Crockpot Jesus in a Microwave world

In recent conversations with some of my closest friends, I have found that I am not the only one "waiting".

I have tried to be the gentle spirit that reminds people to just wait- but waiting is hard.

Things I hate waiting on:

• The laundry to finish the wrinkle release cycle
• Test results- either in medical or physical form
• Slow people in aisles
• Slow people on the road
• Slow people in general
• a service company- I'm looking at you alarm and cable companies
• a long time for food at a restaurant
• answers when I don't have or know them
• long lines
• people using EBT cards with big buggies
• people with EBT cards
• food that requires more than 3 minutes of microwave time
• people who are fully capable of serving themselves- but refuse

So- there are a few "earthly" things I hate waiting on. Sometimes- we are really tested with waiting on things we really want.

A new house - car- job. A significant other. A promotion. An answer to a long time prayer. A better life for our families. A better life for us. A new opportunity. A change in place. A feeling of purpose. Restoration and healing.  An understanding and clarity. Just some peace, Lord. Strength- guidance- and comfort. Many things, yet we don't always get it instantly.  

We live in a microwave world but serve a crock pot Jesus. (direct quote from me)

Microwave is almost instant. I lived off of instant Kraft mac and cheese in college because it was easy and quick. 2 minutes and you are done. 

Crockpots seem to take FORRRRRREEEEVVVVVEERRR (in a Sandlot voice). You can't open it until it is had the full time to cook- but man, isn't it Amazing when you finally get to open it?!

Our life: Why not now- God- why not? Why can't this, that, or the other go my way?

In reality: God says "It is not time"

Everything has a distinct and purposeful time. It may not come when we want it- or expect it- but I believe it will come. 

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says "He has made all things beautiful in its time". A favorite verse that reminds me- its time is not my time. 

What power is that to know that something beautiful will come from every situation we struggle with. 

The first part of Ecclesiastes chapter 3 goes like this:

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

I don't know what "time" you are in right now- but my prayer is that you will be reminded that your time is not really "yours" and that God's timing is always perfect. Sometimes our waiting is a miserable process- and we want to give up. But in that process God makes you to be exactly what he wants you to be- and is making something beautiful out of it. Sometimes, we have to realize we might not get to see the beauty, but it will still come. 

Your time will come, it may not be the way you would have chosen, but thankfully the Creator of the world holds us in his hands and he doesn't wear a watch or follow earthly deadlines. 

..When 30 Was old

Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

 age 3-4 Burger King Milly

 Age 22, Applebees Milly

Age 22, Amelia Island Age 23, Comedy Club Macon

 Age 24, Pottery painting Macon

 Age 25, ATL Airport- #5 missed flight to Vegas

  25, Vegas

  26, At my little house in Milly

  27, Milly at GCSU

 28, Hilton Head Island

29, Tybee Island

 29

30, Milly









There you have it. A look back over the last 10 years of birthdays- minus my 21st- because clearly that wasn't documented (trust me- that is a good thing). I did have a huge pool party- but those arent digital prints.

I have reached another milestone and can only credit God for that. In the past 10 years, I have done some incredible things. I think I wrote about those things a while ago (I think 10 year HS reunion). In the past 2 years, I have found the one whom my soul loves, got married, and are expecting our firstborn in a few months. Whoa- time goes fast when you hit that married point.

As far as an astronomical birthday for my dirty 30- I wouldn't take it that far- but good that is what we will call it. I woke up to 3 little pups snuggling with me and singing me happy birthday. My sweet husband had taken me out to dinner and a movie the night before- and was now at work. Then I said- what the heck I'm 30- I'm eating cupcakes for breakfast. ..with a bagel- it was balanced....

Sprinkles make everything better. Then I went to church and it was a really good sermon- and my sweet friends in Sunday school had brought me a breakfast strudel with "30" candles on it. After church I went home and Kevin was there.

Yay for presents! My husband is a PHENOMENAL gift giver- hands down. I got 3 dvds that were great- especially another copy of The Goonies since someone stole my other one... a HAMMOCK! (this is huge because I have been saying I wanted one for the past 2 years)... a foot spa (heated, massaging, and amazing..since I complained about my last one getting broken and my feet hurting now that I am pregnant) and the dinner and a movie (The Giver). Oh! and a onesie for Kaleb that says "My daddy knows a lot but my mommy knows everything". So good- he takes notes, literally, and never has to question his gifts!

