Well, it has been a while since I blogged. It isn't because I haven't had things to say or haven't had the time- its just frustrations. I am not so much a person of routine when it comes to life, there are only a few things that I enjoy doing routinely (brushing my teeth, shopping, things of that nature). I have been up at all hours of the night lately, and could have written my thoughts out- but I choose to neglect writing and bottle those feelings up. Sometimes that is good- sometimes its not.
I am so frustrated with life right now. Let down, disappointed, confused, and just feel like I am starring into a black hole. Nothing seems to be looking up, so it is just really hard to be in this position.
Here is what I am frustrated with today:
Young Adult/College Class- The yaccs if you will. Is it THAT hard to get out of bed and come to church? No, wait. Some of you are already at church, but you leave and don't come to Sunday School. Then you don't speak to me in church but sit within 2 pews of me. That's cool. Oh- and you can even come to church events, but you refuse to come to SS. Seriously- someone else can have this job- because I am giving up on it and the people in it.
Work- If I am doing 2 full time jobs- I should be getting paid like I am doing 2 full time jobs. Don't just assume since I take over one part of an aspect of someone's job that I am agreeing to do it all for free. You can afford to pay me- or this work won't be done by me.
Housing- I have 2 weeks roughly to make a decision about my living arrangements and I am no more closer to figuring out anything that when I started. Just awesome.
Money- Do you know how hard it is to get paid once a month? It is rough let me just tell you. I have learned to budget because of this, but when unexpected money losses occur, it is quite hard to get back on your feet. Really sucks to literally have to be here.
Exercise- I am at the point where I have started hating it again, which isn't good because I am deathly terrified of gaining back everything I have lost. I just am so tired and frustrated with it lately. Seems like everyone else is stronger than me and looks better and I just want to give up.
Softball- Oh my gosh- really, I don't need to get started. First- I had a rough scrimmage the other day and it got the best of me. When did I become so emotional? My coach noticed I was upset, because when I am upset I don't talk or do anything. Just numb. Thankfully he didn't see my 2 crocodile tears slip down my face. I am the only girl on the team, and I take that as a very special privilege. I don't want to be treated like the "sissy girl" of the team, I want to be valued as an asset, but I don't think that is the case. I hit awful the other day and that didn't help my cause. Also- to the loudmouth in the stands- you are going to have to shut up when the season starts- you are ridiculously loud and annoying. Don't come out to the fields thinking you can be that loud- it is not a good thing. I can't focus when I hear you and others talking about how I am hitting. If you are so AWESOME, oh wait- you aren't on the team so keep your comments to yourself.
There. That is all what I am dealing with today. I hung out with some friends Sunday night and he was listening to me complain about life and softball- and told me of an awfully sad story about a new baby from a family friend passing away- and he said "So, just be reminded that someone has it a lot worse than you."
Yes. He was right. Lets's go back through those frustrations and see what blessings I have been given:
YACCs- The ones that come still matter and I shouldn't equate them to the others. At least they do come.
Work- I have a job- with benefits, flexibility, and responsibility.
Housing- If it isn't my time to have a house, it isn't my time. I am not homeless and have 2 options if buying a home doesn't work out.
Money- Though I am missing a lot of $, I have enough stuff (food, personal) to get me through 2 more weeks.
Exercise- I can move and sweat, some don't get that luxury- and do it for free.
Softball- I am the only girl on the team- that should say something. I have been given the ability to play.
Go back over your list and see what you can turn into blessings.
My real life. Sometimes I say what I feel, sometimes I don't know what to say.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Why you so obsessed with Me?
Do you ever find yourself obsessed with something? I certainly do. And I don't think it is me being a Type A personality either. Here are a few of my current obsessions (and that to me means, having a lot of, nothing else matters, you gravitate towards things in this category, you go out looking for these specific things, etc.)
This is what I want: And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. (Philippians 1:9-11)
- Colors. Currently is is Seafoam green, gold and cream. We have come a long way since college when it was Turquoise and Brown. Who remembers that? Everything I owned was these two colors, yikes. Now, I see the entire color spectrum and appreciate the individuality each one brings.
Stripes-I am not so much a fan of Chevron, but I like wide stripes. I recently went shopping in February and came home with nothing but striped shirts.- Nautical stuff- I searched high and low for an anchor necklace in the Bahamas- finally finding it at a kiosk in the Market place. I have an anchor bag I took on the trip too. I have new red, white, and blue leather boat shoes; I am currently wearing a nautical rope printed scarf and rope bracelet. I want gold knot earrings.
- I was super obsessed over the Hunger Games. NEVER in my life have I ever stayed up til the wee hours of the morning to read a book- let alone 3 in a matter of 2 weeks. I read by chapters anyway, I would get so far, and then the chapter would have me literally hanging on by the edge of my seat that I HAD to finish on.
- Good deals. Im a sucker for a sale. Yesterday, I got a new Nike pullover regular $50 for $19 and sports bra for $10, regular $25. Still may seem like a lot, but you can't beat the quality of Nike clothes. I coupon too. My best trip was a gallon of milk, 2 bags of M & Ms, and 4 cards for $0.28. I was awesome that day.
