I have been playing my own hunger games for the past 2.5 months. Eat. Don't Eat. Eat. Hate eating- the list goes on. Recently, by encouragement from all of my friends, I read The Hunger Games. I read it in roughly 2 days. Nights. Late nights. And the story is a captivating get-you-on-the-edge-of-your-seat kind of book. I am not a reader, but I really enjoyed this. I hope to start the second book soon- and finish the 3rd on the cruise! Well start and finish both of them on the cruise.
Anyway- last night was the midnight premiere! Let me set the stage:
I went for a run with Mowgli after work, then came home to a phone call from a friend about a flyer she wanted to have to show at her Women's meeting. I said I would bring it- but I wasn't prepared for what happened next. I get in my car and it says I can go 2 miles. Two. When I left work it was 19. Somehow, the gas thief came by and syphoned out some gas in a one hour period. So, I called Amanda to tell her I was going to get gas then deliver the paper. As I am desperately praying to God to get to to the gas station and in a sheer panic- I realize I left my pocketbook at home. So- I panic and almost pop a wheelie spinning out so fast from the BP. I call my neighbor and ask for his gas can- go get it from his back porch, then drive to the gas station again, this time about to cry because I know I was just given a provision from God to get me to the store- then I go and mess it up from leaving my money at home! So- I finally make it to the store and get some gas. That 2 mile point never changed. I am so thankful for tiny blessings that God pours out- even when I am stupid and wait to get gas and more stupid to leave my money at home.
I had Kelli and Manda come over for some wii and dinner. We played wii for a lil while, watched the season finale of Project Runway and ate a vegan dinner. Kelli and Manda didn't know they weren't eating meat until I begged them to tell me if they were telling me a lie when they said it was good. They thought it was meat, so I guess that means it passed the test! We had meatless "beef" tip stir fry, 2 "chicken" tenders, wild rice, baked breaded okra, and wheat bread. I was nice and added some "I can't believe it's not butter to their slices, but not mine ;). Kelli tried a smoothie round and liked it and Manda had a mini ice cream sandwich. I think they liked eating vegan!
Anyway- moving on to the movie! Kelli made us leave at 1030. Good call on her part. It was slowly filling in when we got there. So we sat there for what seemed like forever- and then the movie started.
Here is my review: the camera person needs to learn to not move the camera so fast- I felt like I was watching all over the place. The movie left out CRITICAL pieces of the book- and changed a major ending point. There was no time get invested in people because it was so quickly moving. The way they presented the characters is not how they were presented in the book. It wasn't the blood bath I was expecting. At all. And maybe that is why it was so clinching in the book- you had to read to see how this person faired from the fighting. The Capital lived up to what I imagined it would be. I had one tiny problem though. The tributes from District 11 were black. This district is known for agriculture. The kids names were Thresh and Rue. Thresh- Im pretty sure he didnt need to be black- because I got a terrible "slavery" feeling about that. Maybe I am reading too much into it. But Thresh was HUMONGOUS in the book. This kid wasn't that big. It just didnt sit well the character choice for me. Also- all the kids were clean. Um- they were in the arena for over 2 weeks and had dewey fresh skin- with no dirt. Really? Because in the book- the towns where most of them came from were extremely poor and they were dirty. And they were in the wilderness- but not dirty. So my end review: it wasn't worth the $13.25 I spent to see it.
Hope you read the books! The imagination is much more stronger than anything that is created.
My real life. Sometimes I say what I feel, sometimes I don't know what to say.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Preparation
Hm.. I would like to say I am prepared most of the time. I started packing last night for my upcoming trip which is Sunday- and realized I needed a few things before I could zip it shut. I've gotten 2 new swim suits, 2 new pair of shades, and some cute tops but still need some new sun dresses, some new tanks, and some cute shoes. Need want yeah yeah.
And spent $70 on some spa prep and I'm getting a pedicure tomorrow. Yes, this is real prep, because I have to look good friends. It is just part of the package- and the price has since gone up a few $$$ since the last time I prepped! But, I won't complain. That $$ is WELL worth what I had done!
Preparation. I gave Chris "the blue book" last night and had already written out the next week's College Class lesson so he didn't have to scramble for one. The blue book is my church book. Everythingyou I need to know is in there. It is how I function with my class, WMU, and prayer needs. Whoops. I totally just realized that my prayers are in that book. Read them if you want, your name is mentioned quite a lot, probably you can't read it because of a tear stain.
Preparation. I read The Hunger Games in 2 days this week to prepare for the movie. My Fandango ticket was purchased last night. Tonight I will be up til 3 am- don't mind if I do have to be at work at 8.
Preparation. Last night I made tofu tacos and it only took 10 minutes. I like that kind of preparation. Vegan week is rolling on. I can only eat so much peanut butter though. I have learned that I have been eating more than my "new" normal, and it is showing. I have gained back some weight and just want to scream because I didn't want this to happen. Next week this time I will be in a bikini. Yuck. I have some serious preparation to do between now and then.
I have also been asked to be photographed for a makeup artist in the ATL- can we say body prep together? Yuck again. I hate everything about me right now. My stomach was well on its way to being awesome and my whole body looked better, but now I am stuck in an "Ihateeverythingaboutme" mode.
I was going to tan (spray) today- but that will have to wait until tomorrow because I have to kill it in my workout tonight since Wednesdays are my light days. Just a walk with Mowgli for 35 minutes and then some abs and core work. Today though- will be my trip preparation.
Planners tend to be prepared, but what I have learned lately is that you can never prepare to the full extent. Something is always going to throw a wrench in there. Something is going to turn out differently. Something will fall apart. Something will come together in a least expected way. So, as Iwrite type these words coming from my head, I am reminded of the things that I don't prepare for, but I should without a shadow of doubt.
I haven't been preparing my days with prayer and communion with the Lord. I haven't been preparing myself for the divine appointments that I know God has set in place. I haven't prepared my heart to be filled with compassion to "the least of these" as I spoke about that in class last night. I haven't prepared my future by laying my requests at the feet of God and asking for his direction. I honestly haven't prepared anything, but my menial and trivial wants and selfishness.
Have you been preparing for things of you and not eternal things? I am reminded of a woman from the Bible who thought preparation was where her mindset should be.
Luke 10:38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
Yup- I am totally Martha. In a "brady bunch voice- Martha Martha Martha". The Lord said few things are needed, no wait just one. And hey, oh yeah I am it! As you make preparations this week, remind yourself to make eternal preparations while you have the opportunity.
And spent $70 on some spa prep and I'm getting a pedicure tomorrow. Yes, this is real prep, because I have to look good friends. It is just part of the package- and the price has since gone up a few $$$ since the last time I prepped! But, I won't complain. That $$ is WELL worth what I had done!
Preparation. I gave Chris "the blue book" last night and had already written out the next week's College Class lesson so he didn't have to scramble for one. The blue book is my church book. Everything
Preparation. I read The Hunger Games in 2 days this week to prepare for the movie. My Fandango ticket was purchased last night. Tonight I will be up til 3 am- don't mind if I do have to be at work at 8.
Preparation. Last night I made tofu tacos and it only took 10 minutes. I like that kind of preparation. Vegan week is rolling on. I can only eat so much peanut butter though. I have learned that I have been eating more than my "new" normal, and it is showing. I have gained back some weight and just want to scream because I didn't want this to happen. Next week this time I will be in a bikini. Yuck. I have some serious preparation to do between now and then.
I have also been asked to be photographed for a makeup artist in the ATL- can we say body prep together? Yuck again. I hate everything about me right now. My stomach was well on its way to being awesome and my whole body looked better, but now I am stuck in an "Ihateeverythingaboutme" mode.
I was going to tan (spray) today- but that will have to wait until tomorrow because I have to kill it in my workout tonight since Wednesdays are my light days. Just a walk with Mowgli for 35 minutes and then some abs and core work. Today though- will be my trip preparation.
Planners tend to be prepared, but what I have learned lately is that you can never prepare to the full extent. Something is always going to throw a wrench in there. Something is going to turn out differently. Something will fall apart. Something will come together in a least expected way. So, as I
I haven't been preparing my days with prayer and communion with the Lord. I haven't been preparing myself for the divine appointments that I know God has set in place. I haven't prepared my heart to be filled with compassion to "the least of these" as I spoke about that in class last night. I haven't prepared my future by laying my requests at the feet of God and asking for his direction. I honestly haven't prepared anything, but my menial and trivial wants and selfishness.
Have you been preparing for things of you and not eternal things? I am reminded of a woman from the Bible who thought preparation was where her mindset should be.
Luke 10:38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
Yup- I am totally Martha. In a "brady bunch voice- Martha Martha Martha". The Lord said few things are needed, no wait just one. And hey, oh yeah I am it! As you make preparations this week, remind yourself to make eternal preparations while you have the opportunity.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
"Let Her Cry"
Are you a Hootie and the Blowfish fan? I certainly am. My parents loved them when I was growing up, so I know all the words. Their song "Let Her Cry" is a song about a girl who chooses drugs and completely changes in a relationship and how the guy responds to her and how he has to leave.
The chorus goes:
Let her cry, if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing, if it eases all her pain
Let her go,let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be, let her be.
Not that I can relate to the drug part, but the part about crying- oh yeah I understand that fully. I have some amazing friends who have helped me through this crappy time in my life. Friends who have let me cry it out on their shoulders, run over to their houses because they understand what it is like to feel this way, and friends who have never told me once to stop crying.
These have been my truest of friends. Never once telling me to "get over it" or "you should be done crying"; if anything, they have cared enough about me to encourage my crying and to cry as much as I want.
One person, who has tried to be in my business when it is of no place of their business told me in these words exactly "Eventually you'll realize that there's nothing worth crying over. You'll be fine"... next message "its not like I'm trying to be doctor Phil. I'm just saying "get over it, it was a break up, you weren't married, so you should be over this in about a month" in a nice way. Does that clear it up?"
