I just wanted to make a short post before I treck off for work later. I have accomplished a lot of things on my bucket list so far, but have a TON left to do before Friday. We will see how much I can get done in 2 days. Update on life:
It is ok. It could be a lot better or worse, but for the moment it is ok. I am still unsure as to where I will live, so that needs to pick up the pace from a stroll to a trot.
I am having a hard time with accepting things the way they are. It is so hard to not run away or to just wish for something more. I read this verse today and I hope I can make it real to me.
Hebrews 13:5-6 Dont fall in love with money. Be satisfied with what you have. The Lord has promised that he will not leave us or desert us. (Contemporary English Version)
Be satisfied with what you have. This is a hard lesson for me to learn, because I ALWAYS want new something. New shoes, new clothes, new decorations- new new new. I want the best life. I want the best in everything. Be satisfied. Be content with what you have. I know I have a closet full of clothes. I have just as many shoes. I need to learn the value of waiting with my money and saving for something really worth investing in.
Aside from material things- God teach me to be content with what you have given me. It is so hard, but direct my eyes to you and things of you. Steer me away from the new. From the different. From the "greener side". Put my focus on you and teach me what it really means to be content. Teach me to see what I really have.
My real life. Sometimes I say what I feel, sometimes I don't know what to say.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Whirlwind. Avalanche. Traffic Wreck.
This is where I am today. If I had to sum up the past week's life events in one word- it would be one of those three. I just can't decide which.
A lot has gone on, but I am remaining in the quiet, so I guess you will just have to sit here with me until I want to reveal the latest life has been throwing at me.
It is so strange to me- how I can literally be in an emotional dessert for weeks, surviving on tears and the thin line of hope, and then an unexplainable gust of LIFE is thrown in my face and I have to army crawl my way through. I haven't made it out yet, I know that for sure.
Some would say it is opportunities. Others might say it is what I asked for. Even still, someone might say that good old lemonade line. Can't I just throw the lemons back? Really? I picture this scene of life like that 90s show American Gladiator- the final stage when they have to dodge the tennis balls being shot out of a humongous cannon by a body builder who could curl me with one arm. Life is the equivalent of "Storm" or "Nitro", my favorite, pelting you with tennis balls. Life tries to nail you right square in the head with something to knock you off your feet a while. And as these contestants tried their absolute best to move to the next station and fire back- you could either see 1 of 2 things in their eyes: Determination to beat the Gladiators or Defeat knowing they couldn't beat such a "monster" of a person.
I am not used to life being this way- with everything going crappy one month, then the next being at an absolute standstill like an old 25cent horse machine that won't move regardless of how many coins you put in. Then, out of no where, comes everything and their brother for you to have to deal with. It is overwelming. It is too much for me right now. I don't want to touch it, because I know I will mess up this chaos even more.
I don't know why it all had to come within the same week of each other: life changing decisions, mindsets, and hardships, but I know they are here, and they have yet to have their way with me I fear. I know it is only going to get worse. The snowball is getting bigger with every second of every passing day.
But, and I did say but, I am thankful that I serve the Creator of the lemonade stand. Though sometimes my life is a little more bitter than I would have liked, I know that it is making me in to the person that God wants me to be. I also know the sweeter times sprinkled with an extra teaspoon of sugar are not as sweet if I don't praise the Lord for the bitter times that got me to the sweet. So, as I turn to take in my lemonade for now, I stand confident that the Lemonade Maker is working on his recipe of life for me- and only he can perfect it- give and take away- and make it right for where I am.
A lot has gone on, but I am remaining in the quiet, so I guess you will just have to sit here with me until I want to reveal the latest life has been throwing at me.
It is so strange to me- how I can literally be in an emotional dessert for weeks, surviving on tears and the thin line of hope, and then an unexplainable gust of LIFE is thrown in my face and I have to army crawl my way through. I haven't made it out yet, I know that for sure.
Some would say it is opportunities. Others might say it is what I asked for. Even still, someone might say that good old lemonade line. Can't I just throw the lemons back? Really? I picture this scene of life like that 90s show American Gladiator- the final stage when they have to dodge the tennis balls being shot out of a humongous cannon by a body builder who could curl me with one arm. Life is the equivalent of "Storm" or "Nitro", my favorite, pelting you with tennis balls. Life tries to nail you right square in the head with something to knock you off your feet a while. And as these contestants tried their absolute best to move to the next station and fire back- you could either see 1 of 2 things in their eyes: Determination to beat the Gladiators or Defeat knowing they couldn't beat such a "monster" of a person.
I am not used to life being this way- with everything going crappy one month, then the next being at an absolute standstill like an old 25cent horse machine that won't move regardless of how many coins you put in. Then, out of no where, comes everything and their brother for you to have to deal with. It is overwelming. It is too much for me right now. I don't want to touch it, because I know I will mess up this chaos even more.
I don't know why it all had to come within the same week of each other: life changing decisions, mindsets, and hardships, but I know they are here, and they have yet to have their way with me I fear. I know it is only going to get worse. The snowball is getting bigger with every second of every passing day.
But, and I did say but, I am thankful that I serve the Creator of the lemonade stand. Though sometimes my life is a little more bitter than I would have liked, I know that it is making me in to the person that God wants me to be. I also know the sweeter times sprinkled with an extra teaspoon of sugar are not as sweet if I don't praise the Lord for the bitter times that got me to the sweet. So, as I turn to take in my lemonade for now, I stand confident that the Lemonade Maker is working on his recipe of life for me- and only he can perfect it- give and take away- and make it right for where I am.
Friday, May 18, 2012
lessons
It has been an incredibly long time since I sat down and poured out my thoughts. I have had the time- just no ambition. No one cares anyway. It's not like I am writing a profound cant put down novel over here.
But on to business. These are a few things that I am learning/ have learned/ want to apply over the last few months. Take them for what they are, but trust me, don't make someone say them to you twice. Pay attention now.
1. Who do you say you are? No really, who do you really say you are? If what you say isn't matching up with your life, then something needs to change.
2. There is divine purpose in EVERYTHING. Even when you think you specifically have no purpose, God is still at work. He is the mastermind architect. The incredible painter. The constant house flipper. He is still at work, never stopped as a matter of fact, and is perfecting you.
