Butterfly

Do you ever get to the point where you just say "Ok, I'm done"? Or maybe you aren't like me- and you just keep trying. A lot of people have told me lately that my expectations are too high- unattainable really. That kind of stings- to know that someone thinks that my standards are unrealistic or never going to be met. I have also been told that I am too hard on myself.

Do you ever go out of your way for people? I find myself doing this sometimes. More than sometimes. Do people ever respond the way you think they should or want them to? Not in my case lately. I guess I think my actions and my the reasons why my heart wants to do these actions don't add up with how the world responds. Why do I expect so much out of people- why is it that I think what I am doing is of great benefit to you, but you just see it as a chore?

Sometimes I feel as if I am living in a fog. Not a Claritin cleared up fog either. I think I am bringing something good to the table or to the conversation I guess, and I am quickly reminded that what I thought was something nice- is seen as rubbish.
I don't think my standards are too high. I don't feel as though they won't ever be met. If I am not hard on myself- nothing will get done. Is it wrong to expect so much from people? I am not sure I have the answer to that- but I do know if I have no standards for them to meet, then what is the point of engaging in a conversation/life/etc. with them?

I have tried too long with some things in my life. Tried to make days or lives better. Sunday was the day I decided not anymore. Sometimes things hurt us too much and we have to let them go. Completely. even, when we sit back and say- just one more time, things will change and be different this time. No they won't. Not because of something you did. Only when those oposing forces want it to. "Spread your wings and you will become a butterfly" Mariah Carey said that on her award winning Butterfly album. I have had a few bumps in testing these wings out, but it is time I use them for what they were meant for- to get me from one place time hurt section of life to another.

It is going to hurt. Probably won't really come natural at first. But here is the deal: if it was worth it- both parties involved would be beating those wings fervously to make it to a new point. Not just one. So, as I remind myself of the "the quiet" that I want to live in, I say the flight of the monarch has begun.

Comeback Kid- For real

Last night was our second softball game. We played a lot better and everyone batted much better. Including myself. We beat the Methodist 22-11. I went 2 hits, 2 walks, and a fly out, but it looked like it was hit hard so I will take it. It is much easier to hit well when the rest of your team hits well also. We batted around in the 1st inning. The first inning- it was awesome scoring 13 runs and we had only been in the dugout one time! 

I also learned it is much easier to play when you go up there and just either A) listen to what the coach just taught you or B) Go up there focused and ready to hit. Apparently I have been stepping up to the plate thinking about too much. My life- all the crap that has been going on it and the frustrations of it. The inability to perform under pressure. The liability I bring instead of assests. The struggles from deep within. The moment of wishful thinking. The fleeting second of past memories of how last season was.

All of this makes for bad batting. Clear mind and the willpower to hit. That is all I need. And it worked- with no encouragement from the "formers". I did that. God answered my prayer earlier to just let me hit and play to the best of my ability.

I got the "player" award after the game. A simple token from our coach acknowledging either Most Improved, Best Player, etc. He called me the comeback kid. Little did he know I had just written about refusing to accept setbacks. God works- even in my personal struggles with slow pitch church league softball. Thank you for the blessings and the lessons.  

My New Talent

Can you guess it? I have made mention of things on here that I am not talented at, but I have reached the conclusion that I have found it. It wasn't anything I had to ask others opinion about. No one told me about it. 

No- making big hair bows and tulley tutus is not it. Haha- no not crafting. Not decorating either. Not drawing or sketching, like I once thought when I was little. It is not even cooking like my momma wishes it would be. It is not talking-as I have felt since Junior year of college- nope that is not the big daddy of them. It isn't makeup artistry either. Nope- it isn't being healthy either. Guess again. There are some things that I am ok/good/average/enough to get by at, but this one thing keeps coming up as being a success. Not to brag- I don't even have to try that hard, and it always works.

It just came up one day- out of the blue I guess. No- wait. It has always been present, I guess I just finally realized it the other day. 
Finally revealing itself to me- and I must say, I was astonished. At first I thought, no, this can't be it, but the more I tried, oh the better I did get at it. And have gotten at it. And now I am confident of it. There is no denying it.

Think you have the right guess? Here it is- come close-
Letdowns. Disappointment. Bomb. Fiasco. Disaster. Botch. Catastrophe. Failure.

Yes- I am 100% successful at failing or ruining things all of the time. Here is the recap of the week:

Saturday-Hiking- fall on a large rock, now have large ugly nasty abrasion that will leave an even prettier scar
Sunday- not choosing the right words with people, strained relationships
food poisoning- get to goal weight, then blow it out of the water by eating enough sweets (Monday and Tuesday) to send a diabetic into a coma. For a week.
Tuesday- softball. Oh glorious softball. No hits, complete embarrassment. Pay money to improve hitting- don't make contact one time. Out of 4 tries.
Wednesday- Send out email for work, get a few heated ones back about is this really my job and that I should be educating our students, not creating insecurities in them.
No workouts and no eating healthy this week. Awesome. I had peanut butter m&ms for dinner last night (but that is solely justified since I took myself to the movies alone). And for breakfast this morning. No justification there.

