I have been playing my own hunger games for the past 2.5 months. Eat. Don't Eat. Eat. Hate eating- the list goes on. Recently, by encouragement from all of my friends, I read The Hunger Games. I read it in roughly 2 days. Nights. Late nights. And the story is a captivating get-you-on-the-edge-of-your-seat kind of book. I am not a reader, but I really enjoyed this. I hope to start the second book soon- and finish the 3rd on the cruise! Well start and finish both of them on the cruise.
Anyway- last night was the midnight premiere! Let me set the stage:
I went for a run with Mowgli after work, then came home to a phone call from a friend about a flyer she wanted to have to show at her Women's meeting. I said I would bring it- but I wasn't prepared for what happened next. I get in my car and it says I can go 2 miles. Two. When I left work it was 19. Somehow, the gas thief came by and syphoned out some gas in a one hour period. So, I called Amanda to tell her I was going to get gas then deliver the paper. As I am desperately praying to God to get to to the gas station and in a sheer panic- I realize I left my pocketbook at home. So- I panic and almost pop a wheelie spinning out so fast from the BP. I call my neighbor and ask for his gas can- go get it from his back porch, then drive to the gas station again, this time about to cry because I know I was just given a provision from God to get me to the store- then I go and mess it up from leaving my money at home! So- I finally make it to the store and get some gas. That 2 mile point never changed. I am so thankful for tiny blessings that God pours out- even when I am stupid and wait to get gas and more stupid to leave my money at home.
I had Kelli and Manda come over for some wii and dinner. We played wii for a lil while, watched the season finale of Project Runway and ate a vegan dinner. Kelli and Manda didn't know they weren't eating meat until I begged them to tell me if they were telling me a lie when they said it was good. They thought it was meat, so I guess that means it passed the test! We had meatless "beef" tip stir fry, 2 "chicken" tenders, wild rice, baked breaded okra, and wheat bread. I was nice and added some "I can't believe it's not butter to their slices, but not mine ;). Kelli tried a smoothie round and liked it and Manda had a mini ice cream sandwich. I think they liked eating vegan!
Anyway- moving on to the movie! Kelli made us leave at 1030. Good call on her part. It was slowly filling in when we got there. So we sat there for what seemed like forever- and then the movie started.
Here is my review: the camera person needs to learn to not move the camera so fast- I felt like I was watching all over the place. The movie left out CRITICAL pieces of the book- and changed a major ending point. There was no time get invested in people because it was so quickly moving. The way they presented the characters is not how they were presented in the book. It wasn't the blood bath I was expecting. At all. And maybe that is why it was so clinching in the book- you had to read to see how this person faired from the fighting. The Capital lived up to what I imagined it would be. I had one tiny problem though. The tributes from District 11 were black. This district is known for agriculture. The kids names were Thresh and Rue. Thresh- Im pretty sure he didnt need to be black- because I got a terrible "slavery" feeling about that. Maybe I am reading too much into it. But Thresh was HUMONGOUS in the book. This kid wasn't that big. It just didnt sit well the character choice for me. Also- all the kids were clean. Um- they were in the arena for over 2 weeks and had dewey fresh skin- with no dirt. Really? Because in the book- the towns where most of them came from were extremely poor and they were dirty. And they were in the wilderness- but not dirty. So my end review: it wasn't worth the $13.25 I spent to see it.
Hope you read the books! The imagination is much more stronger than anything that is created.
My real life. Sometimes I say what I feel, sometimes I don't know what to say.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Preparation
Hm.. I would like to say I am prepared most of the time. I started packing last night for my upcoming trip which is Sunday- and realized I needed a few things before I could zip it shut. I've gotten 2 new swim suits, 2 new pair of shades, and some cute tops but still need some new sun dresses, some new tanks, and some cute shoes. Need want yeah yeah.
And spent $70 on some spa prep and I'm getting a pedicure tomorrow. Yes, this is real prep, because I have to look good friends. It is just part of the package- and the price has since gone up a few $$$ since the last time I prepped! But, I won't complain. That $$ is WELL worth what I had done!
Preparation. I gave Chris "the blue book" last night and had already written out the next week's College Class lesson so he didn't have to scramble for one. The blue book is my church book. Everythingyou I need to know is in there. It is how I function with my class, WMU, and prayer needs. Whoops. I totally just realized that my prayers are in that book. Read them if you want, your name is mentioned quite a lot, probably you can't read it because of a tear stain.