Do you know how those words stung? Can you imagine the feelings of anger and hostility that engulfed my being when I read that? If that was the nice way- my gosh, I would hate to know how you really felt. Don't ever say those words- to anyone, but especially a GIRL. Nothing worth crying over? A month to get over? I'm sorry- we dated for over a year, it isn't something you just let go of in a month. Girl's hearts were created to love, and that process doesn't just vaporize once the relationship ends.
This person has made me so angry- yet I have to remind my friends who have said "cry as much as you need" and "it is ok to cry Rachel, that means you cared". Don't ever take that healing process away from someone- if they are crying. It isn't your battle. It has nothing to do with you thinking crying is ludacrious. Like Hootie said, "let her cry, ...let her be".
People have to deal with things how they choose. They need to find healing and cleansing through those tears. I know I am not going to be this way forever, gosh I so hope that, but I know that I truly loved someone, gave them my heart and invested more than just a month's worth of feeling into them. I know that this is going to affect me for the rest of my life and I know that if I want to break down and cry- it is ok to do that. It is part of me dealing with it.
So, this note is a thank you to the people who have never once tried to suffocate my feelings or be mean to me because I have been a basket case. I appreciate your true friendship- and the ability to be able to cry in front of you and you not judge me. Thank you for loving me.
The chorus goes:
Let her cry, if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing, if it eases all her pain
Let her go,let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be, let her be.
Not that I can relate to the drug part, but the part about crying- oh yeah I understand that fully. I have some amazing friends who have helped me through this crappy time in my life. Friends who have let me cry it out on their shoulders, run over to their houses because they understand what it is like to feel this way, and friends who have never told me once to stop crying.
These have been my truest of friends. Never once telling me to "get over it" or "you should be done crying"; if anything, they have cared enough about me to encourage my crying and to cry as much as I want.
One person, who has tried to be in my business when it is of no place of their business told me in these words exactly "Eventually you'll realize that there's nothing worth crying over. You'll be fine"... next message "its not like I'm trying to be doctor Phil. I'm just saying "get over it, it was a break up, you weren't married, so you should be over this in about a month" in a nice way. Does that clear it up?"
Do you know how those words stung? Can you imagine the feelings of anger and hostility that engulfed my being when I read that? If that was the nice way- my gosh, I would hate to know how you really felt. Don't ever say those words- to anyone, but especially a GIRL. Nothing worth crying over? A month to get over? I'm sorry- we dated for over a year, it isn't something you just let go of in a month. Girl's hearts were created to love, and that process doesn't just vaporize once the relationship ends.
This person has made me so angry- yet I have to remind my friends who have said "cry as much as you need" and "it is ok to cry Rachel, that means you cared". Don't ever take that healing process away from someone- if they are crying. It isn't your battle. It has nothing to do with you thinking crying is ludacrious. Like Hootie said, "let her cry, ...let her be".
People have to deal with things how they choose. They need to find healing and cleansing through those tears. I know I am not going to be this way forever, gosh I so hope that, but I know that I truly loved someone, gave them my heart and invested more than just a month's worth of feeling into them. I know that this is going to affect me for the rest of my life and I know that if I want to break down and cry- it is ok to do that. It is part of me dealing with it.
So, this note is a thank you to the people who have never once tried to suffocate my feelings or be mean to me because I have been a basket case. I appreciate your true friendship- and the ability to be able to cry in front of you and you not judge me. Thank you for loving me.
Bucket List #3
Eat Vegan for a week. As trivial as it seems, I wanted to do this. I knew I was going to do it this very week- the week before my impending time away on a ship. I wanted to be frugal with food, lose some extra weight, and honestly look hot in a bikini. So, as vain as that sounds- I started on Monday.
I have come to just realize a lot just in 2.5 days. Our dependency on animals is much more than it needs to be. I thought I would struggle greatly with not having dairy- but thanks to Almond Milk- I'm fine. If you know me, you know I am not much of a meat eater anyway. I don't mind cooking it or eating it, but I get so bored with it and sometimes just want nothing to do with it. So I knew that part would be easy.
Here has been my menu up until now:
M-b:mixed fruit; snack: nuts; l:chickpeas, cucumber slices, cherry tomatoes, and a green apple; d: leftover whole wheat penne w/ tomato sauce, diced tomatoes, spinach; snack: chocolate almond milk
T-b: Puffins pnut butter cereal (vegan cereal that is awesome) w almond milk (vanilla); l: kidsize oatmeal raisin bar, 2 scoops of pnut butter; snack: corn tortilla chips; d: 7-grain meatless "chicken" strips, mixed vegetables sauted in italian dressing, and baked fries; snack: Berry Rounds (like a fruit popsicle, but no stick)
Tuesdays dinner was so good. I think I will buy this product again for sure! You should try it: Gardein makes it and it is in the frozen foods aisle at Kroger.
If you want to try eating Vegan, I highly encourage it. I read a book this summer called Animal, Vegetable, Miracle- I strongly encourage you to read it as well. It will change the way you view food. I didn't eat a banana from August until last week (only because I had no other options at my parents) because of reading this book. Read it.
Here is the recipe for the Berry Rounds (trust me, you will love it!)
1 can of pineapples w/juice (mine was the rings, so it had 4 in it, soaked in its own juice)
4 strawberries (large)
7-8 blackberries
1/2 box Coconut Vita water (comes in a small juice sized-box in multiple flavors, I used coconut with pineapple)
A splash of Almond Milk- vanilla
Puree all of the ingredients together but the Almond Milk. My blender has a smoothie setting, so that is what I used. After I blended all of this, then I put the almond milk in, just enough to make the liquid contents rise up an inch- so 1/4 of a cup I guesstimate.
I poured the liquid into a 6-muffin pan. (Spray the pan before, because I didn't, but the eventually come out when you run the bottom of the pan under warm water). Stick in the freezer. I froze mine for 3+ hours and then removed then from the pan and put the individual servings in a tupperware container in the freezer.
I took one and semi mashed it up in a cup- not so much like a slushy because it wasn't liquid, but like Italian Ice. It was awesome!
Next time I make them, I am going to add a few teaspoons of protein powder. This would be a great recovery snack from a workout!
Hope you enjoy- tell me how you like it!
I have come to just realize a lot just in 2.5 days. Our dependency on animals is much more than it needs to be. I thought I would struggle greatly with not having dairy- but thanks to Almond Milk- I'm fine. If you know me, you know I am not much of a meat eater anyway. I don't mind cooking it or eating it, but I get so bored with it and sometimes just want nothing to do with it. So I knew that part would be easy.
Here has been my menu up until now:
M-b:mixed fruit; snack: nuts; l:chickpeas, cucumber slices, cherry tomatoes, and a green apple; d: leftover whole wheat penne w/ tomato sauce, diced tomatoes, spinach; snack: chocolate almond milk
T-b: Puffins pnut butter cereal (vegan cereal that is awesome) w almond milk (vanilla); l: kidsize oatmeal raisin bar, 2 scoops of pnut butter; snack: corn tortilla chips; d: 7-grain meatless "chicken" strips, mixed vegetables sauted in italian dressing, and baked fries; snack: Berry Rounds (like a fruit popsicle, but no stick)
Tuesdays dinner was so good. I think I will buy this product again for sure! You should try it: Gardein makes it and it is in the frozen foods aisle at Kroger.
If you want to try eating Vegan, I highly encourage it. I read a book this summer called Animal, Vegetable, Miracle- I strongly encourage you to read it as well. It will change the way you view food. I didn't eat a banana from August until last week (only because I had no other options at my parents) because of reading this book. Read it.
Here is the recipe for the Berry Rounds (trust me, you will love it!)
1 can of pineapples w/juice (mine was the rings, so it had 4 in it, soaked in its own juice)
4 strawberries (large)
7-8 blackberries
1/2 box Coconut Vita water (comes in a small juice sized-box in multiple flavors, I used coconut with pineapple)
A splash of Almond Milk- vanilla
Puree all of the ingredients together but the Almond Milk. My blender has a smoothie setting, so that is what I used. After I blended all of this, then I put the almond milk in, just enough to make the liquid contents rise up an inch- so 1/4 of a cup I guesstimate.
I took one and semi mashed it up in a cup- not so much like a slushy because it wasn't liquid, but like Italian Ice. It was awesome!
Next time I make them, I am going to add a few teaspoons of protein powder. This would be a great recovery snack from a workout!
Hope you enjoy- tell me how you like it!
Monday, March 19, 2012
1st & 2nd Bucket List Completion
A few weeks ago, I made a Bucket list for Spring. Saturday St. Patty's Day 2012- I started on the list. I want to hike all of the State Parks in GA. I have done a few, so I am just trying to catch up since there are 63! Ive done Black Rock Mountain, High Falls, and now Hamburg. I called 2 of the youth that hang out with me a lot and told them I was picking them up and we were going hiking. I packed a picnic lunch and off we went.
I have been to Hamburg many times before, but never hiked it. This was supposed to be a 3.5 mile hike. I am not sure, but we hiked for 3 hours- and I am fully confident it was more like 4 something. We climbed over logs, made out way through briars, and sweated it up. Abby and Ansley are seriously the loudest people I could have chosed to take with me, but we made the most of it.
Here is the injury report:
Abby's legs looked like a cat attacked her because of the serious briar scratches she got.
She also FELL and busted it in front of some fisherman. I couldn't help but die laughing, but also thinking- my gosh please tell me your ankle isn't broken- we are too far into this hike for that.
I have 2 HUGE scratches on my left leg from a briar that literally tore my skin open. It was bloody and now is infected :( and a few others on both legs.
I also received a blow to the face from a downed branch/limb/javelin that knocked me out in the face. Had I not had on my huge sunglasses, I think I would be a cyclops. I am making jokes, but I cried and seriously got the crap knocked out of me. I have a bruise to prove that one as well.
Ansley was the least scathed. She has a few scratches, and got whacked in the back once, but nothing else.
We had our picnic (with a blanket bucket list #2pin) near the water fall and it was so pretty and peaceful. At the end of the day, we all felt super accomplished. It is cool to knock off 2 pins from the bucket list and put them in the bucket! I hope that they all get in the bucket by the end of May!