You see? I don't know why I didn't see it before, but now I do, plain as day. Count on me to mess it up. Count on me to not come through.
I have a lot of flaws, a lot. I have a lot of learning to do. I also have to remind myself that this too shall pass. Proverbs 24:16 "for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again," I have had my seven times, maybe more this week. But I can't stop there. The end of that verse says they rise again. The Falcons aren't the only ones who will be rising up this year.
Your true character is who you are when no one is watching. I am certainly going to try and live my life as though others are watching- and rise above my failures and not let them define me.

You haven't seen the last of me Failure Fairy. Sprinkle those mistakes somewhere else. No, you just bring them on, and I will break the wings that you rode in on.

Finally Figured It Out

I have been being true to myself about what I posted on here the other day. I have been keeping quiet and learning to take in things around me instead of reacting to them. The secret life does have its perks. No one knows your business. No one can respond to your thoughts/opinions inappropriately, and no one can judge you because you have been quiet.

Interesting. You observe more when you remain in the quiet. I have also come to realize that you don't get weighed down as much, because you just have your problems to deal with, not anyone else's. Recluse. I might take this on for a while. It's funny though- people notice when you go from being one way to another- or I should at least say- a few people noticed. Not that I am doing this for anyone but myself, but when someone made a comment about me being "upset kinda off', I almost wanted to smile, because I had finally figured it out. The secret of living not in the open with everyone to gaze into your business- or hear about it because you won't shut up about your life and all the stuff it brings with it.

I am learning that the world is a cruel place. I am also learning that I contribute to the negativity that makes this world cruel. I am also finding out that the world revolving around me will not, has not, nor ever will be.

Last night I did a lesson about "Comeback Kids" from the Bible. People who had/made a big mess with/out of their lives- and God turned their life around for good (Romans 8:28). I read this quote on a forum and it is too good not to share with you.

"Don’t allow yourself to be completely engrossed in that mess. It does not matter where you are or how big a mess your life is today. God has a comeback plan for you. ...Refuse to accept a setback! ...He will preserve your life in order to preserve the purpose for your life."- Valentine Egbudiwe

I have made a bunch of messes in this life. Seems like for the past two years I have made huge messes with friends. I have- and I take owenership of my actions and reactions. God has been so faithful though. The friendships that mattered have been resolved and the ones that didn't/haven't- I have peace about them. 

God has a comeback for me. I do not know what it is- or can't even fathom the comeback he has planned for me, but I know that part of it is living in this secret quiet life. He has brought me this far, because the purpose for my life is still at work. So as I remain in the quiet- pray for me- that I will find my purpose and that this new life will bring about some of the healing that I have been desperately needing.

Bucket List 4 & 5

Two in one day. That is always a plus.

-Got to a Spring Festival: I went to the Dogwood Festival in Atlanta. Piedmont Park is really pretty. The festival was really kind of lame. I love art, but who brings $500+ to a park? In cash. Too much of stuff I would never buy. Just really different items and paintings. Some of them were really boring, and some of them- I know I have seen my cousins make prettier pictures that what they were selling.

It was nice to visit though.

I hiked a State Park not on the list for right now because I decided to change out one. Sweetwater Creek State Park. Should be called "Atlanta's hidden gem". A few miles past Six Flags sits this HUGE state park. No skyscrappers. No marta. No traffic. Not much noise. And the complete essence of bliss in nature. There are lots of shoals and the peaceful enviroment by the creek is amazing. Really good trails that have been maintained. I did fall on a large rock and have a nasty cut/bruise/scrape on my leg, but the views were worth it. I highly recommend you visit here. You won't be disappointed. And the park was super ecofriendly in their buildings for the office and bathrooms. They recyle everything. And I mean everything.

So, a few down, a whole lot more to do in the month of May. I hope I can at least get to 2-3 more parks before June.

The Words That You Said

..still ring in my head....I'm not ready to make nice, I'm not ready to back down.."

That is the song that put the Dixie Chicks up for a Grammy in 2007 I believe. They won that year. Took home one of the highest coveted awards for music entertainment. I have that cd. This cd was their response for speaking out about what they believed in, and not backing down. This was when all the stuff between them and Toby Keith got started, because of remarks made about the war and Bush- and how Natalie's had her life threatened from a fan "telling her to shut up and sing or her life would be over".

Now, I can't relate to having my life threatened. But I can identify with the other words in this song. It seems here lately that the words that I have said/written have been offensive to some people who read them and I have been called a few choice names the past few weeks. Let me say this with complete honesty and truth: this blog and the postings on it have NO intention to cause discord and strife for people who read it. If you really read it, like really read the postings, you will see this is all about my short comings and failures as a person- not anyone else's. It isn't meant to cause harm, make you mad, defriend me, or upset you. I honestly mean that- and if it has for any reason, I apologize, because I don't mean to upset you.

Now I will admit that I can be extremely brash sometimes and maybe I shouldn't put my complete feelings out in the open. I will agree with that. I know the type of personality I have- and sometimes I can just come across as a ______. I get that, you aren't the first person to tell me that. But when I post about struggling and feeling helpless, it isn't anything but my feelings. I am not projecting them on anyone, I am not asking you to feel sorry for me. I am just writing. If you read this- that is awesome. If you don't read my blog, trust me, the world isn't going to end.