Preparation. I read The Hunger Games in 2 days this week to prepare for the movie. My Fandango ticket was purchased last night. Tonight I will be up til 3 am- don't mind if I do have to be at work at 8.
Preparation. Last night I made tofu tacos and it only took 10 minutes. I like that kind of preparation. Vegan week is rolling on. I can only eat so much peanut butter though. I have learned that I have been eating more than my "new" normal, and it is showing. I have gained back some weight and just want to scream because I didn't want this to happen. Next week this time I will be in a bikini. Yuck. I have some serious preparation to do between now and then.
I have also been asked to be photographed for a makeup artist in the ATL- can we say body prep together? Yuck again. I hate everything about me right now. My stomach was well on its way to being awesome and my whole body looked better, but now I am stuck in an "Ihateeverythingaboutme" mode.
I was going to tan (spray) today- but that will have to wait until tomorrow because I have to kill it in my workout tonight since Wednesdays are my light days. Just a walk with Mowgli for 35 minutes and then some abs and core work. Today though- will be my trip preparation.
Planners tend to be prepared, but what I have learned lately is that you can never prepare to the full extent. Something is always going to throw a wrench in there. Something is going to turn out differently. Something will fall apart. Something will come together in a least expected way. So, as Iwrite type these words coming from my head, I am reminded of the things that I don't prepare for, but I should without a shadow of doubt.
I haven't been preparing my days with prayer and communion with the Lord. I haven't been preparing myself for the divine appointments that I know God has set in place. I haven't prepared my heart to be filled with compassion to "the least of these" as I spoke about that in class last night. I haven't prepared my future by laying my requests at the feet of God and asking for his direction. I honestly haven't prepared anything, but my menial and trivial wants and selfishness.
Have you been preparing for things of you and not eternal things? I am reminded of a woman from the Bible who thought preparation was where her mindset should be.
Luke 10:38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
Yup- I am totally Martha. In a "brady bunch voice- Martha Martha Martha". The Lord said few things are needed, no wait just one. And hey, oh yeah I am it! As you make preparations this week, remind yourself to make eternal preparations while you have the opportunity.
And spent $70 on some spa prep and I'm getting a pedicure tomorrow. Yes, this is real prep, because I have to look good friends. It is just part of the package- and the price has since gone up a few $$$ since the last time I prepped! But, I won't complain. That $$ is WELL worth what I had done!
Preparation. I gave Chris "the blue book" last night and had already written out the next week's College Class lesson so he didn't have to scramble for one. The blue book is my church book. Everything
Preparation. I read The Hunger Games in 2 days this week to prepare for the movie. My Fandango ticket was purchased last night. Tonight I will be up til 3 am- don't mind if I do have to be at work at 8.
Preparation. Last night I made tofu tacos and it only took 10 minutes. I like that kind of preparation. Vegan week is rolling on. I can only eat so much peanut butter though. I have learned that I have been eating more than my "new" normal, and it is showing. I have gained back some weight and just want to scream because I didn't want this to happen. Next week this time I will be in a bikini. Yuck. I have some serious preparation to do between now and then.
I have also been asked to be photographed for a makeup artist in the ATL- can we say body prep together? Yuck again. I hate everything about me right now. My stomach was well on its way to being awesome and my whole body looked better, but now I am stuck in an "Ihateeverythingaboutme" mode.
I was going to tan (spray) today- but that will have to wait until tomorrow because I have to kill it in my workout tonight since Wednesdays are my light days. Just a walk with Mowgli for 35 minutes and then some abs and core work. Today though- will be my trip preparation.
Planners tend to be prepared, but what I have learned lately is that you can never prepare to the full extent. Something is always going to throw a wrench in there. Something is going to turn out differently. Something will fall apart. Something will come together in a least expected way. So, as I
I haven't been preparing my days with prayer and communion with the Lord. I haven't been preparing myself for the divine appointments that I know God has set in place. I haven't prepared my heart to be filled with compassion to "the least of these" as I spoke about that in class last night. I haven't prepared my future by laying my requests at the feet of God and asking for his direction. I honestly haven't prepared anything, but my menial and trivial wants and selfishness.
