Friday 1-3

If you read the other day's post, I hope you know that it blessed my heart. What really makes my heart smile is knowing that SO MANY people care about my happiness. 2 of my best friends have told me so much in the past 3 weeks "I am so happy that you are happy!" and "Oh- you dont know what it does to me to know you are happy again!" and one's husband even said it was good to see me happy again. This my readers- is what a true friendship looks like.

To have friends who get HAPPY when YOU are happy. These friends have been through a lot the past couple of months in their own lives, and for them to take a moment out of their personal dealings to wish and bless happiness over me- wow, it is a feeling I cant really explain. It is so cool to know that you truly are loved. Not like in a sob suck face romance love- but a love that can never be broken because of complete understanding of what it means to be a friend. Proverbs 17:17 says that "A friend loves at all times, a brother is born for a time of adversity". All. Times.

This includes the ups- the downs, and the pick yourself up off the floor times. I am grateful for people who TRULY care about my happiness and never try and negate it and take it away from me. From college ministers, to college friends, to people I really have only met once or twice-to people from my church who I thought hated me, to precious best friends- these people are the ones that have been praying me through this trial. And you will never ever ever ever know how awesome it has been to have these prayers wash over me.

I pray I can be that kind of friend. To share in one's happiness and never strangle it out. To support my dearest friends in THEIR times of need. It is so awesome to know people want the best for you. And that when you get it, a small part of them rejoices on the inside because God is so faithful and they got to share in that blessing with you.

So- today is Friday the 13th. My Granny was REAL superstitious and we could never go see her on one of these days- and she had this sign she would do for black cats- and never split a pole if you were walking with her- and she would never walk under ladders. She was very superstitious. (now you are singing that song). I loved my Granny though- she taught me a lot about life. So- to not jinx the day ;) (she is probably rolling over in her grave now) I want you to know that in your times of need- and in your trials- and in the points where you say- I'm over it- know that your truest of friends are praying for your happiness- and praying your through this time in your life. Never steal someone's happiness or try and steal the spotlight for your own life drama when someone else is going through crap. Be there for them, listen to them, give your opinion in a loving way (sometimes you have to be FIRM) and pray them through it.

True happiness comes when those around you experience happiness. And in the moment you share happiness with another- you find yourself a little more complete than you were yesterday.

Funny.

Funny how life has a way of working itself out. Or- is it that God really is in control of this thing called life and he works it out to our good?

Just a few updates for my life as of lately. This post was started sometime in the end of June...whoops.


1. Bama called last week (Friday 6/29). I can't begin to describe how the emotion of contentment and satisfaction flowed over me when I was talking to the director. She said they offered the position to someone else but was incredibly grateful to have met me and learned a lot from me. This was truly God ordained that I didnt get offered this job. I was ok with not going and so thankful for them taking a chance on me- and spending a lot of time and money on me to get me down there. I learned so much from this experience- about myself and my career. Thank you God, because we both know that Bama wasnt right for me right now.

2. I moved on Friday (6/29). From the "Ritz Carlton" of townhouses to the "Holiday Inn" of places. I have peace about it. I am hoping that it will be an ok place. I like it- I just need more space, but I am going to have to live in the content life again. We need to fix the smell- or the mold if that is there, but so far, it has been ok.

3. Things took a MAJOR turn of events for me over the past 3 weeks (starting 6/21). If you have been following this blog- you know that for the last 6 months- all hell broke lose back in January. Crazy how God works things out- better than you could ever plan or imagine. I can finally admit how bad things were. It is ONLY because of the sheer grace of God that I can do this. I might have did post some awful feelings on here. You probably pictured me crying my eyes out and wiping the snot from my nose when you read some of my sob stories. That is all very true. I can admit that I pretty much went off the deep end of a broken heart. I did have eating disorder issues. I did have to go to counseling. I did have to have my boss MAKE me go to counseling. I did cry to my parents every chance I got. I did lose ALL self confidence and self worth. I did get stupid jealous of people for no reasons. I did only apply to Bama to get the heck away from all of this. I did not care about anything. I did wish hurt on people, just so they would feel what I was feeling. I did make a lot of mistakes. I did fill up the last 3 months with a person I shouldnt have, since they broke my heart. I did make dumb decisions based on temporary feelings- praise the Lord they weren't permanent. I did act like a hamster on a wheel and just ran and ran and ran and never went anywhere because I was too afraid of change. I did lose it. I did talk about this like it was my child and bore my friends to tears from going on and on and on and on about it. I did make myself miserable.