With that being said, I don't want to write about things that don't matter. I don't want to invest time into things that are going no where. So, if you have been following, I hope to learn the true meaning of what a secret really is, how to not always speak out about things, how to truly listen, and how to just explore the introverted lifestyle. Yes a lot of my posts have been in the negative category- I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me again. I have just had a rough start to 2012. I am human- I am a refinement in process. I do make mistakes, huge wreckless mistakes. Sometimes I say things without thinking of how they will be read or interpreted. Sometimes I feel like life would be just fine without me here to mess it up. Sometimes I hurt too. I am sorry, truly to the utmost, apologetic if these words have made you question any part of my character, our friendship, and just me as a person in general.

Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.


I clearly have not lived up to this verse if you have been offended from anything I have posted, and I am sorry. I want to build you up- not tear you down. A spoon not a fork or a knife.

When You Don't Know

If you read my post from last night, you should know what kind of mindset I have today. But- I say unto you, God is bigger than I understand, and infiltrates our lives when we least expect it- or want it.

I get up. I come to work. I just know I have a lot going on right now- that my brain is working overtime on things that I would really care not to think about. Through the encouragement of some friends, I have found that God still is at work, even when I think he is taking a day off. God isn't lazy like me, he never quits and never fails. The verses from yesterday, his compassions are new every morning was made true today.

I woke up to my daily verse from a coworker: Matthew 6:33 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you. 
God hit me with his best shot to remind me that I am not seeking out his counsel for the things that are going on in my life. Seek God first- and everything else will fall into place. It will be given to you if it is in God's plans. Seek, Ask, Knock, dont just complain about it.

Another dear "friend"/family member/wonderful person in my life shared 2 Chronicles 20:12 with me. Funny, now that I write it out, this needs to be my verse for 2012, since everything that could go wrong has don' up and went wrong. The verse says "For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you." NIV) I read a couple of other translations and I think I like the Contemporary English Version: We won't stand a chance when this army attacks. We don't know what to do- we are begging for your help."

Think about that imagery. All the translations (NIV, NKJV, HCSB, Message, and CEV) say this in their respected orders: we have no power, no power, powerless, helpless, won't stand a chance

-against the-vast army, great multitude, vast number, vandal horde, army

- and all agree on this: we don't know what to do

BUT. And Praise God it is a BIG BUT! - our eyes are on you, our eyes are upon you, we look to you, we're looking to you, we are begging for your help.

In all of this stuff called life that is going on around me God, I am clueless- and I really don't stand a chance to make it on my own against the things that are attacking me (Financial, Emotional, Physical, Mental, Spiritual, Relational) BUT I am looking to you for answers. My eyes are on you, direct my path the way you would want me to go. I am looking to you for your provision.

Pair Zephaniah 3:17 again with this, and be reminded God is a Mighty Warrior. He can handle the heat when we can't. It is when we realize we really don't have all the answers that God says ok, finally- now let me get to work, because I made everything and I dang sure can fix it. Have a little faith.

It is ok to not know what to do. It is more important to keep your eyes fixed on God.

Is it my portion?

If anyone is a total hypocrite, oh I have earned the title tonight. Last night I sat before my college Bible study class on Wednesdays and preached the Word about God being our Mighty Warrior who rescues us, saves us, and reverses our captivity. How God takes delight over us and gets excited about us- then sings over us because he is so in love with us. How God is going to give honor and praise to us. I spoke about Zephaniah 3:17, 20. 


I also talked about Lamentations 3: 19-24. How even in the middle of the affliction (the things that hurt), the wandering (straying away doing our own thing), the bitterness (all of the hurt and frustrations we refuse to give up), and the gall (the bad tastes left in our mouths from experiences)- that because of God's great love- we are not consumed. We are not swallowed up- it doesn't overtake us. The things that are creating chaos around us are not going to get the best of us- because of God's great love. His word says his compassions never fail- and that they are new everyday. He never gives up giving us mercy, even when we fail. The last verse, vs 24 says "I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."


Total hypocrite. I just got done having the flood gates opened. I sat here and cried to my deddy who came to visit about my housing situation. I cried and cried about how I feel like a failure and nothing ever works for me- and how I have had to move every year for the past 5 years. It gets old. And heartbreaking. It is really draining to change your address that many times and never have anything to show for it.It really is devastating. 


Yes- I can still stay in my townhouse, but I dont want to commit to a year's lease. I don't want to be tied down in something that isn't mine. So, the packing must begin soon. 


There aren't many options for me right now, and I am so upset. I like the quality and the newness of my townhouse, so it will suck going to something not as nice, but I just have to learn how to deal with it. BUT- right last night I told my friends The Lord is our Mighty Warrior- he fights til it is finished. He rescues us from the things that hold us captive. Right now, my captivity is in housing. Did I pray? No. Did I seek out Godly wisdom? No. Did I text my friends to pray for me? No. I just sat here and cried and basically gave up on myself. Way to read the Word and just be a hearer of it and not a doer. 


So, at 11:32pm I find myself really questioning the believability that I have when I get into the Word.Why teach it if you aren't going to live it? The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. Hmm. God is what I am supposed to be feasting on. Not the things of this world. God never gives up on me, even when I give up on myself. His compassions never fail- everyday he brings about new ones to share with you- with me-with all of creation to remind us how much he really does love us. He is a Warrior. 


What a beautiful image to think of God as someone who goes to battle for me- for my heart to protect it, as well as be the guiding force for my mind. He saves. He rescues. Life doesn't flash before your eyes because you messed up and its over; life is now made whole and God gives you praise and honor. I hope you will pray for my contentment, my sanctification, and for me to wait on the Lord.

