The Pope Life....as of late

Well. My sweet husband turned 30 20 days ago. I am horrible at keeping up with our lives- so here is a brief update.

He turned 30 and we had a big ol party to celebrate him and his awesomeness. College friends and Sunday School friends- some family, and both sets of parents- joined us for a day on the lake. I would show you some pictures- but I was playing hostess with the mostest and didnt have a chance to sit down let alone snap some pics.

I do, however, have a shot of his awesome cake that Milly (my awesome mother in law, M.I.L., Milly? you get it?) made for Kevin. She MADE those guns. Freestyle. Because she rocks.

This was definitely the highlight of the party- until I had Kevin open a gift before we cut the cake. We gave our friends a little surprise (at least we hope it was) and told them we weren't saying anything else about it until later. That- was then the highlight of the party.

Come the next week, we had people my poor husband didnt even know come up and tell us our "secret" news- and apparently we were the talk of the town before Kevin's party.....

...So.. we made the decision to post it on social media (even after we told our friends at the party we weren't for a while) since so many people knew and were asking our families..which isnt cool. And I give you:

The most-awesome baby announcement! 

That's Right! Come December SWAT will have a whole new meaning in the Pope House! These are my hott husband's flight suits for his SWAT team. We decided to go all out for Lil P baby. The American flag just adds to the awesomeness.  The onesie is what I gave Kevin at his party. In case you cant read it, it says "My daddy can arrest your daddy".

We got an overwhelming response of love for us and this baby- and it truly melted my heart to know that many people were excited for us. 

So- we have been doing really well so far. I have had some serious stomach aches, some sensitive teeth- and some serious need to sleep when I get any and every chance. Other than that- its great!

This week (5/20/14) was the big 12 weeks. I have been super worried and just nervous- because I dont care what any mom, book, or internet site says- it is still overwhelming and a lot to take in when a human is growing inside of you. My husband has been super lately and is the most excited about this little blessing. He has been subjected to rubbing my belly, like someone rubbing a lamp for a genie, and has only had to go on one ice cream run. He has also had to deal with my lack of energy to do the laundry...slowly Im coming back around. He wont have to go naked out on the town. 

Our second sonogram was on our 12 week appointment- but before we went, my perfect match, my heart, and my soul mate, Kevin, sent me these to work. Man- he knows how to make me chill out and just be thankful. I am the luckiest girl on the planet to be married to this thoughtful man. 

Our appointment went well and Dr. said Lil P baby is looking good. We go back in 4 weeks for another visit, but wont get another sonogram until 20 weeks. EEKS. That is a long time! But in the meantime- I leave you this sweet- most precious- and exciting blessing to tide you over until the next post. 

Lil P Baby- or Razz as we like to call it, is kicking up a storm! To see that little butt go in the air and those feet just kicking- is truly the most awe-inspiring sight I have ever seen. The baby was really far back- so the sonographer had to dig in my belly to get a good shot. Razz didnt like this and rolled over. I cant even put in to words what that was like to see on a screen! It was absolutely crazy and cool at the same time!

To celebrate a good report, we had Milly and Papa Pope over for dinner (my parents were packing for vacation) and Big Daddy Kevin made homemade ice cream. In case you didnt know, my husband is a master ice cream maker- and he is the one who registered for our awesome churn!

That is our life as of late. Stay tuned, more to come. Summer is about to be in full force- and I am excited about having half of Fridays off! 

Three hundred some odd days

Here is what is has been like to be married to you for a year (and some change).

So, I have heard all sorts of sounds I didnt know existed. Laundry was multiplied by 7 when I said I do. The art of folding your shirts has finally come around. You are nice and let me sleep because you don't like being yelled at. Saturday morning breakfasts are always fun. You have way too many socks. Your hearing is dang near awful. You can fix anything, even if I didnt break it. I like when you make spaghetti. Your dish-washing skills are quite impressive. We both are competitive sleepers. The songs that we sing to our dogs should never be revealed to anyone. The floss-fart rule still stands. You have changed my spending habits- no new clothes once a month anymore, and that isn't always a bad thing. You love my parents and I love yours. It excites me when you sing Christian songs in the car. You know how to communicate- and that is what makes us strong. You pray for me and us- and never waiver in your faith to be the best man you can be before the Lord. There is a lot more, but this past year has been awesome. 

