Some Things Never Change

I have just spent the last 2 hours...roughly.. looking at all of my tagged photos on Facebook. HOLY GEEZE. Are you kidding me? No wonder I never got asked out. Gross. Here is a list of things that haven't changed at all- over the course of many years...

1. If I don't have a tan- I look really scary gross. My gosh- like for real I didnt know it was that bad- but it is. Thankfully- I have access to spray tans now!
2. I will never ever ever cut my hair above my shoulder blades EVER again. Ohh. Fat cheeks and short hair don't mix.
3. Blonde is not my best look. Eeek.
4. One of three things is going to mess up my pictures: my eyes, my neck, or my posture in general. My eyes are always squinted ( I guess because my smile is SO freaking large), me neck is always bent at the wrong angle- and clearly I dont know how to stand up or sit down in pics.
5. My smile is always huge- sometimes too big. Scary big. I knew I had big teeth- but my gums are just huge. 
6. I am pretty dramatic in most of my action shots- like overly dramatic.

Its hard to believe Facebook was invented in my day. Spring of 2005. I will never forget it. UGA got it before us and there were rumors going around that thing new website was so awesome it was making students skip class. What kind of website is this we thought? We finally got it- about a month later- and I can tell you I never skipped class- but I dang sure spent HOURS on this site adding errrybody and they brother. Joining every group possible. It was madness. 

I have changed so much. My weight has changed the most- good grief. Yikes- that workout plan has to be stepped up so I don't go back to where I have been.I can't believe the girl in these pictures is who I was so long ago. 

I am reminded that when I look back on these memories- my heart is full of joy. It doesnt matter how pasty white you might be- it doesnt matter that your smile blocks out everyone else in the picture- it certainly doesnt matter what length my hair is- and most importantly it doesnt matter what clothes were in style (because I am convinced I had the worst style in college and right when I got my job)- what matters is who you surround yourself with. I have untagged many a photo- from the all endearing photos of me and exes- from the photos that are really really awful- to the ones that no one really needs to see. Memories. 

I am grateful for seasons. I have written about this before - but I am grateful to look back on my seasons and be reminded that some things don't have to change. 

Frustrations in Part

Wow, it has been an incredibly long time since I put my 2 cents in on here. I can honestly say it has been for one of two reasons: I am incredibly lazy and have been enjoying some sweet time with my boyfriend, family, and friends.

So here I sit. At my desk on my lunch time. Pondering the vast complexities of life and wondering where I fit in the grand scheme of things, if I even fit at all.

My 28th birthday just passed. What? Did that really just come out of my mouth? Let me give you a fair warning: once you turn 25- it is all REALLY fast moving and gone after that birthday. I had one of the best birthdays ever- this side of my twenties (because a couple of my younger bdays were pretty awesome at McDonalds and Hardees. Oh- and a surprise pizza one for like my 10th). Ha- but really- I set out to have the week designated for me- and had a lot of help from that guy who has my heart. From lots of gifts, dinners, and even a trip to the beach for 4 days- this one will go down in the books as awesome. 

I have been thinking a lot lately about who I use to be- where I have came from- and where I am now. Not so much as to where I am going, because if you know me- I sometimes have this bad fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants attitude, and I just can't plan that far in advance- because life changes so much. 

These are are few things I have learned in my 28 years. 

Learn only to take advice that is scriptural. If it doesn't come from the Bible (or from people who regularly read the Bible) or point you to the Bible, it isn't going to hold much water or change your life that much. (Proverbs 12:5 The plans of the righteous are just, but the advice of the wicked is deceitful).

Time changes everything. It will change you, even if you think you can avoid it. Not just the physical attributes, but also the network of who you really are on the inside. Your opinions and ideals soon scratch more than the surface. There are appointed times for a variety of emotions, feelings, disasters, happiness, comfort, letdowns and disappointments, and renewedness in your life. Accept them and learn from each one. (Ecclesiastes 3)

Life here on this earth is very temporary- even if you can't see past your twenties into the horrible abyss called your 30s. I would like to say live it up- but instead I say invest in things that matter. Because when push comes to shove- it isnt about all the things you have done and seen- it is about the people you got to do and see those things with. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18) Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.