After presents we did laundry and Kevin took a nap - told you it was exciting. I got SHOCKED from putting something in the baby's room and touching the wrong part of the missing light plate. Needless to say the cover goes back on today!!

We finally went to his parents for lake time around 2:30- the bottom fell out- we finally got the boat situated and ready to go- get on the water for 10 minutes as Kevin is about to wake surf- and ALARM ALARM ALARM... a SWAT callout.

High tail it back to the dock- drop him off- and he's gone. I did enjoy a nice boat ride with my in-laws and dogs- so I just made the most of it (my parents were out of town- if you were wondering). My sweet in-laws ordered my favorite pizza (Dominos hand tossed bacon, pepperoni, pineapple) and we had a nice dinner just hanging out. Kevin finally made it about around 9:30 and we enjoyed this masterpiece of a caramel cake made by my Mother in law. (it won't rotate in the program)

So, overall it was a good birthday. 30 seems so ancient when you are 21. Now that I'm here- it is still hard to say, but I'm guessing that I will be just fine. I'm surrounded by a great family and an awesome MIL and FIL, have a best friend, lover, and match made in heaven husband to share life with, and have a lot of friends who love me. A decade has come to a close- and a new one is underway. 

Missing the Boat

Last week my awesome husband and I were out of the country on our summer vacation. Wait you didn't know? Oh my gosh we totally (intentionally) didn't put it online. Anyway- we had a wonderful getaway from the world- my favorite part was not hearing my husband's cell phone go off all hours of the day and night.

We set out on the road Saturday to not have to wake up as early on Sunday and drive down to Florida. We made a few childhood stops in my old hometown of Baxley, Georgia before finding a nonsketchy hotel in Jacksonville (ps- that was hard to do).

Here is the house I grew up in from 3rd to 6th grade. I remember a much prettier yard and it had white shingles.

My daddy built that wood fence. Still standing years later.

Here is Kevin at his favorite restaurant from going to the beach with his family every year when he was young- in the place where I grew up- small
world. I'm willing to bet we could have been in the same place at the same time sometime during his vacations!

Before we set sail- we had a major  huge tiny set back. I had sent off my passport to be updated the very first part of July. It didn't make it back in time. And I realized when we got to Jacksonville that I needed my birth certificate. Crap. So- after calling Carnival and explaining the situation- things were looking really grim for me to get on the ship. Even though I was a past cruiser- they weren't going to let me on without some kind of proof of citizenship.

Enter panic. We only had ONE week the entire summer to go on vacation. ONE week y'all. This was it. We had patiently waited allllllll of summer seeing our friends and family on trips for our time to come. And it was about to happen without me. I did manage not to cry, but I really wanted to. I just felt bad for being a horrible wife who managed to pack everything for my husband- and forget the one thing to get me on the stinkin' boat.

So- what did we do? We called our mommas- that's what we did. I called my mom and asked her if she somehow by the proper planning of a good momma had a copy of my birth certificate. She could tell I was in panic mode. She said she would look and call me back. I then proceeded to call my Milly and ask her if she would go on a treasure hunt in our house for a piece of paper that may or may not exist. My mom called back and said she had a certified copy of my birth certificate. Hallelujah!

But- we were still in the car and I needed a copy in my hands. 10ish that night we finally received a fax from home at our hotel and I could semi- relax for the trip.

The next morning- I tried to check us in online- and apparently we missed that option at midnight. The lady (on the phone) told Kevin we needed to be at the port at 11:30. We were still 2 hours away and it was 10am Sunday morning. Not going to make it. (ps the cruise had called and said don't get here before 12:30 because of inspection..so we were really confused).

We set out and I'm in freak out mode again. We finally made it- and got through with no problems and were on the ship by 1:30-2pm. They were more concerned with my pregnancy release form than my birth certificate.
In all my panic and lack of planning- we finally made it on the ship and once we got here- there were no more worries about missing summer vacation.

Our room was the same size as on our honeymoon- minus the balcony- but had a window! even though we booked an interior. Thanks God for working that upgrade out!

