Butterfly

Do you ever get to the point where you just say "Ok, I'm done"? Or maybe you aren't like me- and you just keep trying. A lot of people have told me lately that my expectations are too high- unattainable really. That kind of stings- to know that someone thinks that my standards are unrealistic or never going to be met. I have also been told that I am too hard on myself.

Do you ever go out of your way for people? I find myself doing this sometimes. More than sometimes. Do people ever respond the way you think they should or want them to? Not in my case lately. I guess I think my actions and my the reasons why my heart wants to do these actions don't add up with how the world responds. Why do I expect so much out of people- why is it that I think what I am doing is of great benefit to you, but you just see it as a chore?

Sometimes I feel as if I am living in a fog. Not a Claritin cleared up fog either. I think I am bringing something good to the table or to the conversation I guess, and I am quickly reminded that what I thought was something nice- is seen as rubbish.
I don't think my standards are too high. I don't feel as though they won't ever be met. If I am not hard on myself- nothing will get done. Is it wrong to expect so much from people? I am not sure I have the answer to that- but I do know if I have no standards for them to meet, then what is the point of engaging in a conversation/life/etc. with them?

I have tried too long with some things in my life. Tried to make days or lives better. Sunday was the day I decided not anymore. Sometimes things hurt us too much and we have to let them go. Completely. even, when we sit back and say- just one more time, things will change and be different this time. No they won't. Not because of something you did. Only when those oposing forces want it to. "Spread your wings and you will become a butterfly" Mariah Carey said that on her award winning Butterfly album. I have had a few bumps in testing these wings out, but it is time I use them for what they were meant for- to get me from one place time hurt section of life to another.

It is going to hurt. Probably won't really come natural at first. But here is the deal: if it was worth it- both parties involved would be beating those wings fervously to make it to a new point. Not just one. So, as I remind myself of the "the quiet" that I want to live in, I say the flight of the monarch has begun.

Comeback Kid- For real

Last night was our second softball game. We played a lot better and everyone batted much better. Including myself. We beat the Methodist 22-11. I went 2 hits, 2 walks, and a fly out, but it looked like it was hit hard so I will take it. It is much easier to hit well when the rest of your team hits well also. We batted around in the 1st inning. The first inning- it was awesome scoring 13 runs and we had only been in the dugout one time! 

I also learned it is much easier to play when you go up there and just either A) listen to what the coach just taught you or B) Go up there focused and ready to hit. Apparently I have been stepping up to the plate thinking about too much. My life- all the crap that has been going on it and the frustrations of it. The inability to perform under pressure. The liability I bring instead of assests. The struggles from deep within. The moment of wishful thinking. The fleeting second of past memories of how last season was.

All of this makes for bad batting. Clear mind and the willpower to hit. That is all I need. And it worked- with no encouragement from the "formers". I did that. God answered my prayer earlier to just let me hit and play to the best of my ability.

I got the "player" award after the game. A simple token from our coach acknowledging either Most Improved, Best Player, etc. He called me the comeback kid. Little did he know I had just written about refusing to accept setbacks. God works- even in my personal struggles with slow pitch church league softball. Thank you for the blessings and the lessons.  

My New Talent

Can you guess it? I have made mention of things on here that I am not talented at, but I have reached the conclusion that I have found it. It wasn't anything I had to ask others opinion about. No one told me about it. 

No- making big hair bows and tulley tutus is not it. Haha- no not crafting. Not decorating either. Not drawing or sketching, like I once thought when I was little. It is not even cooking like my momma wishes it would be. It is not talking-as I have felt since Junior year of college- nope that is not the big daddy of them. It isn't makeup artistry either. Nope- it isn't being healthy either. Guess again. There are some things that I am ok/good/average/enough to get by at, but this one thing keeps coming up as being a success. Not to brag- I don't even have to try that hard, and it always works.

It just came up one day- out of the blue I guess. No- wait. It has always been present, I guess I just finally realized it the other day. 
Finally revealing itself to me- and I must say, I was astonished. At first I thought, no, this can't be it, but the more I tried, oh the better I did get at it. And have gotten at it. And now I am confident of it. There is no denying it.

Think you have the right guess? Here it is- come close-
Letdowns. Disappointment. Bomb. Fiasco. Disaster. Botch. Catastrophe. Failure.

