Vicious vs. Virtuous

In my second post- because the previous one was supposed to be posted last night but my archaic laptop was running so slow I feel asleep waiting for it to load- I want to touch on this phrase that I heard the other day: Vicious versus Virtuous Cycles.

I am not sure why this resonated with my mind, but it set it my neurons on fire for some thinking. What is the difference in these cycles you may ask? To me, a vicious cycle is working at something but it not doing you any good, or getting you any farther than you were. It isn't really producing fruit and really is causing you more harm than you can see.
Virtuous cycle: doing something that could be/is consistent or continuous, but postive changes and positive reinforcement is brought about. You are seeing and producing fruit. You are becoming better through this pattern.

Vicious: Example: A woman who keeps going back to her abusive husband/boyfriend. She cries out in anguish from the struggle, but yet continues to go back to him for affirmation. She thinks she can't get out and has no where else to run, so she goes to the one thing that gives her comfort- even though she knows he is going to hurt her (physically/emotionally).

Another example: People who want  to lose weight and get fit, but don't do anything to change. Someone told me yesterday they had a double cheeseburger and fries for lunch with a diet Coke. Really? Why even drink a diet- so what you are cutting 100 calories for yours drink- you just made them up in what you ate.

Vicious cycles get us no where. What is the thing/s in your life that you know aren't making you a better person- but yet you still can't find reason enough to give it up?
For me lately it has been this mindset of living out "Murphy's Law" and how I can't seem to do anything right. I told my parents they should have named me Murphy- and my dad asked why in a very puzzling response and I said "Because everything that can go wrong- completely goes wrong in my life. Everything I touch turns to crap (unlike good ol' Midas)."

My friends have reminded me that I do have a lot going for me and a lot to be thankful for- I just have a hard time zoning in on those things in the midst of this chaos. But for me to keep negating myself and self worth- and continue to complain about it- just keeps me in this whirlwind of deception. It is a constant battle friends. A battle. An all out war of my mind within itself. "You can't do anything right" "You clearly aren't good enough" "Obviously you weren't even good enough for a memory" "You are never going to do XYZ..." "You are the problem, the common denominator" "Fail' "Fail" "Fail"

Insert Jesus.

Do I not know that the King of Kings has already defeated this battle waging inside of me? Do you not remember the cross my dear child? Do you not realize that Jesus beat Satan and his army of lies- with a stick. Beat him like it was his job?? Did you forget that? The reason why you choose to live in this "vicious" cycle is because you so often forfeit the peace that was given to you- peace that was so overwhelming that it BUSTED out of the grave and is ALIVE in you? Jesus nailed it all to that cross and said “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Can I get an Amen? Seriously, we don't credit Christ enough for his awesome power he instills in us. If Christ overcame the WORLD, dear child, don't you think you can overcome anything the WORLD throws at you?

"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest (Matt.11:28)" I am included in that all, and so are you. It is high time I started living in the virtuous cycle life and I hope you choose to do the same. We have been called to greater things- and greater things are NOT the lies that Satan so easily slips into our mindset and makes us think WE put it there. Jesus gives out peace, comfort, and purpose. He is the author and perfector of virtuous cycles. Why don't we take a few lessons from his book he wrote and use it to be victorious in our lives?

Even the best intentions fall

Yesterday was supposed to be the highlight of my job. It normally is the biggest event I am in charge of for my job. Normally- but that wasn't the case yesterday. Per my Dean's request, I was strongly guilted encouraged to have my Health Fair at the new Wellness and Recreation Center. This sounds all fine well and good- but I knew better. My health fair normally draws at least 300 people through from Magnolia Ballroom. Yesterday- MAYbe 65, probably closer to 50. But that wasn't the only thing that failed:

#1 I got here early to set up- none of my tables I requested were here. How do you have a health fair without tables for the vendors?? So that made me look like an idiot.
#2 Two vendors contacted me that MORNING to let me know they weren't coming. Three more just didn't even show up.
#3 The Health Fair is my baby. I am completely in charge of everything- except the Nurse Practitioner students. My boss deals with that. Well, my boss didn't show up until 9 something. So freak out. But I guess she trusts me more than I trust myself.
#4 Not only did hardly anyone come, but not a lot of people even knew about it. Awesome. Thanks Communications!

So overall, I feel as if it was one of the worst health fairs I have ever conducted. The food was really good though, so I guess that counts for something.

If you know me well, you know that I am super attentive to details. A lot of people call me a perfectionist. Some people say I am OCD. I don't know if I necessarily agree with the perfectionist part, but I like things to be in order and when they aren't I kind of lose it. I try to do things that are neat and organized and look like a lot of time was put into them. When these things fail, it honestly ruins everything in me. I feel like a failure and hate that I have disappointed my own expectations. Yesterday was one of those days.

I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself or do something where I remind myself that things are going to mess up. The other day my work crew was talking about my "expectations" in people (guys) and my GA said that my expectations were way above outer space and no one will ever live up to them. Everyone laughed, but honestly, it is the truth. BUT- I have to think back and say- well if I don't have high expectations, I will settle for things that are mediocre and not really that great.