I have been to Hamburg many times before, but never hiked it. This was supposed to be a 3.5 mile hike. I am not sure, but we hiked for 3 hours- and I am fully confident it was more like 4 something. We climbed over logs, made out way through briars, and sweated it up. Abby and Ansley are seriously the loudest people I could have chosed to take with me, but we made the most of it.
Here is the injury report:
Abby's legs looked like a cat attacked her because of the serious briar scratches she got.
She also FELL and busted it in front of some fisherman. I couldn't help but die laughing, but also thinking- my gosh please tell me your ankle isn't broken- we are too far into this hike for that.
I have 2 HUGE scratches on my left leg from a briar that literally tore my skin open. It was bloody and now is infected :( and a few others on both legs.
I also received a blow to the face from a downed branch/limb/javelin that knocked me out in the face. Had I not had on my huge sunglasses, I think I would be a cyclops. I am making jokes, but I cried and seriously got the crap knocked out of me. I have a bruise to prove that one as well.
Ansley was the least scathed. She has a few scratches, and got whacked in the back once, but nothing else.
We had our picnic (with a blanket bucket list #2pin) near the water fall and it was so pretty and peaceful. At the end of the day, we all felt super accomplished. It is cool to knock off 2 pins from the bucket list and put them in the bucket! I hope that they all get in the bucket by the end of May!
Crybaby
The time has come- the weekend is over. People keep asking how I'm doing, I just want to say- here, read this and you will know how I really am doing.
Friday I was the guest speaker for the Health club at Blandy Elementary- then had some special deddy-daughter time at Mellow Mushroom, then my deddy took Mowgli for the weekend.
So- I was home alone at 8pm on a Friday night.This really isn't how I pictured my life at age 27, but this is how it is. I am sure there were lots of things that I could have been doing, but they didn't happen. At 8:55pm I crawled into bed and then it started. It is awfully amazing how you can see something that reminds you of someone- and then cry. Cry until there is nothing left in you. Cry to the point where you are just holding your tshirt over your face so you dont have to continually wipe the tears away. The cry that makes you feel like every fiber in you is welling up these tears, almost like your body is working against you- because you know you don't want to do this. You have no idea how the body can produce so much fluid and yet it continues to stream down your face.
So, I literally just laid there and cried. I cried for 40 minutes then tried to get it together and find some comfort in God's word. I searched, but I wasn't really sure what I was searching for- just something to honestly make me stop crying. I read lots of verses, but I kept going back to 1 John 4. The entire chapter. My coworker had shared verse 4 with me earlier, and I was just drawn to it. It tied in with my post about Jesus overcoming the world. The verse says You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. I have certainly reached my breaking point 2 and a half months later still, and I am just struggling. I was reminded of the very post that I wrote- Jesus overcame the world and HE IS IN ME. He is more powerful and greater than the stupid liar Satan who is here in this world. I kept reading. The rest of the chapter talks about loving others with God's love and how God's love is made complete in us, as well as while we are here in this world- we are like Jesus.
My attitude changed as I was shown how God really did show love to the world. Am I truly being like Jesus? Ha. The answer is a large and in charge NO. He was in constant communication with the Father, and never complained about his situations. He rejoiced in everything and made it a point to minister to others- even when he didn't want to. My attitude and being hasn't been that- all I have seemed to be doing is crying. Constantly feeling like I am drowning because I am surrounded by an ocean of tears.
I prayed that God would make those verses real to me -then tried not to cry myself to sleep, but that was a fail as well.
Today, Sunday- urgh. Cryday as well. A tear stained face is how I entered and left church tonight and I had been crying at my parents again earlier that day. Whoever said "It gets easier" lied. I wasn't a cryer before this relationship. Now I cry at the drop of a a hat. Over lots of things, not just my relationship failing. The cries today were at least not as ugly as the one from Monday. Geeze, that was awful. These were manageable, but hurt none the less.
When will this brokenness leave me? When will I not cry myself to sleep? When will I not cry at the sight of something that reminds me of that relationship and that person? When will it get "easier"? When When When? I don't and won't have the answer for that. I have to remember this is a process- and I am not in control of the refinement department.
I am not putting all of this out there to make you feel sorry for me. NOT in the least. Sometimes when I write out things it makes it more real to me- or allows me to see how dumb I am being because this sounds completely ridiculous that I am crying this much. Maybe that is part of it. I don't know, but I'm grateful for the friends who notice my tear stained face and pull me away to talk. They know. And I am grateful that they don't judge me when I break down in front of them.
I am not sure what lies ahead, but I am certain that these tears are cleansing a part of me that is desperate for healing.
Friday I was the guest speaker for the Health club at Blandy Elementary- then had some special deddy-daughter time at Mellow Mushroom, then my deddy took Mowgli for the weekend.
So- I was home alone at 8pm on a Friday night.This really isn't how I pictured my life at age 27, but this is how it is. I am sure there were lots of things that I could have been doing, but they didn't happen. At 8:55pm I crawled into bed and then it started. It is awfully amazing how you can see something that reminds you of someone- and then cry. Cry until there is nothing left in you. Cry to the point where you are just holding your tshirt over your face so you dont have to continually wipe the tears away. The cry that makes you feel like every fiber in you is welling up these tears, almost like your body is working against you- because you know you don't want to do this. You have no idea how the body can produce so much fluid and yet it continues to stream down your face.
So, I literally just laid there and cried. I cried for 40 minutes then tried to get it together and find some comfort in God's word. I searched, but I wasn't really sure what I was searching for- just something to honestly make me stop crying. I read lots of verses, but I kept going back to 1 John 4. The entire chapter. My coworker had shared verse 4 with me earlier, and I was just drawn to it. It tied in with my post about Jesus overcoming the world. The verse says You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. I have certainly reached my breaking point 2 and a half months later still, and I am just struggling. I was reminded of the very post that I wrote- Jesus overcame the world and HE IS IN ME. He is more powerful and greater than the stupid liar Satan who is here in this world. I kept reading. The rest of the chapter talks about loving others with God's love and how God's love is made complete in us, as well as while we are here in this world- we are like Jesus.
My attitude changed as I was shown how God really did show love to the world. Am I truly being like Jesus? Ha. The answer is a large and in charge NO. He was in constant communication with the Father, and never complained about his situations. He rejoiced in everything and made it a point to minister to others- even when he didn't want to. My attitude and being hasn't been that- all I have seemed to be doing is crying. Constantly feeling like I am drowning because I am surrounded by an ocean of tears.
I prayed that God would make those verses real to me -then tried not to cry myself to sleep, but that was a fail as well.
Today, Sunday- urgh. Cryday as well. A tear stained face is how I entered and left church tonight and I had been crying at my parents again earlier that day. Whoever said "It gets easier" lied. I wasn't a cryer before this relationship. Now I cry at the drop of a a hat. Over lots of things, not just my relationship failing. The cries today were at least not as ugly as the one from Monday. Geeze, that was awful. These were manageable, but hurt none the less.
When will this brokenness leave me? When will I not cry myself to sleep? When will I not cry at the sight of something that reminds me of that relationship and that person? When will it get "easier"? When When When? I don't and won't have the answer for that. I have to remember this is a process- and I am not in control of the refinement department.
I am not putting all of this out there to make you feel sorry for me. NOT in the least. Sometimes when I write out things it makes it more real to me- or allows me to see how dumb I am being because this sounds completely ridiculous that I am crying this much. Maybe that is part of it. I don't know, but I'm grateful for the friends who notice my tear stained face and pull me away to talk. They know. And I am grateful that they don't judge me when I break down in front of them.
I am not sure what lies ahead, but I am certain that these tears are cleansing a part of me that is desperate for healing.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Vicious vs. Virtuous
In my second post- because the previous one was supposed to be posted last night but my archaic laptop was running so slow I feel asleep waiting for it to load- I want to touch on this phrase that I heard the other day: Vicious versus Virtuous Cycles.
I am not sure why this resonated with my mind, but it set it my neurons on fire for some thinking. What is the difference in these cycles you may ask? To me, a vicious cycle is working at something but it not doing you any good, or getting you any farther than you were. It isn't really producing fruit and really is causing you more harm than you can see.
Virtuous cycle: doing something that could be/is consistent or continuous, but postive changes and positive reinforcement is brought about. You are seeing and producing fruit. You are becoming better through this pattern.
Vicious: Example: A woman who keeps going back to her abusive husband/boyfriend. She cries out in anguish from the struggle, but yet continues to go back to him for affirmation. She thinks she can't get out and has no where else to run, so she goes to the one thing that gives her comfort- even though she knows he is going to hurt her (physically/emotionally).
Another example: People who want to lose weight and get fit, but don't do anything to change. Someone told me yesterday they had a double cheeseburger and fries for lunch with a diet Coke. Really? Why even drink a diet- so what you are cutting 100 calories for yours drink- you just made them up in what you ate.
Vicious cycles get us no where. What is the thing/s in your life that you know aren't making you a better person- but yet you still can't find reason enough to give it up?
For me lately it has been this mindset of living out "Murphy's Law" and how I can't seem to do anything right. I told my parents they should have named me Murphy- and my dad asked why in a very puzzling response and I said "Because everything that can go wrong- completely goes wrong in my life. Everything I touch turns to crap (unlike good ol' Midas)."
My friends have reminded me that I do have a lot going for me and a lot to be thankful for- I just have a hard time zoning in on those things in the midst of this chaos. But for me to keep negating myself and self worth- and continue to complain about it- just keeps me in this whirlwind of deception. It is a constant battle friends. A battle. An all out war of my mind within itself. "You can't do anything right" "You clearly aren't good enough" "Obviously you weren't even good enough for a memory" "You are never going to do XYZ..." "You are the problem, the common denominator" "Fail' "Fail" "Fail"
Insert Jesus.
Do I not know that the King of Kings has already defeated this battle waging inside of me? Do you not remember the cross my dear child? Do you not realize that Jesus beat Satan and his army of lies- with a stick. Beat him like it was his job?? Did you forget that? The reason why you choose to live in this "vicious" cycle is because you so often forfeit the peace that was given to you- peace that was so overwhelming that it BUSTED out of the grave and is ALIVE in you? Jesus nailed it all to that cross and said “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Can I get an Amen? Seriously, we don't credit Christ enough for his awesome power he instills in us. If Christ overcame the WORLD, dear child, don't you think you can overcome anything the WORLD throws at you?