Yes- I am 100% successful at failing or ruining things all of the time. Here is the recap of the week:

Saturday-Hiking- fall on a large rock, now have large ugly nasty abrasion that will leave an even prettier scar
Sunday- not choosing the right words with people, strained relationships
food poisoning- get to goal weight, then blow it out of the water by eating enough sweets (Monday and Tuesday) to send a diabetic into a coma. For a week.
Tuesday- softball. Oh glorious softball. No hits, complete embarrassment. Pay money to improve hitting- don't make contact one time. Out of 4 tries.
Wednesday- Send out email for work, get a few heated ones back about is this really my job and that I should be educating our students, not creating insecurities in them.
No workouts and no eating healthy this week. Awesome. I had peanut butter m&ms for dinner last night (but that is solely justified since I took myself to the movies alone). And for breakfast this morning. No justification there.

You see? I don't know why I didn't see it before, but now I do, plain as day. Count on me to mess it up. Count on me to not come through.
I have a lot of flaws, a lot. I have a lot of learning to do. I also have to remind myself that this too shall pass. Proverbs 24:16 "for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again," I have had my seven times, maybe more this week. But I can't stop there. The end of that verse says they rise again. The Falcons aren't the only ones who will be rising up this year.
Your true character is who you are when no one is watching. I am certainly going to try and live my life as though others are watching- and rise above my failures and not let them define me.

You haven't seen the last of me Failure Fairy. Sprinkle those mistakes somewhere else. No, you just bring them on, and I will break the wings that you rode in on.

Finally Figured It Out

I have been being true to myself about what I posted on here the other day. I have been keeping quiet and learning to take in things around me instead of reacting to them. The secret life does have its perks. No one knows your business. No one can respond to your thoughts/opinions inappropriately, and no one can judge you because you have been quiet.

Interesting. You observe more when you remain in the quiet. I have also come to realize that you don't get weighed down as much, because you just have your problems to deal with, not anyone else's. Recluse. I might take this on for a while. It's funny though- people notice when you go from being one way to another- or I should at least say- a few people noticed. Not that I am doing this for anyone but myself, but when someone made a comment about me being "upset kinda off', I almost wanted to smile, because I had finally figured it out. The secret of living not in the open with everyone to gaze into your business- or hear about it because you won't shut up about your life and all the stuff it brings with it.

I am learning that the world is a cruel place. I am also learning that I contribute to the negativity that makes this world cruel. I am also finding out that the world revolving around me will not, has not, nor ever will be.

Last night I did a lesson about "Comeback Kids" from the Bible. People who had/made a big mess with/out of their lives- and God turned their life around for good (Romans 8:28). I read this quote on a forum and it is too good not to share with you.

"Don’t allow yourself to be completely engrossed in that mess. It does not matter where you are or how big a mess your life is today. God has a comeback plan for you. ...Refuse to accept a setback! ...He will preserve your life in order to preserve the purpose for your life."- Valentine Egbudiwe

I have made a bunch of messes in this life. Seems like for the past two years I have made huge messes with friends. I have- and I take owenership of my actions and reactions. God has been so faithful though. The friendships that mattered have been resolved and the ones that didn't/haven't- I have peace about them. 

God has a comeback for me. I do not know what it is- or can't even fathom the comeback he has planned for me, but I know that part of it is living in this secret quiet life. He has brought me this far, because the purpose for my life is still at work. So as I remain in the quiet- pray for me- that I will find my purpose and that this new life will bring about some of the healing that I have been desperately needing.

Bucket List 4 & 5

Two in one day. That is always a plus.

-Got to a Spring Festival: I went to the Dogwood Festival in Atlanta. Piedmont Park is really pretty. The festival was really kind of lame. I love art, but who brings $500+ to a park? In cash. Too much of stuff I would never buy. Just really different items and paintings. Some of them were really boring, and some of them- I know I have seen my cousins make prettier pictures that what they were selling.

It was nice to visit though.

I hiked a State Park not on the list for right now because I decided to change out one. Sweetwater Creek State Park. Should be called "Atlanta's hidden gem". A few miles past Six Flags sits this HUGE state park. No skyscrappers. No marta. No traffic. Not much noise. And the complete essence of bliss in nature. There are lots of shoals and the peaceful enviroment by the creek is amazing. Really good trails that have been maintained. I did fall on a large rock and have a nasty cut/bruise/scrape on my leg, but the views were worth it. I highly recommend you visit here. You won't be disappointed. And the park was super ecofriendly in their buildings for the office and bathrooms. They recyle everything. And I mean everything.

So, a few down, a whole lot more to do in the month of May. I hope I can at least get to 2-3 more parks before June.