I did all of this and more- yet God chose to bring me through this in a way that would only make me appreciate the rain because the rainbow I am standing under now is completely perfect. People say you never understand something until you have to go though it own your own. I can attest to this. You have HAVE have to go through bad times in your life to really appreciate the good ones. My bad time lasted 6 months. Even though it couldve been cut short earlier, I know that God wasnt finished with me.

So- pick up to today, July 11, 2012. WHOA. Things are very different. I will admit that I have to eat my words about never dating again and that I was going to spend the rest of my life alone with just me and Mowgli. So, for those of you, the countless number of you, who said this (that I would date again and I would marry and I would be happy) to me- I am sorry I didnt listen or believe you when you believed in me. God has brought me the most amazing MAN to spend life with. How it happened is a crazy story that only God could make happen. It is amazing how things quickly change and you just say to God "I give UP! I am so stinking tired of this- because nothing is changing. If you want something for my life, you better bring it, because I am DONE trying to find out what it is." These are my EXACT words. You have no idea what it took in me to say this to God, but I am so glad I did. I let it go. I let all the past hurt and drama and neglect and NOTHING EVER CHANGING GO. Gone. I was done. And God is faithful and provided.

Never once did he leave me- he carried me through this mess to bring me a beautiful story- that he wrote just for me.

So, today I sit here and type this and reflect on a lot of things. Right now I have it pretty dang good. A guy who truly truly loves me (I know you dont understand that, but it isnt for you to understand)- showers me with attention and affection- parents who still love me after moving me 8 times and support me and my decisions, even if they are wrong- some pretty awesome ladies who have heard my truest heart of hearts and let me cry out my problems to them (so thanks Amy, Andrea, Laurie, Julie R. and Rachel- I couldnt ask for better friends to confide in)- some amazing coworkers who love the pieces out of me and are so happy that I am happy and give me REAL life advice because they truly care about me (My boss, Leah, and Stephanie) and a relationship with the Lord that is much stronger now because of this. To you God I am grateful- because you know what is best for me- because you created best.

Yes to Va va va Bbbe SSS!

This week has been a doosy in my personal life, BUT it's the best week of the summer at our church! It is Vacation Bible School!! This is one of the most stressful, crazy, busy, LOUD, frustrating, time taking up rewarding weeks of the year. Oh how my heart swells in me to see little kids loving learning about Jesus. The questions they ask are always bigger than you expect and their smiles are as bright as the moon. This year we did a Rock Star theme- and it has been really awesome. At first I was really hesitant, but thankfully God is bigger than my scoffs and questioning mind.

Here are a few of my personal highlights so far: (I hope you smile wide and laugh hard at these like I did)

 Getting to dress up every night with one of my best friends has been SO FUN! Granted, I could never be a rockstar because I would have some terrible breakage from the amount of teasing of hair that has taken place in my bathroom each night. We plan our rockstar outfits and try and wrangle these kiddies to do some service projects for other people. My teacher voice or (insert choice word) voice has come up a few times, but other than that, it has been AWESOME driving the Tour Bus with Andrea! She is a TRUE true friend, who I have been blessed to share life with.





These sweet 5 and 6 year olds were the quietest class on Monday night. They truly loved making stained glass pieces for the Nursing Home guests. They made beautiful artwork, and learned that they are like this stained glass- when light shines in it, color radiates around, shining in at all angles. When we have Jesus in our hearts, he overflows into our lives and shines in at all angles to make life have color bounce around and over us. Melts my heart.


