Here I Go Again

..going down the only road I've ever known.

Monday.  Monday.  Monday. Didn't post last week because of the ice- even though I had 2 days off- I just chose to be lazy. Well- not really. I cleaned up our house- even vacuumed the mattress and pillows on our bed and cleaned the bathroom.

Georgia- you sure have been crazy lately. Snow- real fluffy snow- iced roads- a catastrophic event in Atlanta- 2.5 days off from work- then turn around and do it all again 2 weeks later- ice this time and 2 days off again. I am not complaining about not going to work. And then an earthquake on Valentine's day night. Go home Mother Nature, you're drunk.

 

My revelations of  these past events: crazy. This is crazy. 

The only thing that can make this ice and snow go away is heat and light. We had snow in our yard for a while because it was in the shade. People were put in the darkness from these storms because of ice and trees on the lines. Some didn't have power for days. The only thing that would make them happy is to have their lights back on. To feel the warmth and to be able to see in the dark. To feel alive again, because the dark can be a scary and depressing place.

Funny. That is how our lives are. So dark and so cold. Depressing and meaningless- and sometimes scary. Yet again- the only thing that can change our hardened hearts is light. The light of Christ. Only He can melt the heart of stone.

My heart has been heavy to pray for people that I am related to/can't stand/don't like/ but know that the need Jesus to change their heart (even when they tell me they don't need any extra prayers or any help from me).

If you look in these pictures of the trees and bushes from my yard, you will see there is something encased in the ice. I can see the potential of it to come back to life, but I can not melt the ice or unfreeze it. Only light can do that. I see people like that. There is potential for them to be made new, it just has to be unfrozen.

So this week, I pray for the words to pray for others that I don't like. I see the challenge God has laid before me. It isn't for me to change them or fix them- the challenge is for me to pray for them when I. Don't. Want. To. Only Christ can change a heart- bring it to life- and melt the cold, bitter, hatred, spiteful, and mean heart- and raise this life up from the dead.

Maybe my heart needs to be melted as well. Funny how God gives you grand ideas that you think can change the world- but honestly he is just trying to change you me. 

This aint Nintendo

Yesterday was a pretty rough day for me. As you may have read (if you didn't- here it is). Not only were my feelings and my pride hurt, I cried a lot. At work. I didn't even cry at home when I was originally upset Wednesday night about it- but cried really bad in a dear friend's office. 

So as I quietly lost control over my emotions yesterday about my blog not being as life changing as someone else's who got 50K views in 2 weeks of its inception- and I have to BEG people to comment about mine so I can give them free stuff- just to reach 11,000.. I proceeded to tell my coworker why I was upset- I told her that we as humans try to downgrade other's stages of their lives by saying "just wait til.. you are married..you have kids...til you are an adult..til the newlywed stage is over. Til you hit this age. On and On and on. What we are doing is taking away joy and cheating people out of happiness and living their life in their current place. We are saying that you have to get to the next level to have success or find your purpose.  This ain't Nintendo. This is real life- and I DON'T have to get anywhere but at the feet of Jesus.

I told my friend that I didn't need to get married to have my identity validated. I don't have to wait until I have kids to realize my purpose. I don't have to do X, Y, or Z to be successful. I don't have to one-up anybody- because it doesn't matter. Christ is where my identity is found- and all this other stuff is just extra. I said these words even as my other friend was texting them to me. She said "Your worth doesn't come from your blog- Your worth comes from Jesus, the Son of God!" 

I was also reminded that in the grand scheme of things- it is ok if I am not as cool/ popular/awesome as anyone else- because Jesus should be enough.

I seem to give myself great advice when I am in the middle of a letdown- and God seems to provide His Truth in times of need- I just choose to not listen to either sometimes.  

My husband went out of his way to send me verses that told me truth of comparing myself to others. There were 29 verses- but one stood out most. "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ" Galatians 1:10

Straight to the heart- because I'm so vain. Not. About. Numbers. Rachel. God sees the heart. 