Have you been preparing for things of you and not eternal things? I am reminded of a woman from the Bible who thought preparation was where her mindset should be.
Luke 10:38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
Yup- I am totally Martha. In a "brady bunch voice- Martha Martha Martha". The Lord said few things are needed, no wait just one. And hey, oh yeah I am it! As you make preparations this week, remind yourself to make eternal preparations while you have the opportunity.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
"Let Her Cry"
Are you a Hootie and the Blowfish fan? I certainly am. My parents loved them when I was growing up, so I know all the words. Their song "Let Her Cry" is a song about a girl who chooses drugs and completely changes in a relationship and how the guy responds to her and how he has to leave.
The chorus goes:
Let her cry, if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing, if it eases all her pain
Let her go,let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be, let her be.
Not that I can relate to the drug part, but the part about crying- oh yeah I understand that fully. I have some amazing friends who have helped me through this crappy time in my life. Friends who have let me cry it out on their shoulders, run over to their houses because they understand what it is like to feel this way, and friends who have never told me once to stop crying.
These have been my truest of friends. Never once telling me to "get over it" or "you should be done crying"; if anything, they have cared enough about me to encourage my crying and to cry as much as I want.
One person, who has tried to be in my business when it is of no place of their business told me in these words exactly "Eventually you'll realize that there's nothing worth crying over. You'll be fine"... next message "its not like I'm trying to be doctor Phil. I'm just saying "get over it, it was a break up, you weren't married, so you should be over this in about a month" in a nice way. Does that clear it up?"
Do you know how those words stung? Can you imagine the feelings of anger and hostility that engulfed my being when I read that? If that was the nice way- my gosh, I would hate to know how you really felt. Don't ever say those words- to anyone, but especially a GIRL. Nothing worth crying over? A month to get over? I'm sorry- we dated for over a year, it isn't something you just let go of in a month. Girl's hearts were created to love, and that process doesn't just vaporize once the relationship ends.
This person has made me so angry- yet I have to remind my friends who have said "cry as much as you need" and "it is ok to cry Rachel, that means you cared". Don't ever take that healing process away from someone- if they are crying. It isn't your battle. It has nothing to do with you thinking crying is ludacrious. Like Hootie said, "let her cry, ...let her be".
People have to deal with things how they choose. They need to find healing and cleansing through those tears. I know I am not going to be this way forever, gosh I so hope that, but I know that I truly loved someone, gave them my heart and invested more than just a month's worth of feeling into them. I know that this is going to affect me for the rest of my life and I know that if I want to break down and cry- it is ok to do that. It is part of me dealing with it.
So, this note is a thank you to the people who have never once tried to suffocate my feelings or be mean to me because I have been a basket case. I appreciate your true friendship- and the ability to be able to cry in front of you and you not judge me. Thank you for loving me.
The chorus goes:
Let her cry, if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing, if it eases all her pain
Let her go,let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be, let her be.
Not that I can relate to the drug part, but the part about crying- oh yeah I understand that fully. I have some amazing friends who have helped me through this crappy time in my life. Friends who have let me cry it out on their shoulders, run over to their houses because they understand what it is like to feel this way, and friends who have never told me once to stop crying.
These have been my truest of friends. Never once telling me to "get over it" or "you should be done crying"; if anything, they have cared enough about me to encourage my crying and to cry as much as I want.
One person, who has tried to be in my business when it is of no place of their business told me in these words exactly "Eventually you'll realize that there's nothing worth crying over. You'll be fine"... next message "its not like I'm trying to be doctor Phil. I'm just saying "get over it, it was a break up, you weren't married, so you should be over this in about a month" in a nice way. Does that clear it up?"
Do you know how those words stung? Can you imagine the feelings of anger and hostility that engulfed my being when I read that? If that was the nice way- my gosh, I would hate to know how you really felt. Don't ever say those words- to anyone, but especially a GIRL. Nothing worth crying over? A month to get over? I'm sorry- we dated for over a year, it isn't something you just let go of in a month. Girl's hearts were created to love, and that process doesn't just vaporize once the relationship ends.
This person has made me so angry- yet I have to remind my friends who have said "cry as much as you need" and "it is ok to cry Rachel, that means you cared". Don't ever take that healing process away from someone- if they are crying. It isn't your battle. It has nothing to do with you thinking crying is ludacrious. Like Hootie said, "let her cry, ...let her be".