Other highlights include:
• Seeing these kids get EXCITED about coming to church- there was 105 KIDS at our church last night- don't tell me that doesn't give you chills, because I have them now just typing this. They were at a rock concert singing My Redeemer lives- on these sweet innocent lips- praising the same God I praise. My cup runeth over.
• Getting the kids to have a theme night- and not having to send home papers with them. I said wear crazy hair tomorrow and THEY DID! It was awesome. Last night was star night- and EVERY single kid came in with a star. Even the ones who hadn't been the night before- because their friends told them about it. They had so much excitement to show off their stars. I hope they know they have lit up my life this week.
• In class talking about "Leaning on God" when things don't go our way or we are hurting, I asked the older class if they knew what it was like to get picked on and some raised their hands and without missing a beat- a kid that could pass as Snoop Dogg's son said "somebody pick on me- they gon get tha taste slapped out they mouth", BAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Did that really just happen?!? Every adult in the room was dying- and I had to keep a straight face and say- yes that is a great example of that sin word I was just talking about. Oh man, I couldnt help but laugh my head off after he left.
• Same kid, same night: We made salvation bracelets for them to have an easy way to share Jesus with their friends and strangers. Im going through all the colors and their answers for the colors are hiliarious. They have black red and white down pat. But blue, green and yellow, oh we gotta do some work on that part! As I am explaining yellow represents heaven, where we will get to go when we die if we have Jesus in our hearts, kid raises his hand and asks a beautiful question. "Someone told me the skreets is gold in heaven, dat true?" Be still my heart. Oh someone has been trying to teach this cute hoodrat :) about Jesus and he listened. I said "yes, and they told you right. the STREETS are gold in heaven. God made it very beautiful up there for us" Kid's reply "I can have the gold- like I can take it?" BAHAHAH. Well, the seed might have just not been planted all the way in the soil ;) I said "no baby, you cant take the gold. When we get to heaven all we are going to be worried about it worshipping God and singing to him"..quietly I hear him say to his buddy- "Imma still try and get dat gold."
• Talking to another class about the color beads- white wasnt clicking for this sweet loud bushy haired girl. I tried to teach them that Jesus makes our hearts pure again- and that is called purity. But in her ears, she heard puuuurty. Yes baby girl, Jesus makes us purty too.
• Same kid- next night: Recapping on the color beads, we get to blue (baptism, publicly proclaiming Jesus) and she raised her ever cautious hand and said "Miss Rachel, can you- can you tell me what happens when you get baptised...?" Did you hear that?!? I know there has to be a big ol bell in heaven- because when this happens, some angel has to go ring that thing and rejoice! How sweet to talk to these kids about baptism. And the cool part: they all said but baptising doesnt save you, having Jesus in your heart does. Again, remind me why I get to share this joy God?
• Having kids jump up and down to tell you the day after making salvation bracelets what the colors mean, and helping their friends when they lost the words, blessed. my. soul. God is at work. Even at a poorly decorated craft station table with a teacher who has to yell "Keep your hands to yourself in my class". 
• Seeing 20 OR MORE adults who don't go to our church- stick around and go to the adult class. Oh chills again. And the really cool part? The same Jesus who died for my white church- died for these precious African Americans from a neighborhood down the road that our youth invited to church. If that doesnt let you know God is real, I am so sorry friend, but you are missing out.
• Seeing kids ROCK out. With their songs, their hands, and I pray their hearts. It is truly special to watch music time- even the fast fun parts- these kids are dancing before the Lord, and I know he is well pleased.
• Finally, having a sweet kid in my class give me the biggest kid sized hug imaginable. Just because I loved on him and told him he was doing a great job. That. That is what it is about. Sharing Jesus with these sweet cheekies.