Ramblings

Well, it has been a while since I blogged. It isn't because I haven't had things to say or haven't had the time- its just frustrations. I am not so much a person of routine when it comes to life, there are only a few things that I enjoy doing routinely (brushing my teeth, shopping, things of that nature). I have been up at all hours of the night lately, and could have written my thoughts out- but I choose to neglect writing and bottle those feelings up. Sometimes that is good- sometimes its not.

I am so frustrated with life right now. Let down, disappointed, confused, and just feel like I am starring into a black hole. Nothing seems to be looking up, so it is just really hard to be in this position.

Here is what I am frustrated with today:
Young Adult/College Class- The yaccs if you will. Is it THAT hard to get out of bed and come to church? No, wait. Some of you are already at church, but you leave and don't come to Sunday School. Then you don't speak to me in church but sit within 2 pews of me. That's cool. Oh- and you can even come to church events, but you refuse to come to SS. Seriously- someone else can have this job- because I am giving up on it and the people in it.

Work- If I am doing 2 full time jobs- I should be getting paid like I am doing 2 full time jobs. Don't just assume since I take over one part of an aspect of someone's job that I am agreeing to do it all for free. You can afford to pay me- or this work won't be done by me.

Housing- I have 2 weeks roughly to make a decision about my living arrangements and I am no more closer to figuring out anything that when I started. Just awesome.

Money- Do you know how hard it is to get paid once a month? It is rough let me just tell you. I have learned to budget because of this, but when unexpected money losses occur, it is quite hard to get back on your feet. Really sucks to literally have to be here.

Exercise- I am at the point where I have started hating it again, which isn't good because I am deathly terrified of gaining back everything I have lost. I just am so tired and frustrated with it lately. Seems like everyone else is stronger than me and looks better and I just want to give up.

Softball- Oh my gosh- really, I don't need to get started. First- I had a rough scrimmage the other day and it got the best of me. When did I become so emotional? My coach noticed I was upset, because when I am upset I don't talk or do anything. Just numb. Thankfully he didn't see my 2 crocodile tears slip down my face. I am the only girl on the team, and I take that as a very special privilege. I don't want to be treated like the "sissy girl" of the team, I want to be valued as an asset, but I don't think that is the case. I hit awful the other day and that didn't help my cause. Also- to the loudmouth in the stands- you are going to have to shut up when the season starts- you are ridiculously loud and annoying. Don't come out to the fields thinking you can be that loud- it is not a good thing. I can't focus when I hear you and others talking about how I am hitting. If you are so AWESOME, oh wait- you aren't on the team so keep your comments to yourself.

There. That is all what I am dealing with today. I hung out with some friends Sunday night and he was listening to me complain about life and softball- and told me of an awfully sad story about a new baby from a family friend passing away- and he said "So, just be reminded that someone has it a lot worse than you."

Yes. He was right. Lets's go back through those frustrations and see what blessings I have been given:

YACCs- The ones that come still matter and I shouldn't equate them to the others. At least they do come.
Work- I have a job- with benefits, flexibility, and responsibility.
Housing- If it isn't my time to have a house, it isn't my time. I am not homeless and have 2 options if buying a home doesn't work out.
Money- Though I am missing a lot of $, I have enough stuff (food, personal) to get me through 2 more weeks.
Exercise- I can move and sweat, some don't get that luxury- and do it for free.
Softball- I am the only girl on the team- that should say something. I have been given the ability to play.

Go back over your list and see what you can turn into blessings.

Why you so obsessed with Me?

Do you ever find yourself obsessed with something? I certainly do. And I don't think it is me being a Type A personality either. Here are a few of my current obsessions (and that to me means, having a lot of, nothing else matters, you gravitate towards things in this category, you go out looking for these specific things, etc.)

• Colors. Currently is is Seafoam green, gold and cream. We have come a long way since college when it was Turquoise and Brown. Who remembers that? Everything I owned was these two colors, yikes. Now, I see the entire color spectrum and appreciate the individuality each one brings.
• Stripes- I am not so much a fan of Chevron, but I like wide stripes. I recently went shopping in February and came home with nothing but striped shirts.
• Nautical stuff- I searched high and low for an anchor necklace in the Bahamas- finally finding it at a kiosk in the Market place. I have an anchor bag I took on the trip too. I have new red, white, and blue leather boat shoes; I am currently wearing a nautical rope printed scarf and rope bracelet. I want gold knot earrings.
• I was super obsessed over the Hunger Games. NEVER in my life have I ever stayed up til the wee hours of the morning to read a book- let alone 3 in a matter of 2 weeks. I read by chapters anyway, I would get so far, and then the chapter would have me literally hanging on by the edge of my seat that I HAD to finish on.
• Good deals. Im a sucker for a sale. Yesterday, I got a new Nike pullover regular $50 for $19 and sports bra for $10, regular $25. Still may seem like a lot, but you can't beat the quality of Nike clothes. I coupon too. My best trip was a gallon of milk, 2 bags of M & Ms, and 4 cards for $0.28. I was awesome that day.
• Weight loss. I have a goal I want need have to get to, and I beat myself up a lot when I over do it on the eating departing me or when I don't exercise as much as I should. I seriously can't afford to join a gym right now, So I am having to do everything at home. Last night I ate 6 wings (only b/c I didnt want to take 2 wings home); My normal is 4. So, as punishment I guess, I made myself do an extra 20 push ups last night. Totalling 142 for one day. I obsess over what I eat, in a paranoid way. Down to the single chocolate covered almond. And then I recount how terrible of a person I am that I can't lose weight- and back to square one. On, and I obsess on the number on the scale.
• Shoes. I have a shoe obsession to the max. I'm cheap though. I have to find shoes on sale or have a good deal to purchase them. I went in last week for one pair (knowing I was going to buy 2 because of BOGO, but I came out with 4. Great decision. And, I have found, if the shoe fits, buy it in multiple colors. Most of my shoes do come in 2 colors when you gaze into my closet!