  The times when you are most desperate, most lonely, most confused, and most hopeless are the times that God will move the most in your life. These are also the times when you should go seek for him most. God moves the most in our deserts, there ain't much need for change in the oasis. Remind yourself of this when you get comfortable- always be on the hunt for more of Jesus and less of you. (Psalm 63:1-3 You, God, are my God,

earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you,in a dry and parched land where there is no water.; Proverbs 14:32 When calamity comes, the wicked are brought down, but even in death the righteous seek refuge in God.; John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world; 1 John 4:4 You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.")



What people hear about you is what they will believe about you. That whole he said she said yo momma said..story gets twisted and people believe what others tell them- not what they see. So, live your life so that when they run their mouth about you, nothing but goodness can come of it. (Titus 2:8 "and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us").   Those are some simple, but true facts that have taken me 28 years to fully learn, understand, and put into practice. I hope you look over your life today- whether you are 18, 28, 48, 68, or 88 and realize the need to make the most out of what you have been entrusted with on this earth.

Late night heavy heart

 I know I said I would post about my family vacation yesterday, but I am lazy and this topic will not let me rest until I get it out of my head and off of my chest and in to written form. 


My facebook status says "In light of recent events and news headlines from today, one thing I can't help but think: You can have all this world, but give me Jesus." This is an ah-mazing song by Jeremy Camp that I find true joy in singing. At the top of my lungs. When I really sit and think about all the evil that has manifested itself in our society and how things have gone really wrong- I find that all I want to do is cling to Jesus. The things of this world will soon pass away- yet what are we left with? I know that I will be left with Christ. A sinless Savior who saw all of this crap from a throne on high- and chose to come down here and get rid of all the wrong in me so that I could experience true life and live for a purpose. The headlines just keep coming with more and more things that makes my heart uneasy. This is not going to be a political post. It isnt my "viewpoint" or things I support that I am afraid of saying - because I know what I believe and why I believe it- and it has nothing to do with a "party". I am not the best at politics because I honestly don't watch enough tv to know what the heck is going on. This post is SO much more than that. I hope the way I write it makes sense. I am not trying to offend you, if you read this and it strikes a cord in your thoughts- then it has served its purpose to engage your thinking past what is presented to you in the media and the world around you.


 My heart breaks for where this country is today. We are so caught up in all the wrong things as a society that we forfeit the things that matter- the ones that really have bearing and lasting impressions- to hold on to things that are not going anywhere. 


There has got to be something more, Sugarland brought that line to us. There honestly has to. Oh I wish our country could have this merky veil lifted from its eyes to see that all of this is not it. All of these things are nothing happy- They bring hurt and anger and a whole slew of other emotions.


I can tell you what it is though: It is Christ. It is Jesus. If you hold to the notion that more of Jesus is the last thing this country needs- oh I am positive that you are more in the wrong that you could ever be in the right. I honestly cant put in to words what I am feeling right now. I have so so much to say- but the words wont form. I stood at my sink in the bathroom for over an hour just thinking about how my heart hurts for the lost and the confused- and the wronged and the broken- and the inconsiderate and evil- and the ones who make it a point to be the center of attention at all the wrong times- and for those who have said hateful words or made it a point to discontinue friendships and ties with people- and for those who just dont know the truth. These are a few of the thoughts that keep playing in my mind:


As it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgement (KJV) Just as people are destined to die once, and after that to face judgement (NIV) Hebrews 9:27 One life. One death. It really is YOLO- and that is biblical, maybe with a ghetto tweak, but read that verse again and know that this is it. You only get one life.  And then you will face your Creator- whether you believe in him or not- and be judged for the life you have lived. Praise God that he is the judge and we are not- because we don't know the true essence of grace (getting what you dont deserve)


^{1 Kings 8:46-51} “When they sin against you—for there is no one who does not sin —and you become angry with them and give them over to their enemies, who take them captive to their own lands, far away or near; ⁴⁷ and if they have a change of heart in the land where they are held captive, and repent and plead with you in the land of their captors and say, ‘We have sinned, we have done wrong, we have acted wickedly’; ⁴⁸ and if they turn back to you with all their heart and soul in the land of their enemies who took them captive, and pray to you ... ⁴⁹ then from heaven, your dwelling place, hear their prayer and their plea, and uphold their cause. ⁵⁰ And forgive your people, who have sinned against you; forgive all the offenses they have committed against you, and cause their captors to show them mercy;⁵¹ for they are your people and your inheritance...