God had to really remind me of something as I was RUSHING around yesterday, trying to get ready in 5 minutes with the coolest hair and star painted on. It takes a lot of time to get into skinny jeans, but I am pretty sure I set the world record yesterday. I was so consumed with what I was going to wear- that I had forgotten to pray for these babies hearts- that God would send a flood over this VBS- and kids would hear the Word of God and want that inside of them. How selfish Rachel. It is not about you. Or the clothes I wear. Or the amount of hairspray I think I can use. Or the coolest rocker jewelry. Hold on, it isn't even about making sure they use up all their craft time to make these things for other people. It is COMPLETELY about giving these kids more than a week of fun, but the words to have an ETERNITY with Christ. Lord, forgive my ungrateful heart. Put in me the words to say that these kids need to hear to know you love them. 2 more nights of VBS- and I know God truly has rocked our world this week. I pray these kids do the same for God.

Heart-full

Not getting what you want can make you feel sick, but a wish that comes true is a life-giving tree. (CEV)

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life. (AMP)

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. (NIV)

Proverbs 13:12

How very true are these words? The thing you want most out of life and not getting it makes your heart sick. Literally hurting and you find yourself catching your breath because the pain is almost unbearable.
Heartsick. That is the word I am sure a few of you can certainly relate to. Being so wounded and crippled by fear, uncertainty, endings and beginnings, changes and words said in a moment of emotions running away. It can break you down and hurt to the point where you cry yourself to sleep at night- hoping- praying- wishing- just knowing this can't be the end of the story. Hurt to the point that you bring on more stress to your already tired and worn heart and break it down some more.

Thankfully, there is that small 3 letter word that CHANGES everything. It is almost read over and skipped sometimes, yet it is SO important to how the game plays out. But. b-u-t. There it is. This small word changes so much.

Having heartsickness is overwhelming, BUT, thankfully, this verse does not stop there. It says when your desires, wishes, and longings are fulfilled, come true, and made real- it is a life giving tree. Your soul is restored. The depths of your unreasoning has had a revolutionary breakthrough in the hardened soil. Roots stretch far and wide, bringing you the things you need to get over this heartsickness. The parts above the surface shine bright and are made new and beautiful. Crunchy faded leaves have a resurection and color flows through their cells again. There is something different about you in that instant that your deepest desires and the things you find yourself pinning relentlessly over come to the point where they aren't dreams anymore. They are real. You just witnessed a modern day miracle.

Psalm 37:4 says  Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart (NIV). Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart (AMP). Do what the Lord wants,

and he will give you your heart’s desire (CEV).


I know these verses go hand in hand. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. When those desires aren't fulfilled it makes the heart sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, life is given back to you.

Sometimes, God sees fit to not reveal the fulfillment of the God-given desires he has placed in us because he needs us to either find that contentment in him, be refined and made more to look like Christ instead of ourselves, or because we let our earthly fleshly desires take over like a diva in a play and God is kicked off stage so our egos can have the full attention.

The desires that you have in you were put there by the Creator of feelings- the Sustainer of longings, and the Prince of Peace who calms the seas that rage within us. If he put it there, and you fully completely wholeheartedly believe that his word is true, he will make it happen at the appointed time. Not your time. Because your time is set by an imaginary calendar with fixed deadlines and appointments that can not be missed. BUT when God gives you the desires of your heart, it restores your life.

God is big. He is amazing. I still find myself at a loss for words (hard to believe, I know you just said) for what is happening around me. Good things. Great things. Absolutley God things. Desires that I had supressed and even thought I had cremated suddenly have been brought back to life like a patient who had the boards used on them. The heartbeat has been found again.

I know God is at work in me and around me. Sometimes, more often than you think, God is going to blow you away with the way he changes things up on you. It is going to hurt a little while if we don't get/have/see the things/people/blessings, but he gives us God-sized desires that only HE can make a reality. My tree was pretty much dead and chared- left with a worm eaten heart and only remnants of wilted leaf memories.
But I say unto you today, life has been restored to these dry bones. There is a smile as wide as the Milky Way on my face, and my heart is filled to the brim. Color now bursts on the screen and black and white fade into the background. The desires of my heart are starting to be fulfilled- and I am so excited. God is always at work, even when we give up on him. He put those desires in you- and He will make them real.

