Dreams Crushed

There are times when I think I am on top of the world. These times do not happen often. I would say maybe 15% of the time. The rest- oh the rest are the times when I am defeated, deflated, and broken hearted. 

It seems like it is always always an uphill battle. Yesterday was one of those days. So often I have these dreams and plans and really good ideas (in my mind- I'm sure others would beg to differ)- and so many times they get crushed. Shattered.

More like a pinata beaten with a pair of scissors and ran through a paper shredder. 

Sometimes I just feel like no matter how hard I try- it is never good enough. Our devotion was about this the other night- but it talked about marriage and not just in general. Maybe I need to re-read it since I was half asleep when we did it. 

It is very hard to sit back and watch others do something that you wanted to do or enjoyed doing (or felt you were good at) and see them gain success and fame and praise.

Let me say this: it is not that I don't want others to be successful- that isn't it at all. I do want that for others. I am proud of my friends in all their triumphs and beautiful stories. I just question why I keep missing the opportunity bus. 

As I sat at our big dining table and wrote addresses on cards last night- I felt the sting of tears fill my eyes. I choked them down and went and locked myself in our bathroom. As I stood looking up to God asking a million and 1 questions as to why I can never be "that great" or "why no one thinks I am that great" or "why is there always another step to be "great" to the world" and just plain "why are you doing this to me God"- I didn't really get an answer. All I did was just stand there and hurt. 

Pride is a weird thing. I don't want to boast about myself and come across as the world revolves around me- I like the humble side- yet at the same time I want people to thing I am awesome. I do want that praise that I finally did something right. Not for me to be filled with lavish admiration, but for me to finally feel as if I did something that benefited someone.

My sweet husband came and found me after I had showered and calmed down (he has to hear ALL of my frustrations, be glad that isn't you). He says to stop comparing myself to others. I tell him he has no idea what it is like to be a girl- and he agrees. It isn't that easy, but I wish it was.

I don't have any life changing words to say about this. I tried praying about it but got so frustrated I quit. I'm sure I could find some scripture to change my heart- but I'm not there yet. I'm hoping this case of the blues- more like grays and blacks- will soon pass.