Those verses speak for themselves. We have got to change. We have to repent and plead with God. We have to turn back- turn our eyes from evil things- cast down our idols. And Pray. Seems so simple, but it is evident that our country isnt doing this enough. 


Isaiah 30:18 Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!


God will bring compassion- and justice- and blessings-if we go seek him. 


Psalm 33:12 Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD, the people he chose for his inheritance. 
You want things to be different in this country and have headlines and news stories that create a sense of community and love and happiness? Then I suggest we get some God up in here. Right now. This nation's god is not God. It is time we changed that. This nation will never be blessed until we do.

Keep your coins, I just want change

Change is the essence of dealing with life. We learn to adapt in different situations, move forward to better ourselves and our circumstances, and make decisions that cause life altering effects.

Change is never easy. Is is also never the first thing we gravitate to. We get stuck in our comfort bubbles- sometimes they are more like igloos because we have shut out change for a while- and we refuse to make any changes to where we are in life. Sometimes even- we know that there has to be changes made in order for life to go on, yet we are still resistant to it.

Why does it hurt so bad- even when we know that is the best choice? Why do we resist it? I can't speak for you, but I can tell you my "change" story.

It is really hard to admit that you I dont have all the answers- even more so to admit that you  arent I am not  as awesome as you I think you are I am. Oh how change hurts. Hurts to the core. Shakes your soul and rattles your very being when you say "ok, something's gotta give."

Sometimes More often than I would like to admit I make really rash decsions. I decide this is how it is going to be and I have to do it NOW in order to be happy. This attitude never gets me very far. It usually comes around and bites me in the butt when I do this. e.g. like spending my money on materials instead of saving or here's a bright idea: paying bills.

There are times when your definition of change doesnt match up to how the change should take place in your life. i.e. changing your hair color because you need some change in your life. I was SO guilty of this in college. Every semester I had a new cut and color. Every semester. Until my junior year summer. I realized that no matter what color my hair was, I was still a loud speak your mind laugh out loud at the wrong times girl. If I needed change so much, I was going to have to dig into the character wardrobe and don on some new attitiudes if I wanted to be different. Im not knocking hair coloring- trust me I think it is awesome, and sometimes it gives a temporary change that is an awesome feeling- but not the kind of change Im talking about :)

Sometimes we have to have change to just breathe. A dear friend of me told me a few weeks ago "If nothing changes- nothing changes." Sounds like a crazy saying- but think about it. If you arent willing to give up somethings- your situation will be exactly the same as what is is now. No differences. Nothing new. Same old same old. In order to live life to its fullest and brightest capacity- you have to make some changes in your life.

Sometimes that is severing friendships that you have had for extended periods of time because you realize you dont and wont ever see eye to eye in this relationship. Maybe it is a new job- or new adventure in life. Other times change might come in the form of your my stone cold heart being chipped away to allow others in and goodness to flow out.

Change hurts. If it didnt- we would have no need for therapists, counselors, mentors, and friends. But- sometimes that hurt and the fear of the unknown is what drives us to pursue that change. And in the end result- we see that although it hurts, it was for our best that we had to go through with it.

Dont know where to start but know you desperately need change in your life and in your heart? I encourage you to turn to Ephesians 4:23: (CEV) Let the Spirit change your way of thinking. You won't be able to do this on your own- trust me. And if you do decide you got this- Rest assured you dont.

I have made some major changes in my life in the past few months, weeks, and even yesterday. Changes that hurt and made me cry- question everything I know- and really cherish memories. And you know what- I'm still here. Though I thought some things wouldve shouldve killed me- it didnt. Because change is part of life. I hope you make the changes you need to make to be the best you were created to be.

The time has finally come



Sr Prom 2002, Im in the red on the right

 

Sr year Softball

 Today marks a special bittersweet time in my life. Tonight, I celebrate my TEN year high school class reunion with my class of 2002, as well as the class of 2001, and 2000. As I sit here with anticipation to see people I haven't seen since they graduated, I want to reflect on what all has happened in the past 10 years of my life. My gosh that is a TERRIBLY long time. It is hard to believe May 21, 2002 I was wearing a white gown and turning my red and gray tassel with my classmates. So, sit back and read where my life has taken me since graduation from John Hancock Academy.