"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest (Matt.11:28)" I am included in that all, and so are you. It is high time I started living in the virtuous cycle life and I hope you choose to do the same. We have been called to greater things- and greater things are NOT the lies that Satan so easily slips into our mindset and makes us think WE put it there. Jesus gives out peace, comfort, and purpose. He is the author and perfector of virtuous cycles. Why don't we take a few lessons from his book he wrote and use it to be victorious in our lives?
I am not sure why this resonated with my mind, but it set it my neurons on fire for some thinking. What is the difference in these cycles you may ask? To me, a vicious cycle is working at something but it not doing you any good, or getting you any farther than you were. It isn't really producing fruit and really is causing you more harm than you can see.
Virtuous cycle: doing something that could be/is consistent or continuous, but postive changes and positive reinforcement is brought about. You are seeing and producing fruit. You are becoming better through this pattern.
Vicious: Example: A woman who keeps going back to her abusive husband/boyfriend. She cries out in anguish from the struggle, but yet continues to go back to him for affirmation. She thinks she can't get out and has no where else to run, so she goes to the one thing that gives her comfort- even though she knows he is going to hurt her (physically/emotionally).
Another example: People who want to lose weight and get fit, but don't do anything to change. Someone told me yesterday they had a double cheeseburger and fries for lunch with a diet Coke. Really? Why even drink a diet- so what you are cutting 100 calories for yours drink- you just made them up in what you ate.
Vicious cycles get us no where. What is the thing/s in your life that you know aren't making you a better person- but yet you still can't find reason enough to give it up?
For me lately it has been this mindset of living out "Murphy's Law" and how I can't seem to do anything right. I told my parents they should have named me Murphy- and my dad asked why in a very puzzling response and I said "Because everything that can go wrong- completely goes wrong in my life. Everything I touch turns to crap (unlike good ol' Midas)."
My friends have reminded me that I do have a lot going for me and a lot to be thankful for- I just have a hard time zoning in on those things in the midst of this chaos. But for me to keep negating myself and self worth- and continue to complain about it- just keeps me in this whirlwind of deception. It is a constant battle friends. A battle. An all out war of my mind within itself. "You can't do anything right" "You clearly aren't good enough" "Obviously you weren't even good enough for a memory" "You are never going to do XYZ..." "You are the problem, the common denominator" "Fail' "Fail" "Fail"
Insert Jesus.
Do I not know that the King of Kings has already defeated this battle waging inside of me? Do you not remember the cross my dear child? Do you not realize that Jesus beat Satan and his army of lies- with a stick. Beat him like it was his job?? Did you forget that? The reason why you choose to live in this "vicious" cycle is because you so often forfeit the peace that was given to you- peace that was so overwhelming that it BUSTED out of the grave and is ALIVE in you? Jesus nailed it all to that cross and said “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Can I get an Amen? Seriously, we don't credit Christ enough for his awesome power he instills in us. If Christ overcame the WORLD, dear child, don't you think you can overcome anything the WORLD throws at you?
"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest (Matt.11:28)" I am included in that all, and so are you. It is high time I started living in the virtuous cycle life and I hope you choose to do the same. We have been called to greater things- and greater things are NOT the lies that Satan so easily slips into our mindset and makes us think WE put it there. Jesus gives out peace, comfort, and purpose. He is the author and perfector of virtuous cycles. Why don't we take a few lessons from his book he wrote and use it to be victorious in our lives?
Even the best intentions fall
Yesterday was supposed to be the highlight of my job. It normally is the biggest event I am in charge of for my job. Normally- but that wasn't the case yesterday. Per my Dean's request, I was strongly guilted encouraged to have my Health Fair at the new Wellness and Recreation Center. This sounds all fine well and good- but I knew better. My health fair normally draws at least 300 people through from Magnolia Ballroom. Yesterday- MAYbe 65, probably closer to 50. But that wasn't the only thing that failed:
#1 I got here early to set up- none of my tables I requested were here. How do you have a health fair without tables for the vendors?? So that made me look like an idiot.
#2 Two vendors contacted me that MORNING to let me know they weren't coming. Three more just didn't even show up.
#3 The Health Fair is my baby. I am completely in charge of everything- except the Nurse Practitioner students. My boss deals with that. Well, my boss didn't show up until 9 something. So freak out. But I guess she trusts me more than I trust myself.
#4 Not only did hardly anyone come, but not a lot of people even knew about it. Awesome. Thanks Communications!
So overall, I feel as if it was one of the worst health fairs I have ever conducted. The food was really good though, so I guess that counts for something.
If you know me well, you know that I am super attentive to details. A lot of people call me a perfectionist. Some people say I am OCD. I don't know if I necessarily agree with the perfectionist part, but I like things to be in order and when they aren't I kind of lose it. I try to do things that are neat and organized and look like a lot of time was put into them. When these things fail, it honestly ruins everything in me. I feel like a failure and hate that I have disappointed my own expectations. Yesterday was one of those days.
I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself or do something where I remind myself that things are going to mess up. The other day my work crew was talking about my "expectations" in people (guys) and my GA said that my expectations were way above outer space and no one will ever live up to them. Everyone laughed, but honestly, it is the truth. BUT- I have to think back and say- well if I don't have high expectations, I will settle for things that are mediocre and not really that great.
"If you fail to plan, plan to fail."- that is kinda the mantra/motto for health promotions. Seriously, the whole essence of the job is planning. I think I am going to start planning with a new direction. Plan in messups. Not so much as planning for failure- but allowing room for error. I don't always see this aspect, but I think if I could plan this way, I think a lot of things would change. Not just in my job.
#1 I got here early to set up- none of my tables I requested were here. How do you have a health fair without tables for the vendors?? So that made me look like an idiot.
#2 Two vendors contacted me that MORNING to let me know they weren't coming. Three more just didn't even show up.
#3 The Health Fair is my baby. I am completely in charge of everything- except the Nurse Practitioner students. My boss deals with that. Well, my boss didn't show up until 9 something. So freak out. But I guess she trusts me more than I trust myself.
#4 Not only did hardly anyone come, but not a lot of people even knew about it. Awesome. Thanks Communications!
So overall, I feel as if it was one of the worst health fairs I have ever conducted. The food was really good though, so I guess that counts for something.
If you know me well, you know that I am super attentive to details. A lot of people call me a perfectionist. Some people say I am OCD. I don't know if I necessarily agree with the perfectionist part, but I like things to be in order and when they aren't I kind of lose it. I try to do things that are neat and organized and look like a lot of time was put into them. When these things fail, it honestly ruins everything in me. I feel like a failure and hate that I have disappointed my own expectations. Yesterday was one of those days.
I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself or do something where I remind myself that things are going to mess up. The other day my work crew was talking about my "expectations" in people (guys) and my GA said that my expectations were way above outer space and no one will ever live up to them. Everyone laughed, but honestly, it is the truth. BUT- I have to think back and say- well if I don't have high expectations, I will settle for things that are mediocre and not really that great.
"If you fail to plan, plan to fail."- that is kinda the mantra/motto for health promotions. Seriously, the whole essence of the job is planning. I think I am going to start planning with a new direction. Plan in messups. Not so much as planning for failure- but allowing room for error. I don't always see this aspect, but I think if I could plan this way, I think a lot of things would change. Not just in my job.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
A Happy Post
I decided to post something fun and happy for once. All my writings lately have been so downcast. My coworker said she cried when she read my blog about my meltdown. So, with that being said, we work on a happy post.
What are something that truly make you happy? I have been thinking about this today and here are a few things:
-When sweet Daisy Griffin won't go to anyone else in church but me- and even faces her 3 yr old shyness in the face and walks down the entire church aisle to come sit with Waychel
-When Mowgli rolls all over my dirty towels. I think I belly laugh every time. That is her purest form of happiness
- When Kroger gives me FREE product coupons- and last night I got an organic protein bar and meatless "chicken" tenders for FREE- hello Vegan week bucket list!
- When I can easily fit into a size I never dreamed of fitting in. Yes, it is a confidence booster.
-When I find really cheap nail polish- in awesome colors. Right now I have a "Show me some skin" mani- I should paint my nails more often. I think that brightens the mood.
-MAKEUP. Oh man- I could write a book on this. I love love love eyeshadows and lips colors. Working for Estee Lauder got me addicted. I got 200 eyeshadows for Christmas- and I use the pallet everrrryday. I like talking makeup, I like doing my own and others makeup, and I just like looking at makeup. Obsessed.
- Accessories. Oh. My. Word. My college boyfriend told me that I could make a white t shirt look good because I paid so much attention to the details of my accesories. I never leave the house without earrings. If I do, Im sick and didnt notice!
-There arent many "foods" that make me happy. Used to be a lot of sweets, but since I rarely eat them anymore, I dont really have a "favorite food". I can honestly say I don't really see food the same way I did. But if I had to choose, a really pretty salad can make my day better.
-When I have 3-5 little kids running up to me at church begging for a hug and some attention. Not many people can say every kid in the church loves on them, but I can. And that melts my heart that these precious kids think I am someone special.
-When my former students still come by and visit- and ask me hard questions about life- and I get to share my faith with them. It is in those instances I can feel God at work in me the most.
-When I get to be a guest speaker. I love people and I love talking to them. The BCM speaking night was so much fun- and I felt at peace about it, and had a great time sharing and could feel the Lord moving in me.
-When people get excited about their health. When the light bulb goes off and they get it. It makes my job a little easier and better.
These are just some of the truly happy moments in my life. "Hook" would say- where is your happy place Peter? Think happy thoughts." and I would encourage you to do the same.
What are something that truly make you happy? I have been thinking about this today and here are a few things:
-When sweet Daisy Griffin won't go to anyone else in church but me- and even faces her 3 yr old shyness in the face and walks down the entire church aisle to come sit with Waychel
-When Mowgli rolls all over my dirty towels. I think I belly laugh every time. That is her purest form of happiness
- When Kroger gives me FREE product coupons- and last night I got an organic protein bar and meatless "chicken" tenders for FREE- hello Vegan week bucket list!