People have to deal with things how they choose. They need to find healing and cleansing through those tears. I know I am not going to be this way forever, gosh I so hope that, but I know that I truly loved someone, gave them my heart and invested more than just a month's worth of feeling into them. I know that this is going to affect me for the rest of my life and I know that if I want to break down and cry- it is ok to do that. It is part of me dealing with it.
So, this note is a thank you to the people who have never once tried to suffocate my feelings or be mean to me because I have been a basket case. I appreciate your true friendship- and the ability to be able to cry in front of you and you not judge me. Thank you for loving me.
Bucket List #3
Eat Vegan for a week. As trivial as it seems, I wanted to do this. I knew I was going to do it this very week- the week before my impending time away on a ship. I wanted to be frugal with food, lose some extra weight, and honestly look hot in a bikini. So, as vain as that sounds- I started on Monday.
I have come to just realize a lot just in 2.5 days. Our dependency on animals is much more than it needs to be. I thought I would struggle greatly with not having dairy- but thanks to Almond Milk- I'm fine. If you know me, you know I am not much of a meat eater anyway. I don't mind cooking it or eating it, but I get so bored with it and sometimes just want nothing to do with it. So I knew that part would be easy.
Here has been my menu up until now:
M-b:mixed fruit; snack: nuts; l:chickpeas, cucumber slices, cherry tomatoes, and a green apple; d: leftover whole wheat penne w/ tomato sauce, diced tomatoes, spinach; snack: chocolate almond milk
T-b: Puffins pnut butter cereal (vegan cereal that is awesome) w almond milk (vanilla); l: kidsize oatmeal raisin bar, 2 scoops of pnut butter; snack: corn tortilla chips; d: 7-grain meatless "chicken" strips, mixed vegetables sauted in italian dressing, and baked fries; snack: Berry Rounds (like a fruit popsicle, but no stick)
Tuesdays dinner was so good. I think I will buy this product again for sure! You should try it: Gardein makes it and it is in the frozen foods aisle at Kroger.
If you want to try eating Vegan, I highly encourage it. I read a book this summer called Animal, Vegetable, Miracle- I strongly encourage you to read it as well. It will change the way you view food. I didn't eat a banana from August until last week (only because I had no other options at my parents) because of reading this book. Read it.
Here is the recipe for the Berry Rounds (trust me, you will love it!)
1 can of pineapples w/juice (mine was the rings, so it had 4 in it, soaked in its own juice)
4 strawberries (large)
7-8 blackberries
1/2 box Coconut Vita water (comes in a small juice sized-box in multiple flavors, I used coconut with pineapple)
A splash of Almond Milk- vanilla
Puree all of the ingredients together but the Almond Milk. My blender has a smoothie setting, so that is what I used. After I blended all of this, then I put the almond milk in, just enough to make the liquid contents rise up an inch- so 1/4 of a cup I guesstimate.
I poured the liquid into a 6-muffin pan. (Spray the pan before, because I didn't, but the eventually come out when you run the bottom of the pan under warm water). Stick in the freezer. I froze mine for 3+ hours and then removed then from the pan and put the individual servings in a tupperware container in the freezer.
I took one and semi mashed it up in a cup- not so much like a slushy because it wasn't liquid, but like Italian Ice. It was awesome!
Next time I make them, I am going to add a few teaspoons of protein powder. This would be a great recovery snack from a workout!
Hope you enjoy- tell me how you like it!
I have come to just realize a lot just in 2.5 days. Our dependency on animals is much more than it needs to be. I thought I would struggle greatly with not having dairy- but thanks to Almond Milk- I'm fine. If you know me, you know I am not much of a meat eater anyway. I don't mind cooking it or eating it, but I get so bored with it and sometimes just want nothing to do with it. So I knew that part would be easy.
Here has been my menu up until now:
M-b:mixed fruit; snack: nuts; l:chickpeas, cucumber slices, cherry tomatoes, and a green apple; d: leftover whole wheat penne w/ tomato sauce, diced tomatoes, spinach; snack: chocolate almond milk
T-b: Puffins pnut butter cereal (vegan cereal that is awesome) w almond milk (vanilla); l: kidsize oatmeal raisin bar, 2 scoops of pnut butter; snack: corn tortilla chips; d: 7-grain meatless "chicken" strips, mixed vegetables sauted in italian dressing, and baked fries; snack: Berry Rounds (like a fruit popsicle, but no stick)
Tuesdays dinner was so good. I think I will buy this product again for sure! You should try it: Gardein makes it and it is in the frozen foods aisle at Kroger.