- Weight loss. I have a goal I
wantneedhave to get to, and I beat myself up a lot when I over do it on the eating departing me or when I don't exercise as much as I should. I seriously can't afford to join a gym right now, So I am having to do everything at home. Last night I ate 6 wings (only b/c I didnt want to take 2 wings home); My normal is 4. So, as punishment I guess, I made myself do an extra 20 push ups last night. Totalling 142 for one day. I obsess over what I eat, in a paranoid way. Down to the single chocolate covered almond. And then I recount how terrible of a person I am that I can't lose weight- and back to square one. On, and I obsess on the number on the scale. - Shoes. I have a shoe obsession to the max. I'm cheap though. I have to find shoes on sale or have a good deal to purchase them. I went in last week for one pair (knowing I was going to buy 2 because of BOGO, but I came out with 4. Great decision. And, I have found, if the shoe fits, buy it in multiple colors. Most of my shoes do come in 2 colors when you gaze into my closet!
This is what I want: And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. (Philippians 1:9-11)
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Well, its Wednesday
Our Frustrations= God's Blessings
As I was preparing to write this, I got a text from an old friend who asked me to call him when I got the chance. My friend picked up and moved to Indiana about 2 years ago- in search of more for himself. He texted me and asked for some advice. I called, and some 45 minutes later, I am understanding that God works in purposeful, even though we don't understand it, ways. I think mysterious ways too, but more so direct and intentional.
My friend asked how I was and I said- you want the long or short version- and he said let me hear the long because I am just really not wanting to focus on my life issues right now. So, in a 5 minutes spiel, I told him of the past events for the last 4 months. And then he said, I can totally understand. My sweet friend had just had his world rocked by his girlfriend breaking up with him- via text message- last night. He had been ring shopping; they dated for a year and a half. He could have called anyone in Georgia, but he chose to call me. Now you explain that. I know it is because God used my story to help my friend.
I talked to him about everything that I have learned on my own, telling him nothing anyone says is going to help, how sucky it is going to be, and that the only thing that you can rely on is Scripture. I even shared some of the verses God has shown me through all of this- and he said you don't know how much this helps. I shared Ephesians 3:30, Philippians 1:6, and Jeremiah 29:11-14. My friend had recently quit his big time railroad job because he wasnt happy, and waited 6 or 7 months to look for a new job. He just started managing a pizza place, and then the breakup happened last night. He really has nothing in Indiana. A few friends, maybe you can count them on one hand, no family, and no career.
So what do you think I told him to do? Pack it up and move it home. I told him there was no reason for him to stay there and the only way to get over the breakup was to get away from it, because being around it and all the things that remind you of it, don't help (from experience). (I did tell him before he left that he had to stop by the Vera Bradley outlet in Ft. Wayne and pick me up a few things!) And he said, after a good chuckle, because he knows my Vera request was real, he said, I just needed someone to tell me that. I needed to hear it from someone, and I am so glad you called me.
Friends, (readers), God is real. I havent talked to this friend in a LONG time- and God made him call me, of all his friends at home- because he wanted someone to be real with him. The frustration of my breakup and all my mishaps of life lately, were turned around into a blessing for someone else. All my disappointments and struggles and tears, helped someone else who is going through the same thing. I am not taking any credit for talking my friend down, it is only God who did that. I just got to be a witness.
Think about all your messups, all of the things in your life that have truly exasperated you, all the things that you were like "Really God?" or "Are you kidding me? Not now". Think about all the things you cried over. Or maybe even shook your fist at. Maybe it is frustrations with your family. A fight with a long time friend. Not getting what you wanted, like getting pregnant or losing a baby. It might be making a big ol' mess out of something that was so simple. It could be giving up everything to start a new life, only to have nothing seem to pan out. It might be the death of someone too soon, or a life altering event. Divorce. Moving. Failing a big academic test. Whatever your frustrations are, I can tell you that God, if we allow him to, uses the things that set us off, and turns it around for a blessing for someone else. We may never see these blessings with our own eyes, or hear about it with our own ears, generations later may reap the benefit of our struggles- BUT God is still at work. Even when it feels like we are in the middle of a tornado and the world is spinning by us, God still has his hand in our lives.
Take time today to thank God for the frustrations in your life that have drawn you closer to him, and use your story to bless others.
As I was preparing to write this, I got a text from an old friend who asked me to call him when I got the chance. My friend picked up and moved to Indiana about 2 years ago- in search of more for himself. He texted me and asked for some advice. I called, and some 45 minutes later, I am understanding that God works in purposeful, even though we don't understand it, ways. I think mysterious ways too, but more so direct and intentional.
My friend asked how I was and I said- you want the long or short version- and he said let me hear the long because I am just really not wanting to focus on my life issues right now. So, in a 5 minutes spiel, I told him of the past events for the last 4 months. And then he said, I can totally understand. My sweet friend had just had his world rocked by his girlfriend breaking up with him- via text message- last night. He had been ring shopping; they dated for a year and a half. He could have called anyone in Georgia, but he chose to call me. Now you explain that. I know it is because God used my story to help my friend.
I talked to him about everything that I have learned on my own, telling him nothing anyone says is going to help, how sucky it is going to be, and that the only thing that you can rely on is Scripture. I even shared some of the verses God has shown me through all of this- and he said you don't know how much this helps. I shared Ephesians 3:30, Philippians 1:6, and Jeremiah 29:11-14. My friend had recently quit his big time railroad job because he wasnt happy, and waited 6 or 7 months to look for a new job. He just started managing a pizza place, and then the breakup happened last night. He really has nothing in Indiana. A few friends, maybe you can count them on one hand, no family, and no career.