I write all of this because I have to take a deeper look at my life. All of these things are just that: things. I am not obsessed over something that really matters or can make a difference. I focus my attention on what I can get. Do you ever get obsessed with the Word of God? To the point where you go out searching for more of it? Do you get obsessed with memorizing scripture and learning new ones? Do you get obsessed over praying for people- not just in casual I prayed for you manner, but earnestly seeking the Lord through petition for a person? Obsessed with telling people about Jesus? Do you find yourself always rejoicing, regardless of the circumstances you are in? Continually praying? Giving thanks in everything? (1 Thess 5:16-18) Hmm. The obsessions of my heart are not really that enlightening, or awesome for that matter.

This is what I want: And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight,  so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. (Philippians 1:9-11)

Well, its Wednesday

Our Frustrations= God's Blessings

As I was preparing to write this, I got a text from an old friend who asked me to call him when I got the chance. My friend picked up and moved to Indiana about 2 years ago- in search of more for himself. He texted me and asked for some advice. I called, and some 45 minutes later, I am understanding that God works in purposeful, even though we don't understand it, ways. I think mysterious ways too, but more so direct and intentional.

My friend asked how I was and I said- you want the long or short version- and he said let me hear the long because I am just really not wanting to focus on my life issues right now. So, in a 5 minutes spiel, I told him of the past events for the last 4 months. And then he said, I can totally understand. My sweet friend had just had his world rocked by his girlfriend breaking up with him- via text message- last night. He had been ring shopping; they dated for a year and a half. He could have called anyone in Georgia, but he chose to call me. Now you explain that. I know it is because God used my story to help my friend.

I talked to him about everything that I have learned on my own, telling him nothing anyone says is going to help, how sucky it is going to be, and that the only thing that you can rely on is Scripture. I even shared some of the verses God has shown me through all of this- and he said you don't know how much this helps. I shared Ephesians 3:30, Philippians 1:6, and Jeremiah 29:11-14. My friend had recently quit his big time railroad job because he wasnt happy, and waited 6 or 7 months to look for a new job. He just started managing a pizza place, and then the breakup happened last night. He really has nothing in Indiana. A few friends, maybe you can count them on one hand, no family, and no career.

So what do you think I told him to do? Pack it up and move it home. I told him there was no reason for him to stay there and the only way to get over the breakup was to get away from it, because being around it and all the things that remind you of it, don't help (from experience). (I did tell him before he left that he had to stop by the Vera Bradley outlet in Ft. Wayne and pick me up a few things!) And he said, after a good chuckle, because he knows my Vera request was real, he said, I just needed someone to tell me that. I needed to hear it from someone, and I am so glad you called me.

Friends, (readers), God is real. I havent talked to this friend in a LONG time- and God made him call me, of all his friends at home- because he wanted someone to be real with him. The frustration of my breakup and all my mishaps of life lately, were turned around into a blessing for someone else. All my disappointments and struggles and tears, helped someone else who is going through the same thing. I am not taking any credit for talking my friend down, it is only God who did that. I just got to be a witness.

Think about all your messups, all of the things in your life that have truly exasperated you, all the things that you were like "Really God?" or "Are you kidding me? Not now". Think about all the things you cried over. Or maybe even shook your fist at. Maybe it is frustrations with your family. A fight with a long time friend. Not getting what you wanted, like getting pregnant or losing a baby. It might be making a big ol' mess out of something that was so simple. It could be giving up everything to start a new life, only to have nothing seem to pan out. It might be the death of someone too soon, or a life altering event. Divorce. Moving. Failing a big academic test. Whatever your frustrations are, I can tell you that God, if we allow him to, uses the things that set us off, and turns it around for a blessing for someone else. We may never see these blessings with our own eyes, or hear about it with our own ears, generations later may reap the benefit of our struggles- BUT God is still at work. Even when it feels like we are in the middle of a tornado and the world is spinning by us, God still has his hand in our lives.

Take time today to thank God for the frustrations in your life that have drawn you closer to him, and use your story to bless others.

It happens in a blink

From where I was to what I am- by far this has been one of the most emotional years of my life. I am not sure what to make of it. I think I am ok, then I am slowly reminded when I am alone that I am not.

I saw a good friend and coworker of mine yesterday while I was walking Mowgli, a different route, another divine appointment. We talked about work, life, and Easter. Jamaal has always been a great friend of mine and I know he is a genuine friend who truly cares about me. We caught up for a few minutes then he headed in for his night shift with Public Safety. I sweated it out and walked all over downtown Milledgeville.