3. God's will is going to be done- regardless of if you try and speed it up or slow it down (Aaron Gibbs, college friend). So- when there is chaos- remember that the Creator of storms and winds and rain, is also the Creator of rainbows, dew on the lillies, and blue skies. It may be a long time coming, and you may never see the end results, but hold fast to the promises that God is still in control. He has already let things pass through his permissive hands that can happen to you, find comfort in knowing he is holding you in those hands as well.
4. People aren't what they seem- there is always a closet filled with skeletons or in some cases an attic with demons waiting to be unleashed on someone. We can't judge people for the things that are in their past or present, all we can do is meet them where they are and love them. That is it. You don't have to like them.
5. Putting your faith in the created takes your focus off of the Creator. The more you try to do, even if it is Church things, can take your focus off of who Christ is and what he did for you. Learn to really cling, like a tree frog on a window, to the Word of God and put your faith in the ultimate inventor of life.
6. Words aren't always pretty. Sometimes they go on slick like paint on a wall- and sometimes they go over like a blender with no lid filled with a smoothie on high. Be careful of how you react to people. Be careful of the words you choose to let come out of your mouth. Sometimes, it is best to just let them flash in your mind instead of bringing them out like a parade at Disney.
7. Life does go on. As trivial and negating to your situation as that might sound, it is true. If you are still breathing, life is still happening. Make the most to not miss too much of it when you are down.
8. Love is hard. Really hard. It hurts to give it your all only to be given back nothing. Love is a battlefield like Jordin Sparks said. Filled with landmines of despair and hand grenades of your shortcomings. These things blow up in your face and hurt. Sting. Even make you feel things in places you have never felt. It is hard to love. It is hard to get over a love. If you think it is worth working at, then make a plan to dodge the bombs and work it out. If the war is too much, give it up and find out who you want to be before you try and love again.
9. It is ok to cry. Cry until you can't anymore. Get it out and let it run dry. Cry when you feel the need. Don't supress it. Let it out. You aren't accountable to anyone on this earth for crying. Sometimes those tears are what we need to wash away the dirty window in front of us and let us see things differently- or just see them for what they really are for the first time.
10. True friends will be there without asking. You won't ever have to wonder where they are or why they haven't called. The ones you have to seek out for interaction, then those aren't your truest. The genuine ones know when you are struggling- and call you out on it because they care. You will know your true friends when you find yourself with nothing, and then a true friend notices and calls, texts, or makes it a point to communicate with you. You won't have to look very far for these, because they stand out in the crowd and don't just blend in with the "friends" circle you keep.
11. People don't change. Gasp- say what? No, they really don't. You can't change them either. So quit trying. It isn't worth your time or effort. Things aren't going to get better, by anything you do or say. people only change when they realize the need for improvement. They are the only ones who can make these changes. Not you. Not your mom. And not some book.
12. Take moments for yourself. Do something once a month for JUST YOU!!. No one else can accompany, no one else needs to know about it. Just you. Find out what you want in life and make a way to get there. Spend some time, and sometimes some money, on YOU. There is only one of you, so why not make it a worthwhile investment?
I hope you take these words to heart. They are true. They are real. They really do apply to your life now and what it is going to be.
But on to business. These are a few things that I am learning/ have learned/ want to apply over the last few months. Take them for what they are, but trust me, don't make someone say them to you twice. Pay attention now.
1. Who do you say you are? No really, who do you really say you are? If what you say isn't matching up with your life, then something needs to change.
2. There is divine purpose in EVERYTHING. Even when you think you specifically have no purpose, God is still at work. He is the mastermind architect. The incredible painter. The constant house flipper. He is still at work, never stopped as a matter of fact, and is perfecting you.
3. God's will is going to be done- regardless of if you try and speed it up or slow it down (Aaron Gibbs, college friend). So- when there is chaos- remember that the Creator of storms and winds and rain, is also the Creator of rainbows, dew on the lillies, and blue skies. It may be a long time coming, and you may never see the end results, but hold fast to the promises that God is still in control. He has already let things pass through his permissive hands that can happen to you, find comfort in knowing he is holding you in those hands as well.
4. People aren't what they seem- there is always a closet filled with skeletons or in some cases an attic with demons waiting to be unleashed on someone. We can't judge people for the things that are in their past or present, all we can do is meet them where they are and love them. That is it. You don't have to like them.
5. Putting your faith in the created takes your focus off of the Creator. The more you try to do, even if it is Church things, can take your focus off of who Christ is and what he did for you. Learn to really cling, like a tree frog on a window, to the Word of God and put your faith in the ultimate inventor of life.
6. Words aren't always pretty. Sometimes they go on slick like paint on a wall- and sometimes they go over like a blender with no lid filled with a smoothie on high. Be careful of how you react to people. Be careful of the words you choose to let come out of your mouth. Sometimes, it is best to just let them flash in your mind instead of bringing them out like a parade at Disney.
7. Life does go on. As trivial and negating to your situation as that might sound, it is true. If you are still breathing, life is still happening. Make the most to not miss too much of it when you are down.
8. Love is hard. Really hard. It hurts to give it your all only to be given back nothing. Love is a battlefield like Jordin Sparks said. Filled with landmines of despair and hand grenades of your shortcomings. These things blow up in your face and hurt. Sting. Even make you feel things in places you have never felt. It is hard to love. It is hard to get over a love. If you think it is worth working at, then make a plan to dodge the bombs and work it out. If the war is too much, give it up and find out who you want to be before you try and love again.
9. It is ok to cry. Cry until you can't anymore. Get it out and let it run dry. Cry when you feel the need. Don't supress it. Let it out. You aren't accountable to anyone on this earth for crying. Sometimes those tears are what we need to wash away the dirty window in front of us and let us see things differently- or just see them for what they really are for the first time.
10. True friends will be there without asking. You won't ever have to wonder where they are or why they haven't called. The ones you have to seek out for interaction, then those aren't your truest. The genuine ones know when you are struggling- and call you out on it because they care. You will know your true friends when you find yourself with nothing, and then a true friend notices and calls, texts, or makes it a point to communicate with you. You won't have to look very far for these, because they stand out in the crowd and don't just blend in with the "friends" circle you keep.
11. People don't change. Gasp- say what? No, they really don't. You can't change them either. So quit trying. It isn't worth your time or effort. Things aren't going to get better, by anything you do or say. people only change when they realize the need for improvement. They are the only ones who can make these changes. Not you. Not your mom. And not some book.
12. Take moments for yourself. Do something once a month for JUST YOU!!. No one else can accompany, no one else needs to know about it. Just you. Find out what you want in life and make a way to get there. Spend some time, and sometimes some money, on YOU. There is only one of you, so why not make it a worthwhile investment?