"If you fail to plan, plan to fail."- that is kinda the mantra/motto for health promotions. Seriously, the whole essence of the job is planning. I think I am going to start planning with a new direction. Plan in messups. Not so much as planning for failure- but allowing room for error. I don't always see this aspect, but I think if I could plan this way, I think a lot of things would change. Not just in my job.

A Happy Post

I decided to post something fun and happy for once. All my writings lately have been so downcast. My coworker said she cried when she read my blog about my meltdown. So, with that being said, we work on a happy post.

What are something that truly make you happy? I have been thinking about this today and here are a few things:

-When sweet Daisy Griffin won't go to anyone else in church but me- and even faces her 3 yr old shyness in the face and walks down the entire church aisle to come sit with Waychel
-When Mowgli rolls all over my dirty towels. I think I belly laugh every time. That is her purest form of happiness
- When Kroger gives me FREE product coupons- and last night I got an organic protein bar and meatless "chicken" tenders for FREE- hello Vegan week bucket list!
- When I can easily fit into a size I never dreamed of fitting in. Yes, it is a confidence booster.

-When I find really cheap nail polish- in awesome colors. Right now I have a "Show me some skin" mani- I should paint my nails more often. I think that brightens the mood.
-MAKEUP. Oh man- I could write a book on this. I love love love eyeshadows and lips colors. Working for Estee Lauder got me addicted. I got 200 eyeshadows for Christmas- and I use the pallet everrrryday. I like talking makeup, I like doing my own and others makeup, and I just like looking at makeup. Obsessed.
- Accessories. Oh. My. Word. My college boyfriend told me that I could make a white t shirt look good because I paid so much attention to the details of my accesories. I never leave the house without earrings. If I do, Im sick and didnt notice!

-There arent many "foods" that make me happy. Used to be a lot of sweets, but since I rarely eat them anymore, I dont really have a "favorite food". I can honestly say I don't really see food the same way I did. But if I had to choose, a really pretty salad can make my day better.
-When I have 3-5 little kids running up to me at church begging for a hug and some attention. Not many people can say every kid in the church loves on them, but I can. And that melts my heart that these precious kids think I am someone special.

-When my former students still come by and visit- and ask me hard questions about life- and I get to share my faith with them. It is in those instances I can feel God at work in me the most.
-When I get to be a guest speaker. I love people and I love talking to them. The BCM speaking night was so much fun- and I felt at peace about it, and had a great time sharing and could feel the Lord moving in me.
-When people get excited about their health. When the light bulb goes off and they get it. It makes my job a little easier and better.

These are just some of the truly happy moments in my life. "Hook" would say- where is your happy place Peter? Think happy thoughts." and I would encourage you to do the same.

Lyrical Battle

It is 12:52am and I am sitting on the bottom of my stairwell thinking about life. I have been sitting here for almost an hour. Thinking about all the things I need to do- about all the things I need to do that I don't want to do, and about all the things that I have no power over yet have to find some way to make peace with them.


Do you have chores you hate? I hate putting up laundry. Really. Sometimes I just leave it in the baskets for days at a time because I am too lazy to fold it and put it up. Right now it is 1.5 baskets at the moment. Another chore I hate is taking the recyclables off to be recycled. I'm all about the planet and I'm so Miss Eco, but my gosh why does it have to be so hard to recycle?! I have 4 piles that I have to take off tomorrow. And that has been sitting in my pantry for a very long time. 


Moving on. Sometimes my mind gets very audible. A lot of times I find myself mixing different songs together to tell a story. So, I am going to share this battle going on in my head. 


(Jordin Sparks- No Air) But somehow I'm still alive inside. You took my breath but I survived. I don't know how but I don't even care (Lifehouse-Breathing) I'm finding my way back to sanity again though I really don't know what I'm going to do when I get there. Take a breath and hold on tight, spin around one more time and gracefully fall back into the arms of Grace  (Anna Nakick-Breathe) "Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands and breathe..just breathe. Oh breathe..just breathe"- (Michelle Branch- Breathe) If I just breathe let it fill the space between I'll know everything is alright Breathe Every little piece of me You'll see everything is alright if I just breathe" (Matt Maher- Alive)- "Now I'm breathing in and breathing out, I'm alive again" 


So, now that it is 1:28 and I have penned typed this. I guess I will just take these lyrics to heart and really start breathing. Find cleansing in the breaths you breathe. and "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord". If you are still breathing- you still have purpose. 

In the Middle of My Madness

Yesterday evening I went and visited my parents. I don't spend near as much time as I should with them, so I decided just to go hang out for a while. My dad and I talked about a few things, then I went and watched the news. I was quickly reminded why I quit watching the news; there was nothing positive on it. My heart broke for the civilians killed in Afghanistan by the deranged American soldier. The conflict in Syria is overwhelming. So as I sat and watched, I fell asleep. When I woke up, apparently the demons of desperation did too. I went to talk to my deddy and then the flood gates opened.