So what do you think I told him to do? Pack it up and move it home. I told him there was no reason for him to stay there and the only way to get over the breakup was to get away from it, because being around it and all the things that remind you of it, don't help (from experience). (I did tell him before he left that he had to stop by the Vera Bradley outlet in Ft. Wayne and pick me up a few things!) And he said, after a good chuckle, because he knows my Vera request was real, he said, I just needed someone to tell me that. I needed to hear it from someone, and I am so glad you called me.
Friends, (readers), God is real. I havent talked to this friend in a LONG time- and God made him call me, of all his friends at home- because he wanted someone to be real with him. The frustration of my breakup and all my mishaps of life lately, were turned around into a blessing for someone else. All my disappointments and struggles and tears, helped someone else who is going through the same thing. I am not taking any credit for talking my friend down, it is only God who did that. I just got to be a witness.
Think about all your messups, all of the things in your life that have truly exasperated you, all the things that you were like "Really God?" or "Are you kidding me? Not now". Think about all the things you cried over. Or maybe even shook your fist at. Maybe it is frustrations with your family. A fight with a long time friend. Not getting what you wanted, like getting pregnant or losing a baby. It might be making a big ol' mess out of something that was so simple. It could be giving up everything to start a new life, only to have nothing seem to pan out. It might be the death of someone too soon, or a life altering event. Divorce. Moving. Failing a big academic test. Whatever your frustrations are, I can tell you that God, if we allow him to, uses the things that set us off, and turns it around for a blessing for someone else. We may never see these blessings with our own eyes, or hear about it with our own ears, generations later may reap the benefit of our struggles- BUT God is still at work. Even when it feels like we are in the middle of a tornado and the world is spinning by us, God still has his hand in our lives.
Take time today to thank God for the frustrations in your life that have drawn you closer to him, and use your story to bless others.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
It happens in a blink
From where I was to what I am- by far this has been one of the most emotional years of my life. I am not sure what to make of it. I think I am ok, then I am slowly reminded when I am alone that I am not.
I saw a good friend and coworker of mine yesterday while I was walking Mowgli, a different route, another divine appointment. We talked about work, life, and Easter. Jamaal has always been a great friend of mine and I know he is a genuine friend who truly cares about me. We caught up for a few minutes then he headed in for his night shift with Public Safety. I sweated it out and walked all over downtown Milledgeville.
I took the key out of my shoe to open my door once I got home, and up pulls Jamaal in his cop car. We talk a little while, not even 6 minutes. He tells me he is sorry, because he feels like I have been disappointed by him, and I tell him that I haven't. I tell him all about the past weeks events and how I am just so confused, and he just reminds me to stay in prayer. It is at this moment a tear streams down my left cheek and I hastily wipe it away so there won't be more. Only true friends can remind you of this, because they understand they don't have or know the words to tell you for your situation, but they understand that never losing communication with God is the only answer to all of your problems. Jammal left and went back to patrol; I went inside and sat at the bottom of my stairwell and cried.
Muffled sobs and eyes overwhelmed. I do not even know where or what this was from, but I just know it hurt. I sat there 10 minutes just crying. Sobbing, with my face in my hands, coming up every now and again for a real breath.
I forced myself to continue working out. My walk had just lasted about an hour- though it doesn't seem like much, it was all uphill and long and hot. I did a butt (weird typing that) back and biceps workout for another 45 minutes. I then made myself dinner: pork zucchini tacos and 3 strawberries with caramel cream. Then showered, did some computer time, then headed upstairs to blow dry my hair.
And it happened again. Do you know how hard it is to blow dry your hair and cry at the same time? It kinda defeats the purpose. My face was wrenched in a particularly ugly way, and my hair was as big as Texas. After I finished drying my Marge Simpson hair, I got in the bed and just laid there and cried some more. I can't explain this, no matter how hard I try. Something was tugging on my heart, and I don't know why it bothered me to this point. I read my friend's blog about her insomnia and I desperately wished that was my problem, that I had to much going on in my mind to wind down, instead of too much going on in my heart. I laid my head on one pillow in the middle of the bed and pulled the other pillow over my face, and just cried it out until I finally got control of my breathing and fell asleep.
I don't understand, I don't feel ok, and I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. If answers weren't like searching for a needle in a haystack, I might find some comfort and resolution. I am certainly hoping that the "more" I am looking for, shows up soon. And if it doesn't, my hearts prayer is that God reveals his perfect purpose to me.
I saw a good friend and coworker of mine yesterday while I was walking Mowgli, a different route, another divine appointment. We talked about work, life, and Easter. Jamaal has always been a great friend of mine and I know he is a genuine friend who truly cares about me. We caught up for a few minutes then he headed in for his night shift with Public Safety. I sweated it out and walked all over downtown Milledgeville.
I took the key out of my shoe to open my door once I got home, and up pulls Jamaal in his cop car. We talk a little while, not even 6 minutes. He tells me he is sorry, because he feels like I have been disappointed by him, and I tell him that I haven't. I tell him all about the past weeks events and how I am just so confused, and he just reminds me to stay in prayer. It is at this moment a tear streams down my left cheek and I hastily wipe it away so there won't be more. Only true friends can remind you of this, because they understand they don't have or know the words to tell you for your situation, but they understand that never losing communication with God is the only answer to all of your problems. Jammal left and went back to patrol; I went inside and sat at the bottom of my stairwell and cried.
Muffled sobs and eyes overwhelmed. I do not even know where or what this was from, but I just know it hurt. I sat there 10 minutes just crying. Sobbing, with my face in my hands, coming up every now and again for a real breath.
