Pursuit of happiness

I didn't think it was that obvious. I thought I was dealing with hiding it well. Oh the contrary. Seems like the more I deny it, the more real it is. People are noticing, more people are talking. Don't think that for one second not talking about it makes it go away. It makes it all the more real- and all the more loud. Screaming in my ears and resounding off of my brain- to be replayed and replayed again and again like an ipod on repeat.

The things we think we know most about, are in turn, the things we know the least about. It has been is a difficult and dark time. It doesn't go away, it just becomes a part of who you are and you deal with it. So much has been put in my face this week. A lot of new and scary and a lot of same old story just a different day. It is hard to force a smile for other's happiness and achievements when I have to fake my own happiness.

Fake it til you make it. I learned that Freshman year and I couldn't tell you anything better to offer as advice. Fake it til you make it. Sounds dumb and lame- but in all honesty, it is the truest advice. Now, this doesn't cover all aspects of life- I know that full well. BUT it does cover the times when your get up and go is gone. It covers the times when people are heartless and vicious to you. It covers the times when you can't, but know you have to. It also covers the times when you want to give up and let go, even if you are the last one standing.

Fake it til you make it. Sometimes- it is ok to pretend to be ok when you are not. It is ok to make mistakes. It is even more ok to admit your faults and that you really did make those mistakes.

Even more so, I am learning that it is ok to not be alright all the time. It is ok to not have it all together. It is ok if you are dealing with things that no one else understands and to try and fix them the best way you know how. It is ok to not have the words to pray to God, but remind yourself of who God says he is- and you will be reminded that if he can hold the whole world in the palm of his hand- he must be bigger than all things put together.

One more thing, it is ok if you don't care about anyone but yourself for just a moment. For in that moment, you make the stark realization that if you matter to yourself, then your worth is far more that than of the most precious jewels of the world. You are the only one that can make the changes, if you notice that they need to be made. You are the only one who truly knows what it is you want most out of life. It is your pursuit of happiness- not anyone else's. And even when people, friends, loves, and life brings you down- you still have a choice in your course for the pursuit of happiness.

I don't know where you are today. I don't know what life is throwing at you at a speed of light, but I know that life is what you make it. Even if you have to fake it- you can still make it through today.