- When I can easily fit into a size I never dreamed of fitting in. Yes, it is a confidence booster.
-When I find really cheap nail polish- in awesome colors. Right now I have a "Show me some skin" mani- I should paint my nails more often. I think that brightens the mood.
-MAKEUP. Oh man- I could write a book on this. I love love love eyeshadows and lips colors. Working for Estee Lauder got me addicted. I got 200 eyeshadows for Christmas- and I use the pallet everrrryday. I like talking makeup, I like doing my own and others makeup, and I just like looking at makeup. Obsessed.
- Accessories. Oh. My. Word. My college boyfriend told me that I could make a white t shirt look good because I paid so much attention to the details of my accesories. I never leave the house without earrings. If I do, Im sick and didnt notice!
-There arent many "foods" that make me happy. Used to be a lot of sweets, but since I rarely eat them anymore, I dont really have a "favorite food". I can honestly say I don't really see food the same way I did. But if I had to choose, a really pretty salad can make my day better.
-When I have 3-5 little kids running up to me at church begging for a hug and some attention. Not many people can say every kid in the church loves on them, but I can. And that melts my heart that these precious kids think I am someone special.
-When my former students still come by and visit- and ask me hard questions about life- and I get to share my faith with them. It is in those instances I can feel God at work in me the most.
-When I get to be a guest speaker. I love people and I love talking to them. The BCM speaking night was so much fun- and I felt at peace about it, and had a great time sharing and could feel the Lord moving in me.
-When people get excited about their health. When the light bulb goes off and they get it. It makes my job a little easier and better.
These are just some of the truly happy moments in my life. "Hook" would say- where is your happy place Peter? Think happy thoughts." and I would encourage you to do the same.
Lyrical Battle
It is 12:52am and I am sitting on the bottom of my stairwell thinking about life. I have been sitting here for almost an hour. Thinking about all the things I need to do- about all the things I need to do that I don't want to do, and about all the things that I have no power over yet have to find some way to make peace with them.
Do you have chores you hate? I hate putting up laundry. Really. Sometimes I just leave it in the baskets for days at a time because I am too lazy to fold it and put it up. Right now it is 1.5 baskets at the moment. Another chore I hate is taking the recyclables off to be recycled. I'm all about the planet and I'm so Miss Eco, but my gosh why does it have to be so hard to recycle?! I have 4 piles that I have to take off tomorrow. And that has been sitting in my pantry for a very long time.
Moving on. Sometimes my mind gets very audible. A lot of times I find myself mixing different songs together to tell a story. So, I am going to share this battle going on in my head.
(Jordin Sparks- No Air) But somehow I'm still alive inside. You took my breath but I survived. I don't know how but I don't even care (Lifehouse-Breathing) I'm finding my way back to sanity again though I really don't know what I'm going to do when I get there. Take a breath and hold on tight, spin around one more time and gracefully fall back into the arms of Grace (Anna Nakick-Breathe) "Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands and breathe..just breathe. Oh breathe..just breathe"- (Michelle Branch- Breathe) If I just breathe let it fill the space between I'll know everything is alright Breathe Every little piece of me You'll see everything is alright if I just breathe" (Matt Maher- Alive)- "Now I'm breathing in and breathing out, I'm alive again"
So, now that it is 1:28 and I havepenned typed this. I guess I will just take these lyrics to heart and really start breathing. Find cleansing in the breaths you breathe. and "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord". If you are still breathing- you still have purpose.
Do you have chores you hate? I hate putting up laundry. Really. Sometimes I just leave it in the baskets for days at a time because I am too lazy to fold it and put it up. Right now it is 1.5 baskets at the moment. Another chore I hate is taking the recyclables off to be recycled. I'm all about the planet and I'm so Miss Eco, but my gosh why does it have to be so hard to recycle?! I have 4 piles that I have to take off tomorrow. And that has been sitting in my pantry for a very long time.
Moving on. Sometimes my mind gets very audible. A lot of times I find myself mixing different songs together to tell a story. So, I am going to share this battle going on in my head.
(Jordin Sparks- No Air) But somehow I'm still alive inside. You took my breath but I survived. I don't know how but I don't even care (Lifehouse-Breathing) I'm finding my way back to sanity again though I really don't know what I'm going to do when I get there. Take a breath and hold on tight, spin around one more time and gracefully fall back into the arms of Grace (Anna Nakick-Breathe) "Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands and breathe..just breathe. Oh breathe..just breathe"- (Michelle Branch- Breathe) If I just breathe let it fill the space between I'll know everything is alright Breathe Every little piece of me You'll see everything is alright if I just breathe" (Matt Maher- Alive)- "Now I'm breathing in and breathing out, I'm alive again"
So, now that it is 1:28 and I have
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
In the Middle of My Madness
Yesterday evening I went and visited my parents. I don't spend near as much time as I should with them, so I decided just to go hang out for a while. My dad and I talked about a few things, then I went and watched the news. I was quickly reminded why I quit watching the news; there was nothing positive on it. My heart broke for the civilians killed in Afghanistan by the deranged American soldier. The conflict in Syria is overwhelming. So as I sat and watched, I fell asleep. When I woke up, apparently the demons of desperation did too. I went to talk to my deddy and then the flood gates opened.
I cried relentlessly about my life and everything in it. I desperately want to have my own place- and not live around drunk loud college students. I am sick of looking and nothing ever working out. Then my deddy tells me I can't afford a house. Well awesome. So, all these time the past 2 years was a waste. Then I talk about just other things in life and cry some more. My mom comes in from work during the middle of this cryfest.
My deddy is my hero, but he doesn't have a good way with words and emotions. I know it is because his dad was the exact same way. So when my mom got there, he let her take over. So, I sat on a small step stool in my parents kitchen and cried. Not just tears peeking out over my cheeks, but my face in my hands and my eyes soaked and snot literally connecting my jacket to my face.
My parents tried to give their best advice, but somehow I can't really process "you just have to get over it". My heart is so broken at this point, I just honestly don't know what to do. So, I left Mowgli for an overnight and for some alone time.
I come home, work out again, and then sit on my couch trying to hold back the waterfalls again. I ask God to show me something in his word about making things new. I searched "made new" on my Bible app. I skim over a few verses, then one jumped out at me.
Isaiah 43:18 "Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past." Could you have made it any more real God? I find myself in the past a lot. Thinking about what was and why that isn't the case now. This breakup has shaken my world up so much, but right there God says forget that. Continue reading verse 19 "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and stream in the wasteland."
Ah God, you got me a again. This is how I interpret that verse "Hellooo! I am doing something new in your life- you dont even feel it whelling up in you do you? I am cutting out a path for you in the middle of this lonely place and I am bringing a source of life to a desserted place."
So, even in the middle of my madness of tears, snot, and a feeling of desperation that I can't explain, God says that HE is at work in me- even if I don't or can't feel it. I am so glad God moves in my meltdowns.
I cried relentlessly about my life and everything in it. I desperately want to have my own place- and not live around drunk loud college students. I am sick of looking and nothing ever working out. Then my deddy tells me I can't afford a house. Well awesome. So, all these time the past 2 years was a waste. Then I talk about just other things in life and cry some more. My mom comes in from work during the middle of this cryfest.
My deddy is my hero, but he doesn't have a good way with words and emotions. I know it is because his dad was the exact same way. So when my mom got there, he let her take over. So, I sat on a small step stool in my parents kitchen and cried. Not just tears peeking out over my cheeks, but my face in my hands and my eyes soaked and snot literally connecting my jacket to my face.
My parents tried to give their best advice, but somehow I can't really process "you just have to get over it". My heart is so broken at this point, I just honestly don't know what to do. So, I left Mowgli for an overnight and for some alone time.
I come home, work out again, and then sit on my couch trying to hold back the waterfalls again. I ask God to show me something in his word about making things new. I searched "made new" on my Bible app. I skim over a few verses, then one jumped out at me.
Isaiah 43:18 "Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past." Could you have made it any more real God? I find myself in the past a lot. Thinking about what was and why that isn't the case now. This breakup has shaken my world up so much, but right there God says forget that. Continue reading verse 19 "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and stream in the wasteland."
Ah God, you got me a again. This is how I interpret that verse "Hellooo! I am doing something new in your life- you dont even feel it whelling up in you do you? I am cutting out a path for you in the middle of this lonely place and I am bringing a source of life to a desserted place."
So, even in the middle of my madness of tears, snot, and a feeling of desperation that I can't explain, God says that HE is at work in me- even if I don't or can't feel it. I am so glad God moves in my meltdowns.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Neighbors
What do all of these verses have in common?
Leviticus 19:18 Zechariah 8:17 Matthew 19:19 Matthew 22:3 Mark 12:31
Luke 10:27 Romans 13:9 Galatians 5:14 James 2:8
They are commandments to love our neighbors as our self. That is NINE verses that tell us to love our neighbors as you love yourself. It must be pretty important, to be mentioned 9 times. I don't know if you struggle with this, but I do. Neighbor: not just those living in close proximity to you, but those who are around you.
I prayed desperately for a new place to live this summer, and God listened and provided a nice townhouse. What I didn't remember to pray for was good neighbors. I have a really good neighbor to the right of me, 1 good one down a few doors to the right and 3 really crappy ones to the left of me. That is all I know in the complex. The 3 next to me- boil my blood to a new level. I have called the cops on them multiple times, still nothing changes.
I was reminded of the essence of these verses last night as I was about to call the cops. Granted, it was just their music that was blarring, but it started at 930pm and lasted til 12am. I can honestly say I can not STAND these 3 people next to me. They are going no where in life, at all, but- God still says I should love them. Loving and liking people are 2 different things, and I hope you realize that.