If you want to try eating Vegan, I highly encourage it. I read a book this summer called Animal, Vegetable, Miracle- I strongly encourage you to read it as well. It will change the way you view food. I didn't eat a banana from August until last week (only because I had no other options at my parents) because of reading this book. Read it.
Here is the recipe for the Berry Rounds (trust me, you will love it!)
1 can of pineapples w/juice (mine was the rings, so it had 4 in it, soaked in its own juice)
4 strawberries (large)
7-8 blackberries
1/2 box Coconut Vita water (comes in a small juice sized-box in multiple flavors, I used coconut with pineapple)
A splash of Almond Milk- vanilla
Puree all of the ingredients together but the Almond Milk. My blender has a smoothie setting, so that is what I used. After I blended all of this, then I put the almond milk in, just enough to make the liquid contents rise up an inch- so 1/4 of a cup I guesstimate.
I took one and semi mashed it up in a cup- not so much like a slushy because it wasn't liquid, but like Italian Ice. It was awesome!
Next time I make them, I am going to add a few teaspoons of protein powder. This would be a great recovery snack from a workout!
Hope you enjoy- tell me how you like it!
Monday, March 19, 2012
1st & 2nd Bucket List Completion
A few weeks ago, I made a Bucket list for Spring. Saturday St. Patty's Day 2012- I started on the list. I want to hike all of the State Parks in GA. I have done a few, so I am just trying to catch up since there are 63! Ive done Black Rock Mountain, High Falls, and now Hamburg. I called 2 of the youth that hang out with me a lot and told them I was picking them up and we were going hiking. I packed a picnic lunch and off we went.
I have been to Hamburg many times before, but never hiked it. This was supposed to be a 3.5 mile hike. I am not sure, but we hiked for 3 hours- and I am fully confident it was more like 4 something. We climbed over logs, made out way through briars, and sweated it up. Abby and Ansley are seriously the loudest people I could have chosed to take with me, but we made the most of it.
Here is the injury report:
Abby's legs looked like a cat attacked her because of the serious briar scratches she got.
She also FELL and busted it in front of some fisherman. I couldn't help but die laughing, but also thinking- my gosh please tell me your ankle isn't broken- we are too far into this hike for that.
I have 2 HUGE scratches on my left leg from a briar that literally tore my skin open. It was bloody and now is infected :( and a few others on both legs.
I also received a blow to the face from a downed branch/limb/javelin that knocked me out in the face. Had I not had on my huge sunglasses, I think I would be a cyclops. I am making jokes, but I cried and seriously got the crap knocked out of me. I have a bruise to prove that one as well.
Ansley was the least scathed. She has a few scratches, and got whacked in the back once, but nothing else.
We had our picnic (with a blanket bucket list #2pin) near the water fall and it was so pretty and peaceful. At the end of the day, we all felt super accomplished. It is cool to knock off 2 pins from the bucket list and put them in the bucket! I hope that they all get in the bucket by the end of May!
I have been to Hamburg many times before, but never hiked it. This was supposed to be a 3.5 mile hike. I am not sure, but we hiked for 3 hours- and I am fully confident it was more like 4 something. We climbed over logs, made out way through briars, and sweated it up. Abby and Ansley are seriously the loudest people I could have chosed to take with me, but we made the most of it.
Here is the injury report:
Abby's legs looked like a cat attacked her because of the serious briar scratches she got.
She also FELL and busted it in front of some fisherman. I couldn't help but die laughing, but also thinking- my gosh please tell me your ankle isn't broken- we are too far into this hike for that.
I have 2 HUGE scratches on my left leg from a briar that literally tore my skin open. It was bloody and now is infected :( and a few others on both legs.
I also received a blow to the face from a downed branch/limb/javelin that knocked me out in the face. Had I not had on my huge sunglasses, I think I would be a cyclops. I am making jokes, but I cried and seriously got the crap knocked out of me. I have a bruise to prove that one as well.
Ansley was the least scathed. She has a few scratches, and got whacked in the back once, but nothing else.