Little did you know babe, that I was praying for you long before you came. If you haven't read any of my desperate, horrible,tearfest, pathetic, what in the world was I thinking writing all of that, blog  from 2012, then you truly don't know the heartache that I had before you. I wrote a post on June 19th, 2012 that had a lot of questions that I couldn't find the answers to. I wanted to answer them now, because I finally know the answers. All it took was you. 

The original post can be found here. Im just going to answer a couple of them today.

Why is it that every one of my friends from college is happy, married, pregnant, or living the dream- and I feel like I am barely getting by?
Answer: Because it was God's time for them. Each person's time is different and not on the same clock or schedule. My time had not come yet, and he was waiting for the right time to allow me to get to the next point in my life. You were surely worth the wait. I am so happy- overjoyed and married life is the best thing ever. He makes everything beautiful in its time. Ecc 3:10
Now the date of the old post is significant. I had my first date with you  3 days later. Thanks for the happy God, in the form of this hottie. 











What does it feel like to wake up next to the same person every day? What does it feel like to know that someone loves you so much they want to spend the rest of their life with you- no one else but you?
Answer: it is the most amazing feeling in the world. There have been many sleepless nights this past year waiting on you to come home for work. Your 3am shift is really hard on me, but the sound of the beep beeps from the alarm and the garage door opening are some of the most comforting sounds at that time in the morning. SWAT callouts (like the 2 this week) scare me because I want you to come back, but I do have a different, hard-to-explain peace because I know you and your team are really good at what you do- and it is a controlled environment. I guess I get more scared from routine traffic stops because people are idiots. I  miss you when you are gone. I look at my ring everyday and thank God for you. I pray for you daily- for your safety and for your return. 

To know that you truly love me- flaws and all- makes my tear up and I am so grateful for you. I never have to question (even though I ask every day) if you still love me. You are so patient with me. You love me so much- and aren't afraid to show it. You include me in your life- and ask my opinion and that makes me thankful. You are my happy ending and you were my new beginning.  It is so awesome to know that you wanted me- and went through a LOT to make me yours. 

What is it like to know that you make someone happy? What does it feel like to know that someone wants to make you the happiest person in the world and they do simple random sweet nice things to make this happen? Or yet- what is it like to know that someone WANTS you in their life as well as NEEDS you?

Again- you go out of your way to show love to me. I get the BEST birthday presents. You really do go overboard. Flowers are routine with you- and you still take me on dates. All I have to do is mention what I want, and you get it or make it happen. Like our anniversary trip. I said I just wanted a weekend enjoying Atlanta one day- and you planned the perfect trip. Or my Christmas presents. Down to the eye cream, you got it all right. or my engagement ring. You do listen, even when I think you are just not paying me any attention. The details you put into life are so sweet and genuine. It is so nice to come home and you want to hug me. I have never had that kind of love before. You never give up on me- even when I have long given up on myself. I know you need me. Not for laundry, or cooking you dinners, or doing the grocery shopping, or running your Epsom salt baths-I know you want and need me because you tell me. (hey I need you for yard work and ironing. and handyman stuff like hanging pictures- and because you make my life better. 

What is it like to sit back in your house and know that you are paying for this house- you own it? I don't pay the bills, but Hey- thanks for making my dreams come true. It is so cool to go to a place that you are contributing to- and own, and it ours. I love our house and I will never forget on our first date you said "My house is kind of empty. Maybe you can help me decorate it." Little did I or you know that I wouldn't be much of a decorator. Those 3 canvases though, they make it work. Maybe one day I will print out pictures for all the frames I am hoarding. 

How does it feel to know someone is really in love with you, and that they don't just love you as a person, they are in love with you? I cant even explain it. You are so open and honest with me. You really do love me, but even more so, are in love with me. You aren't afraid to show me off. Let's never let that go away ok? 

Why do we have to be alone, when we don't want to be alone- no friends, no common comforts, nothing- and why does it hurt so bad?
Because God has a bigger and higher purpose for you. When you get to the good parts in life, you will appreciate them more because of where you have been and what you had to go through to grow. Because being alone taught me that I didn't need any guy to define me. It taught me how to pick up and start over. It taught me that it is ok to fail and make mistakes as long as you don't stay there. Your character is who you are when no one is looking. For a long time, lets just say I wasn't worth looking at- or being around- or being suitable for someone. God had to work on me to get me ready. Ready for you. Definitely not the way I would have chosen, but I can say that now I understand why. 


 You are truly the best husband ever and I can't thank God enough. I hope the past year has been this awesome for you! I hope you have an extra special May Day tomorrow! The big 3-0. The Dirty Thirty. Yikes. Glad it's you first and not me! 