March 2003, Texas





1. I started college at GCSU in August 2002. A day after I had turned 18. All of my friends went every where but here. It was ok though, I made tons of new friends through BSU. I had a lot of ups and downs with academics, but finally found my calling my Jr year in Health Education. I was blessed to be able to travel to Alabama, Texas, Washington D.C., Grand Cayman, Montego Bay Jamaica, Cozumel, St. John, St. Marteen, St. Thomas,  Hilton Head, Jekyll Island, Marietta, Chattanooga, Asheville, Virginia, Connecticut, and Boston.

2. I graduated in Spring of 2006, on time, in four years. I was the first to graduate out of my class of 10. I graduated with a Bachelor's of Science in Health Education: Community Health and Human Services.



1st Time to NY, BFF Rachel, host pastor





July 4th 2002, CT

3. I spent an entire summer as a summer missionary in Wallingford CT. This is probably one of the best summers of my life to this date. I met my best friend/twin Rachel there and we have been inseparable since. I worked at a sweet little church, White Oak Baptist, and had the best 10 weeks I could ever ask for. I visited New York for the first time and loved it.





4. I came home from CT and got my first BIG girl job in September of 2006 at GCSU, my old stomping grounds. I have been in the same position for 5.5 years now. I feel like I have improved, but have so so much more to learn.

 5. Back up just a bit- to college- Senior year- October 26th 2005. I tore my ACL, lateral meniscus and MCL in a class for school by being tripped playing basketball. I had surgery in December 2005, May 2006, and December 2010. My knee will never be the same. I can honestly say this is one thing I wish would have never happened in my life.



Catching a HUGE glob of confetti



6. I went back to CT for Christmas/New Year's and had one of the best life experiences ever: I was in TIMES SQUARE FOR NEW YEAR'S! So close to the stage I could see Ryan Seacrest's teleprompter.



 7.  I started Graduate school in 2007. It was challenging and overwhelming at times, but it was worth it.

8. I got a dog in 2007 as well. Mowgli Diana to be exact. From the moment I saw her big ol head and tiny little body come out of the towel she was in, I was in love. This dog has been my heart. I love her more and more each day.



9. I have moved every year or year and a half for the last 5 years. Wait- more than that. I moved out from home my Winter Jr year and lived in a BIG house (Party Palace) and got paid to live there til August of my Sr year. Then I had to move to (cynder block castle) downtown. I graduated and moved home for 2 weeks, left for CT, moved home for 2 months. Then Julie and I shared a brand new townhouse downtown, (The Ritz). She left me to finish clinicals, so I moved to a 1 bedroom on Tatnall near the bridge, (The Love Shack). Then, I moved to a brick house on Harrington (um, I guess I didnt have a name for this one). Then, lastly I have moved to the towns again, but a nicer updated one. And now, I am faced with moving again- but have no idea where to. It is kinda scary.



10. My dad got cancer in 2008. It was one of the hardest times in my life, but God provided and brought him through all the mess and he is cancer free today. Praise the Lord!

11. I graduated with my Master's of Education in 2009. I am the 1st again of my class to graduate with one of these. Only 1 other person in my class has one. I guess it is a big deal. GCSU also paid for this, huge blessing.



Croatia, Plitvice Lakes



12. I spent 3 week studying abroad in Croatia in 2009 and had THE TIME OF MY LIFE. It was the most beautiful place ever. I made some really good friends because of this trip and want to fill my passport up.



Vegas, My 25th

13. Because of my job, I have traveled to Savannah twice, Vanderbilt, Clemson and USC, Atlanta, New Jersey, New York, and Orlando. All for free, except my outside fun.

14. I have also traveled to High Point and Charlotte NC, Charleston  & Hilton Head SC, Tybee, Savannah and Atlanta GA, Panama City, Port St. Joe, Mexico Beach, Tampa, Fort Walton Beach and somewhere else in the Gulf in Florida, Vegas, Nassau and Freeport Bahamas.

