Three hundred some odd days

Here is what is has been like to be married to you for a year (and some change).

So, I have heard all sorts of sounds I didnt know existed. Laundry was multiplied by 7 when I said I do. The art of folding your shirts has finally come around. You are nice and let me sleep because you don't like being yelled at. Saturday morning breakfasts are always fun. You have way too many socks. Your hearing is dang near awful. You can fix anything, even if I didnt break it. I like when you make spaghetti. Your dish-washing skills are quite impressive. We both are competitive sleepers. The songs that we sing to our dogs should never be revealed to anyone. The floss-fart rule still stands. You have changed my spending habits- no new clothes once a month anymore, and that isn't always a bad thing. You love my parents and I love yours. It excites me when you sing Christian songs in the car. You know how to communicate- and that is what makes us strong. You pray for me and us- and never waiver in your faith to be the best man you can be before the Lord. There is a lot more, but this past year has been awesome. 

Little did you know babe, that I was praying for you long before you came. If you haven't read any of my desperate, horrible,tearfest, pathetic, what in the world was I thinking writing all of that, blog  from 2012, then you truly don't know the heartache that I had before you. I wrote a post on June 19th, 2012 that had a lot of questions that I couldn't find the answers to. I wanted to answer them now, because I finally know the answers. All it took was you. 

The original post can be found here. Im just going to answer a couple of them today.

Why is it that every one of my friends from college is happy, married, pregnant, or living the dream- and I feel like I am barely getting by?
Answer: Because it was God's time for them. Each person's time is different and not on the same clock or schedule. My time had not come yet, and he was waiting for the right time to allow me to get to the next point in my life. You were surely worth the wait. I am so happy- overjoyed and married life is the best thing ever. He makes everything beautiful in its time. Ecc 3:10
Now the date of the old post is significant. I had my first date with you  3 days later. Thanks for the happy God, in the form of this hottie. 











What does it feel like to wake up next to the same person every day? What does it feel like to know that someone loves you so much they want to spend the rest of their life with you- no one else but you?
Answer: it is the most amazing feeling in the world. There have been many sleepless nights this past year waiting on you to come home for work. Your 3am shift is really hard on me, but the sound of the beep beeps from the alarm and the garage door opening are some of the most comforting sounds at that time in the morning. SWAT callouts (like the 2 this week) scare me because I want you to come back, but I do have a different, hard-to-explain peace because I know you and your team are really good at what you do- and it is a controlled environment. I guess I get more scared from routine traffic stops because people are idiots. I  miss you when you are gone. I look at my ring everyday and thank God for you. I pray for you daily- for your safety and for your return. 

To know that you truly love me- flaws and all- makes my tear up and I am so grateful for you. I never have to question (even though I ask every day) if you still love me. You are so patient with me. You love me so much- and aren't afraid to show it. You include me in your life- and ask my opinion and that makes me thankful. You are my happy ending and you were my new beginning.  It is so awesome to know that you wanted me- and went through a LOT to make me yours. 

What is it like to know that you make someone happy? What does it feel like to know that someone wants to make you the happiest person in the world and they do simple random sweet nice things to make this happen? Or yet- what is it like to know that someone WANTS you in their life as well as NEEDS you?

Again- you go out of your way to show love to me. I get the BEST birthday presents. You really do go overboard. Flowers are routine with you- and you still take me on dates. All I have to do is mention what I want, and you get it or make it happen. Like our anniversary trip. I said I just wanted a weekend enjoying Atlanta one day- and you planned the perfect trip. Or my Christmas presents. Down to the eye cream, you got it all right. or my engagement ring. You do listen, even when I think you are just not paying me any attention. The details you put into life are so sweet and genuine. It is so nice to come home and you want to hug me. I have never had that kind of love before. You never give up on me- even when I have long given up on myself. I know you need me. Not for laundry, or cooking you dinners, or doing the grocery shopping, or running your Epsom salt baths-I know you want and need me because you tell me. (hey I need you for yard work and ironing. and handyman stuff like hanging pictures- and because you make my life better. 