We set sail and the world drifted away for 5 days. We had a great time and I can't wait to go on our next adventure.
Here are the 'lights of the trip. You determine high or low:

• Kevin broke up a FIST FIGHT *with blood* (in the buffet line) before we even left the dock- ps it was between TWO WORKERS- not guests. I told him he should've stuck his face in the middle of it so we could have cruised for free. He knows now for next time. 
• Kevin got food poisoning (from the ship's prime rib) the 2nd day. It was awful.
• We decided to go to dinner when we wanted- not during the time we were given and the people we had dinner with turned out to be our next door neighbors to our room. Crazy.
• We snorkeled with our own gear twice and it was awesome. So many cool fish. 3 beaches in 2 days. Either Blue iguana tacos or ice cream every day.
• Kevin sang karaoke. I have a video- but I will see if he wants it posted. 
• We did shows, comedy, and piano bars. And a movie by the pool for dinner. 
• I got sick on the last day thanks to no air conditioned taxis and heavy exhaust fumes.
• Oh. And Kevin watched as I told off a kid about 8-9 years old on the last day to quit jumping over my head and stop hanging from the hot tub window to jump in a pool that clearly said do no jump and no horse playing. Had the little joker made contact with me when he threw his hands up to splash me and stick his tongue out at me- I'm pretty sure SACURITY would have been called. Kevin was watching him like a hawk. Needless to say- he left the pool after I told him he needed to respect adults and when he turned 21 then "he could teach me a lesson". 

So even though the chance to miss the boat was severely high- it all worked out in the end.  It was a fun trip and I can't wait til the next one!

Freeport, Bahamas  22 weeks

Round-up

Here's to another psychotic writing. Daily routines.

I don't have much of one- until night. I mean there are things I do repetitively, but my nighttime routine is much more established than my day time routine.

My husband would argue that the nighttime routine takes an eternity, but maybe 15 minutes is accurate. Take off my makeup if I didn't get it off from the shower. Brush my teeth, floss, take out my contacts, put on my eye cream and face lotion. Search for my glasses to be able to do the rest of the tasks. Lather up with 2 kinds of lotion for my body- one for baby belly and the rest to help me sleep from baby belly. Use the bathroom 2-3 times, depending on how this baby is feeling for the night. Do a once over on my face/eyebrows to make sure it looks ok. Put in my retainer. Drink a tervis cup full of water (and all through the night). Put the dogs in jail. Turn on the alarm and check all the locks.

Every. dang. day. Poor man is usually asleep by the time I finally get in the bed and hates to wait on me to do our devotion.

I'm sure some people have other similar routines- we don't drink coffee in our house or wake up any earlier than we have to- but use your own situation here.

I am slowly learning another routine God would have for me.

We have a beautiful landscaped yard thanks to my husband. Our yard is the prettiest in the neighborhood- hands down. It is lavished in bushes, trees, side walk lights, and beautiful colored flowers. We have a huge magnolia tree surrounded by small bushes on the corner of our lot- which is what you immediately see upon coming down the hill of the road. The house is surrounded by azaleas and a HUGE lilly setup with a few trees and small bushes and some big day lillies and large rose bushes. The front has hydrangeas and lorapetalum on the side of the garage. My favorite is the plum tree that we planted together surrounded by butterfly bushes. It is so green right now- and has gotten so big since we planted it. He cuts the grass in very determined linear patterns and our yard just glows. (We also have an outside company come in a few times to help our yard be at it's best- but my husband does the hard labor).

What I have noticed though: the weeds are in full force. Maybe he doesn't know this, but every few days I pick the weeds out of the beds. I go around the entire house looking for something that doesn't belong there.

Weeds can look pretty sometimes- and even are hard to distinguish from what is actually supposed to be there- but they literally suck the life out of the purposed plant. Some are small and go unnoticed. Some stand out really well and are easy to pluck and get rid of.

Do you see any weeds here?

Look again.

Those leaves don't belong there. You can't really see it in this picture, but they are a weed.


Some weeds have been growing for so long that their root system is attached to much more than surface level. Some are so easy to get rid of that you would have never noticed them missing- while others leave gaping holes in the soil that has to be covered and fixed. Still some leave behind some residue or a pod of sorts that has to be removed as well. You can't just pick them and throw them on the ground as someone has told me. Apparently they can shake off their spores or whatever and leave some on another spot- causing them to grow in other places. Complete removal of the weed is what is needed for the purposed plants and flowers to grow to their full potential and for them to soak up all the nutrients without having something else cut off their life support.

God has been revealing to me that I have some weeding to do in my own life, not just in my flower bed. I need to weed out the things that are sucking the life (aka Jesus) out of me. Friends, habits, sometimes family, routines that don't include Christ, and actions and behaviors.

It is so easy to get caught up in the world. Then I realize the things of this world will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.