I forced myself to continue working out. My walk had just lasted about an hour- though it doesn't seem like much, it was all uphill and long and hot. I did a butt (weird typing that) back and biceps workout for another 45 minutes. I then made myself dinner: pork zucchini tacos and 3 strawberries with caramel cream. Then showered, did some computer time, then headed upstairs to blow dry my hair.
And it happened again. Do you know how hard it is to blow dry your hair and cry at the same time? It kinda defeats the purpose. My face was wrenched in a particularly ugly way, and my hair was as big as Texas. After I finished drying my Marge Simpson hair, I got in the bed and just laid there and cried some more. I can't explain this, no matter how hard I try. Something was tugging on my heart, and I don't know why it bothered me to this point. I read my friend's blog about her insomnia and I desperately wished that was my problem, that I had to much going on in my mind to wind down, instead of too much going on in my heart. I laid my head on one pillow in the middle of the bed and pulled the other pillow over my face, and just cried it out until I finally got control of my breathing and fell asleep.
I don't understand, I don't feel ok, and I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. If answers weren't like searching for a needle in a haystack, I might find some comfort and resolution. I am certainly hoping that the "more" I am looking for, shows up soon. And if it doesn't, my hearts prayer is that God reveals his perfect purpose to me.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Making the most out of something
Lately, I have not just FELT like a complete failure, I have lived it out. Everything I seem to do somehow has backfired in my face and just left a big ol mess. Literally- everything I have touched this month has gone to crap. I'm not sure why, but I just seem to have to worst luck ever. I thought I was a very detailed person, I am realizing I am the most oblivious to details ever. Here is a recap of my week.
Lets pick up on Wednesday: I teach college class at church. I like teaching, although I dont really think I am that great at it. Not only did anyone in my class NOT even speak to me (minus the 2 new ones), um, 2 people just came to church for dinner then skipped class. Makes you feel awesome you know? I am just struggling with trying to be effective and serving a purpose in this class- and nothing is seeming to give. Maybe I am a terrible teacher. Maybe I am boring. Maybe the people in my class really just dont like me- or the things I have to say. Maybe it is awkward being in my class. Maybe I dont know enough about what I am talking about and that bothers people. Maybe they have picked up on that I can't seem to make eye contact when I am in Sunday School or class on Wednesdays. Whatever it is- I am just struggling with this class right now. I want to be used for the greater good of the advancement of the Kingdom, but I am falling short. Real short.
Thursday: Worked on my never ending grant proposal, got my hair highlighted (one person has noticed, kinda a bummer, but I just take it as it still looks natural and Im ok with that), and then had a FANTASTIC dinner with my 2 grandparents at their home in Wilkinson County. They pulled out the works for me, and I am so grateful that people really do love me- especially in times of needing to actually feel like I am liked or loved. Salad, baked potato, CRAB cakes, perfect yeast rolls, and STEAK. It was like heaven. (PS, I have eaten more meat this week than I have since December, missing being vegan, but appreciating a good piece of beef!) After dinner, I was called to do some doctoring of a foot injury. At least I am good for something I guess.
That night- oh that night is when it all just went astray. I found a pair of Masters tickets online, went through a really long and odd process of communicating with the man- sent him money and was expecting my tickets for Saturday. Expedited and insured. Saw a picture- talked to the man, legit. So it seemed.
Friday- got some of my friends to spray tan, worked on my grant tediously, picked up a new pair of shorts for a friend, and got 4 new pairs of shoes. That was a good day. In bed by 1030.
Saturday. Oh Saturday, the day it all fell apart. After waking up at the crack of dawn, I got ready and waited for my special delivery. And waited. And waited. They were guaranteed to be there Saturday am by 1030am. My friend had come to wait with me. Wait wait wait- jumping up at the sound of every truck that passed hoping it was FedEx. Fedex never came and neither did my tickets. I had to file a police report and realize that a LOT of money just went down the drain. I teared up and choked in my voice talking to my friend, because I had wanted to give a nice day to him, and then it never happened. I got his hopes up only to drop them and crush them into tiny shattered dreams of not going to the Masters.
Insert making the most out of something. My friend could have gone and done anythign else he wanted that day. He didnt have to hang out with me, there was no obligation or real need to spend the day with me now that the Masters dream had been ruined. But- he chose to not dwell in the crappy situation and said we were going to Atlanta. And in a moment, I was reminded that you can't control somethings. Off to the PGA Tour Superstore we went- and it was just the beginning of a wonderful day.
After spending some time trying on various clothes, we left with an awesome new outfit and I even bought him a new hat to match since I felt like I had let him down. We then went to Dave and Busters, Pirate's Cove golf and headed up the road to the Cheesecake Factory. I can tell you it was a wonderful blessed day. We had so much fun just hanging out and doing fun things. Dinner was amazing and so delicious! We came home and that was it.
The day was ruined by being scammed online, but choosing to make the most out of what we were given was a true blessing from God himself. My friend knew I was going to sit around and cry all day, but he chose to make it better for me and I am so glad he did.
Make the most out of what you are given, and maybe you will be surprised like I was.
Lets pick up on Wednesday: I teach college class at church. I like teaching, although I dont really think I am that great at it. Not only did anyone in my class NOT even speak to me (minus the 2 new ones), um, 2 people just came to church for dinner then skipped class. Makes you feel awesome you know? I am just struggling with trying to be effective and serving a purpose in this class- and nothing is seeming to give. Maybe I am a terrible teacher. Maybe I am boring. Maybe the people in my class really just dont like me- or the things I have to say. Maybe it is awkward being in my class. Maybe I dont know enough about what I am talking about and that bothers people. Maybe they have picked up on that I can't seem to make eye contact when I am in Sunday School or class on Wednesdays. Whatever it is- I am just struggling with this class right now. I want to be used for the greater good of the advancement of the Kingdom, but I am falling short. Real short.