We had our picnic (with a blanket bucket list #2pin) near the water fall and it was so pretty and peaceful. At the end of the day, we all felt super accomplished. It is cool to knock off 2 pins from the bucket list and put them in the bucket! I hope that they all get in the bucket by the end of May!
Crybaby
The time has come- the weekend is over. People keep asking how I'm doing, I just want to say- here, read this and you will know how I really am doing.
Friday I was the guest speaker for the Health club at Blandy Elementary- then had some special deddy-daughter time at Mellow Mushroom, then my deddy took Mowgli for the weekend.
So- I was home alone at 8pm on a Friday night.This really isn't how I pictured my life at age 27, but this is how it is. I am sure there were lots of things that I could have been doing, but they didn't happen. At 8:55pm I crawled into bed and then it started. It is awfully amazing how you can see something that reminds you of someone- and then cry. Cry until there is nothing left in you. Cry to the point where you are just holding your tshirt over your face so you dont have to continually wipe the tears away. The cry that makes you feel like every fiber in you is welling up these tears, almost like your body is working against you- because you know you don't want to do this. You have no idea how the body can produce so much fluid and yet it continues to stream down your face.
So, I literally just laid there and cried. I cried for 40 minutes then tried to get it together and find some comfort in God's word. I searched, but I wasn't really sure what I was searching for- just something to honestly make me stop crying. I read lots of verses, but I kept going back to 1 John 4. The entire chapter. My coworker had shared verse 4 with me earlier, and I was just drawn to it. It tied in with my post about Jesus overcoming the world. The verse says You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. I have certainly reached my breaking point 2 and a half months later still, and I am just struggling. I was reminded of the very post that I wrote- Jesus overcame the world and HE IS IN ME. He is more powerful and greater than the stupid liar Satan who is here in this world. I kept reading. The rest of the chapter talks about loving others with God's love and how God's love is made complete in us, as well as while we are here in this world- we are like Jesus.
My attitude changed as I was shown how God really did show love to the world. Am I truly being like Jesus? Ha. The answer is a large and in charge NO. He was in constant communication with the Father, and never complained about his situations. He rejoiced in everything and made it a point to minister to others- even when he didn't want to. My attitude and being hasn't been that- all I have seemed to be doing is crying. Constantly feeling like I am drowning because I am surrounded by an ocean of tears.
I prayed that God would make those verses real to me -then tried not to cry myself to sleep, but that was a fail as well.
Today, Sunday- urgh. Cryday as well. A tear stained face is how I entered and left church tonight and I had been crying at my parents again earlier that day. Whoever said "It gets easier" lied. I wasn't a cryer before this relationship. Now I cry at the drop of a a hat. Over lots of things, not just my relationship failing. The cries today were at least not as ugly as the one from Monday. Geeze, that was awful. These were manageable, but hurt none the less.
When will this brokenness leave me? When will I not cry myself to sleep? When will I not cry at the sight of something that reminds me of that relationship and that person? When will it get "easier"? When When When? I don't and won't have the answer for that. I have to remember this is a process- and I am not in control of the refinement department.
I am not putting all of this out there to make you feel sorry for me. NOT in the least. Sometimes when I write out things it makes it more real to me- or allows me to see how dumb I am being because this sounds completely ridiculous that I am crying this much. Maybe that is part of it. I don't know, but I'm grateful for the friends who notice my tear stained face and pull me away to talk. They know. And I am grateful that they don't judge me when I break down in front of them.
I am not sure what lies ahead, but I am certain that these tears are cleansing a part of me that is desperate for healing.
Friday I was the guest speaker for the Health club at Blandy Elementary- then had some special deddy-daughter time at Mellow Mushroom, then my deddy took Mowgli for the weekend.
So- I was home alone at 8pm on a Friday night.This really isn't how I pictured my life at age 27, but this is how it is. I am sure there were lots of things that I could have been doing, but they didn't happen. At 8:55pm I crawled into bed and then it started. It is awfully amazing how you can see something that reminds you of someone- and then cry. Cry until there is nothing left in you. Cry to the point where you are just holding your tshirt over your face so you dont have to continually wipe the tears away. The cry that makes you feel like every fiber in you is welling up these tears, almost like your body is working against you- because you know you don't want to do this. You have no idea how the body can produce so much fluid and yet it continues to stream down your face.