I hope you take these words to heart. They are true. They are real. They really do apply to your life now and what it is going to be.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Where'd the Cookies go?
So many times I hear this from people "I can't wait til Friday (and it is Monday)" "I wish this day would hurry up and end" "Can we fast forward to next weekend (And it is still the present weekend)?
I do this sometimes too, but I have lately been thinking about life differently. We wish away the present and only long for better exciting times in the future. As if this day we have been given isn't enough.
Life does get overwhelming. I know this all too well. Now I don't have major responsibilities, only a job, bills and a dog. Kids, owning a house, being married, appointments and 50 'leven things to do don't surround me. But I do know what it is like to wish days were over and wish we could just live in the happy fun exciting times all the time.
But I think we miss something much bigger than how we see it when we wish away today. You can't change your past- so there is no need to dwell there and keep living in memories that have been written, stamped, sealed, and delivered to closed chapters in the book of your life. You can't predict the future- so there really isn't a point to aim hopelessly at getting at the next day or looking forward to things way down the road to just get us out of where we are today. You can use your past to shape your future. The things you do now set the course for how things could go for you. Take the lessons you have learned, from your mistakes as well as others, take the blessings you have been given, and resolve to not let the things of yesterday or today determine your tomorrow.
How often do you really live in the NOW? Not gazing off for tomorrow in your dreamlike fairytale of a life- and certainly not in the place where you can only visit in memory and not in real life. The NOW. What are you doing NOW?
Do you enjoy the day or is it just a dread and you have to push through, just holding onto a glimmer of hope that tomorrow is GOING to be better? Do you take time (to smell the roses)? Or do you gobble up your day like the Cookie Monster does cookies and have nothing left to show at the end of it but regret and arms wide open with a confused facial expression of "where'd the cookies go"?
Yes- days to suck. Yes- sometimes the past makes its presence known all to well and it clouds our vision for today. Yes- sometimes tomorrow is gonna be more fun. BUT- what are you missing out on today? Maybe it is a long converstation with someone you don't know- or normally wouldn't talk to. Maybe it is getting work done so you can ENJOY that tomorrow. Maybe- just maybe- it is time for you to sit and pray.
I hope you read this and are reminded to live in the NOW. Not what was or could be- but just the now. Don't wish away your todays, because those tomorrows could turn out to be worse, or even yet, not happen. Live in the now- and you wont question where the cookies went.
I do this sometimes too, but I have lately been thinking about life differently. We wish away the present and only long for better exciting times in the future. As if this day we have been given isn't enough.
Life does get overwhelming. I know this all too well. Now I don't have major responsibilities, only a job, bills and a dog. Kids, owning a house, being married, appointments and 50 'leven things to do don't surround me. But I do know what it is like to wish days were over and wish we could just live in the happy fun exciting times all the time.
But I think we miss something much bigger than how we see it when we wish away today. You can't change your past- so there is no need to dwell there and keep living in memories that have been written, stamped, sealed, and delivered to closed chapters in the book of your life. You can't predict the future- so there really isn't a point to aim hopelessly at getting at the next day or looking forward to things way down the road to just get us out of where we are today. You can use your past to shape your future. The things you do now set the course for how things could go for you. Take the lessons you have learned, from your mistakes as well as others, take the blessings you have been given, and resolve to not let the things of yesterday or today determine your tomorrow.
How often do you really live in the NOW? Not gazing off for tomorrow in your dreamlike fairytale of a life- and certainly not in the place where you can only visit in memory and not in real life. The NOW. What are you doing NOW?
Do you enjoy the day or is it just a dread and you have to push through, just holding onto a glimmer of hope that tomorrow is GOING to be better? Do you take time (to smell the roses)? Or do you gobble up your day like the Cookie Monster does cookies and have nothing left to show at the end of it but regret and arms wide open with a confused facial expression of "where'd the cookies go"?
Yes- days to suck. Yes- sometimes the past makes its presence known all to well and it clouds our vision for today. Yes- sometimes tomorrow is gonna be more fun. BUT- what are you missing out on today? Maybe it is a long converstation with someone you don't know- or normally wouldn't talk to. Maybe it is getting work done so you can ENJOY that tomorrow. Maybe- just maybe- it is time for you to sit and pray.
I hope you read this and are reminded to live in the NOW. Not what was or could be- but just the now. Don't wish away your todays, because those tomorrows could turn out to be worse, or even yet, not happen. Live in the now- and you wont question where the cookies went.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Boyz to Men: Mama
I don't know how you feel about your momma. But today is my momma's birthday and every year I am reminded of this sweet song from Boys 2 Men. I play it every year.
My relationship with my mother hasn't been always glitter and gold. At times, I know we have both hated each other. And I know I have caused a lot of guilt, hurt, and pain to my mom- not just in my terrible teenage years, but in my quest to become a woman.
At times I know she has been more than disappointed in me and with my actions. I know I have broken her heart a million times. I have said things that I didn't mean- but said them still and I know I hurt her.
Here is the thing though. My momma has loved me when I truly was unloveable. My momma has always been there for me. As an only child, I don't have to share my parents and I have their full attention when I want it.
My momma came to every EVERY athletic event, every play, every musical, every event that I have had in my life. My momma stands behind me- even when she knows I am wrong- she still never gives up on me. Though our relationship has been strained, my momma is the first person I call when I am upset. She always listens and never makes me feel bad about the choices I have made. I cry with her and still lay my head on her shoulder. I call her late and wake her up and she never questions it- and always offers to come get me.
My mom had a really rough life growing up. And though she never told me this, I know she vowed a long time ago if she was ever a mom, her kid would never have to go through what she went through. I know she vowed to sacrifice any and every one of her wants and needs to provide for me. I know my momma loves me with every beat in her chest.
She has taught me how to cook. How to clean correctly. How to be creative. How to be a leader and get things done. How to never settle for what you want out of life. And how to have fun in life. My momma has always taught me- if you want it- work hard to get it and don't depend on anyone else to do it for you- whatever it is. Whether it is changing a light bulb or something bigger like relationships. My momma also taught me that I am not spoiled, I am just accustomed to nice things. And I am truly fine with that.
So, today celebrate your mom- or this Sunday since it is Mother's day. I am thankful that I have a momma who encourages creativity, wants to protect me from the wrong of this world, and loves me- even when I mess up.