The Words That You Said

..still ring in my head....I'm not ready to make nice, I'm not ready to back down.."

That is the song that put the Dixie Chicks up for a Grammy in 2007 I believe. They won that year. Took home one of the highest coveted awards for music entertainment. I have that cd. This cd was their response for speaking out about what they believed in, and not backing down. This was when all the stuff between them and Toby Keith got started, because of remarks made about the war and Bush- and how Natalie's had her life threatened from a fan "telling her to shut up and sing or her life would be over".

Now, I can't relate to having my life threatened. But I can identify with the other words in this song. It seems here lately that the words that I have said/written have been offensive to some people who read them and I have been called a few choice names the past few weeks. Let me say this with complete honesty and truth: this blog and the postings on it have NO intention to cause discord and strife for people who read it. If you really read it, like really read the postings, you will see this is all about my short comings and failures as a person- not anyone else's. It isn't meant to cause harm, make you mad, defriend me, or upset you. I honestly mean that- and if it has for any reason, I apologize, because I don't mean to upset you.

Now I will admit that I can be extremely brash sometimes and maybe I shouldn't put my complete feelings out in the open. I will agree with that. I know the type of personality I have- and sometimes I can just come across as a ______. I get that, you aren't the first person to tell me that. But when I post about struggling and feeling helpless, it isn't anything but my feelings. I am not projecting them on anyone, I am not asking you to feel sorry for me. I am just writing. If you read this- that is awesome. If you don't read my blog, trust me, the world isn't going to end.

With that being said, I don't want to write about things that don't matter. I don't want to invest time into things that are going no where. So, if you have been following, I hope to learn the true meaning of what a secret really is, how to not always speak out about things, how to truly listen, and how to just explore the introverted lifestyle. Yes a lot of my posts have been in the negative category- I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me again. I have just had a rough start to 2012. I am human- I am a refinement in process. I do make mistakes, huge wreckless mistakes. Sometimes I say things without thinking of how they will be read or interpreted. Sometimes I feel like life would be just fine without me here to mess it up. Sometimes I hurt too. I am sorry, truly to the utmost, apologetic if these words have made you question any part of my character, our friendship, and just me as a person in general.

Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.


I clearly have not lived up to this verse if you have been offended from anything I have posted, and I am sorry. I want to build you up- not tear you down. A spoon not a fork or a knife.

When You Don't Know

If you read my post from last night, you should know what kind of mindset I have today. But- I say unto you, God is bigger than I understand, and infiltrates our lives when we least expect it- or want it.

I get up. I come to work. I just know I have a lot going on right now- that my brain is working overtime on things that I would really care not to think about. Through the encouragement of some friends, I have found that God still is at work, even when I think he is taking a day off. God isn't lazy like me, he never quits and never fails. The verses from yesterday, his compassions are new every morning was made true today.

I woke up to my daily verse from a coworker: Matthew 6:33 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you. 
God hit me with his best shot to remind me that I am not seeking out his counsel for the things that are going on in my life. Seek God first- and everything else will fall into place. It will be given to you if it is in God's plans. Seek, Ask, Knock, dont just complain about it.

Another dear "friend"/family member/wonderful person in my life shared 2 Chronicles 20:12 with me. Funny, now that I write it out, this needs to be my verse for 2012, since everything that could go wrong has don' up and went wrong. The verse says "For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you." NIV) I read a couple of other translations and I think I like the Contemporary English Version: We won't stand a chance when this army attacks. We don't know what to do- we are begging for your help."

Think about that imagery. All the translations (NIV, NKJV, HCSB, Message, and CEV) say this in their respected orders: we have no power, no power, powerless, helpless, won't stand a chance

-against the-vast army, great multitude, vast number, vandal horde, army

- and all agree on this: we don't know what to do

BUT. And Praise God it is a BIG BUT! - our eyes are on you, our eyes are upon you, we look to you, we're looking to you, we are begging for your help.

In all of this stuff called life that is going on around me God, I am clueless- and I really don't stand a chance to make it on my own against the things that are attacking me (Financial, Emotional, Physical, Mental, Spiritual, Relational) BUT I am looking to you for answers. My eyes are on you, direct my path the way you would want me to go. I am looking to you for your provision.

Pair Zephaniah 3:17 again with this, and be reminded God is a Mighty Warrior. He can handle the heat when we can't. It is when we realize we really don't have all the answers that God says ok, finally- now let me get to work, because I made everything and I dang sure can fix it. Have a little faith.

It is ok to not know what to do. It is more important to keep your eyes fixed on God.