I took the key out of my shoe to open my door once I got home, and up pulls Jamaal in his cop car. We talk a little while, not even 6 minutes. He tells me he is sorry, because he feels like I have been disappointed by him, and I tell him that I haven't. I tell him all about the past weeks events and how I am just so confused, and he just reminds me to stay in prayer. It is at this moment a tear streams down my left cheek and I hastily wipe it away so there won't be more. Only true friends can remind you of this, because they understand they don't have or know the words to tell you for your situation, but they understand that never losing communication with God is the only answer to all of your problems. Jammal left and went back to patrol; I went inside and sat at the bottom of my stairwell and cried.

Muffled sobs and eyes overwhelmed. I do not even know where or what this was from, but I just know it hurt. I sat there 10 minutes just crying. Sobbing, with my face in my hands, coming up every now and again for a real breath.

I forced myself to continue working out. My walk had just lasted about an hour- though it doesn't seem like much, it was all uphill and long and hot. I did a butt (weird typing that) back and biceps workout for another 45 minutes. I then made myself dinner: pork zucchini tacos and 3 strawberries with caramel cream. Then showered, did some computer time, then headed upstairs to blow dry my hair.

And it happened again. Do you know how hard it is to blow dry your hair and cry at the same time? It kinda defeats the purpose. My face was wrenched in a particularly ugly way, and my hair was as big as Texas. After I finished drying my Marge Simpson hair, I got in the bed and just laid there and cried some more. I can't explain this, no matter how hard I try. Something was tugging on my heart, and I don't know why it bothered me to this point. I read my friend's blog about her insomnia and I desperately wished that was my problem, that I had to much going on in my mind to wind down, instead of too much going on in my heart. I laid my head on one pillow in the middle of the bed and pulled the other pillow over my face, and just cried it out until I finally got control of my breathing and fell asleep.

 I don't understand, I don't feel ok, and I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. If answers weren't like searching for a needle in a haystack, I might find some comfort and resolution. I am certainly hoping that the "more" I am looking for, shows up soon. And if it doesn't, my hearts prayer is that God reveals his perfect purpose to me.

Making the most out of something

Lately, I have not just FELT like a complete failure, I have lived it out. Everything I seem to do somehow has backfired in my face and just left a big ol mess. Literally- everything I have touched this month has gone to crap. I'm not sure why, but I just seem to have to worst luck ever. I thought I was a very detailed person, I am realizing I am the most oblivious to details ever. Here is a recap of my week.

Lets pick up on Wednesday: I teach college class at church. I like teaching, although I dont really think I am that great at it. Not only did anyone in my class NOT even speak to me (minus the 2 new ones), um, 2 people just came to church for dinner then skipped class. Makes you feel awesome you know? I am just struggling with trying to be effective and serving a purpose in this class- and nothing is seeming to give. Maybe I am a terrible teacher. Maybe I am boring. Maybe the people in my class really just dont like me- or the things I have to say. Maybe it is awkward being in my class. Maybe I dont know enough about what I am talking about and that bothers people. Maybe they have picked up on that I can't seem to make eye contact when I am in Sunday School or class on Wednesdays. Whatever it is- I am just struggling with this class right now. I want to be used for the greater good of the advancement of the Kingdom, but I am falling short. Real short.

Thursday: Worked on my never ending grant proposal, got my hair highlighted (one person has noticed, kinda a bummer, but I just take it as it still looks natural and Im ok with that), and then had a FANTASTIC dinner with my 2 grandparents at their home in Wilkinson County. They pulled out the works for me, and I am so grateful that people really do love me- especially in times of needing to actually feel like I am liked or loved. Salad, baked potato, CRAB cakes, perfect yeast rolls, and STEAK. It was like heaven. (PS, I have eaten more meat this week than I have since December, missing being vegan, but appreciating a good piece of beef!) After dinner, I was called to do some doctoring of a foot injury. At least I am good for something I guess.

That night- oh that night is when it all just went astray. I found a pair of Masters tickets online, went through a really long and odd process of communicating with the man- sent him money and was expecting my tickets for Saturday. Expedited and insured. Saw a picture- talked to the man, legit. So it seemed.

Friday- got some of my friends to spray tan, worked on my grant tediously, picked up a new pair of shorts for a friend, and got 4 new pairs of shoes. That was a good day. In bed by 1030.

Saturday. Oh Saturday, the day it all fell apart. After waking up at the crack of dawn, I got ready and waited for my special delivery. And waited. And waited. They were guaranteed to be there Saturday am by 1030am. My friend had come to wait with me. Wait wait wait- jumping up at the sound of every truck that passed hoping it was FedEx. Fedex never came and neither did my tickets. I had to file a police report and realize that a LOT of money just went down the drain. I teared up and choked in my voice talking to my friend, because I had wanted to give a nice day to him, and then it never happened. I got his hopes up only to drop them and crush them into tiny shattered dreams of not going to the Masters.

Insert making the most out of something. My friend could have gone and done anythign else he wanted that day. He didnt have to hang out with me, there was no obligation or real need to spend the day with me now that the Masters dream had been ruined. But- he chose to not dwell in the crappy situation and said we were going to Atlanta. And in a moment, I was reminded that you can't control somethings. Off to the PGA Tour Superstore we went- and it was just the beginning of a wonderful day.