What is it like to sit back in your house and know that you are paying for this house- you own it? I don't pay the bills, but Hey- thanks for making my dreams come true. It is so cool to go to a place that you are contributing to- and own, and it ours. I love our house and I will never forget on our first date you said "My house is kind of empty. Maybe you can help me decorate it." Little did I or you know that I wouldn't be much of a decorator. Those 3 canvases though, they make it work. Maybe one day I will print out pictures for all the frames I am hoarding. 

How does it feel to know someone is really in love with you, and that they don't just love you as a person, they are in love with you? I cant even explain it. You are so open and honest with me. You really do love me, but even more so, are in love with me. You aren't afraid to show me off. Let's never let that go away ok? 

Why do we have to be alone, when we don't want to be alone- no friends, no common comforts, nothing- and why does it hurt so bad?
Because God has a bigger and higher purpose for you. When you get to the good parts in life, you will appreciate them more because of where you have been and what you had to go through to grow. Because being alone taught me that I didn't need any guy to define me. It taught me how to pick up and start over. It taught me that it is ok to fail and make mistakes as long as you don't stay there. Your character is who you are when no one is looking. For a long time, lets just say I wasn't worth looking at- or being around- or being suitable for someone. God had to work on me to get me ready. Ready for you. Definitely not the way I would have chosen, but I can say that now I understand why. 


 You are truly the best husband ever and I can't thank God enough. I hope the past year has been this awesome for you! I hope you have an extra special May Day tomorrow! The big 3-0. The Dirty Thirty. Yikes. Glad it's you first and not me! 

With 4 days left

I haven't written since I was trying to get that large elephant off of my chest. I have been enjoying my marriage and taking in the last bit of the first year- and let me just say the first year was great.

Along the way in revealing my weaknesses, my vulnerabilities, my struggles and what I am dealing with as a Christian woman- not anyone else's stuff- it seems I have been once again labeled a hypocrite and the internet police have said "I can't do that". Word to the wise- if you complain about what I write- and tell me directly to my face that you don't want to read my blog or talk about me and what I write- um...don't read it. It isn't a make or break deal for me. But in all seriousness, if you say you could care less what I write about (hey, for the record- it is mainly Jesus)- why are you still here?? You don't have to read this, no one is forcing you.

 I'm not alarmed if my readership doesn't increase. Again, this is my therapy and my time. This is my blog. Not a tutorial. Not a cookbook. Not a fashionista stop. There are plenty of awesome blogs that do that. This is however, my real world and I'm trying to be honest. I'm not here to deal with anyone but me. My writings can come across as snarky, but if you truly know me- and know my heart- you know that being a Christian is everything to me.   

Since my last reveal of what I had been dealing with, I have prayed and prayed- gone to the alter and prayed for healing and restoration. I have shared my struggle of unforgiveness with my Sunday School class and I have complained to my husband for the past 4 months. 

I haven't been praying just for me- I have been trying to pray for the people who hurt me as well (even when they don't want my prayers). Do y'all even know how hard that is? I'm thankful that I have a God-fearing husband who helps me with the things I struggle with. He reminds me that they need grace just as Christ gave it to me. Hard. Pill. To. Swallow. 

Grace can be summed up as: getting what you don't deserve. Man, sometimes I wish that "eye for an eye" was still in play. That is wrong guys, but that is truth. But my loving husband with his patient and godly heart, reminds me that it does no good to treat people the way they treat you. It only makes your character a reflection of your flesh- and not a reflection of Christ. 

My one and only goal in this life that I have been given is to model Christ. All the rest will fade away. I want to know that I have defended my faith and stood up when others persecuted the Jesus I love. I want to know that I have been an example of Christ to others when they needed it most. I don't selfishly want this for my gratification- I want it for God's glorification. Move me out of the picture. 

Sometimes I don't have a Christ-like attitude. You know why? Because I let my flesh get the best of me and let the devil get a foothold. I am human- and I never said I was perfect. I do, however, believe in the author and perfecter of my faith and I know that Christ is in me. 

As the last days of lent wrap up, I pray my revelation of Christ is magnified and he is glorified. I pray for healing still in my heart and those who have shot the arrows. I pray for Easter to be a marvelous reminder that God's love for us is real and nothing can take that away from us.