I want to live my life as if these verses were made alive in me. Too often we read the Word and don't really listen to the Lord as he speaks them to us. Loving people different from yourself is hard- they fail us, they make us uncomfortable, they take advantage of us, they don't respect you, and they certainly seek for the betterment of themselves than consider someone else in the process. But heres the thing: I was once there at one time in my life too. As Christians, we are set apart and called to a higher standard than those who have not found the Lord yet. One of the biggest errors on our part is forgetting that had it not been for grace, we would still be of this world. I want to meet people where they are. Remind me in my heart God, that your blanket of grace is big enough to cover the people that I stuggle with loving. Show me how to love (not the Lil' Wayne version- the Jesus Christ love version). I hope you choose to love the people, your neighbors, that you come into contact with this week.
Leviticus 19:18 Zechariah 8:17 Matthew 19:19 Matthew 22:3 Mark 12:31
Luke 10:27 Romans 13:9 Galatians 5:14 James 2:8
They are commandments to love our neighbors as our self. That is NINE verses that tell us to love our neighbors as you love yourself. It must be pretty important, to be mentioned 9 times. I don't know if you struggle with this, but I do. Neighbor: not just those living in close proximity to you, but those who are around you.
I prayed desperately for a new place to live this summer, and God listened and provided a nice townhouse. What I didn't remember to pray for was good neighbors. I have a really good neighbor to the right of me, 1 good one down a few doors to the right and 3 really crappy ones to the left of me. That is all I know in the complex. The 3 next to me- boil my blood to a new level. I have called the cops on them multiple times, still nothing changes.
I was reminded of the essence of these verses last night as I was about to call the cops. Granted, it was just their music that was blarring, but it started at 930pm and lasted til 12am. I can honestly say I can not STAND these 3 people next to me. They are going no where in life, at all, but- God still says I should love them. Loving and liking people are 2 different things, and I hope you realize that.
I want to live my life as if these verses were made alive in me. Too often we read the Word and don't really listen to the Lord as he speaks them to us. Loving people different from yourself is hard- they fail us, they make us uncomfortable, they take advantage of us, they don't respect you, and they certainly seek for the betterment of themselves than consider someone else in the process. But heres the thing: I was once there at one time in my life too. As Christians, we are set apart and called to a higher standard than those who have not found the Lord yet. One of the biggest errors on our part is forgetting that had it not been for grace, we would still be of this world. I want to meet people where they are. Remind me in my heart God, that your blanket of grace is big enough to cover the people that I stuggle with loving. Show me how to love (not the Lil' Wayne version- the Jesus Christ love version). I hope you choose to love the people, your neighbors, that you come into contact with this week.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
The people that care
People know what is going on in my life, even if I haven't spoken it to them. My countenance is different and they notice the changes when I try to suppress them. I am grateful that these people truly know me, and truly care. Not only have they given me words of encouragement, but they have said they have been praying for me. Do you know how that resounds in my mind? These people care enough about me to pray for me, because they know something isn't right with Rachel.
Am I being that kind of friend to them? Do I notice when people are having a rough day or rough time and try to reach out to them? Or do I just pass them over, because my "problems" are so much more important to deal with? Hmm. Makes me wonder. Am I missing the forest because of the trees; am I so wrapped up in this pity party I have been having that I don't notice other's brokenness. I want to be the kind of friend that these people have been for me.
People have listened to me cry, moan and just listen to the anger and exasperation running through me. They have patiently sat and been there, even when they had their own lives to deal with. People have POURED into me- With their insight, understanding, words of affirmation, and with their time.
You know you are a true friend when you drop everything in your life to help someone deal with something in theirs. One time I called a friend and couldn't even talk because I was crying so much, and she said "get in your car and come over here". This was late at night- yet she reached out to me in my lonely place.
"Praise be to the God and the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God" 2 Cor. 3-4
God comforts us--> We can then use that experience to comfort others in their time of need. I'm forever grateful for the people who have truly made this verse come alive with me.
Am I being that kind of friend to them? Do I notice when people are having a rough day or rough time and try to reach out to them? Or do I just pass them over, because my "problems" are so much more important to deal with? Hmm. Makes me wonder. Am I missing the forest because of the trees; am I so wrapped up in this pity party I have been having that I don't notice other's brokenness. I want to be the kind of friend that these people have been for me.
People have listened to me cry, moan and just listen to the anger and exasperation running through me. They have patiently sat and been there, even when they had their own lives to deal with. People have POURED into me- With their insight, understanding, words of affirmation, and with their time.
You know you are a true friend when you drop everything in your life to help someone deal with something in theirs. One time I called a friend and couldn't even talk because I was crying so much, and she said "get in your car and come over here". This was late at night- yet she reached out to me in my lonely place.
"Praise be to the God and the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God" 2 Cor. 3-4
God comforts us--> We can then use that experience to comfort others in their time of need. I'm forever grateful for the people who have truly made this verse come alive with me.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Plans & that whole "bigger and better" thing
Last night I had the privilege to speak to the BCM as I told you yesterday. It was really exciting to be back in my old "college stomping grounds". BSU, as it was when I was there was my safe haven. I was literally there almost everyday of the week. Most of my friends from college I met here and I went on a lot of mission trips with this ministry. I will be forever grateful for my time spent there.
I prayed about what to talk about for a while, because I didnt want to 1) talk about something not relevant to the students and 2) not cry about my recent circumstances in front of anyone else. I prayed and prayed and God showed me what to talk about.
I talked about how we make plans and so many times our plans FAIL. I told these students of the time when God changed my heart in my Jr year of college to quit thinking I was going to be a Medical Missionary in a hut in Africa. I was going to be a nurse and that is all I knew. I got rejected from Nursing school 3 times, 2 from GCSU and 1 from Medical College of Ga. I was still bound and determined to be a nurse. God had something different in mind.
I went to a conference for BSUs from Tn, GA, SC and AL in Chattanooga TN in February sometime of 2005. I went to this missions breakout session and was ready to hear what it meant to be a missionary. The man was talking and it was really cool, then someone asked about "What about Medical Missions? I want to be a nurse and do medical missions." and right then and there I sat up straighter and was like yeah, what about them. I knew it was going to be awesome whatever he said. He said something to the effect of "Medical missions are great, but a lot of countries are closed to medicine coming in. You cant even take Tylenol into some countries. So, I really just need people who are willing to just talk and build relationships with people, teach them a sport, hang out with them and just get to know them. Nothing big, but just talking to people". I could feel the presence of the Lord more strongly than I had before.
I thought to myself "this is not happening, what? God, that is the only thing I am good at- talking. What are you trying to say to me? NO! I wont have it. Medical Missions bring back my focus. Medical Missions Medical Missions." The whole time this man was talking, I swear it felt like he was looking directly at me. Serious. I was the only one in the room and there were at least 100 people in there. He went on talking about building relationships with people and becomming friends with them was what the mission field needed. The whole time I could feel something that I honestly cant explain. It was just something of bearing and thickness pressing down on my spirit. I know it was the Holy Spirit saying, your plans are great, but God has something so much more for you". By the end of the session, I said, OK God, I hear ya, Im going to change my major (it was my jr year keep that in mind, but I had been taking these Health Education classes just til I got into nursing school..) I went out of that seminar a different person. I knew I was going to change my major come Monday and I knew without a shadow of doubt that God was telling me that this is what he wanted for me. I found one of my friends from school and told them "Im changing my major when we get back" they were like, ok thats cool..not really into it you know?
I remember going and sitting in a chair and just praying, ok God, if this is really what you want, make it real. Make it happen. My friend that I told must have went and told my Best Friend Ashley Strickland during this time. I walk back to our hotel room a little while later and Im just hanging out in the room and Ashley BURSTS in the door and comes up to me and says "I heard you were changing your major" and I said "yeah how did you hear that so quickly?" and she says "I have been praying all weekend for you to change your major because I knew that is not what God wanted for you."
Stop. The. Bus. WHAT? I looked at her with some kind of crazy eye and she said I have been praying God would do something to change your mind because I just knew nursing wasnt for you.
In that moment, God made it real. And I have never once looked back to being a nurse. Health Education is my passion and I get to use my gift of plain old talking to people and try and make a difference in their lives. God knows what he is doing.
I leave you with the verses I used last night. I hope you find some revelation and insight in them.
Jeremiah 29:11
Psalm 33: 10-11
Psalm 94:11
Proverbs 16: 1-4, 9
Philippians 4:6-8
Matthew 6:33
And about that bigger and better thing, I didn't think that was Biblical, but honestly it is, but so much more AWESOME the way the Bible explains it.
Ephesians 3:20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, (NIV)
Amplified Bible is for people who like emphasis- I love this version!
20Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]--
WHOA! It is biblical. God fails our plans to draw us into His, because they are so much more than we could even DREAM up. I want the superabundantly. I want immeasurably more. And if I trust God's plans and not my own, I can't wait to see how this turns out!
I prayed about what to talk about for a while, because I didnt want to 1) talk about something not relevant to the students and 2) not cry about my recent circumstances in front of anyone else. I prayed and prayed and God showed me what to talk about.
I talked about how we make plans and so many times our plans FAIL. I told these students of the time when God changed my heart in my Jr year of college to quit thinking I was going to be a Medical Missionary in a hut in Africa. I was going to be a nurse and that is all I knew. I got rejected from Nursing school 3 times, 2 from GCSU and 1 from Medical College of Ga. I was still bound and determined to be a nurse. God had something different in mind.
I went to a conference for BSUs from Tn, GA, SC and AL in Chattanooga TN in February sometime of 2005. I went to this missions breakout session and was ready to hear what it meant to be a missionary. The man was talking and it was really cool, then someone asked about "What about Medical Missions? I want to be a nurse and do medical missions." and right then and there I sat up straighter and was like yeah, what about them. I knew it was going to be awesome whatever he said. He said something to the effect of "Medical missions are great, but a lot of countries are closed to medicine coming in. You cant even take Tylenol into some countries. So, I really just need people who are willing to just talk and build relationships with people, teach them a sport, hang out with them and just get to know them. Nothing big, but just talking to people". I could feel the presence of the Lord more strongly than I had before.