With 4 days left

I haven't written since I was trying to get that large elephant off of my chest. I have been enjoying my marriage and taking in the last bit of the first year- and let me just say the first year was great.

Along the way in revealing my weaknesses, my vulnerabilities, my struggles and what I am dealing with as a Christian woman- not anyone else's stuff- it seems I have been once again labeled a hypocrite and the internet police have said "I can't do that". Word to the wise- if you complain about what I write- and tell me directly to my face that you don't want to read my blog or talk about me and what I write- um...don't read it. It isn't a make or break deal for me. But in all seriousness, if you say you could care less what I write about (hey, for the record- it is mainly Jesus)- why are you still here?? You don't have to read this, no one is forcing you.

 I'm not alarmed if my readership doesn't increase. Again, this is my therapy and my time. This is my blog. Not a tutorial. Not a cookbook. Not a fashionista stop. There are plenty of awesome blogs that do that. This is however, my real world and I'm trying to be honest. I'm not here to deal with anyone but me. My writings can come across as snarky, but if you truly know me- and know my heart- you know that being a Christian is everything to me.   

Since my last reveal of what I had been dealing with, I have prayed and prayed- gone to the alter and prayed for healing and restoration. I have shared my struggle of unforgiveness with my Sunday School class and I have complained to my husband for the past 4 months. 

I haven't been praying just for me- I have been trying to pray for the people who hurt me as well (even when they don't want my prayers). Do y'all even know how hard that is? I'm thankful that I have a God-fearing husband who helps me with the things I struggle with. He reminds me that they need grace just as Christ gave it to me. Hard. Pill. To. Swallow. 

Grace can be summed up as: getting what you don't deserve. Man, sometimes I wish that "eye for an eye" was still in play. That is wrong guys, but that is truth. But my loving husband with his patient and godly heart, reminds me that it does no good to treat people the way they treat you. It only makes your character a reflection of your flesh- and not a reflection of Christ. 

My one and only goal in this life that I have been given is to model Christ. All the rest will fade away. I want to know that I have defended my faith and stood up when others persecuted the Jesus I love. I want to know that I have been an example of Christ to others when they needed it most. I don't selfishly want this for my gratification- I want it for God's glorification. Move me out of the picture. 

Sometimes I don't have a Christ-like attitude. You know why? Because I let my flesh get the best of me and let the devil get a foothold. I am human- and I never said I was perfect. I do, however, believe in the author and perfecter of my faith and I know that Christ is in me. 

As the last days of lent wrap up, I pray my revelation of Christ is magnified and he is glorified. I pray for healing still in my heart and those who have shot the arrows. I pray for Easter to be a marvelous reminder that God's love for us is real and nothing can take that away from us. 

I wouldn't read this if I was you

Stop. I'm serious. I am giving you fair warning to turn away. You don't want to read any further. Trust me. 







Still reading? Then let me give you a small glimpse of what you are about to read.

You are going to the depths of  my heart. You are going to see the "real me". You will see what I am struggling with and why I am hurt. You will hear direct quotes and see exactly how things have been for a while.

And should you so choose to continue reading- know that this is my personal perspective- just my view point. There are others who have their own opinions as well, but this is my blog- and I do what I want. This is the best account I can give you of the shadow of darkness that has consumed my life for the past months. Run and tell that. 


Should you find this abrasive or mean- or why in the world is she writing this- this is really personal and wow- she is bold-  you will see the end point. ...but there is still time to stop reading right now. 




Here Goes.




"I deleted you because you talk about Jesus all the time..and because I didn't want to read about it"
"We didn't have any problems before a year and half ago- oh wait that is when she came along"
"I just think you are a hypocrite- because you wouldn't drink when you first came around- but now that is ok? That doesnt make any sense"
"She is the problem"
"I appreciate your prayers, but we don't need any extra prayers for our baby"
"Is that what you think- you think they like you? ha ha"
"She is destroying this family"
" I don't give a (disturbing word that mom's should never say) where you got that  from- you cannot have anything like that because it is ours"
"You need to get control of your wife or there will be consequences"
"She thinks she is better than everyone else and walks around with her chest poked out like she owns the place"
"We go out of our way to speak to her- she never speaks to us"- (can you really blame me?)