So, I literally just laid there and cried. I cried for 40 minutes then tried to get it together and find some comfort in God's word. I searched, but I wasn't really sure what I was searching for- just something to honestly make me stop crying. I read lots of verses, but I kept going back to 1 John 4. The entire chapter. My coworker had shared verse 4 with me earlier, and I was just drawn to it. It tied in with my post about Jesus overcoming the world. The verse says You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. I have certainly reached my breaking point 2 and a half months later still, and I am just struggling. I was reminded of the very post that I wrote- Jesus overcame the world and HE IS IN ME. He is more powerful and greater than the stupid liar Satan who is here in this world. I kept reading. The rest of the chapter talks about loving others with God's love and how God's love is made complete in us, as well as while we are here in this world- we are like Jesus.
My attitude changed as I was shown how God really did show love to the world. Am I truly being like Jesus? Ha. The answer is a large and in charge NO. He was in constant communication with the Father, and never complained about his situations. He rejoiced in everything and made it a point to minister to others- even when he didn't want to. My attitude and being hasn't been that- all I have seemed to be doing is crying. Constantly feeling like I am drowning because I am surrounded by an ocean of tears.
I prayed that God would make those verses real to me -then tried not to cry myself to sleep, but that was a fail as well.
Today, Sunday- urgh. Cryday as well. A tear stained face is how I entered and left church tonight and I had been crying at my parents again earlier that day. Whoever said "It gets easier" lied. I wasn't a cryer before this relationship. Now I cry at the drop of a a hat. Over lots of things, not just my relationship failing. The cries today were at least not as ugly as the one from Monday. Geeze, that was awful. These were manageable, but hurt none the less.
When will this brokenness leave me? When will I not cry myself to sleep? When will I not cry at the sight of something that reminds me of that relationship and that person? When will it get "easier"? When When When? I don't and won't have the answer for that. I have to remember this is a process- and I am not in control of the refinement department.
I am not putting all of this out there to make you feel sorry for me. NOT in the least. Sometimes when I write out things it makes it more real to me- or allows me to see how dumb I am being because this sounds completely ridiculous that I am crying this much. Maybe that is part of it. I don't know, but I'm grateful for the friends who notice my tear stained face and pull me away to talk. They know. And I am grateful that they don't judge me when I break down in front of them.
I am not sure what lies ahead, but I am certain that these tears are cleansing a part of me that is desperate for healing.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Vicious vs. Virtuous
In my second post- because the previous one was supposed to be posted last night but my archaic laptop was running so slow I feel asleep waiting for it to load- I want to touch on this phrase that I heard the other day: Vicious versus Virtuous Cycles.
I am not sure why this resonated with my mind, but it set it my neurons on fire for some thinking. What is the difference in these cycles you may ask? To me, a vicious cycle is working at something but it not doing you any good, or getting you any farther than you were. It isn't really producing fruit and really is causing you more harm than you can see.
Virtuous cycle: doing something that could be/is consistent or continuous, but postive changes and positive reinforcement is brought about. You are seeing and producing fruit. You are becoming better through this pattern.
Vicious: Example: A woman who keeps going back to her abusive husband/boyfriend. She cries out in anguish from the struggle, but yet continues to go back to him for affirmation. She thinks she can't get out and has no where else to run, so she goes to the one thing that gives her comfort- even though she knows he is going to hurt her (physically/emotionally).
Another example: People who want to lose weight and get fit, but don't do anything to change. Someone told me yesterday they had a double cheeseburger and fries for lunch with a diet Coke. Really? Why even drink a diet- so what you are cutting 100 calories for yours drink- you just made them up in what you ate.
Vicious cycles get us no where. What is the thing/s in your life that you know aren't making you a better person- but yet you still can't find reason enough to give it up?
For me lately it has been this mindset of living out "Murphy's Law" and how I can't seem to do anything right. I told my parents they should have named me Murphy- and my dad asked why in a very puzzling response and I said "Because everything that can go wrong- completely goes wrong in my life. Everything I touch turns to crap (unlike good ol' Midas)."