To fully weed out my life, I need to identify what is keeping me from reaching my purpose in a full and complete way. Sometimes it is really easy to see when someone has a problem they need to get rid of (most assuredly in others- hardest in ourselves to see anything wrong). Other times, the problem/behavior/habit has been there so long it is now a part of the person and they don't know how to deal without it. Maybe it is bitterness or selfishness or apathy- or even a hidden habit that we keep from friends but we know it causes us problems. Some things that have to be removed from our lives might leave a gaping hole in our hearts, but I can rest knowing that the Ultimate Healer would never leave me in that condition. He will fill me with better things that lead me closer to him. Those weeds were never meant to be a part of you anyway. 

Just one days worth of weeds from the front bed.

So, today as I sit for Monday to be over, I hope you and I will begin to see the need to get rid of the things that are keeping us from being our biggest and brightest- alive and well- and thriving. Instead of starting to weed out other's gardens, I'll just start with mine. 

I hope to make weeding a daily part of my life- weeding out the earthly things that were never meant to be a part of me anyway and letting Christ shine brighter in me. 

Reclaimed Innocence

Late night conversations in our bedroom are sometimes where my husband and I find the most joy in the day. We have been doing an awesome devotion book for married people short on time and I highly recommend it. It is called "Night Light" by Dr. James Dobson and his wife. I truly can say that this has helped us to talk about touchy subjects and made our marriage better. The nights- or weeks, sometimes, if we let it go that far- that we don't do our devotion- I can see it affecting our marriage. We are mean and ugly- lackadaisical- and not Christ-like to the other.  If you aren't talking about God in your marriage- I can 100% assure you that it is going no where and will never be any different than it is now. 

Last night's devotion was probably the most heart piercing one we have read. I feel very confident in saying that if you were to ask either of us about the other's past- we both know pretty much everything that has gone on- maybe not the whole, but the idea of it. This week's theme is forgiveness. Like a boomerang back in my life coming for me again. More like a never ending bell ringing in my ear.

I should say that my problem is not in forgiving- that is truly hard- I am totally willing to let that happen- but my problem lies in the fact that the people we have been feuding with don't think they have done anything wrong- or that they haven't hurt us.

The story last night was about Corie Ten Boom. How she was face to face with her captor- the one who ultimately was responsible for her sister's death and her family's destruction at a concentration camp during Nazi reign. Some years later when she started her ministry- the very man that she would pass daily in that concentration camp- who tortured and killed her family and friends- was in a church where she was speaking (in Germany). Her topic was forgiveness. She spoke about it being a requirement if you are a believer. The story didn't present this man til the end. He was the last one in the building and approached her after everyone had left. She immediately recognized him from her past and the words that he said next were astounding. He said he enjoyed her talk (as she fumbled through her purse, because she didn't want to make eye contact, and she knew he didn't remember her) and then he extended his hand and asked for her forgiveness- because he did in turn recognize her. After a long pause- she extended her hand and told him he was forgiven. He told her that he had become a Christian and knew that God had forgiven him of the cruel things he had done. He lived his life differently now, and apologized for the wrong he had caused for Corie and her family.

I can't explain to you how this tugged on our hearts last night. I truly believe this is one of the most powerful acts of forgiveness I have ever read about. Corie described it as not of her own will- but the Holy Spirit moving her very being to accept that man's hand. The story then went on to say that if that man could be moved to ask for forgiveness- and Christ forgives us of all our mistakes when we accept him- then why can we not try to share that same forgiveness with others (the book was talking about your spouse, but to us it had a different meaning)?

As we talked about who it was hard to forgive- and what it was like to forgive- we were both challenged to at least attempt to make things right with those who have wronged us- and those that we have wronged. I don't know if that opportunity will ever be given to us, considering we have been avoided like we have the plague, but I do know that this time we are ready.

See the bigger picture.

Grace. Mercy. Forgiveness. Peace.

 I don't have the words. I think we have just both pushed it aside and not dealt with it, but now we hope to try and put the pieces of the puzzle together instead of leaving them scattered and lost.

The Pope Life....as of late

Well. My sweet husband turned 30 20 days ago. I am horrible at keeping up with our lives- so here is a brief update.

He turned 30 and we had a big ol party to celebrate him and his awesomeness. College friends and Sunday School friends- some family, and both sets of parents- joined us for a day on the lake. I would show you some pictures- but I was playing hostess with the mostest and didnt have a chance to sit down let alone snap some pics.