Here is my personal favorite: "We have never trusted her or will never trust her. She can't be trusted around our baby because she is intentionally going to hurt her"

All of these are statements that have been said about me in the past (almost) two years. These are certainly not all of them, just the ones that hurt me the most. Not sure how they make you feel- but I can tell you I have shed many a tear over some of these hurtful things. 

I have had a lot of bitterness, anger, spite, malice, and pure hatred in my heart- mostly since December. (I know the falalalaala's should have gotten me out of my angry state, but this year I only saw red- and it wasn't Santa Claus). Just writing about it now makes me angry. 

I cannot tell you of a time when I had been more heartbroken and flat out angry at the same time. Words are for real- and they wound and kill. I have woken up from nightmares because of my anger. I have cried to my husband how someone could say such hurtful things and never care how it makes someone else feel. I have envisioned really mean things because I let my anger get the best of me.

It has been a rough, dark few last months. 

This year when Lent came around, I decided that I didn't need to give up bread or candy for 40 days- because that would be for my own selfish desires- and God would take no pleasure in that. Losing weight would have to come another time. I really thought long and hard what I could give up that was keeping me from Christ. So, Ash Wednesday I made my prayer to God at the alter with my husband- that I would try to learn how to forgive in 40 days. 

I have come to realize that everyone needs improvement, but I am the one who needs it most. I am still searching God and crying out for him to teach me to forgive and let go of my anger. It is so incredibly hard. 

So hard. I have been able to remind myself to pray when anger coming knocking, but I still have a long way to go before Easter. 

I didn't write this to shame or embarrass anyone. I didn't write this because I want bad things to happen to the people who have said those things. And I sure didn't write this for anyone's pity or praise.

I wrote this, because I want you to know my struggle. I want you to know that this Lenten season has been and is the hardest of my life. 

Each week, I have been given a reminder that this was the right thing to give up. My husband says "God isn't going to bless us if we have anger and unforgiveness in our hearts". I am learning so much, but am still far from allowing forgiveness in. 

I know I am only hurting myself by being bitter and angry. I know that God is not glorified when I choose to be either of those. 

So, as I bring this post to a close, I seek to find the true blessing of being able to forgive. I hope to let my boiling blood and racing heart calm down. I seek to replace angry with fruits of the Spirit. I seek to let go- and let God. I pray for the transformation that God has urged me to complete and I pray that by his strength- he makes me new and I am able to praise Jesus even louder. 

Until next time-
Rachel 

Here I Go Again

..going down the only road I've ever known.

Monday.  Monday.  Monday. Didn't post last week because of the ice- even though I had 2 days off- I just chose to be lazy. Well- not really. I cleaned up our house- even vacuumed the mattress and pillows on our bed and cleaned the bathroom.

Georgia- you sure have been crazy lately. Snow- real fluffy snow- iced roads- a catastrophic event in Atlanta- 2.5 days off from work- then turn around and do it all again 2 weeks later- ice this time and 2 days off again. I am not complaining about not going to work. And then an earthquake on Valentine's day night. Go home Mother Nature, you're drunk.

 

My revelations of  these past events: crazy. This is crazy. 

The only thing that can make this ice and snow go away is heat and light. We had snow in our yard for a while because it was in the shade. People were put in the darkness from these storms because of ice and trees on the lines. Some didn't have power for days. The only thing that would make them happy is to have their lights back on. To feel the warmth and to be able to see in the dark. To feel alive again, because the dark can be a scary and depressing place.

Funny. That is how our lives are. So dark and so cold. Depressing and meaningless- and sometimes scary. Yet again- the only thing that can change our hardened hearts is light. The light of Christ. Only He can melt the heart of stone.

My heart has been heavy to pray for people that I am related to/can't stand/don't like/ but know that the need Jesus to change their heart (even when they tell me they don't need any extra prayers or any help from me).

If you look in these pictures of the trees and bushes from my yard, you will see there is something encased in the ice. I can see the potential of it to come back to life, but I can not melt the ice or unfreeze it. Only light can do that. I see people like that. There is potential for them to be made new, it just has to be unfrozen.

So this week, I pray for the words to pray for others that I don't like. I see the challenge God has laid before me. It isn't for me to change them or fix them- the challenge is for me to pray for them when I. Don't. Want. To. Only Christ can change a heart- bring it to life- and melt the cold, bitter, hatred, spiteful, and mean heart- and raise this life up from the dead.

Maybe my heart needs to be melted as well. Funny how God gives you grand ideas that you think can change the world- but honestly he is just trying to change you me. 