15. I got another dog in Fall of 2010. My sweet spotted ball of energy never stopping chew up everything Winnie Vera. This dog was special. Mowgli and her were quickly best friends and loved like sisters. She was taken too soon in January of 2012 and my heart winces every time I think about her. My eyes fill with tears even now as I type. I miss her a whole whole lot.

16. A list of all my jobs during college: 1st job: Animal Rescue Foundation, ew. Scooping poop is not for me. 2nd Job: Kid's Exchange: neighbor's owned a shop downtown to resell children's clothes, so I worked there a while. 3rd job, that took me right up from Freshman year to Junior year: Babysitting a Professor's kids. Started out with a 3 month old baby boy and then gained his sister when they started homeschooling her. It was an easy job, miss that money. 4th job: Youth Minister at Darien Baptist Church. 5th job: Protective Financial Services: gopher and mail person. 6th internship at Heartworks in Macon, so couldnt work. 7th job: Belk- started out in accesories and wound up at Estee Lauder. LOVED this job, considering going back. 7th job: GCSU. Wow that is a lot for 4 years.

As I sit here and try to think more about the last 10 years, I can't really come up with anything else. Here are the stats for my class of 10 right now:

All are still alive, so that is a blessing.5 are married. 5 have kids, just one has a kid not married. 1 has been through a divorce, but remarried. 6 went to college, 2 went to technical school, 2 have Master's degrees. 1 lives out of state, the rest are all in central and east GA. Everyone has jobs: 1 is construction, 1 is something big time at a bank, 1 is in fashion marketing/sales, 2 are teachers, 1 is an ultra-sound tech, 1 works in the gas industry, 1 works at a local store, 1 I honestly dont know, but know they work, and then me.

High school wasn't all that pretty for me. I didn't fit in- and it wasn't my choice school. But, tonight I will sit back and be reminded that was 10 years ago. I will hang out with people that I haven't seen in years. I will hear old stories and laugh at the times we were young and dumb. I will cherish the 10 years I have been given since my days at JHA. So here's to the class of 2002, I hope we can all have another 10 years (and more) and that we use our time in high school as a stepping stone to achieve only the best dreams in life.



2002





June 1, 2012



My New Talent

Can you guess it? I have made mention of things on here that I am not talented at, but I have reached the conclusion that I have found it. It wasn't anything I had to ask others opinion about. No one told me about it. 

No- making big hair bows and tulley tutus is not it. Haha- no not crafting. Not decorating either. Not drawing or sketching, like I once thought when I was little. It is not even cooking like my momma wishes it would be. It is not talking-as I have felt since Junior year of college- nope that is not the big daddy of them. It isn't makeup artistry either. Nope- it isn't being healthy either. Guess again. There are some things that I am ok/good/average/enough to get by at, but this one thing keeps coming up as being a success. Not to brag- I don't even have to try that hard, and it always works.

It just came up one day- out of the blue I guess. No- wait. It has always been present, I guess I just finally realized it the other day. 
Finally revealing itself to me- and I must say, I was astonished. At first I thought, no, this can't be it, but the more I tried, oh the better I did get at it. And have gotten at it. And now I am confident of it. There is no denying it.

Think you have the right guess? Here it is- come close-
Letdowns. Disappointment. Bomb. Fiasco. Disaster. Botch. Catastrophe. Failure.

Yes- I am 100% successful at failing or ruining things all of the time. Here is the recap of the week:

Saturday-Hiking- fall on a large rock, now have large ugly nasty abrasion that will leave an even prettier scar
Sunday- not choosing the right words with people, strained relationships
food poisoning- get to goal weight, then blow it out of the water by eating enough sweets (Monday and Tuesday) to send a diabetic into a coma. For a week.
Tuesday- softball. Oh glorious softball. No hits, complete embarrassment. Pay money to improve hitting- don't make contact one time. Out of 4 tries.
Wednesday- Send out email for work, get a few heated ones back about is this really my job and that I should be educating our students, not creating insecurities in them.
No workouts and no eating healthy this week. Awesome. I had peanut butter m&ms for dinner last night (but that is solely justified since I took myself to the movies alone). And for breakfast this morning. No justification there.