Happy Birthday Momma! I am so glad I am the only person in the world that can call you that! I hope your day is wonderful, you deserve it.
Watch this video. I cry every year, the words are so true.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tap90z44WR8arents
My relationship with my mother hasn't been always glitter and gold. At times, I know we have both hated each other. And I know I have caused a lot of guilt, hurt, and pain to my mom- not just in my terrible teenage years, but in my quest to become a woman.
At times I know she has been more than disappointed in me and with my actions. I know I have broken her heart a million times. I have said things that I didn't mean- but said them still and I know I hurt her.
Here is the thing though. My momma has loved me when I truly was unloveable. My momma has always been there for me. As an only child, I don't have to share my parents and I have their full attention when I want it.
My momma came to every EVERY athletic event, every play, every musical, every event that I have had in my life. My momma stands behind me- even when she knows I am wrong- she still never gives up on me. Though our relationship has been strained, my momma is the first person I call when I am upset. She always listens and never makes me feel bad about the choices I have made. I cry with her and still lay my head on her shoulder. I call her late and wake her up and she never questions it- and always offers to come get me.
My mom had a really rough life growing up. And though she never told me this, I know she vowed a long time ago if she was ever a mom, her kid would never have to go through what she went through. I know she vowed to sacrifice any and every one of her wants and needs to provide for me. I know my momma loves me with every beat in her chest.
She has taught me how to cook. How to clean correctly. How to be creative. How to be a leader and get things done. How to never settle for what you want out of life. And how to have fun in life. My momma has always taught me- if you want it- work hard to get it and don't depend on anyone else to do it for you- whatever it is. Whether it is changing a light bulb or something bigger like relationships. My momma also taught me that I am not spoiled, I am just accustomed to nice things. And I am truly fine with that.
So, today celebrate your mom- or this Sunday since it is Mother's day. I am thankful that I have a momma who encourages creativity, wants to protect me from the wrong of this world, and loves me- even when I mess up.
Happy Birthday Momma! I am so glad I am the only person in the world that can call you that! I hope your day is wonderful, you deserve it.
Watch this video. I cry every year, the words are so true.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tap90z44WR8arents
A mile in someone else's shoes
Today- is a funny day. I decided I would try and look presentable this week, since I have failed to do so for sometime now at work. I tried yesterday and it went over well, so I figured I would at least keep it up for the week. This means: actually fixing my hair, pretty makeup, and a cute outfit. The part about fixing my hair- man I love my locks- but getting up to fix it isn't a top priority of mine. Actually getting up and getting out of the bed takes more precedence. Not today though- or yesterday.
Today- I decided to wear my new gray fitted dress, straighten my hair, and highlight my eyes with my favorite color of blue. I did all of this. Then I found myself in my closet looking at all my shoes and deciding that I had little time to make a decision- so I put on my black flats and decided I looked too winterish for spring and then put on my favorite denim peep toe ballet stretch flats. Out the door I went and work greeted me at office 120W.
Around 10:15 I get a call from one of my best friends at work, who literally works down the hall from me, asking me if I had some flats she could borrow for jury duty. She failed to read the dress code memo and wore flip flops. She asked if I could go home and get her some of my shoes, the perk of having a friend wear your same size, and I told her I would. Then she told me she had to be back upstairs in the courthouse by 10:30- and I said- you know what, I will just bring you the shoes I am wearing now.
So, off I went in a hurried drive downtown. I hop the curb, put it in park and both of us are standing there barefoot taking the other's shoes. Quite a site I am sure.
I get back in the car and get back to work. With these new shoes on my feet. And I can already tell that even though we both wear a 9- Amy has either way more arch or way more flat footedness than me. The shoes fit, but there is something uncomfortable about this arch.
Funny- because that motto of walking in a person's shoes before you judge them come complete circle in my mind. Now, I haven't walked a mile. My feet are fine, these shoes aren't awful. But I am reminded of the times when I cast judgement or come to the table with my mind made up about how people are and never once do I give them the benefit of seeing them for what they truly are.
I judge. I am going to make a call that says maybe you do to. It is surely hard to not judge- to not be jealous- and to just love people for where they are. Throughout our days we let racist, sexist, and prejudice remarks not only come from our mouths, but fall deep in our ears. Never defending the weak. Never telling people it isn't ok to talk about someone you really don't know- or gasp, even the people that you do know.
I don't want to be that person. I truly want to make a difference in this world. I really want to make it better than what it is now. So as I sit in my office barefooted, not because of the shoes I traded for, but because it is my office and I hate wearing shoes inside-period, I ponder how you go about being a truly better person and not throwing stereotypes, preconceived notions, prejudices, and a better-than-you-attitude up in the air to fall like hail and hurt others. Maybe that should be my goal for May- to find out how to be a better person and meet people where they are- not where I want them to be.
Today- I decided to wear my new gray fitted dress, straighten my hair, and highlight my eyes with my favorite color of blue. I did all of this. Then I found myself in my closet looking at all my shoes and deciding that I had little time to make a decision- so I put on my black flats and decided I looked too winterish for spring and then put on my favorite denim peep toe ballet stretch flats. Out the door I went and work greeted me at office 120W.
Around 10:15 I get a call from one of my best friends at work, who literally works down the hall from me, asking me if I had some flats she could borrow for jury duty. She failed to read the dress code memo and wore flip flops. She asked if I could go home and get her some of my shoes, the perk of having a friend wear your same size, and I told her I would. Then she told me she had to be back upstairs in the courthouse by 10:30- and I said- you know what, I will just bring you the shoes I am wearing now.
So, off I went in a hurried drive downtown. I hop the curb, put it in park and both of us are standing there barefoot taking the other's shoes. Quite a site I am sure.
I get back in the car and get back to work. With these new shoes on my feet. And I can already tell that even though we both wear a 9- Amy has either way more arch or way more flat footedness than me. The shoes fit, but there is something uncomfortable about this arch.
Funny- because that motto of walking in a person's shoes before you judge them come complete circle in my mind. Now, I haven't walked a mile. My feet are fine, these shoes aren't awful. But I am reminded of the times when I cast judgement or come to the table with my mind made up about how people are and never once do I give them the benefit of seeing them for what they truly are.
I judge. I am going to make a call that says maybe you do to. It is surely hard to not judge- to not be jealous- and to just love people for where they are. Throughout our days we let racist, sexist, and prejudice remarks not only come from our mouths, but fall deep in our ears. Never defending the weak. Never telling people it isn't ok to talk about someone you really don't know- or gasp, even the people that you do know.