Hold fast to the promises of His word, and you too will find that God is the best gift giver ever.  This Bound 4 More journey is truly looking up. 625, oh happy day, this is just the beginning.

?

Sometimes I have a lot of questions in my head and they scream and try and take over my brain. If you could somehow tap into my thoughts and actually see and hear what is going on in there, I think it would not only scare the bageezies out of you, but you would probably think I was stupid. I have a lot of questions that this world can't answer and I am having to search them out myself and figure them out. Questions that overwelm me. Sometimes I take them to God, sometimes I don't. Here are a few thoughts that I just can't get a grip on:

Why is it that every one of my friends from college is happy, married, pregnant, or living the dream- and I feel like I am barely getting by?

What needs to change in me so I can live my dreams? How do I get there? What do I need to let go of in order to see who I really am? What do I even want out of life? What are my dreams?, because I don't know at this point.

What does it feel like to wake up next to the same person every day? What does it feel like to know that someone loves you so much they want to spend the rest of their life with you- no one else but you?

Why is it that some people can eat whatever they want and never sweat a drop and can have a much smaller body- and I literally look at food and gain weight?

What is it like to know that you make someone happy? What does it feel like to know that someone wants to make you the happiest person in the world and they do simple random sweet nice things to make this happen? Or yet- what is it like to know that someone WANTS you in their life as well as NEEDS you?

What is it like to sit back in your house and know that you are paying for this house- you own it?

How does it feel to know you have a talent that people request your services for? Do people ever get sick of their talents and wish for something else? Do they get tired of using their talents and ever compare themselves to others who are different from them?

How does it really feel to have money? Seriously, the ability to do whatever, whenever without money being an option?

Do the people that I esteem the highest have secret sins like I do that they find themselves running to when they are alone- or do they truly have their lives together and I am just an idiot?

How does it feel to know someone is really in love with you, and that they don't just love you as a person, they are in love with you?

Have people who just up and moved ever regretted it- or was it the best decision they ever made?

How do you truly become a better person- one where people don't gossip about you because there is nothing bad to say?

How do you really get content with what you have and not envy other's for the things they have?

When it is all said and done, are people going to celebrate your life- or just be glad it is over?

Why is it easy to fix other people and their problems, but I can't even admit my own or work on myself first?

Why do we have to be alone, when we don't want to be alone- no friends, no common comforts, nothing- and why does it hurt so bad?

What made me not good enough? Can that be changed- or is it a part of me?

How does it feel to truly make a difference in someone's life and know that you helped change them for good?

Do people look up to me- or are they looking down on me because of how I present myself in certain situations?

That is enough for now. It is just as overwhelming to see all of this in print than ringing in my ears.

Circle Hike

Welcome back. I have had a few blog posts on my mind since Saturday, but you can clearly see that I am a procrastinator and am just now posting them. Read on into the reality of Rachel.

Saturday was a different day. I had determined earlier in the week I was going hiking. Not to a state park but to some local attractions. Rock Hawk in Putnam county was the chosen site. I had invited someone to go with me, but they bailed on me and decided they would rather sit around than go hiking. Lame. So off Mowgli and I went. Alone.

We climbed up the tower to see this:

Might not look like a hawk to you, but I could see it. It is an unexplained Indian effigy mound

This was my first hike alone. It was a pretty good hike, except for the signs of poisonous snakes every 25 yards. I was a little freaked out, not going to lie. Mowgli panted the whole time. The hike was up hill mostly, but not too bad.