My friends have reminded me that I do have a lot going for me and a lot to be thankful for- I just have a hard time zoning in on those things in the midst of this chaos. But for me to keep negating myself and self worth- and continue to complain about it- just keeps me in this whirlwind of deception. It is a constant battle friends. A battle. An all out war of my mind within itself. "You can't do anything right" "You clearly aren't good enough" "Obviously you weren't even good enough for a memory" "You are never going to do XYZ..." "You are the problem, the common denominator" "Fail' "Fail" "Fail"
Insert Jesus.
Do I not know that the King of Kings has already defeated this battle waging inside of me? Do you not remember the cross my dear child? Do you not realize that Jesus beat Satan and his army of lies- with a stick. Beat him like it was his job?? Did you forget that? The reason why you choose to live in this "vicious" cycle is because you so often forfeit the peace that was given to you- peace that was so overwhelming that it BUSTED out of the grave and is ALIVE in you? Jesus nailed it all to that cross and said “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Can I get an Amen? Seriously, we don't credit Christ enough for his awesome power he instills in us. If Christ overcame the WORLD, dear child, don't you think you can overcome anything the WORLD throws at you?
"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest (Matt.11:28)" I am included in that all, and so are you. It is high time I started living in the virtuous cycle life and I hope you choose to do the same. We have been called to greater things- and greater things are NOT the lies that Satan so easily slips into our mindset and makes us think WE put it there. Jesus gives out peace, comfort, and purpose. He is the author and perfector of virtuous cycles. Why don't we take a few lessons from his book he wrote and use it to be victorious in our lives?
I am not sure why this resonated with my mind, but it set it my neurons on fire for some thinking. What is the difference in these cycles you may ask? To me, a vicious cycle is working at something but it not doing you any good, or getting you any farther than you were. It isn't really producing fruit and really is causing you more harm than you can see.
Virtuous cycle: doing something that could be/is consistent or continuous, but postive changes and positive reinforcement is brought about. You are seeing and producing fruit. You are becoming better through this pattern.
Vicious: Example: A woman who keeps going back to her abusive husband/boyfriend. She cries out in anguish from the struggle, but yet continues to go back to him for affirmation. She thinks she can't get out and has no where else to run, so she goes to the one thing that gives her comfort- even though she knows he is going to hurt her (physically/emotionally).
Another example: People who want to lose weight and get fit, but don't do anything to change. Someone told me yesterday they had a double cheeseburger and fries for lunch with a diet Coke. Really? Why even drink a diet- so what you are cutting 100 calories for yours drink- you just made them up in what you ate.
Vicious cycles get us no where. What is the thing/s in your life that you know aren't making you a better person- but yet you still can't find reason enough to give it up?
For me lately it has been this mindset of living out "Murphy's Law" and how I can't seem to do anything right. I told my parents they should have named me Murphy- and my dad asked why in a very puzzling response and I said "Because everything that can go wrong- completely goes wrong in my life. Everything I touch turns to crap (unlike good ol' Midas)."
My friends have reminded me that I do have a lot going for me and a lot to be thankful for- I just have a hard time zoning in on those things in the midst of this chaos. But for me to keep negating myself and self worth- and continue to complain about it- just keeps me in this whirlwind of deception. It is a constant battle friends. A battle. An all out war of my mind within itself. "You can't do anything right" "You clearly aren't good enough" "Obviously you weren't even good enough for a memory" "You are never going to do XYZ..." "You are the problem, the common denominator" "Fail' "Fail" "Fail"
Insert Jesus.
Do I not know that the King of Kings has already defeated this battle waging inside of me? Do you not remember the cross my dear child? Do you not realize that Jesus beat Satan and his army of lies- with a stick. Beat him like it was his job?? Did you forget that? The reason why you choose to live in this "vicious" cycle is because you so often forfeit the peace that was given to you- peace that was so overwhelming that it BUSTED out of the grave and is ALIVE in you? Jesus nailed it all to that cross and said “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Can I get an Amen? Seriously, we don't credit Christ enough for his awesome power he instills in us. If Christ overcame the WORLD, dear child, don't you think you can overcome anything the WORLD throws at you?
"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest (Matt.11:28)" I am included in that all, and so are you. It is high time I started living in the virtuous cycle life and I hope you choose to do the same. We have been called to greater things- and greater things are NOT the lies that Satan so easily slips into our mindset and makes us think WE put it there. Jesus gives out peace, comfort, and purpose. He is the author and perfector of virtuous cycles. Why don't we take a few lessons from his book he wrote and use it to be victorious in our lives?
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