I don't want to be that person. I truly want to make a difference in this world. I really want to make it better than what it is now. So as I sit in my office barefooted, not because of the shoes I traded for, but because it is my office and I hate wearing shoes inside-period, I ponder how you go about being a truly better person and not throwing stereotypes, preconceived notions, prejudices, and a better-than-you-attitude up in the air to fall like hail and hurt others. Maybe that should be my goal for May- to find out how to be a better person and meet people where they are- not where I want them to be.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Pursuit of happiness
I didn't think it was that obvious. I thought I was dealing with hiding it well. Oh the contrary. Seems like the more I deny it, the more real it is. People are noticing, more people are talking. Don't think that for one second not talking about it makes it go away. It makes it all the more real- and all the more loud. Screaming in my ears and resounding off of my brain- to be replayed and replayed again and again like an ipod on repeat.
The things we think we know most about, are in turn, the things we know the least about. Ithas been is a difficult and dark time. It doesn't go away, it just becomes a part of who you are and you deal with it. So much has been put in my face this week. A lot of new and scary and a lot of same old story just a different day. It is hard to force a smile for other's happiness and achievements when I have to fake my own happiness.
Fake it til you make it. I learned that Freshman year and I couldn't tell you anything better to offer as advice. Fake it til you make it. Sounds dumb and lame- but in all honesty, it is the truest advice. Now, this doesn't cover all aspects of life- I know that full well. BUT it does cover the times when your get up and go is gone. It covers the times when people are heartless and vicious to you. It covers the times when you can't, but know you have to. It also covers the times when you want to give up and let go, even if you are the last one standing.
Fake it til you make it. Sometimes- it is ok to pretend to be ok when you are not. It is ok to make mistakes. It is even more ok to admit your faults and that you really did make those mistakes.
Even more so, I am learning that it is ok to not be alright all the time. It is ok to not have it all together. It is ok if you are dealing with things that no one else understands and to try and fix them the best way you know how. It is ok to not have the words to pray to God, but remind yourself of who God says he is- and you will be reminded that if he can hold the whole world in the palm of his hand- he must be bigger than all things put together.
One more thing, it is ok if you don't care about anyone but yourself for just a moment. For in that moment, you make the stark realization that if you matter to yourself, then your worth is far more that than of the most precious jewels of the world. You are the only one that can make the changes, if you notice that they need to be made. You are the only one who truly knows what it is you want most out of life. It is your pursuit of happiness- not anyone else's. And even when people, friends, loves, and life brings you down- you still have a choice in your course for the pursuit of happiness.
I don't know where you are today. I don't know what life is throwing at you at a speed of light, but I know that life is what you make it. Even if you have to fake it- you can still make it through today.
The things we think we know most about, are in turn, the things we know the least about. It
Fake it til you make it. I learned that Freshman year and I couldn't tell you anything better to offer as advice. Fake it til you make it. Sounds dumb and lame- but in all honesty, it is the truest advice. Now, this doesn't cover all aspects of life- I know that full well. BUT it does cover the times when your get up and go is gone. It covers the times when people are heartless and vicious to you. It covers the times when you can't, but know you have to. It also covers the times when you want to give up and let go, even if you are the last one standing.
Fake it til you make it. Sometimes- it is ok to pretend to be ok when you are not. It is ok to make mistakes. It is even more ok to admit your faults and that you really did make those mistakes.
Even more so, I am learning that it is ok to not be alright all the time. It is ok to not have it all together. It is ok if you are dealing with things that no one else understands and to try and fix them the best way you know how. It is ok to not have the words to pray to God, but remind yourself of who God says he is- and you will be reminded that if he can hold the whole world in the palm of his hand- he must be bigger than all things put together.
One more thing, it is ok if you don't care about anyone but yourself for just a moment. For in that moment, you make the stark realization that if you matter to yourself, then your worth is far more that than of the most precious jewels of the world. You are the only one that can make the changes, if you notice that they need to be made. You are the only one who truly knows what it is you want most out of life. It is your pursuit of happiness- not anyone else's. And even when people, friends, loves, and life brings you down- you still have a choice in your course for the pursuit of happiness.
I don't know where you are today. I don't know what life is throwing at you at a speed of light, but I know that life is what you make it. Even if you have to fake it- you can still make it through today.
Bucket List
Saturday I crossed off another Bucket List pin. The pin was to host a themed party. I helped some dear to my heart friends with their kid's birthday party. I was in charge of decorations and food. And I made the invitations. I think it all turned out well, it was nice to help with the party, even though:
1. NO one RSVP'd until the night before- 3 Friday night and 1 Saturday morning!!
2. No one RSVP'd, but showed up at 4:30 and the party didn't start til 5 (Really- you think this is ok?)
3. I didn't make enough cupcakes because we didn't know at all who was coming
4. I made the cupcakes and then put the teddy graham on it and they got soggy, so I had to redo them
5. I dropped 12 of the cupcakes and the bears all broke into pieces and my pool blue icing look like I had licked them before displaying them
6. Of the 5ish people that RSVP'd, 30 kids were there. Interesting math!
7. The lifeguard didnt get there til like 5 til 5 to open up the pool
8. The present I thought was cool wasn't exactly "make a good face" worthy to Nathan
Bucket list still needs some work, so hopefully I can get some of it done this week!
1. NO one RSVP'd until the night before- 3 Friday night and 1 Saturday morning!!
2. No one RSVP'd, but showed up at 4:30 and the party didn't start til 5 (Really- you think this is ok?)
3. I didn't make enough cupcakes because we didn't know at all who was coming
4. I made the cupcakes and then put the teddy graham on it and they got soggy, so I had to redo them
5. I dropped 12 of the cupcakes and the bears all broke into pieces and my pool blue icing look like I had licked them before displaying them
6. Of the 5ish people that RSVP'd, 30 kids were there. Interesting math!
7. The lifeguard didnt get there til like 5 til 5 to open up the pool
8. The present I thought was cool wasn't exactly "make a good face" worthy to Nathan
I could go on and on about all the mess ups, but it was a good party. Pool parties are the way to go. My snacks and cupcakes got gobbled up. One kid, when going back for his second, said, these are the best cupcakes I have ever had. So, he made my heart smile a little- even if my bears looked like they were drowing instead of floating. Another cute kid from church had 3- so my secret ingredient did work. I found an awesome shark online and this was the highlight of the party- even if I didn't make it completely- it was still my suggestion- and that counts in my book. And I fixed him up for the party. And I did do the fin and the eyes and helped with the teeth! ;) But Compliments to Mr. Brett who did most of the work. The shark saved the day!