I was following the orange course. I had been doing great (minus having to look over the entire path many many times for snakes) and then came to this weird fork in the path. The orange sign pointed to the right, but clearly the left was the clearer of the paths. The one on the right had a lot of tall grass. AKA perfect snake hanging out place. So, Mowgli and I started to the right and about one minute in I decided I wasnt going to take my chances of getting bitten. I trecked back to the fork. Or what I thought was the fork. I never got back to the fork really. Somehow I made a WRONG step and I was just going no where but in circles. I ventured one way and said, this isnt right, and then went back to the starting place, keep in mind I NEVER made it back to the fork- or the original one I guess. I just kept going in circles. I walked over this path where someone had dropped a bottle of water and I said to myself, crap I have already been this way. Walked back up to some intersection and decided that I was tired of being in snake country and the water bottle path was my only option. So, we walked back the way we came in. Stupid I know, but I was alone, hot and my poor dog was super tired. We had been hiking over an hour at this point.

In my wanderings, I thought of what it was like for the Israelites to wander around in the desert. For 40 years. In circles. I am sure they passed a "water bottle path" many times. I know the feelings of desperation and hopelessness I was feeling, so I can't imagine what life was like for them. The desert- eek had to be so hot and sweaty and dirty. At least I had shade. I was reminded that even in my wanderings, God is still with me. We can go in circles upon circles and yet, he still is there. He never leaves. How crazy to think that God never leaves, it is only us who choose to leave Him.

I finally made it out of that trail, and was so glad I did. I had seen enough snake signs to last me a while. I didn't see a snake, HALLELUJAH, but was creeped out none the less. When we made it out, we were the only people ones  in the entire park. Not a comforting feeling when you are a girl alone with her dog who isnt very intimidating.

I think I will make sure I hike with either one of two things next time: a gun or another person.

Friday Friday Gotta get down on Friday

So here I sit. Waiting at my desk to go out and shake hands with eager freshman and parents who are sending their babies away in the fall. Orientation is probably one of my favorite and least favorite days. I LOVE meeting all the new students and telling parents how we take care of their kids, but I absolutly dread setting up for it. Student Health has a LOT of stuff to give away!

I have my big license plate nametag on- that clearly says my title on it, Health Educator (which is technically wrong, it's University H E) but I will get asked at least 5 times today if I am a student- or if I am a nurse. It reads in white writing on a green background: MED, which is suppose to read M.Ed., but whatever, so much for higher education and then CHES. No where does it say RN, PhD or anything else. But I guarantee I will get asked if I am a nurse. Nope, I am not that smart and I am the prevention side of health.

Orientation is always a tease. The food is ALWAYS the best it will ever be at any given time during the year on this day. We have to show off for the parents so they feel good about the meal plan they are having to pay $10k for. I have no idea if it costs that much, but I do know it costs a lot!

But some part of my loves seeing the students excitement. I remember that excitment and nervousness as well. It was hot as balls hell  it was hot when I came to Orientation in July of 2002, hoping today won't be like that. I do have my swollen eye to contend with though, from the biggest hornet ever stinging me last night. I am not as Sloth-looking as I thought I would be, but I can see the swelling out of the bottom part of my eye. I looked in the mirror this morning and my right eye was more swollen than the stung eye, I guess from being tired. Either way- my face hurts!

There are a lot crapton of things on my mind right now and I would ask for prayers for all of them, the major ones are:

- My cousins on my dad's side lost their brother unexpectantly last night from some heart and breathing complications. They had to burry their sister less than eight months ago from an unexpected death as well. Both of these people leave behind a family and kids. I can't imagine the pain they are going through right now, and know that they must feel that God has it out for them and feel completely lost and abandoned. Please pray for the families and that God will provide deliverance, strength, and peace.

- I have 15 days until I have to move out. Fifeteen. Days. What? I havent even started packing yet. Still pretty unsure where I am going, have a few options out of town, but I am not sure how I really feel about them. I would be living rent free at home or at this other place, but both are pretty far out. So- pray for a house or an apartment to come up.

- That I get things in order for my daily schedule. I need to be more diligent in working out, eating clean, praying and spending my time wisely.

- That God will reveal his plans for me about direction and placement for my life. Right now, I feel like I am shooting in the dark. I need some kind of direction and some kind of understanding.

Have a great weekend!