Thursday: Worked on my never ending grant proposal, got my hair highlighted (one person has noticed, kinda a bummer, but I just take it as it still looks natural and Im ok with that), and then had a FANTASTIC dinner with my 2 grandparents at their home in Wilkinson County. They pulled out the works for me, and I am so grateful that people really do love me- especially in times of needing to actually feel like I am liked or loved. Salad, baked potato, CRAB cakes, perfect yeast rolls, and STEAK. It was like heaven. (PS, I have eaten more meat this week than I have since December, missing being vegan, but appreciating a good piece of beef!) After dinner, I was called to do some doctoring of a foot injury. At least I am good for something I guess.
That night- oh that night is when it all just went astray. I found a pair of Masters tickets online, went through a really long and odd process of communicating with the man- sent him money and was expecting my tickets for Saturday. Expedited and insured. Saw a picture- talked to the man, legit. So it seemed.
Friday- got some of my friends to spray tan, worked on my grant tediously, picked up a new pair of shorts for a friend, and got 4 new pairs of shoes. That was a good day. In bed by 1030.
Saturday. Oh Saturday, the day it all fell apart. After waking up at the crack of dawn, I got ready and waited for my special delivery. And waited. And waited. They were guaranteed to be there Saturday am by 1030am. My friend had come to wait with me. Wait wait wait- jumping up at the sound of every truck that passed hoping it was FedEx. Fedex never came and neither did my tickets. I had to file a police report and realize that a LOT of money just went down the drain. I teared up and choked in my voice talking to my friend, because I had wanted to give a nice day to him, and then it never happened. I got his hopes up only to drop them and crush them into tiny shattered dreams of not going to the Masters.
Insert making the most out of something. My friend could have gone and done anythign else he wanted that day. He didnt have to hang out with me, there was no obligation or real need to spend the day with me now that the Masters dream had been ruined. But- he chose to not dwell in the crappy situation and said we were going to Atlanta. And in a moment, I was reminded that you can't control somethings. Off to the PGA Tour Superstore we went- and it was just the beginning of a wonderful day.
After spending some time trying on various clothes, we left with an awesome new outfit and I even bought him a new hat to match since I felt like I had let him down. We then went to Dave and Busters, Pirate's Cove golf and headed up the road to the Cheesecake Factory. I can tell you it was a wonderful blessed day. We had so much fun just hanging out and doing fun things. Dinner was amazing and so delicious! We came home and that was it.
The day was ruined by being scammed online, but choosing to make the most out of what we were given was a true blessing from God himself. My friend knew I was going to sit around and cry all day, but he chose to make it better for me and I am so glad he did.
Make the most out of what you are given, and maybe you will be surprised like I was.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Magnitude
Ponder over this word for a moment. Magnitude.
I wassomewhere at the Freedom Church Easter Play the other day and had the idea for this post. Obviously I didn't post it when I thought of it- because I really wanted to understand to the fullest extent what that word means and entails.
Magnitude.
You might think of a Richter scale to measure the size of an earthquake. I also think of something in a large capacity. Something really big. But- not just big in size. The complete essence of that thing is far more greater than what you can actually see of it.
As I watched this beautiful performance, that I had seen a few times before, this word came in to my mind. God was slowly reminding me, or maybe teaching me for the first time about the magnitude of the cross. When I say teaching me the first time, maybe I mean allowing me to see the cross in its fullest capacity, the essence of cross itself is far more greater than what we can see. The magnitude that it carries brought about emotions in me that I haven't really thought about. It is so much bigger than any other historic event to ever take place on this planet.
I am kind of a history nerd and I like to visit historic sites and learn about life the way it was long ago. I don't study it, I just like to learn about it and make trips out of my learning.
Think about it. Wars have shaped the founding and demise of countries. Illnesses have wiped out nations. Catastrophic climate changes have changed the face of the earth forever. Sailing to the depths of the end of the earth brought about new establishments and trade endeavors. This cross and this man- literally changed the course of LIFE forever.
I don't know where you stand in relation to the cross, but my earnest prayer for you is that you stand up for it to show you won't back down on your faith; to stand behind it and know that the Lord is leading you, even when you have no hope; to kneel before it and come to the feet of it and worship the Almighty True and One King; and to stand in absolute awe of it. What this man, Jesus, did for you and me on that cross so many years ago has a HUGE magnitude about it. He took your place. He took my place. Every drop of his blood was shed on and with purpose. Purpose to defeat not only death and the grave, but to defeat the sin that we commit. To cover ALL of my wrongs, even the ones I run to in the secret. To perfect me to be able to even come close to the cross. To allow me to stand before my Creator and truly experience worship in its purest form. His blood was not spilled on accident- he chose this death for me- and for you- and for generations to come.