I cried relentlessly about my life and everything in it. I desperately want to have my own place- and not live around drunk loud college students. I am sick of looking and nothing ever working out. Then my deddy tells me I can't afford a house. Well awesome. So, all these time the past 2 years was a waste. Then I talk about just other things in life and cry some more. My mom comes in from work during the middle of this cryfest.

My deddy is my hero, but he doesn't have a good way with words and emotions. I know it is because his dad was the exact same way. So when my mom got there, he let her take over. So, I sat on a small step stool in my parents kitchen and cried. Not just tears peeking out over my cheeks, but my face in my hands and my eyes soaked and snot literally connecting my jacket to my face.

My parents tried to give their best advice, but somehow I can't really process "you just have to get over it". My heart is so broken at this point, I just honestly don't know what to do. So, I left Mowgli for an overnight and for some alone time.

I come home, work out again, and then sit on my couch trying to hold back the waterfalls again. I ask God to show me something in his word about making things new. I searched "made new" on my Bible app. I skim over a few verses, then one jumped out at me.

Isaiah 43:18 "Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past." Could you have made it any more real God? I find myself in the past a lot. Thinking about what was and why that isn't the case now. This breakup has shaken my world up so much, but right there God says forget that. Continue reading verse 19 "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and stream in the wasteland."


Ah God, you got me a again. This is how I interpret that verse "Hellooo! I am doing something new in your life- you dont even feel it whelling up in you do you? I am cutting out a path for you in the middle of this lonely place and I am bringing a source of life to a desserted place."

So, even in the middle of my madness of tears, snot, and a feeling of desperation that I can't explain, God says that HE is at work in me- even if I don't or can't feel it. I am so glad God moves in my meltdowns.

Neighbors

What do all of these verses have in common?
Leviticus 19:18   Zechariah 8:17   Matthew 19:19   Matthew 22:3   Mark 12:31

Luke 10:27  Romans 13:9  Galatians 5:14  James 2:8

They are commandments to love our neighbors as our self. That is NINE verses that tell us to love our neighbors as you love yourself. It must be pretty important, to be mentioned 9 times. I don't know if you struggle with this, but I do. Neighbor: not just those living in close proximity to you, but those who are around you.

I prayed desperately for a new place to live this summer, and God listened and provided a nice townhouse. What I didn't remember to pray for was good neighbors. I have a really good neighbor to the right of me, 1 good one down a few doors to the right and 3 really crappy ones to the left of me. That is all I know in the complex. The 3 next to me- boil my blood to a new level. I have called the cops on them multiple times, still nothing changes.

I was reminded of the essence of these verses last night as I was about to call the cops. Granted, it was just their music that was blarring, but it started at 930pm and lasted til 12am. I can honestly say I can not STAND these 3 people next to me. They are going no where in life, at all, but- God still says I should love them. Loving and liking people are 2 different things, and I hope you realize that.

I want to live my life as if these verses were made alive in me. Too often we read the Word and don't really listen to the Lord as he speaks them to us. Loving people different from yourself is hard- they fail us, they make us uncomfortable, they take advantage of us, they don't respect you, and they certainly seek for the betterment of themselves than consider someone else in the process. But heres the thing: I was once there at one time in my life too. As Christians, we are set apart and called to a higher standard than those who have not found the Lord yet. One of the biggest errors on our part is forgetting that had it not been for grace, we would still be of this world. I want to meet people where they are. Remind me in my heart God, that your blanket of grace is big enough to cover the people that I stuggle with loving. Show me how to love (not the Lil' Wayne version- the Jesus Christ love version). I hope you choose to love the people, your neighbors, that you come into contact with this week.

The people that care

People know what is going on in my life, even if I haven't spoken it to them. My countenance is different and they notice the changes when I try to suppress them. I am grateful that these people truly know me, and truly care. Not only have they given me words of encouragement, but they have said they have been praying for me. Do you know how that resounds in my mind? These people care enough about me to pray for me, because they know something isn't right with Rachel.

Am I being that kind of friend to them? Do I notice when people are having a rough day or rough time and try to reach out to them? Or do I just pass them over, because my "problems" are so much more important to deal with? Hmm. Makes me wonder. Am I missing the forest because of the trees; am I so wrapped up in this pity party I have been having that I don't notice other's brokenness. I want to be the kind of friend that these people have been for me.

People have listened to me cry, moan and just listen to the anger and exasperation running through me. They have patiently sat and been there, even when they had their own lives to deal with. People have POURED into me- With their insight, understanding, words of affirmation, and with their time.

You know you are a true friend when you drop everything in your life to help someone deal with something in theirs. One time I called a friend and couldn't even talk because I was crying so much, and she said "get in your car and come over here".  This was late at night- yet she reached out to me in my lonely place.

"Praise be to the God and the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God" 2 Cor. 3-4

God comforts us--> We can then use that experience to comfort others in their time of need. I'm forever grateful for the people who have truly made this verse come alive with me.