Bucket list still needs some work, so hopefully I can get some of it done this week!
Monday, May 7, 2012
A Little more hurt- A lot less me
Whirlwind. That is how I feel right now. Like so much is going on, but truth be told, nothing is happening.
I decided I needed a break. A mental health break from everything. So- Thursday I took myself to Chickfila in my pjs to get free dinner, took myself to the movies at 11:30 (thanks for the free ticket Campbell), bought peanut butter m&ms, and watched The Avengers with a friend. Then Friday- I got up- drove to Macon, and spent some time and money on myself. New clothes always make me feel good, even if my wallet has to suffer. I got a free robe and some free perfume, so that helped too. And I fit in a size 0. Did you see that? No 1's in front of the zero. No other digits besides it. Just a simple oval. That helped a bit too. (Although, I didn't buy it, because it wasn't as good of a sale as I needed).
I made an awesome PBB&J (pnut butter, banana, jelly) sandwich when I got home. Spent a few minutes with my little black girl.
THEN. I switched my day off focus of me- to someone else. I don't know why I keep doing this- it only makes things worse. Let me include someone else. Let me do this with that person. Let me go invite this person. Urgh.
So the whole point of Friday was to make me feel better about myself- and then I go and mess it up worrying about other people. People that don't worry about me, but only need me in their life when it is uber convenient to them.
Why do I keep doing this? Why can't I just let go of some people and some things in my life that only seem to be creating more harm?
Why do I have this plan of how thingsshould be how I want them to be, only to be disappointed and let down one more time after the other? If the secret to life is being happy- man oh man- I have messed this up yet again. I can't be happy because I worry about things and people that don't reciprocate those feelings. It is hard to truly be disconnected from people that you once thought so highly of and cared so much for. I don't know why I can't just get on with my life, but I can't.
The crying comes in bits and pieces now. Not as intense of an ugly cry face, but just as heartbreaking on the inside. It won't end. It won't ever go away.
A dear friend told me the other night as I was pouring out my broken heart to him that just because I am not having problems like other people doesn't mean that it isn't important. It is important if I am going through it. He told me that every person's problems are all different from each other's and they matter regardless of if they are big or small, they still matter. I shouldn't compare my situation to other's and negate what I am going though, because it is what I am going through at this time in my life.
I don't know who I am anymore. I hear what other's say about me and I wonder if that is who I really am- a horrible person who only messes up things and relationships, dramatic, helpless, hopeless and not worth it. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know if I ever did. All I know is all of this is stripping away my identity. I am not who I was- I am not who I wanted to be. I don't know how to find her. I amat a fork in the road. in the middle of Spaghetti Junction in the middle of the highway with everything coming at me and no one riding in the HOV to take off some of the stress.
I decided I needed a break. A mental health break from everything. So- Thursday I took myself to Chickfila in my pjs to get free dinner, took myself to the movies at 11:30 (thanks for the free ticket Campbell), bought peanut butter m&ms, and watched The Avengers with a friend. Then Friday- I got up- drove to Macon, and spent some time and money on myself. New clothes always make me feel good, even if my wallet has to suffer. I got a free robe and some free perfume, so that helped too. And I fit in a size 0. Did you see that? No 1's in front of the zero. No other digits besides it. Just a simple oval. That helped a bit too. (Although, I didn't buy it, because it wasn't as good of a sale as I needed).
I made an awesome PBB&J (pnut butter, banana, jelly) sandwich when I got home. Spent a few minutes with my little black girl.
THEN. I switched my day off focus of me- to someone else. I don't know why I keep doing this- it only makes things worse. Let me include someone else. Let me do this with that person. Let me go invite this person. Urgh.
So the whole point of Friday was to make me feel better about myself- and then I go and mess it up worrying about other people. People that don't worry about me, but only need me in their life when it is uber convenient to them.
Why do I keep doing this? Why can't I just let go of some people and some things in my life that only seem to be creating more harm?
Why do I have this plan of how things
The crying comes in bits and pieces now. Not as intense of an ugly cry face, but just as heartbreaking on the inside. It won't end. It won't ever go away.
A dear friend told me the other night as I was pouring out my broken heart to him that just because I am not having problems like other people doesn't mean that it isn't important. It is important if I am going through it. He told me that every person's problems are all different from each other's and they matter regardless of if they are big or small, they still matter. I shouldn't compare my situation to other's and negate what I am going though, because it is what I am going through at this time in my life.
I don't know who I am anymore. I hear what other's say about me and I wonder if that is who I really am- a horrible person who only messes up things and relationships, dramatic, helpless, hopeless and not worth it. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know if I ever did. All I know is all of this is stripping away my identity. I am not who I was- I am not who I wanted to be. I don't know how to find her. I am
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Heavy Heart
3 posts in one day- I know. I swear I save it all up and then release the Kracken- but I just felt this needed to be shared.
I just sat at my desk, with my head bowed and my eyes streaming with tears. I read a lot of other blogs- and I just had to post to you some specific prayer requests. One other person's blog talked about storming the throne to plead prayers for a family. That made me have a real vision of that that really looks like when people pray. Hundreds, if not thousands of people on their knees- or in their desk chairs- or in the car- praying for God's mercy to be shown.
There are a lot of people going through a lot of hard things right now, and it makes my little misery seem like a tack when compared to these huge needles sucking the life out of my friends- and some people I don't even know.
I ask you to pray specifically for these people and the hurts in their lives. Storm the throne- not to overtake it, but to overwhelm it with God's people calling out for Him and his direction and grace.
1. A sweet friend of mine from Grad School and her husband is my coworker have a 2 year old recently (2 days ago) diagnosed with lukemia. They get the results back of what kind of lukemia it is today. Pray for God to be in control- even when this family feels like they are in a bad place. Pray that it can be treated and this sweet baby will be able to continue life.
2. A cute little special needs 2 year old child had some surgery Monday. She came through well, but is still at the hospital. Pray for this family- I have never met them, I just follow blogs of a person I do know linked to them. There are 4 other kids and I am sure this is just really a hard time for this family.
3. Pray against the lies Satan tells us. Too many times we believe them and start living them. I pray this for you- that where ever you are today, that you will not give in. I have given in too many times this year- and he shouldn't be getting that glory. Pray for resolution with Christ- and that you choose to be different today.