You see? I don't know why I didn't see it before, but now I do, plain as day. Count on me to mess it up. Count on me to not come through.
I have a lot of flaws, a lot. I have a lot of learning to do. I also have to remind myself that this too shall pass. Proverbs 24:16 "for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again," I have had my seven times, maybe more this week. But I can't stop there. The end of that verse says they rise again. The Falcons aren't the only ones who will be rising up this year.
Your true character is who you are when no one is watching. I am certainly going to try and live my life as though others are watching- and rise above my failures and not let them define me.

You haven't seen the last of me Failure Fairy. Sprinkle those mistakes somewhere else. No, you just bring them on, and I will break the wings that you rode in on.

Finally Figured It Out

I have been being true to myself about what I posted on here the other day. I have been keeping quiet and learning to take in things around me instead of reacting to them. The secret life does have its perks. No one knows your business. No one can respond to your thoughts/opinions inappropriately, and no one can judge you because you have been quiet.

Interesting. You observe more when you remain in the quiet. I have also come to realize that you don't get weighed down as much, because you just have your problems to deal with, not anyone else's. Recluse. I might take this on for a while. It's funny though- people notice when you go from being one way to another- or I should at least say- a few people noticed. Not that I am doing this for anyone but myself, but when someone made a comment about me being "upset kinda off', I almost wanted to smile, because I had finally figured it out. The secret of living not in the open with everyone to gaze into your business- or hear about it because you won't shut up about your life and all the stuff it brings with it.

I am learning that the world is a cruel place. I am also learning that I contribute to the negativity that makes this world cruel. I am also finding out that the world revolving around me will not, has not, nor ever will be.

Last night I did a lesson about "Comeback Kids" from the Bible. People who had/made a big mess with/out of their lives- and God turned their life around for good (Romans 8:28). I read this quote on a forum and it is too good not to share with you.

"Don’t allow yourself to be completely engrossed in that mess. It does not matter where you are or how big a mess your life is today. God has a comeback plan for you. ...Refuse to accept a setback! ...He will preserve your life in order to preserve the purpose for your life."- Valentine Egbudiwe

I have made a bunch of messes in this life. Seems like for the past two years I have made huge messes with friends. I have- and I take owenership of my actions and reactions. God has been so faithful though. The friendships that mattered have been resolved and the ones that didn't/haven't- I have peace about them. 

God has a comeback for me. I do not know what it is- or can't even fathom the comeback he has planned for me, but I know that part of it is living in this secret quiet life. He has brought me this far, because the purpose for my life is still at work. So as I remain in the quiet- pray for me- that I will find my purpose and that this new life will bring about some of the healing that I have been desperately needing.

Vicious vs. Virtuous

In my second post- because the previous one was supposed to be posted last night but my archaic laptop was running so slow I feel asleep waiting for it to load- I want to touch on this phrase that I heard the other day: Vicious versus Virtuous Cycles.

I am not sure why this resonated with my mind, but it set it my neurons on fire for some thinking. What is the difference in these cycles you may ask? To me, a vicious cycle is working at something but it not doing you any good, or getting you any farther than you were. It isn't really producing fruit and really is causing you more harm than you can see.
Virtuous cycle: doing something that could be/is consistent or continuous, but postive changes and positive reinforcement is brought about. You are seeing and producing fruit. You are becoming better through this pattern.

Vicious: Example: A woman who keeps going back to her abusive husband/boyfriend. She cries out in anguish from the struggle, but yet continues to go back to him for affirmation. She thinks she can't get out and has no where else to run, so she goes to the one thing that gives her comfort- even though she knows he is going to hurt her (physically/emotionally).

Another example: People who want  to lose weight and get fit, but don't do anything to change. Someone told me yesterday they had a double cheeseburger and fries for lunch with a diet Coke. Really? Why even drink a diet- so what you are cutting 100 calories for yours drink- you just made them up in what you ate.

Vicious cycles get us no where. What is the thing/s in your life that you know aren't making you a better person- but yet you still can't find reason enough to give it up?
For me lately it has been this mindset of living out "Murphy's Law" and how I can't seem to do anything right. I told my parents they should have named me Murphy- and my dad asked why in a very puzzling response and I said "Because everything that can go wrong- completely goes wrong in my life. Everything I touch turns to crap (unlike good ol' Midas)."