Tomorrow is Good Friday. I'm sure people wonder why it is called "Good" when something so terrible, so outlandishly awful, so repulsive, so intense and horrific happened, but I say unto you- it is good because you and I now have direct access to God. Christ took on fullness of man- while still exhibiting fullness of God- to pardon sin- once and for all. It is good because I have a Savior- who loves me just as I am- no matter what I have done. He takes me in his arms and says to me "I love you, even when- even when no one else does dear child. You are mine. No one can take that from you". It is Good Friday, because what happened on Sunday is amazing- and good always precedes better. Mother Goose said "Good, Better, Best never rests until Good be Better and Better Best". Though not some grammaticaly correct statement, it is pure truth. Our sins were nailed to the cross (good); Christ died a shameful death to conquer death for me and you (better) and Praise the Lord he ROSE AGAIN on Sunday (best). He is LIVING BREATHING God! He is Alive, and I am forever grateful he chose me.
Today and Tomorrow, realize the magnitude of what Jesus did on the cross, in the grave, and through his Resurection.
I was
Magnitude.
You might think of a Richter scale to measure the size of an earthquake. I also think of something in a large capacity. Something really big. But- not just big in size. The complete essence of that thing is far more greater than what you can actually see of it.
As I watched this beautiful performance, that I had seen a few times before, this word came in to my mind. God was slowly reminding me, or maybe teaching me for the first time about the magnitude of the cross. When I say teaching me the first time, maybe I mean allowing me to see the cross in its fullest capacity, the essence of cross itself is far more greater than what we can see. The magnitude that it carries brought about emotions in me that I haven't really thought about. It is so much bigger than any other historic event to ever take place on this planet.
I am kind of a history nerd and I like to visit historic sites and learn about life the way it was long ago. I don't study it, I just like to learn about it and make trips out of my learning.
Think about it. Wars have shaped the founding and demise of countries. Illnesses have wiped out nations. Catastrophic climate changes have changed the face of the earth forever. Sailing to the depths of the end of the earth brought about new establishments and trade endeavors. This cross and this man- literally changed the course of LIFE forever.
I don't know where you stand in relation to the cross, but my earnest prayer for you is that you stand up for it to show you won't back down on your faith; to stand behind it and know that the Lord is leading you, even when you have no hope; to kneel before it and come to the feet of it and worship the Almighty True and One King; and to stand in absolute awe of it. What this man, Jesus, did for you and me on that cross so many years ago has a HUGE magnitude about it. He took your place. He took my place. Every drop of his blood was shed on and with purpose. Purpose to defeat not only death and the grave, but to defeat the sin that we commit. To cover ALL of my wrongs, even the ones I run to in the secret. To perfect me to be able to even come close to the cross. To allow me to stand before my Creator and truly experience worship in its purest form. His blood was not spilled on accident- he chose this death for me- and for you- and for generations to come.
Tomorrow is Good Friday. I'm sure people wonder why it is called "Good" when something so terrible, so outlandishly awful, so repulsive, so intense and horrific happened, but I say unto you- it is good because you and I now have direct access to God. Christ took on fullness of man- while still exhibiting fullness of God- to pardon sin- once and for all. It is good because I have a Savior- who loves me just as I am- no matter what I have done. He takes me in his arms and says to me "I love you, even when- even when no one else does dear child. You are mine. No one can take that from you". It is Good Friday, because what happened on Sunday is amazing- and good always precedes better. Mother Goose said "Good, Better, Best never rests until Good be Better and Better Best". Though not some grammaticaly correct statement, it is pure truth. Our sins were nailed to the cross (good); Christ died a shameful death to conquer death for me and you (better) and Praise the Lord he ROSE AGAIN on Sunday (best). He is LIVING BREATHING God! He is Alive, and I am forever grateful he chose me.
Today and Tomorrow, realize the magnitude of what Jesus did on the cross, in the grave, and through his Resurection.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Been a While.. Get ready for an unload
I have been anticipating dreading known about this day for a long time. Three months actually. The day my world turned upside down I knew that three months from then, now today, I would put the words to a Kelly Clarkson song as my Facebook status. Kelly Clarkson is my all time favorite artist. This sounds so lame to you I am sure, but if one thing has helped my heart and mind the past 3 months- it has been the lyrics of this girl's songs. Not just the lyrics, but the raw emotion she has and the roller coaster of disappointments- and her overcoming a broken heart.
So here goes: everything that I have felt or wanted to say to you but just didn't know how. I may never say these words out loud, but they are going to get out of me- because 3 months of them being in me is too long. I either get over you, like you so have for me, or I sit here and wait til forever to never come true. Either way- something has to give- and I am giving up this crap that has been inside of me. It isn't meant to hurt you or put you down- it's sole intention is to just clear my head from the darkness that has engulfed it, to free my eyes from the gushes of warm water that come out at any given time of the day, and not so much for the pieces to be put back together, but for me to realize that pieces can still be used for a bigger picture.
Kelly Clarkson- Sober, with my comments added:And I don't know This could break my heart or save me
Nothings real Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
It is astonishing how one month I am clinging to what I thought was "it", then just a few short weeks later, like an atomic bomb blows up everything in its path, I am in absolute shock that my world has come crashing down around me. I have held on to you- even though you were finished well before the actual day. I can't bring myself to throw away our pictures. My friends have said to shut you out completely, but I don't have the willpower to do that. I don't know how to let go completely. It is still weird to go places that we used to go together- like the Farmer's Market and the guy asking me "where is your ..." or just shopping in general. Break me or save me. Break most assuredly. I have never had this emotion, this mindset, this disappointment ever in my life. It sucks to cry yourself to sleep. It also sucks having to see you and your "perfect" life without me in it..every few days. Three times a week to be exact. I had no idea I made you so miserable and that I was keeping you from having a life, because you are certainly a much more happier person now. It is a hard pill to swallow thinking that someone is your "everything", when in turn you are "nothing" to them. I didn't know memories of me were so easy to extinguish. I have come to understand the word "miss" in a whole new way. I have missed things I used to complain about, I have missed things I didn't think I cared about, and I have missed just the sheer presence of you. It is really scary being in this position. I don't like it one bit.