After spending some time trying on various clothes, we left with an awesome new outfit and I even bought him a new hat to match since I felt like I had let him down. We then went to Dave and Busters, Pirate's Cove golf and headed up the road to the Cheesecake Factory. I can tell you it was a wonderful blessed day. We had so much fun just hanging out and doing fun things. Dinner was amazing and so delicious! We came home and that was it.

The day was ruined by being scammed online, but choosing to make the most out of what we were given was a true blessing from God himself. My friend knew I was going to sit around and cry all day, but he chose to make it better for me and I am so glad he did.

Make the most out of what you are given, and maybe you will be surprised like I was.

Magnitude

Ponder over this word for a moment. Magnitude.

I was somewhere at the Freedom Church Easter Play the other day and had the idea for this post. Obviously I didn't post it when I thought of it- because I really wanted to understand to the fullest extent what that word means and entails.

Magnitude.

You might think of a Richter scale to measure the size of an earthquake. I also think of something in a large capacity. Something really big. But- not just big in size. The complete essence of that thing is far more greater than what you can actually see of it.

As I watched this beautiful performance, that I had seen a few times before, this word came in to my mind. God was slowly reminding me, or maybe teaching me for the first time about the magnitude of the cross. When I say teaching me the first time, maybe I mean allowing me to see the cross in its fullest capacity, the essence of cross itself is far more greater than what we can see. The magnitude that it carries brought about emotions in me that I haven't really thought about. It is so much bigger than any other historic event to ever take place on this planet.

I am kind of a history nerd and I like to visit historic sites and learn about life the way it was long ago. I don't study it, I just like to learn about it and make trips out of my learning.

Think about it. Wars have shaped the founding and demise of countries. Illnesses have wiped out nations. Catastrophic climate changes have changed the face of the earth forever. Sailing to the depths of the end of the earth brought about new establishments and trade endeavors. This cross and this man- literally changed the course of LIFE forever.

I don't know where you stand in relation to the cross, but my earnest prayer for you is that you stand up for it to show you won't back down on your faith; to stand behind it and know that the Lord is leading you, even when you have no hope; to kneel before it and come to the feet of it and worship the Almighty True and One King; and to stand in absolute awe of it. What this man, Jesus, did for you and me on that cross so many years ago has a HUGE magnitude about it. He took your place. He took my place. Every drop of his blood was shed on and with purpose. Purpose to defeat not only death and the grave, but to defeat the sin that we commit. To cover ALL of my wrongs, even the ones I run to in the secret. To perfect me to be able to even come close to the cross. To allow me to stand before my Creator and truly experience worship in its purest form. His blood was not spilled on accident- he chose this death for me- and for you- and for generations to come.

Tomorrow is Good Friday. I'm sure people wonder why it is called "Good" when something so terrible, so outlandishly awful, so repulsive, so intense and horrific happened, but I say unto you- it is good because you and I now have direct access to God. Christ took on fullness of man- while still exhibiting fullness of God- to pardon sin- once and for all. It is good because I have a Savior- who loves me just as I am- no matter what I have done. He takes me in his arms and says to me "I love you, even when- even when no one else does dear child. You are mine. No one can take that from you". It is Good Friday, because what happened on Sunday is amazing- and good always precedes better. Mother Goose said "Good, Better, Best never rests until Good be Better and Better Best". Though not some grammaticaly correct statement, it is pure truth. Our sins were nailed to the cross (good); Christ died a shameful death to conquer death for me and you (better) and Praise the Lord he ROSE AGAIN on Sunday (best). He is LIVING BREATHING God! He is Alive, and I am forever grateful he chose me.

Today and Tomorrow, realize the magnitude of what Jesus did on the cross, in the grave, and through his Resurection.

Been a While.. Get ready for an unload

I have been anticipating  dreading known about this day for a long time. Three months actually. The day my world turned upside down I knew that three months from then, now today, I would put the words to a Kelly Clarkson song as my Facebook status. Kelly Clarkson is my all time favorite artist. This sounds so lame to you I am sure, but if one thing has helped my heart and mind the past 3 months- it has been the lyrics of this girl's songs. Not just the lyrics, but the raw emotion she has and the roller coaster of disappointments- and her overcoming a broken heart.

So here goes: everything that I have felt or wanted to say to you but just didn't know how. I may never say these words out loud, but they are going to get out of me- because 3 months of them being in me is too long. I either get over you, like you so have for me, or I sit here and wait til forever to never come true. Either way- something has to give- and I am giving up this crap that has been inside of me. It isn't meant to hurt you or put you down- it's sole intention is to just clear my head from the darkness that has engulfed it, to free my eyes from the gushes of warm water that come out at any given time of the day, and not so much for the pieces to be put back together, but for me to realize that pieces can still be used for a bigger picture.

Kelly Clarkson- Sober, with my comments added:And I don't know This could break my heart or save me
Nothings real Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

It is astonishing how one month I am clinging to what I thought was "it", then just a few short weeks later, like an atomic bomb blows up everything in its path, I am in absolute shock that my world has come crashing down around me. I have held on to you- even though you were finished well before the actual day. I can't bring myself to throw away our pictures. My friends have said to shut you out completely, but I don't have the willpower to do that. I don't know how to let go completely. It is still weird to go places that we used to go together- like the Farmer's Market and the guy asking me "where is your ..." or just shopping in general. Break me or save me. Break most assuredly. I have never had this emotion, this mindset, this disappointment ever in my life. It sucks to cry yourself to sleep. It also sucks having to see you and your "perfect" life without me in it..every few days. Three times a week to be exact. I had no idea I made you so miserable and that I was keeping you from having a life, because you are certainly a much more happier person now. It is a hard pill to swallow thinking that someone is your "everything", when in turn you are "nothing" to them. I didn't know memories of me were so easy to extinguish. I have come to understand the word "miss" in a whole new way. I have missed things I used to complain about, I have missed things I didn't think I cared about, and I have missed just the sheer presence of you. It is really scary being in this position. I don't like it one bit.