My friends have reminded me that I do have a lot going for me and a lot to be thankful for- I just have a hard time zoning in on those things in the midst of this chaos. But for me to keep negating myself and self worth- and continue to complain about it- just keeps me in this whirlwind of deception. It is a constant battle friends. A battle. An all out war of my mind within itself. "You can't do anything right" "You clearly aren't good enough" "Obviously you weren't even good enough for a memory" "You are never going to do XYZ..." "You are the problem, the common denominator" "Fail' "Fail" "Fail"

Insert Jesus.

Do I not know that the King of Kings has already defeated this battle waging inside of me? Do you not remember the cross my dear child? Do you not realize that Jesus beat Satan and his army of lies- with a stick. Beat him like it was his job?? Did you forget that? The reason why you choose to live in this "vicious" cycle is because you so often forfeit the peace that was given to you- peace that was so overwhelming that it BUSTED out of the grave and is ALIVE in you? Jesus nailed it all to that cross and said “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Can I get an Amen? Seriously, we don't credit Christ enough for his awesome power he instills in us. If Christ overcame the WORLD, dear child, don't you think you can overcome anything the WORLD throws at you?

"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest (Matt.11:28)" I am included in that all, and so are you. It is high time I started living in the virtuous cycle life and I hope you choose to do the same. We have been called to greater things- and greater things are NOT the lies that Satan so easily slips into our mindset and makes us think WE put it there. Jesus gives out peace, comfort, and purpose. He is the author and perfector of virtuous cycles. Why don't we take a few lessons from his book he wrote and use it to be victorious in our lives?

Time..So Much Changes Over Time

Wow. My life is so completely different than it was in May of 2011. So much has changed. I missed blogging. I missed these memories I wanted to keep in written form. I want to do better at that. I want to set a goal to blog at least 3 times a week. Nothing fancy, but a recap. Right now, I'm learning the hard way that life doesn't go at all as we as mortals plan. But, thankfully I serve God, and even though his way hurts sometimes, his way is better than mine. I just have a hard time admitting or wanting that. I read a verse the other day and I want to share it with you. Right now, "you" is empty space, because I know no one reads this. But I will humor myself. "Overhearing what they said, Jesus said 'Don't be afraid, just believe.' Mark 5:36" I am not sure of what you are going through right now- but I can tell you this word speaks comfort. Whether is is monsters under your child's bed, a relationship that ended out of no where, the passing of your beloved pet, uncertainty about the future, or just plain old not having anything to hold on to and feeling alone, Jesus himself said for us to not be afraid. I personally have had ALL of those things happen to me (minus the kid part) in the last month. My perspective on life has truly changed.

If Christ himself said for me to not be afraid, man, that speaks volumes to my lonely heart. Just believe. That is Macy's motto for Christmas "Believe"- and they put that on a huge strung up sign ont he side of the building in New York. Now, their belief is in the magic of Christmas. Thank God I believe in the miracle of Christ. But you see how powerful that belief is??? The things we hold true are the things that will in turn be evident in our lives.

Believe it will happen. Believe God is Sovereign and he does want good things for his children. I heard it said on the radio right after my break up that "you are either going in a storm, inside of a storm, or coming out of one and this is to be expected as Christians". This is so true. God is always refining and sharpening us, maybe even taking away some of the "comforts" of this earth to make us more like him. Does it hurt? Most assuredly. Does it make us feel vulnerable and uneasy? Of course. Is it worth it? To be more Christ-like is always worth it- whether we enjoy the trials or not. I say this, and right now I am in one of the lowest times of my life, but I know that God is faithful- and will never leave me. Even in the midst of my wanderings, God is still there and still in control, regardless of what I try to do to speed up my life or slow it down, God's will is ultimately going to be the one that makes a difference in my life. Not me.

It has been a remarkably hard past 2 months. My heart was broken in places I didnt know it could be broken. I have cried more in the past 2 months than I have in my entire life- i could fill an ocean with my tears. God is working on me, and friend, it hurts, but I have to hold confident that He who began a good work in me will complete it. (Phil 1:6)

I want to share my thoughts even if for my own benefit of release. I hope you find this journey fun, because I know I have to be Bound For More that what my present state is.