The Letdown

It is 1:15 am as I start to write this. Just another day in paradise. Right. If your idea of paradise consists of mess ups, bad choices of words, about 1000 tears, and a broken heart.


I have so much on my mind right now, so I want to say I am sorry if none of this makes sense. As I sit here and think about the words that were once thoughts that are written here, there isn't much to really be proud of. A lot of crying, a lot of complaining, and a lot of wrong doings.


Not sure why you keep reading this thing, there isn't much of anything going on. I can't explain the emotions that I have going on right now. I would like to, but I can't find the words. Well, really I can, I just don't want to get anything started by saying them. The Quiet Rachel. The Quiet. Find yourself in the Quiet and this too shall pass.


As I struggle with my life and where it is now- here are some of the questions that no one can give me answers to:


Propensity and Proclivity- what in the world do these words even mean and why is my brain fixated on them? I don't even think I have ever heard them spoken in a sentence, but they are driving me NUTS. Propensity- a natural inclination or tendency. Proclivity- natural or habitual inclination or tendency. Well now I know. Lately I guess you could say I have shown great propensity towards being in the dumps. It just comes natural now.


How do you make marriage work- when it is a chore to get up and know that you are still living under the same roof with a person you are disconnected from?


Why is it ok to have double standards? Or better yet, ok for some people to do WHATEVER THEY WANT, but come time when you do the same thing, they get mad and go nuts.Really. I don't get this one. How is what's right for you not right for me as well?

(So I feel asleep on the couch and woke up up 3:30- now I will finish @930)

Why do people not care? Wait- pretend to care under false pretenses and then when (insert your own word ) hits the fan, they are no where to be found?

Why is it that when you say something is true it hurts? Hurts  to say it, hurts to hear it, hurts to know it, hurts to have to deal with it?

Why is it that you try super hard to be really good at things- and only come to find out you were in fact AWFUL at it? Made others miserable- even though you thought you were doing right.

Why is it that nothing ever seems to fall in place? No wait. It falls. When it rains it pours. Just not in place for me.

Why are the finer things in life so much more attractive- why can't I just be content with what I have been given?

Why are people fake? Pretend to be one way, but then change it up around- or not around should I say- other people?

I don't have any of these answers, well maybe the definition of words one- but it just isn't setting well with me. I don't know if you have the answers either. I would be foolish to not say God does. He has the ultimate answers- I know this. Sometimes I just wish he would send them down like parachutes from the Hunger Games. It would make things so much more manageable and obvious. But, I am reminded of Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge (submit) to him and he will direct your path (make your paths straight).

Contemporary English Version says it best:With all your heart you must trust the Lord and not your own judgment.Always let him lead you,and he will clear the road for you to follow.

I hope I can make this verse real.