I thought to myself "this is not happening, what? God, that is the only thing I am good at- talking. What are you trying to say to me? NO! I wont have it. Medical Missions bring back my focus. Medical Missions Medical Missions." The whole time this man was talking, I swear it felt like he was looking directly at me. Serious. I was the only one in the room and there were at least 100 people in there. He went on talking about building relationships with people and becomming friends with them was what the mission field needed. The whole time I could feel something that I honestly cant explain. It was just something of bearing and thickness pressing down on my spirit. I know it was the Holy Spirit saying, your plans are great, but God has something so much more for you". By the end of the session, I said, OK God, I hear ya, Im going to change my major (it was my jr year keep that in mind, but I had been taking these Health Education classes just til I got into nursing school..) I went out of that seminar a different person. I knew I was going to change my major come Monday and I knew without a shadow of doubt that God was telling me that this is what he wanted for me. I found one of my friends from school and told them "Im changing my major when we get back" they were like, ok thats cool..not really into it you know?
I remember going and sitting in a chair and just praying, ok God, if this is really what you want, make it real. Make it happen. My friend that I told must have went and told my Best Friend Ashley Strickland during this time. I walk back to our hotel room a little while later and Im just hanging out in the room and Ashley BURSTS in the door and comes up to me and says "I heard you were changing your major" and I said "yeah how did you hear that so quickly?" and she says "I have been praying all weekend for you to change your major because I knew that is not what God wanted for you."
Stop. The. Bus. WHAT? I looked at her with some kind of crazy eye and she said I have been praying God would do something to change your mind because I just knew nursing wasnt for you.
In that moment, God made it real. And I have never once looked back to being a nurse. Health Education is my passion and I get to use my gift of plain old talking to people and try and make a difference in their lives. God knows what he is doing.
I leave you with the verses I used last night. I hope you find some revelation and insight in them.
Jeremiah 29:11
Psalm 33: 10-11
Psalm 94:11
Proverbs 16: 1-4, 9
Philippians 4:6-8
Matthew 6:33
And about that bigger and better thing, I didn't think that was Biblical, but honestly it is, but so much more AWESOME the way the Bible explains it.
Ephesians 3:20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, (NIV)
Amplified Bible is for people who like emphasis- I love this version!
20Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]--
WHOA! It is biblical. God fails our plans to draw us into His, because they are so much more than we could even DREAM up. I want the superabundantly. I want immeasurably more. And if I trust God's plans and not my own, I can't wait to see how this turns out!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Divine appointments
Back again. Whoop. Yeahhh.
Today is a BIG day for me. Im the guest speaker at the BCM (formerly Baptist Student Union for all the people who were in school with me!) and I am kinda still in shock I was even asked to speak. The new Campus Minister is really cool and has a really genuine family here with him in Milledgeville. Why he asked me- I may never know that answer. Maybe he thinks I am awesome.. I will let him keep believing that! Anyway, I will blog about what will have talked about tomorrow. For now, I want to share insight into something my friend Brett Chatham introduced me to my sophmore/his freshman year of college. I think it was then. If it wasn't that exact time frame- it was sometime while we were in college ministry at Northside!!
I wholeheartedly believe in Divine Appointments. That is- There is something other than a coinsidence driving you to where you are and when you come in contact with people. God has ordained these appointments and it isn't just because you live in a small town and see everybody at the store- or isn't just because you get a random phone call out of the blue. No my friends, (if anyoen is even reading this), it is inspired by God.
Let's take yesterday for example. I have been trying to work out more and with that comes walking Mowgli more. Lately, I have been making her walk really far- because I have had a lot to say to God and am trying to listen and commune with him. I decided we would take a different route. I always go right one day and left the next, and make a big square block, but today, I went completely left-and up by First Baptist. I never go "up" this way, I usually come "down" this way on its designated days. Anyway..I pass by Washington Street- the prettiest street in Milledgeville said my late friend Matt Flurry. It is. So pretty with the overlapping trees and just how the road is divided..I decided to not turn down it and just go on up another block.
Im walking, Mowgli is peeing- you know how it goes. And then, I see a really nicely dressed guy walking from the school in my direction- and I'm thinking- why is is professor so dressed up? Anyway as I am getting to make my right turn, this guy says Hey Rachel! And I didnt recognize him, but as he got closer and I heard his voice more, I realized it was a college friend of mine named Jared. He was in town for a Career Fair at the School and doing some recruiting. We made small talk about how I was sorry I couldnt talk to him when he called last month because I was at a conference and then he said I saw about your dog, I am really sorry to hear about that. And I proceeded to tell him yeah, it was really hard, considering it happened right after my boyfriend broke up with me. Jared was so compassionate and said I will be praying for things to get better for you. We talked about some other stuff and then I asked how he was. He got sort or downtrodden and said "I dont know if you knew this or not, but my father passed away in (October I believe)."
At that moment, God gave me a big punch in the stomach. I could hear him saying "See my child, if the worst things for you right now are a breakup and your dog dying, you have it pretty good compared to some other people". Ouch. ohh. Throughout this whole process God has been trying to tell me, someone has things so much more worse than you, so shut up complaining. I have complained a lot, and cried a lot, but complained more. My sweet friend was still coming to grips that his deddy (he says it too!) was not here anymore and my heart just wanted to go out to him.
I talked with Jared for probbaly 10 more minutes about our "plans" and how they always fail if God isnt in them. We talked about being real with God and not being angry, but just being real with God and pouring out our hearts to him and just asking him questions. Read Psalms. My coworker told me one day that all throughout the Psalms people start the passage with "oh woe is me, why are you doing this to me God, I hate my life" kind of beginnings, but by the end, their attitude has changed when they realize God is still God and still in control, even when the world is passing you by or failing you. It is OK to be real with God. It is ok to tell him how miserable you are. It is OK to cry.
What I am learning, through the Word, my true friends who genuienly care about my well being, and my own search for peace with my communion with God, is that it is NOT ok to dwell in this misery, in the bad things of our situations. Dwell: sit or stay or tarry there. You think about it more. It consumes you if you dwell in something (good or bad). Dwell is such an old fashioned word but such a relavent piece of advice. Dwell. it's a fun word to say, like Fransisco! ;0 Dwell, really think about it.
If I want to be happy, or just enjoy what I am given, I must choose to dwell in the place of happiness. Dwell in the arms of Christ that were stretched out on a cross to cover me and my ugly shameful sins. Dwell in the riches that God has promised me- an heir to the throne of a kingdom. Dwell in the peace that passes all understanding (And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:7)
What are you dwelling in friends? When I think of dwell I get the image of a pig who likes to wallow in the mud. They cover themselves with it. Then when it gets dry- the run right back to it and roll around in it some more. Are you rolling around in self pity? Are you choosing to tarry in the mindset of depression?? Are you dwelling on the past and the things that you cannot control? If I am going to be a dweller, I say to you, Imma dwell in the good mud! Not the mud that smells and ruins everything, but the mud that covers me and surrounds me with comfort and peace. The mud that doesnt dry up. The mud that is lasting and sustaining. Im going to dwell in the Lord.
I know that God ordained my sidewalk appointment with Jared yesterday. I know that God puts those little blessings in our lives to remind us that he still cares, he is still there. God hears, every little whimper. Thank God for the Divine Appointments you are sometimes surprised with- and dwell in the Lord.
Today is a BIG day for me. Im the guest speaker at the BCM (formerly Baptist Student Union for all the people who were in school with me!) and I am kinda still in shock I was even asked to speak. The new Campus Minister is really cool and has a really genuine family here with him in Milledgeville. Why he asked me- I may never know that answer. Maybe he thinks I am awesome.. I will let him keep believing that! Anyway, I will blog about what will have talked about tomorrow. For now, I want to share insight into something my friend Brett Chatham introduced me to my sophmore/his freshman year of college. I think it was then. If it wasn't that exact time frame- it was sometime while we were in college ministry at Northside!!
I wholeheartedly believe in Divine Appointments. That is- There is something other than a coinsidence driving you to where you are and when you come in contact with people. God has ordained these appointments and it isn't just because you live in a small town and see everybody at the store- or isn't just because you get a random phone call out of the blue. No my friends, (if anyoen is even reading this), it is inspired by God.
Let's take yesterday for example. I have been trying to work out more and with that comes walking Mowgli more. Lately, I have been making her walk really far- because I have had a lot to say to God and am trying to listen and commune with him. I decided we would take a different route. I always go right one day and left the next, and make a big square block, but today, I went completely left-and up by First Baptist. I never go "up" this way, I usually come "down" this way on its designated days. Anyway..I pass by Washington Street- the prettiest street in Milledgeville said my late friend Matt Flurry. It is. So pretty with the overlapping trees and just how the road is divided..I decided to not turn down it and just go on up another block.
Im walking, Mowgli is peeing- you know how it goes. And then, I see a really nicely dressed guy walking from the school in my direction- and I'm thinking- why is is professor so dressed up? Anyway as I am getting to make my right turn, this guy says Hey Rachel! And I didnt recognize him, but as he got closer and I heard his voice more, I realized it was a college friend of mine named Jared. He was in town for a Career Fair at the School and doing some recruiting. We made small talk about how I was sorry I couldnt talk to him when he called last month because I was at a conference and then he said I saw about your dog, I am really sorry to hear about that. And I proceeded to tell him yeah, it was really hard, considering it happened right after my boyfriend broke up with me. Jared was so compassionate and said I will be praying for things to get better for you. We talked about some other stuff and then I asked how he was. He got sort or downtrodden and said "I dont know if you knew this or not, but my father passed away in (October I believe)."
At that moment, God gave me a big punch in the stomach. I could hear him saying "See my child, if the worst things for you right now are a breakup and your dog dying, you have it pretty good compared to some other people". Ouch. ohh. Throughout this whole process God has been trying to tell me, someone has things so much more worse than you, so shut up complaining. I have complained a lot, and cried a lot, but complained more. My sweet friend was still coming to grips that his deddy (he says it too!) was not here anymore and my heart just wanted to go out to him.