4. Pray for the ability to let go and let God. I struggle with this- and there are some major things I need to let go of. I don't know how. I don't want to let them go. I just know that it is only hurting me to hold on to them. Pray I find the way to do this.
Know that I am praying for you if you read this. I don't often do well with my words in print or spoken, but I do know that my heart is most content when I am praying to my Creator. I pray for your peace, your sanctification, and your realization that even when we mess up our human words, God is still there to intervene and speak spritual words over us, in us, and through us.
I just sat at my desk, with my head bowed and my eyes streaming with tears. I read a lot of other blogs- and I just had to post to you some specific prayer requests. One other person's blog talked about storming the throne to plead prayers for a family. That made me have a real vision of that that really looks like when people pray. Hundreds, if not thousands of people on their knees- or in their desk chairs- or in the car- praying for God's mercy to be shown.
There are a lot of people going through a lot of hard things right now, and it makes my little misery seem like a tack when compared to these huge needles sucking the life out of my friends- and some people I don't even know.
I ask you to pray specifically for these people and the hurts in their lives. Storm the throne- not to overtake it, but to overwhelm it with God's people calling out for Him and his direction and grace.
1. A sweet friend of mine from Grad School and her husband is my coworker have a 2 year old recently (2 days ago) diagnosed with lukemia. They get the results back of what kind of lukemia it is today. Pray for God to be in control- even when this family feels like they are in a bad place. Pray that it can be treated and this sweet baby will be able to continue life.
2. A cute little special needs 2 year old child had some surgery Monday. She came through well, but is still at the hospital. Pray for this family- I have never met them, I just follow blogs of a person I do know linked to them. There are 4 other kids and I am sure this is just really a hard time for this family.
3. Pray against the lies Satan tells us. Too many times we believe them and start living them. I pray this for you- that where ever you are today, that you will not give in. I have given in too many times this year- and he shouldn't be getting that glory. Pray for resolution with Christ- and that you choose to be different today.
4. Pray for the ability to let go and let God. I struggle with this- and there are some major things I need to let go of. I don't know how. I don't want to let them go. I just know that it is only hurting me to hold on to them. Pray I find the way to do this.
Know that I am praying for you if you read this. I don't often do well with my words in print or spoken, but I do know that my heart is most content when I am praying to my Creator. I pray for your peace, your sanctification, and your realization that even when we mess up our human words, God is still there to intervene and speak spritual words over us, in us, and through us.
Trust. What does that even mean?
Trust.
This is something I am having major issues with right now. "Trust that God has plans for you." "Trust God and know that he is working in your life for the good." "Trust God to reveal his will to you." "Trust me, you have nothing to worry about with these tickets." "You can trust me, I promise."
Some of those are lies I have recently been told by people (tickets, trusting others).I hear all of that (about God) from people- but I don't know if I even know what that means. Or if I am capable of putting it into action.
I would like to think I am a very trusting person- but I guess I don't know. Maybe I am too trusting. Maybe I don't trust at all. I am not sure what the issue is- but something is there.
It is hard to know that you completely put your trust in people you care about- only to be extremely hurt by their actions or words. It is hard to even allow people to be trusted, especially if you have been wronged in the past over this issue. (For the record, I am preaching to the choir. I know the things I have done have caused people who once trusted me to not trust me at all anymore. I get that.)
Do you ever get tired or praying? I am not trying to sound like a bad Christian- because I love praying- but do you ever get burnt out with it- not just because you aren't getting the results YOU may want- but because you aren't getting any results at all. For the good or the worse. I feel like I keep praying the same prayers- specific prayers asking for intervention from God- for direction and clarity- only to hear nothing back in return. I sometimes feel like God has to get tired of hearing me say the same things over and over and over again. Maybe he doesn't. I don't know. Trust. It is so hard for me to do.
"BUT you gotta trust, you gotta believe, you gotta know that God DOES have a perfect plan for you and His will will be done." That was sent via text to me in the early hours of this morning. I want to, I really do want to believe this, it is just really hard with these series of unfortunate events surrounding my life. I know we live by faith and not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7. I know that is the whole premise of Christianity. I know that- but I don't know if I truly know it. If I live it out.
Sometimes I just feel like it would be so worth my time to throw in the towel and say I'm out. Sometimes I honestly do want to give up. On everything. Life, finances, people, relationships, health and exercise, responsibilities, everything- and I mean everything.
But. There is something inside of me that says to keep going- even when I don't feel like it. I have so much to figure out in this life it is overwhelming to just consider all of it. Even when I lose all of my hope- and all of my dreams come crashing down- and when the world spins out of control into a crazy chaotic ball of fury- I am reminded that if I don't have faith, I have nothing. So, if you read this- pray for my trust in God to be reaffirmed. Pray that I find myself- and become the person God wants me to be. Pray that I don't give up- even when that seems like my only and best option. Pray I can be a better person to people and be used for the good. Pray that I truly can say I live by faith- and hold not confidence in the things that I can only see or hold in my hands. Pray that I come full circle in this trust thing.
This is something I am having major issues with right now. "Trust that God has plans for you." "Trust God and know that he is working in your life for the good." "Trust God to reveal his will to you." "Trust me, you have nothing to worry about with these tickets." "You can trust me, I promise."
Some of those are lies I have recently been told by people (tickets, trusting others).I hear all of that (about God) from people- but I don't know if I even know what that means. Or if I am capable of putting it into action.
I would like to think I am a very trusting person- but I guess I don't know. Maybe I am too trusting. Maybe I don't trust at all. I am not sure what the issue is- but something is there.
It is hard to know that you completely put your trust in people you care about- only to be extremely hurt by their actions or words. It is hard to even allow people to be trusted, especially if you have been wronged in the past over this issue. (For the record, I am preaching to the choir. I know the things I have done have caused people who once trusted me to not trust me at all anymore. I get that.)
Do you ever get tired or praying? I am not trying to sound like a bad Christian- because I love praying- but do you ever get burnt out with it- not just because you aren't getting the results YOU may want- but because you aren't getting any results at all. For the good or the worse. I feel like I keep praying the same prayers- specific prayers asking for intervention from God- for direction and clarity- only to hear nothing back in return. I sometimes feel like God has to get tired of hearing me say the same things over and over and over again. Maybe he doesn't. I don't know. Trust. It is so hard for me to do.