This aint Nintendo

Yesterday was a pretty rough day for me. As you may have read (if you didn't- here it is). Not only were my feelings and my pride hurt, I cried a lot. At work. I didn't even cry at home when I was originally upset Wednesday night about it- but cried really bad in a dear friend's office. 

So as I quietly lost control over my emotions yesterday about my blog not being as life changing as someone else's who got 50K views in 2 weeks of its inception- and I have to BEG people to comment about mine so I can give them free stuff- just to reach 11,000.. I proceeded to tell my coworker why I was upset- I told her that we as humans try to downgrade other's stages of their lives by saying "just wait til.. you are married..you have kids...til you are an adult..til the newlywed stage is over. Til you hit this age. On and On and on. What we are doing is taking away joy and cheating people out of happiness and living their life in their current place. We are saying that you have to get to the next level to have success or find your purpose.  This ain't Nintendo. This is real life- and I DON'T have to get anywhere but at the feet of Jesus.

I told my friend that I didn't need to get married to have my identity validated. I don't have to wait until I have kids to realize my purpose. I don't have to do X, Y, or Z to be successful. I don't have to one-up anybody- because it doesn't matter. Christ is where my identity is found- and all this other stuff is just extra. I said these words even as my other friend was texting them to me. She said "Your worth doesn't come from your blog- Your worth comes from Jesus, the Son of God!" 

I was also reminded that in the grand scheme of things- it is ok if I am not as cool/ popular/awesome as anyone else- because Jesus should be enough.

I seem to give myself great advice when I am in the middle of a letdown- and God seems to provide His Truth in times of need- I just choose to not listen to either sometimes.  

My husband went out of his way to send me verses that told me truth of comparing myself to others. There were 29 verses- but one stood out most. "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ" Galatians 1:10

Straight to the heart- because I'm so vain. Not. About. Numbers. Rachel. God sees the heart. 

Late that night, Another sweet friend texted me some really uplifting words before I went to sleep. I needed to be reminded that "It is nice to be important, but it is more important to be nice". 

Sometimes we have a bad crappy no good day. Sometimes- in the midst of our shadows, the light of Christ comes to us from someone/somewhere we didn't expect- because someone chose Jesus as the answer. I just needed my true friends to remind me of grace- and that who cares what the world says or does. 

 Thanks for reading. Even if the numbers never change, I will know that I can take my own advice when I need it again. 

Dreams Crushed

There are times when I think I am on top of the world. These times do not happen often. I would say maybe 15% of the time. The rest- oh the rest are the times when I am defeated, deflated, and broken hearted. 

It seems like it is always always an uphill battle. Yesterday was one of those days. So often I have these dreams and plans and really good ideas (in my mind- I'm sure others would beg to differ)- and so many times they get crushed. Shattered.

More like a pinata beaten with a pair of scissors and ran through a paper shredder. 

Sometimes I just feel like no matter how hard I try- it is never good enough. Our devotion was about this the other night- but it talked about marriage and not just in general. Maybe I need to re-read it since I was half asleep when we did it. 

It is very hard to sit back and watch others do something that you wanted to do or enjoyed doing (or felt you were good at) and see them gain success and fame and praise.

Let me say this: it is not that I don't want others to be successful- that isn't it at all. I do want that for others. I am proud of my friends in all their triumphs and beautiful stories. I just question why I keep missing the opportunity bus. 

As I sat at our big dining table and wrote addresses on cards last night- I felt the sting of tears fill my eyes. I choked them down and went and locked myself in our bathroom. As I stood looking up to God asking a million and 1 questions as to why I can never be "that great" or "why no one thinks I am that great" or "why is there always another step to be "great" to the world" and just plain "why are you doing this to me God"- I didn't really get an answer. All I did was just stand there and hurt. 

Pride is a weird thing. I don't want to boast about myself and come across as the world revolves around me- I like the humble side- yet at the same time I want people to thing I am awesome. I do want that praise that I finally did something right. Not for me to be filled with lavish admiration, but for me to finally feel as if I did something that benefited someone.

My sweet husband came and found me after I had showered and calmed down (he has to hear ALL of my frustrations, be glad that isn't you). He says to stop comparing myself to others. I tell him he has no idea what it is like to be a girl- and he agrees. It isn't that easy, but I wish it was.

I don't have any life changing words to say about this. I tried praying about it but got so frustrated I quit. I'm sure I could find some scripture to change my heart- but I'm not there yet. I'm hoping this case of the blues- more like grays and blacks- will soon pass.