocrite, oh I have earned the title tonight. Last night I sat before my college Bible study class on Wednesdays and preached the Word about God being our Mighty Warrior who rescues us, saves us, and reverses our captivity. How God takes delight over us and gets excited about us- then sings over us because he is so in love with us. How God is going to give honor and praise to us. I spoke about Zephaniah 3:17, 20. 


I also talked about Lamentations 3: 19-24. How even in the middle of the affliction (the things that hurt), the wandering (straying away doing our own thing), the bitterness (all of the hurt and frustrations we refuse to give up), and the gall (the bad tastes left in our mouths from experiences)- that because of God's great love- we are not consumed. We are not swallowed up- it doesn't overtake us. The things that are creating chaos around us are not going to get the best of us- because of God's great love. His word says his compassions never fail- and that they are new everyday. He never gives up giving us mercy, even when we fail. The last verse, vs 24 says "I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."


Total hypocrite. I just got done having the flood gates opened. I sat here and cried to my deddy who came to visit about my housing situation. I cried and cried about how I feel like a failure and nothing ever works for me- and how I have had to move every year for the past 5 years. It gets old. And heartbreaking. It is really draining to change your address that many times and never have anything to show for it.It really is devastating. 


Yes- I can still stay in my townhouse, but I dont want to commit to a year's lease. I don't want to be tied down in something that isn't mine. So, the packing must begin soon. 


There aren't many options for me right now, and I am so upset. I like the quality and the newness of my townhouse, so it will suck going to something not as nice, but I just have to learn how to deal with it. BUT- right last night I told my friends The Lord is our Mighty Warrior- he fights til it is finished. He rescues us from the things that hold us captive. Right now, my captivity is in housing. Did I pray? No. Did I seek out Godly wisdom? No. Did I text my friends to pray for me? No. I just sat here and cried and basically gave up on myself. Way to read the Word and just be a hearer of it and not a doer. 


So, at 11:32pm I find myself really questioning the believability that I have when I get into the Word.Why teach it if you aren't going to live it? The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. Hmm. God is what I am supposed to be feasting on. Not the things of this world. God never gives up on me, even when I give up on myself. His compassions never fail- everyday he brings about new ones to share with you- with me-with all of creation to remind us how much he really does love us. He is a Warrior. 


What a beautiful image to think of God as someone who goes to battle for me- for my heart to protect it, as well as be the guiding force for my mind. He saves. He rescues. Life doesn't flash before your eyes because you messed up and its over; life is now made whole and God gives you praise and honor. I hope you will pray for my contentment, my sanctification, and for me to wait on the Lord.