"BUT you gotta trust, you gotta believe, you gotta know that God DOES have a perfect plan for you and His will will be done." That was sent via text to me in the early hours of this morning. I want to, I really do want to believe this, it is just really hard with these series of unfortunate events surrounding my life. I know we live by faith and not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7. I know that is the whole premise of Christianity. I know that- but I don't know if I truly know it. If I live it out.
Sometimes I just feel like it would be so worth my time to throw in the towel and say I'm out. Sometimes I honestly do want to give up. On everything. Life, finances, people, relationships, health and exercise, responsibilities, everything- and I mean everything.
But. There is something inside of me that says to keep going- even when I don't feel like it. I have so much to figure out in this life it is overwhelming to just consider all of it. Even when I lose all of my hope- and all of my dreams come crashing down- and when the world spins out of control into a crazy chaotic ball of fury- I am reminded that if I don't have faith, I have nothing. So, if you read this- pray for my trust in God to be reaffirmed. Pray that I find myself- and become the person God wants me to be. Pray that I don't give up- even when that seems like my only and best option. Pray I can be a better person to people and be used for the good. Pray that I truly can say I live by faith- and hold not confidence in the things that I can only see or hold in my hands. Pray that I come full circle in this trust thing.
The Letdown
It is 1:15 am as I start to write this. Just another day in paradise. Right. If your idea of paradise consists of mess ups, bad choices of words, about 1000 tears, and a broken heart.
I have so much on my mind right now, so I want to say I am sorry if none of this makes sense. As I sit here and think about the words that were once thoughts that are written here, there isn't much to really be proud of. A lot of crying, a lot of complaining, and a lot of wrong doings.
Not sure why you keep reading this thing, there isn't much of anything going on. I can't explain the emotions that I have going on right now. I would like to, but I can't find the words. Well, really I can, I just don't want to get anything started by saying them. The Quiet Rachel. The Quiet. Find yourself in the Quiet and this too shall pass.
As I struggle with my life and where it is now- here are some of the questions that no one can give me answers to:
Propensity and Proclivity- what in the world do these words even mean and why is my brain fixated on them? I don't even think I have ever heard them spoken in a sentence, but they are driving me NUTS. Propensity- a natural inclination or tendency. Proclivity- natural or habitual inclination or tendency. Well now I know. Lately I guess you could say I have shown great propensity towards being in the dumps. It just comes natural now.
How do you make marriage work- when it is a chore to get up and know that you are still living under the same roof with a person you are disconnected from?
Why is it ok to have double standards? Or better yet, ok for some people to do WHATEVER THEY WANT, but come time when you do the same thing, they get mad and go nuts.Really. I don't get this one. How is what's right for you not right for me as well?
(So I feel asleep on the couch and woke up up 3:30- now I will finish @930)
Why do people not care? Wait- pretend to care under false pretenses and then when (insert your own word ) hits the fan, they are no where to be found?
Why is it that when you say something is true it hurts? Hurts to say it, hurts to hear it, hurts to know it, hurts to have to deal with it?
Why is it that you try super hard to be really good at things- and only come to find out you were in fact AWFUL at it? Made others miserable- even though you thought you were doing right.
Why is it that nothing ever seems to fall in place? No wait. It falls. When it rains it pours. Just not in place for me.
Why are the finer things in life so much more attractive- why can't I just be content with what I have been given?
Why are people fake? Pretend to be one way, but then change it up around- or not around should I say- other people?
I don't have any of these answers, well maybe the definition of words one- but it just isn't setting well with me. I don't know if you have the answers either. I would be foolish to not say God does. He has the ultimate answers- I know this. Sometimes I just wish he would send them down like parachutes from the Hunger Games. It would make things so much more manageable and obvious. But, I am reminded of Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge (submit) to him and he will direct your path (make your paths straight).
Contemporary English Version says it best:With all your heart you must trust the Lord and not your own judgment.Always let him lead you,and he will clear the road for you to follow.
I hope I can make this verse real.
I have so much on my mind right now, so I want to say I am sorry if none of this makes sense. As I sit here and think about the words that were once thoughts that are written here, there isn't much to really be proud of. A lot of crying, a lot of complaining, and a lot of wrong doings.
Not sure why you keep reading this thing, there isn't much of anything going on. I can't explain the emotions that I have going on right now. I would like to, but I can't find the words. Well, really I can, I just don't want to get anything started by saying them. The Quiet Rachel. The Quiet. Find yourself in the Quiet and this too shall pass.
As I struggle with my life and where it is now- here are some of the questions that no one can give me answers to:
Propensity and Proclivity- what in the world do these words even mean and why is my brain fixated on them? I don't even think I have ever heard them spoken in a sentence, but they are driving me NUTS. Propensity- a natural inclination or tendency. Proclivity- natural or habitual inclination or tendency. Well now I know. Lately I guess you could say I have shown great propensity towards being in the dumps. It just comes natural now.
How do you make marriage work- when it is a chore to get up and know that you are still living under the same roof with a person you are disconnected from?
Why is it ok to have double standards? Or better yet, ok for some people to do WHATEVER THEY WANT, but come time when you do the same thing, they get mad and go nuts.Really. I don't get this one. How is what's right for you not right for me as well?
(So I feel asleep on the couch and woke up up 3:30- now I will finish @930)
Why do people not care? Wait- pretend to care under false pretenses and then when (insert your own word ) hits the fan, they are no where to be found?
Why is it that when you say something is true it hurts? Hurts to say it, hurts to hear it, hurts to know it, hurts to have to deal with it?
Why is it that you try super hard to be really good at things- and only come to find out you were in fact AWFUL at it? Made others miserable- even though you thought you were doing right.
Why is it that nothing ever seems to fall in place? No wait. It falls. When it rains it pours. Just not in place for me.
Why are the finer things in life so much more attractive- why can't I just be content with what I have been given?
Why are people fake? Pretend to be one way, but then change it up around- or not around should I say- other people?
I don't have any of these answers, well maybe the definition of words one- but it just isn't setting well with me. I don't know if you have the answers either. I would be foolish to not say God does. He has the ultimate answers- I know this. Sometimes I just wish he would send them down like parachutes from the Hunger Games. It would make things so much more manageable and obvious. But, I am reminded of Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge (submit) to him and he will direct your path (make your paths straight).
Contemporary English Version says it best:With all your heart you must trust the Lord and not your own judgment.Always let him lead you,and he will clear the road for you to follow.
I hope I can make this verse real.
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