To me, I thought that this was part of the plan- the next steps of my life. Imagine all of the dreams I once had of being in love with your best friend, spending a lifetime together and making memories as sweet colorful bubbles freshly blown out of a bubble wand. So picture perfect in the light, bubbles don't have flaws and their reflection casts out more beautiful images. The more bubbles, the happier the place. Bubbles can build on other bubbles and grow into bigger ones with a little more effort from your breath. But bubbles don't last forever, just like this didn't either. In an instant they are gone, nothing left but a stick residue and a fleeting memory of once what was there. That is where I am now. A sticky mess.

It is really weird and uncomfortable to be here- in life without my relationship with you. I mean it when I say I don't want to date again and I don't want to get married, not just because of YOU, but because I don't think I could go through this past year's emotions ever again. Falling, literally, in love- a love that I had never experienced, and giving so much time, effort, and learning what it meant to truly truly look upon someone with eyes of sweet love, and then that love being stripped away. I know my heart can't handle doing that again. I had love only for you, and I am convinced that I won't ever be able to give that love to anyone else again. I am ok with that. Three months and I'm still sober. Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers.But I know it's never really over.

It is time I pick the weeds, and just cherish the good times. You seemed to have noticed the weeds long before I did. We did have some amazing times together, and I will always hold them dear to my heart. I know I will never really be "over" you; your impression was far to great to simply be over. Like an elephant stepping into a soggy bog, that is the magnitude of the impression you left on me. A good impression. A solid one. One that will still have presence in my life long after you have married and began a family. Even longer than that, til my time on earth is done. I am so thankful that it happened. I learned a lot and grew more as a person. I haven't cried today, but I shed tears now thinking about how you changed me for good.

And I don't know I could crash and burn but maybe At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me.So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right No comparing, second guessing, no not this time.

I am going to mess up even more. I am going to be in this position of hurt for a while. Everything I do from here on out will be compared to you, whether I mean to or not. I cant second guess your decision. I might not agree with it, but I can't fault you for the way or lack of feelings you have. It is ok. You deserve the best, and I want nothing but the best for you. You work on becoming your best, and know that I am always here as your fan to support you. I need to take my own advice and work on myself, I am just not sure where to start. I don't know what I want to do with my life now that my our plans changed. I don't know what I am passionate about- I don't have a clue what I want to do with this "life" that I now lead alone and I really just don't know where God wants me. But I guess I am just going to have to give all that up and trust that something good will come of this.
Three months and I'm still breathing. Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know It's never really over, no. 


3 months. Such a long time. I am still alive. I am still here. It didn't kill me, though it felt like I couldn't breathe. It has been a long road. I still cry in my hands sometimes. Sometimes I wake up crying. Sometimes when I am in church I cry quietly in prayer time. Sometimes I cry in public at a store. But I hide it. No one needs to see that. It hasn't just gone away for me, and I don't know if it ever will.
Wake up


All I wanted want I don't even know what I want is for this to be a bad dream. But is isn't. It is now my reality. Breathing down on my neck every chance it gets. I just have to learn to be the master of my thoughts, the one in control, not letting the circumstances control me. Three months and I'm still standing here. Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am.

This is it. I still am. I would like to say I'm getting better, but at times it is worse. Lots of emotions, anger, bitterness, self loathing, hurt, shame, misery, disappointment- the list could go on and on. But here is the thing. I am still here. Again, some kind of purpose must be at work, because I still am.Three months and it's still harder now.Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months.


Yup. It hasn't gotten any easier. I have just learned to just take it for what it is. This line says it all. Here without you is so hard. Constantly I find myself wanting to buy things for you or pick up stuff and try to buy it without realizing what I have done. So many things remind me of you and that gets overwhelming at times. You come up in every conversation. I did this with.. Oh .. got me this.. .. would do this.. ... liked these..on and on and on and on. Funny, because I am 100% sure that never happens to you. If I could get my heart of fantasy to line up with my head of reality, I would be in a much better state. I just question everything. Why wasn't I good enough, What could I have done better, Was there anything real there in the first place, Was this how it was meant to be, blah. It is quite draining.

Three months and I'm still breathing.Three months and I still remember it.Three months and I wake up.

Not something to easily wipe a slate clean of. This isn't wasn't some teenage love saga. For me, it was as real as it gets. It is still gonna hurt down the road, and I am learning to be ok with that. I take it for what it is and appreciate that my life would be completely different and dark had I never dated you. I'm grateful for the love you gave.
Three months and I'm still sober. Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

The time has come to end this post. Hold on to the things that were exciting and beautiful. Let the ugly parts fade. Thank you for what was and for choosing me to share that time in your life with. I hope you have many more full blossom flowers in your future and that you don't let weeds spoil your garden of good things.