To me, I thought that this was part of the plan- the next steps of my life. Imagine all of the dreams I once had of being in love with your best friend, spending a lifetime together and making memories as sweet colorful bubbles freshly blown out of a bubble wand. So picture perfect in the light, bubbles don't have flaws and their reflection casts out more beautiful images. The more bubbles, the happier the place. Bubbles can build on other bubbles and grow into bigger ones with a little more effort from your breath. But bubbles don't last forever, just like this didn't either. In an instant they are gone, nothing left but a stick residue and a fleeting memory of once what was there. That is where I am now. A sticky mess.
It is really weird and uncomfortable to be here- in life without my relationship with you. I mean it when I say I don't want to date again and I don't want to get married, not just because of YOU, but because I don't think I could go through this past year's emotions ever again. Falling, literally, in love- a love that I had never experienced, and giving so much time, effort, and learning what it meant to truly truly look upon someone with eyes of sweet love, and then that love being stripped away. I know my heart can't handle doing that again. I had love only for you, and I am convinced that I won't ever be able to give that love to anyone else again. I am ok with that. Three months and I'm still sober. Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers.But I know it's never really over.
It is time I pick the weeds, and just cherish the good times. You seemed to have noticed the weeds long before I did. We did have some amazing times together, and I will always hold them dear to my heart. I know I will never really be "over" you; your impression was far to great to simply be over. Like an elephant stepping into a soggy bog, that is the magnitude of the impression you left on me. A good impression. A solid one. One that will still have presence in my life long after you have married and began a family. Even longer than that, til my time on earth is done. I am so thankful that it happened. I learned a lot and grew more as a person. I haven't cried today, but I shed tears now thinking about how you changed me for good.
And I don't know I could crash and burn but maybe At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me.So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right No comparing, second guessing, no not this time.
I am going to mess up even more. I am going to be in this position of hurt for a while. Everything I do from here on out will be compared to you, whether I mean to or not. I cant second guess your decision. I might not agree with it, but I can't fault you for the way or lack of feelings you have. It is ok. You deserve the best, and I want nothing but the best for you. You work on becoming your best, and know that I am always here as your fan to support you. I need to take my own advice and work on myself, I am just not sure where to start. I don't know what I want to do with my life now thatmy our plans changed. I don't know what I am passionate about- I don't have a clue what I want to do with this "life" that I now lead alone and I really just don't know where God wants me. But I guess I am just going to have to give all that up and trust that something good will come of this.
3 months. Such a long time. I am still alive. I am still here. It didn't kill me, though it felt like I couldn't breathe. It has been a long road. I still cry in my hands sometimes. Sometimes I wake up crying. Sometimes when I am in church I cry quietly in prayer time. Sometimes I cry in public at a store. But I hide it. No one needs to see that. It hasn't just gone away for me, and I don't know if it ever will.
Wake up
All Iwanted want I don't even know what I want is for this to be a bad dream. But is isn't. It is now my reality. Breathing down on my neck every chance it gets. I just have to learn to be the master of my thoughts, the one in control, not letting the circumstances control me. Three months and I'm still standing here. Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am.
This is it. I still am. I would like to say I'm getting better, but at times it is worse. Lots of emotions, anger, bitterness, self loathing, hurt, shame, misery, disappointment- the list could go on and on. But here is the thing. I am still here. Again, some kind of purpose must be at work, because I still am.Three months and it's still harder now.Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months.
Yup. It hasn't gotten any easier. I have just learned to just take it for what it is. This line says it all. Here without you is so hard. Constantly I find myself wanting to buy things for you or pick up stuff and try to buy it without realizing what I have done. So many things remind me of you and that gets overwhelming at times. You come up in every conversation. I did this with.. Oh .. got me this.. .. would do this.. ... liked these..on and on and on and on. Funny, because I am 100% sure that never happens to you. If I could get my heart of fantasy to line up with my head of reality, I would be in a much better state. I just question everything. Why wasn't I good enough, What could I have done better, Was there anything real there in the first place, Was this how it was meant to be, blah. It is quite draining.
Three months and I'm still breathing.Three months and I still remember it.Three months and I wake up.
Not something to easily wipe a slate clean of. This isn't wasn't some teenage love saga. For me, it was as real as it gets. It is still gonna hurt down the road, and I am learning to be ok with that. I take it for what it is and appreciate that my life would be completely different and dark had I never dated you. I'm grateful for the love you gave.
Three months and I'm still sober. Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
The time has come to end this post. Hold on to the things that were exciting and beautiful. Let the ugly parts fade. Thank you for what was and for choosing me to share that time in your life with. I hope you have many more full blossom flowers in your future and that you don't let weeds spoil your garden of good things.
So here goes: everything that I have felt or wanted to say to you but just didn't know how. I may never say these words out loud, but they are going to get out of me- because 3 months of them being in me is too long. I either get over you, like you so have for me, or I sit here and wait til forever to never come true. Either way- something has to give- and I am giving up this crap that has been inside of me. It isn't meant to hurt you or put you down- it's sole intention is to just clear my head from the darkness that has engulfed it, to free my eyes from the gushes of warm water that come out at any given time of the day, and not so much for the pieces to be put back together, but for me to realize that pieces can still be used for a bigger picture.