I talked with Jared for probbaly 10 more minutes about our "plans" and how they always fail if God isnt in them. We talked about being real with God and not being angry, but just being real with God and pouring out our hearts to him and just asking him questions. Read Psalms. My coworker told me one day that all throughout the Psalms people start the passage with "oh woe is me, why are you doing this to me God, I hate my life" kind of beginnings, but by the end, their attitude has changed when they realize God is still God and still in control, even when the world is passing you by or failing you. It is OK to be real with God. It is ok to tell him how miserable you are. It is OK to cry.
What I am learning, through the Word, my true friends who genuienly care about my well being, and my own search for peace with my communion with God, is that it is NOT ok to dwell in this misery, in the bad things of our situations. Dwell: sit or stay or tarry there. You think about it more. It consumes you if you dwell in something (good or bad). Dwell is such an old fashioned word but such a relavent piece of advice. Dwell. it's a fun word to say, like Fransisco! ;0 Dwell, really think about it.
If I want to be happy, or just enjoy what I am given, I must choose to dwell in the place of happiness. Dwell in the arms of Christ that were stretched out on a cross to cover me and my ugly shameful sins. Dwell in the riches that God has promised me- an heir to the throne of a kingdom. Dwell in the peace that passes all understanding (And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:7)
What are you dwelling in friends? When I think of dwell I get the image of a pig who likes to wallow in the mud. They cover themselves with it. Then when it gets dry- the run right back to it and roll around in it some more. Are you rolling around in self pity? Are you choosing to tarry in the mindset of depression?? Are you dwelling on the past and the things that you cannot control? If I am going to be a dweller, I say to you, Imma dwell in the good mud! Not the mud that smells and ruins everything, but the mud that covers me and surrounds me with comfort and peace. The mud that doesnt dry up. The mud that is lasting and sustaining. Im going to dwell in the Lord.
I know that God ordained my sidewalk appointment with Jared yesterday. I know that God puts those little blessings in our lives to remind us that he still cares, he is still there. God hears, every little whimper. Thank God for the Divine Appointments you are sometimes surprised with- and dwell in the Lord.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Bucket List
It is perfectly fine for me to say I have had a rough past 2 months. Rough might not even begin to explain it. Miserable would be a good word. BUT, I decided the other day that I need to quit thinking about all of the negative things and actually work to making positive memories. (My friend told me JUST last night- in response to how does your heart heal after your boyfriend dumps you and your dog dies- "Time..but you cant dwell in the past. And if you do, why dwell on the sad negative things. think of the good things". So profound. So risky. So true. I want to live in the present and not dwell on the past. So, thank you friend who sent me that text. I have it locked for future reference when I have a pity party again.I made a Spring Bucket list the other day. Sounds lame, but it is more of working towards goals for me. I got out some clothes pins, a small pail from the flowers my mom sent me on Valentines day, and some cardstock and tape. I made a list in my planner and then transferred each item to the pin. My Graduate Assistant will tell you if I don't write things down, it doesn't happen. Seriously- how did I get voted Most Dependable in High School??? I have no idea. Because if I dont physically write down things- they don't happen or don't exist.
So- I wrote down the things I want to accomplish between March and May. Some of them are really awesome- and some of them may seem incredibly petty to an outside viewer, but I want to do them.
A few of the things are: Hike/visit all of the state parks in GA (there are 7 to visit in this time frame); Sew something from a pattern; Write a song worth singing (I have so much in mind for this); Paint a picture worthy of hanging (Because I cant stand painting something and then it not being cool after a few months); Go to a Braves Spring game; Go camping- with a tent (I have only done this once in my life and I really just want to do it again). I think there are about 25ish bucket list things. I have a lot of work to do. But I have to get myself out of this self pity party that I have been having. I want to make some new memories and learn to love life again.
I hope that in reading this you will think of all the things you would like to accomplish in yoru life and make a bucket list. I started short term, Right now I don't have a MAJOR bucket list of things to do before I die, but there are these things that would add to the satisfaction of my present state. Live in the present; dont dwell on the past.
I have always said "Your past is in the past for a reason, you can't change it, but you can prevent your future". Whether you make a "bucket" list or set out to change your life, I know that good memories are much more becomming than negative ones that way you down. You grow from positivity. Negativity kills. Your choice.
The life I Live
I wanted to blog the other night, but I was too lazy to turn on my laptop and my phone wouldn't let me sign in. So, I'm back today. When people ask how my weekend is, I sometimes want to cry because I am so lame and don't do anything! This past Friday I did get to see a lot of my family for a surprise birthday party. It really does my heart good to see my cousins that are close to my age. They are all so sweet. My dad and I ventured to Milner and had a good time singing in the car. Thanks for raising me on classic rock Deddy!
No Blondes in this family!
Saturday, I braved the elements and took Mowgli on a walk. Hike. Same difference. We walked from our apt to the Greenway. Do you know how far that is? It is pretty far. Im not ever going to the greenway alone again. I felt like someone was going to jump out of the wodds and attack me the entire time. Mowgli was just as paranoid looking around every few steps. Came home and CLEANED the entire townhouse, then went and did makeup for a sweet girl from my church for her 1st Battallion Ball. Fun times with the girls. The finished Rebekah! I must say I do good work! 
No Blondes in this family!
Saturday, I braved the elements and took Mowgli on a walk. Hike. Same difference. We walked from our apt to the Greenway. Do you know how far that is? It is pretty far. Im not ever going to the greenway alone again. I felt like someone was going to jump out of the wodds and attack me the entire time. Mowgli was just as paranoid looking around every few steps. Came home and CLEANED the entire townhouse, then went and did makeup for a sweet girl from my church for her 1st Battallion Ball. Fun times with the girls. The finished Rebekah! I must say I do good work! 
Janna has been an ever present friend in my time of need.
Then Sunday- church, visit with my parents, then home to watch "He's just not that into you". Perspective is all I can say. Everything in that movie is so dead on. Makes me really think about things after this breakup. Why try so desperately to make things happen that we want, when in turn, we just need to give up. Because- as a wise friend of mine once told me in college "Whatever "it" is, is going to happen, regardless of if you try and speed it up or slow it down. God is in control, its so hard to remember that sometimes.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Time..So Much Changes Over Time
Wow. My life is so completely different than it was in May of 2011. So much has changed. I missed blogging. I missed these memories I wanted to keep in written form. I want to do better at that. I want to set a goal to blog at least 3 times a week. Nothing fancy, but a recap. Right now, I'm learning the hard way that life doesn't go at all as we as mortals plan. But, thankfully I serve God, and even though his way hurts sometimes, his way is better than mine. I just have a hard time admitting or wanting that. I read a verse the other day and I want to share it with you. Right now, "you" is empty space, because I know no one reads this. But I will humor myself. "Overhearing what they said, Jesus said 'Don't be afraid, just believe.' Mark 5:36" I am not sure of what you are going through right now- but I can tell you this word speaks comfort. Whether is is monsters under your child's bed, a relationship that ended out of no where, the passing of your beloved pet, uncertainty about the future, or just plain old not having anything to hold on to and feeling alone, Jesus himself said for us to not be afraid. I personally have had ALL of those things happen to me (minus the kid part) in the last month. My perspective on life has truly changed.
If Christ himself said for me to not be afraid, man, that speaks volumes to my lonely heart. Just believe. That is Macy's motto for Christmas "Believe"- and they put that on a huge strung up sign ont he side of the building in New York. Now, their belief is in the magic of Christmas. Thank God I believe in the miracle of Christ. But you see how powerful that belief is??? The things we hold true are the things that will in turn be evident in our lives.
Believe it will happen. Believe God is Sovereign and he does want good things for his children. I heard it said on the radio right after my break up that "you are either going in a storm, inside of a storm, or coming out of one and this is to be expected as Christians". This is so true. God is always refining and sharpening us, maybe even taking away some of the "comforts" of this earth to make us more like him. Does it hurt? Most assuredly. Does it make us feel vulnerable and uneasy? Of course. Is it worth it? To be more Christ-like is always worth it- whether we enjoy the trials or not. I say this, and right now I am in one of the lowest times of my life, but I know that God is faithful- and will never leave me. Even in the midst of my wanderings, God is still there and still in control, regardless of what I try to do to speed up my life or slow it down, God's will is ultimately going to be the one that makes a difference in my life. Not me.
It has been a remarkably hard past 2 months. My heart was broken in places I didnt know it could be broken. I have cried more in the past 2 months than I have in my entire life- i could fill an ocean with my tears. God is working on me, and friend, it hurts, but I have to hold confident that He who began a good work in me will complete it. (Phil 1:6)
I want to share my thoughts even if for my own benefit of release. I hope you find this journey fun, because I know I have to be Bound For More that what my present state is.
If Christ himself said for me to not be afraid, man, that speaks volumes to my lonely heart. Just believe. That is Macy's motto for Christmas "Believe"- and they put that on a huge strung up sign ont he side of the building in New York. Now, their belief is in the magic of Christmas. Thank God I believe in the miracle of Christ. But you see how powerful that belief is??? The things we hold true are the things that will in turn be evident in our lives.
Believe it will happen. Believe God is Sovereign and he does want good things for his children. I heard it said on the radio right after my break up that "you are either going in a storm, inside of a storm, or coming out of one and this is to be expected as Christians". This is so true. God is always refining and sharpening us, maybe even taking away some of the "comforts" of this earth to make us more like him. Does it hurt? Most assuredly. Does it make us feel vulnerable and uneasy? Of course. Is it worth it? To be more Christ-like is always worth it- whether we enjoy the trials or not. I say this, and right now I am in one of the lowest times of my life, but I know that God is faithful- and will never leave me. Even in the midst of my wanderings, God is still there and still in control, regardless of what I try to do to speed up my life or slow it down, God's will is ultimately going to be the one that makes a difference in my life. Not me.
It has been a remarkably hard past 2 months. My heart was broken in places I didnt know it could be broken. I have cried more in the past 2 months than I have in my entire life- i could fill an ocean with my tears. God is working on me, and friend, it hurts, but I have to hold confident that He who began a good work in me will complete it. (Phil 1:6)
I want to share my thoughts even if for my own benefit of release. I hope you find this journey fun, because I know I have to be Bound For More that what my present state is.
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