Crybaby

The time has come- the weekend is over. People keep asking how I'm doing, I just want to say- here, read this and you will know how I really am doing. 


Friday I was the guest speaker for the Health club at Blandy Elementary- then had some special deddy-daughter time at Mellow Mushroom, then my deddy took Mowgli for the weekend. 


So- I was home alone at 8pm on a Friday night.This really isn't how I pictured my life at age 27, but this is how it is. I am sure there were lots of things that I could have been doing, but they didn't happen. At 8:55pm I crawled into bed and then it started. It is awfully amazing how you can see something that reminds you of someone- and then cry. Cry until there is nothing left in you. Cry to the point where you are just holding your tshirt over your face so you dont have to continually wipe the tears away. The cry that makes you feel like every fiber in you is welling up these tears, almost like your body is working against you- because you know you don't want to do this. You have no idea how the body can produce so much fluid and yet it continues to stream down your face. 


So, I literally just laid there and cried. I cried for 40 minutes then tried to get it together and find some comfort in God's word. I searched, but I wasn't really sure what I was searching for- just something to honestly make me stop crying. I read lots of verses, but I kept going back to 1 John 4. The entire chapter. My coworker had shared verse 4 with me earlier,  and I was just drawn to it. It tied in with my post about Jesus overcoming the world. The verse says You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.  I have certainly reached my breaking point 2 and a half months later still, and I am just struggling. I was reminded of the very post that I wrote- Jesus overcame the world and HE IS IN ME. He is more powerful and greater than the stupid liar Satan who is here in this world. I kept reading. The rest of the chapter talks about loving others with God's love and how God's love is made complete in us, as well as while we are here in this world- we are like Jesus.


My attitude changed as I was shown how God really did show love to the world. Am I truly being like Jesus? Ha. The answer is a large and in charge NO. He was in constant communication with the Father, and never complained about his situations. He rejoiced in everything and made it a point to minister to others- even when he didn't want to. My attitude and being hasn't been that- all I have seemed to be doing is crying. Constantly feeling like I am drowning because I am surrounded by an ocean of tears.


I prayed that God would make those verses real to me -then tried not to cry myself to sleep, but that was a fail as well. 


Today, Sunday- urgh. Cryday as well. A tear stained face is how I entered and left church tonight and I had been crying at my parents again earlier that day. Whoever said "It gets easier" lied. I wasn't a cryer before this relationship. Now I cry at the drop of a a hat. Over lots of things, not just my relationship failing. The cries today were at least not as ugly as the one from Monday. Geeze, that was awful. These were manageable, but hurt none the less. 


When will this brokenness leave me? When will I not cry myself to sleep? When will I not cry at the sight of something that reminds me of that relationship and that person? When will it get "easier"? When When When? I don't and won't have the answer for that. I have to remember this is a process- and I am not in control of the refinement department. 


I am not putting all of this out there to make you feel sorry for me. NOT in the least. Sometimes when I write out things it makes it more real to me- or allows me to see how dumb I am being because this sounds completely ridiculous that I am crying this much. Maybe that is part of it. I don't know, but I'm grateful for the friends who notice my tear stained face and pull me away to talk. They know. And I am grateful that they don't judge me when I break down in front of them. 


I am not sure what lies ahead, but I am certain that these tears are cleansing a part of me that is desperate for healing.