Kelly Clarkson- Sober, with my comments added:And I don't know This could break my heart or save me
Nothings real Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
It is astonishing how one month I am clinging to what I thought was "it", then just a few short weeks later, like an atomic bomb blows up everything in its path, I am in absolute shock that my world has come crashing down around me. I have held on to you- even though you were finished well before the actual day. I can't bring myself to throw away our pictures. My friends have said to shut you out completely, but I don't have the willpower to do that. I don't know how to let go completely. It is still weird to go places that we used to go together- like the Farmer's Market and the guy asking me "where is your ..." or just shopping in general. Break me or save me. Break most assuredly. I have never had this emotion, this mindset, this disappointment ever in my life. It sucks to cry yourself to sleep. It also sucks having to see you and your "perfect" life without me in it..every few days. Three times a week to be exact. I had no idea I made you so miserable and that I was keeping you from having a life, because you are certainly a much more happier person now. It is a hard pill to swallow thinking that someone is your "everything", when in turn you are "nothing" to them. I didn't know memories of me were so easy to extinguish. I have come to understand the word "miss" in a whole new way. I have missed things I used to complain about, I have missed things I didn't think I cared about, and I have missed just the sheer presence of you. It is really scary being in this position. I don't like it one bit.
To me, I thought that this was part of the plan- the next steps of my life. Imagine all of the dreams I once had of being in love with your best friend, spending a lifetime together and making memories as sweet colorful bubbles freshly blown out of a bubble wand. So picture perfect in the light, bubbles don't have flaws and their reflection casts out more beautiful images. The more bubbles, the happier the place. Bubbles can build on other bubbles and grow into bigger ones with a little more effort from your breath. But bubbles don't last forever, just like this didn't either. In an instant they are gone, nothing left but a stick residue and a fleeting memory of once what was there. That is where I am now. A sticky mess.
It is really weird and uncomfortable to be here- in life without my relationship with you. I mean it when I say I don't want to date again and I don't want to get married, not just because of YOU, but because I don't think I could go through this past year's emotions ever again. Falling, literally, in love- a love that I had never experienced, and giving so much time, effort, and learning what it meant to truly truly look upon someone with eyes of sweet love, and then that love being stripped away. I know my heart can't handle doing that again. I had love only for you, and I am convinced that I won't ever be able to give that love to anyone else again. I am ok with that. Three months and I'm still sober. Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers.But I know it's never really over.
It is time I pick the weeds, and just cherish the good times. You seemed to have noticed the weeds long before I did. We did have some amazing times together, and I will always hold them dear to my heart. I know I will never really be "over" you; your impression was far to great to simply be over. Like an elephant stepping into a soggy bog, that is the magnitude of the impression you left on me. A good impression. A solid one. One that will still have presence in my life long after you have married and began a family. Even longer than that, til my time on earth is done. I am so thankful that it happened. I learned a lot and grew more as a person. I haven't cried today, but I shed tears now thinking about how you changed me for good.
And I don't know I could crash and burn but maybe At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me.So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right No comparing, second guessing, no not this time.
I am going to mess up even more. I am going to be in this position of hurt for a while. Everything I do from here on out will be compared to you, whether I mean to or not. I cant second guess your decision. I might not agree with it, but I can't fault you for the way or lack of feelings you have. It is ok. You deserve the best, and I want nothing but the best for you. You work on becoming your best, and know that I am always here as your fan to support you. I need to take my own advice and work on myself, I am just not sure where to start. I don't know what I want to do with my life now that
3 months. Such a long time. I am still alive. I am still here. It didn't kill me, though it felt like I couldn't breathe. It has been a long road. I still cry in my hands sometimes. Sometimes I wake up crying. Sometimes when I am in church I cry quietly in prayer time. Sometimes I cry in public at a store. But I hide it. No one needs to see that. It hasn't just gone away for me, and I don't know if it ever will.
Wake up
All I
Three months and I still am.
This is it. I still am. I would like to say I'm getting better, but at times it is worse. Lots of emotions, anger, bitterness, self loathing, hurt, shame, misery, disappointment- the list could go on and on. But here is the thing. I am still here. Again, some kind of purpose must be at work, because I still am.Three months and it's still harder now.Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months.
Yup. It hasn't gotten any easier. I have just learned to just take it for what it is. This line says it all. Here without you is so hard. Constantly I find myself wanting to buy things for you or pick up stuff and try to buy it without realizing what I have done. So many things remind me of you and that gets overwhelming at times. You come up in every conversation. I did this with.. Oh .. got me this.. .. would do this.. ... liked these..on and on and on and on. Funny, because I am 100% sure that never happens to you. If I could get my heart of fantasy to line up with my head of reality, I would be in a much better state. I just question everything. Why wasn't I good enough, What could I have done better, Was there anything real there in the first place, Was this how it was meant to be, blah. It is quite draining.
Three months and I'm still breathing.Three months and I still remember it.Three months and I wake up.
Not something to easily wipe a slate clean of. This isn't wasn't some teenage love saga. For me, it was as real as it gets. It is still gonna hurt down the road, and I am learning to be ok with that. I take it for what it is and appreciate that my life would be completely different and dark had I never dated you. I'm grateful for the love you gave.
Three months and I'm still sober. Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
The time has come to end this post. Hold on to the things that were exciting and beautiful. Let the ugly parts fade. Thank you for what was and for choosing me to share that time in your life with. I hope you have many more full blossom flowers in your future and that you don't let weeds spoil your garden of good things.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)