Late that night, Another sweet friend texted me some really uplifting words before I went to sleep. I needed to be reminded that "It is nice to be important, but it is more important to be nice". 

Sometimes we have a bad crappy no good day. Sometimes- in the midst of our shadows, the light of Christ comes to us from someone/somewhere we didn't expect- because someone chose Jesus as the answer. I just needed my true friends to remind me of grace- and that who cares what the world says or does. 

 Thanks for reading. Even if the numbers never change, I will know that I can take my own advice when I need it again. 

Dreams Crushed

There are times when I think I am on top of the world. These times do not happen often. I would say maybe 15% of the time. The rest- oh the rest are the times when I am defeated, deflated, and broken hearted. 

It seems like it is always always an uphill battle. Yesterday was one of those days. So often I have these dreams and plans and really good ideas (in my mind- I'm sure others would beg to differ)- and so many times they get crushed. Shattered.

More like a pinata beaten with a pair of scissors and ran through a paper shredder. 

Sometimes I just feel like no matter how hard I try- it is never good enough. Our devotion was about this the other night- but it talked about marriage and not just in general. Maybe I need to re-read it since I was half asleep when we did it. 

It is very hard to sit back and watch others do something that you wanted to do or enjoyed doing (or felt you were good at) and see them gain success and fame and praise.

Let me say this: it is not that I don't want others to be successful- that isn't it at all. I do want that for others. I am proud of my friends in all their triumphs and beautiful stories. I just question why I keep missing the opportunity bus. 

As I sat at our big dining table and wrote addresses on cards last night- I felt the sting of tears fill my eyes. I choked them down and went and locked myself in our bathroom. As I stood looking up to God asking a million and 1 questions as to why I can never be "that great" or "why no one thinks I am that great" or "why is there always another step to be "great" to the world" and just plain "why are you doing this to me God"- I didn't really get an answer. All I did was just stand there and hurt. 

Pride is a weird thing. I don't want to boast about myself and come across as the world revolves around me- I like the humble side- yet at the same time I want people to thing I am awesome. I do want that praise that I finally did something right. Not for me to be filled with lavish admiration, but for me to finally feel as if I did something that benefited someone.

My sweet husband came and found me after I had showered and calmed down (he has to hear ALL of my frustrations, be glad that isn't you). He says to stop comparing myself to others. I tell him he has no idea what it is like to be a girl- and he agrees. It isn't that easy, but I wish it was.

I don't have any life changing words to say about this. I tried praying about it but got so frustrated I quit. I'm sure I could find some scripture to change my heart- but I'm not there yet. I'm hoping this case of the blues- more like grays and blacks- will soon pass. 

Already February

Has it gone by that quickly? February. Geeze- where did January go? I can tell this year is going to fly by.

I took a week off from the snow last week. This week I don't have much to say. No really.

I have been in a reflection of what I want and don't want for this year- or my life-and I am just not sure. We have made some major changes- and I know many more will be coming.

I am praying for wisdom. Sometimes- you just don't know what you want or can't understand what God wants for you. Sometimes- I talk a really big game and then when push comes to shove- I'm not so confident. More often than not- I am just lazy. Kevin said if I was to ever be in a position to not work- all I would do is sleep.

He may or may not be correct in his statement. I am a good competitor for that title.

Sometimes I just get sick of the way things are- but when I really break it down- I realize how good I have it. Maybe I won't be in a manic Monday mood tomorrow and can write about something interesting. Probably not. I really am not that interesting of a person.

If you spent a day with me- you would think the same. I talk to my dogs about problems with life and keep waiting for their answer. My daily goal is to make my husband laugh out loud. Sometimes I dance- other times I sing (really off key), and sometimes I just make funny voices. He doesn't laugh 90% of the time- but I keep on trucking none the less. I cook dinner- and do a terrible job at the dishes. I have to make agreements with my husband to the tune of "Ok- I will stop doing this- if you start doing this" (pick up on that tune word..in order to get him to floss). We watch some tv- mostly that we don't agree with- and thats it.

So- tomorrow I hope for a better mood- a clear head and a desire to do something worth it.