I do, however, have a shot of his awesome cake that Milly (my awesome mother in law, M.I.L., Milly? you get it?) made for Kevin. She MADE those guns. Freestyle. Because she rocks.

This was definitely the highlight of the party- until I had Kevin open a gift before we cut the cake. We gave our friends a little surprise (at least we hope it was) and told them we weren't saying anything else about it until later. That- was then the highlight of the party.

Come the next week, we had people my poor husband didnt even know come up and tell us our "secret" news- and apparently we were the talk of the town before Kevin's party.....

...So.. we made the decision to post it on social media (even after we told our friends at the party we weren't for a while) since so many people knew and were asking our families..which isnt cool. And I give you:

The most-awesome baby announcement! 

That's Right! Come December SWAT will have a whole new meaning in the Pope House! These are my hott husband's flight suits for his SWAT team. We decided to go all out for Lil P baby. The American flag just adds to the awesomeness.  The onesie is what I gave Kevin at his party. In case you cant read it, it says "My daddy can arrest your daddy".

We got an overwhelming response of love for us and this baby- and it truly melted my heart to know that many people were excited for us. 

So- we have been doing really well so far. I have had some serious stomach aches, some sensitive teeth- and some serious need to sleep when I get any and every chance. Other than that- its great!

This week (5/20/14) was the big 12 weeks. I have been super worried and just nervous- because I dont care what any mom, book, or internet site says- it is still overwhelming and a lot to take in when a human is growing inside of you. My husband has been super lately and is the most excited about this little blessing. He has been subjected to rubbing my belly, like someone rubbing a lamp for a genie, and has only had to go on one ice cream run. He has also had to deal with my lack of energy to do the laundry...slowly Im coming back around. He wont have to go naked out on the town. 

Our second sonogram was on our 12 week appointment- but before we went, my perfect match, my heart, and my soul mate, Kevin, sent me these to work. Man- he knows how to make me chill out and just be thankful. I am the luckiest girl on the planet to be married to this thoughtful man. 

Our appointment went well and Dr. said Lil P baby is looking good. We go back in 4 weeks for another visit, but wont get another sonogram until 20 weeks. EEKS. That is a long time! But in the meantime- I leave you this sweet- most precious- and exciting blessing to tide you over until the next post. 

Lil P Baby- or Razz as we like to call it, is kicking up a storm! To see that little butt go in the air and those feet just kicking- is truly the most awe-inspiring sight I have ever seen. The baby was really far back- so the sonographer had to dig in my belly to get a good shot. Razz didnt like this and rolled over. I cant even put in to words what that was like to see on a screen! It was absolutely crazy and cool at the same time!

To celebrate a good report, we had Milly and Papa Pope over for dinner (my parents were packing for vacation) and Big Daddy Kevin made homemade ice cream. In case you didnt know, my husband is a master ice cream maker- and he is the one who registered for our awesome churn!

That is our life as of late. Stay tuned, more to come. Summer is about to be in full force- and I am excited about having half of Fridays off! 

Three hundred some odd days

Here is what is has been like to be married to you for a year (and some change).

So, I have heard all sorts of sounds I didnt know existed. Laundry was multiplied by 7 when I said I do. The art of folding your shirts has finally come around. You are nice and let me sleep because you don't like being yelled at. Saturday morning breakfasts are always fun. You have way too many socks. Your hearing is dang near awful. You can fix anything, even if I didnt break it. I like when you make spaghetti. Your dish-washing skills are quite impressive. We both are competitive sleepers. The songs that we sing to our dogs should never be revealed to anyone. The floss-fart rule still stands. You have changed my spending habits- no new clothes once a month anymore, and that isn't always a bad thing. You love my parents and I love yours. It excites me when you sing Christian songs in the car. You know how to communicate- and that is what makes us strong. You pray for me and us- and never waiver in your faith to be the best man you can be before the Lord. There is a lot more, but this past year has been awesome. 

Little did you know babe, that I was praying for you long before you came. If you haven't read any of my desperate, horrible,tearfest, pathetic, what in the world was I thinking writing all of that, blog  from 2012, then you truly don't know the heartache that I had before you. I wrote a post on June 19th, 2012 that had a lot of questions that I couldn't find the answers to. I wanted to answer them now, because I finally know the answers. All it took was you. 

The original post can be found here. Im just going to answer a couple of them today.

Why is it that every one of my friends from college is happy, married, pregnant, or living the dream- and I feel like I am barely getting by?
Answer: Because it was God's time for them. Each person's time is different and not on the same clock or schedule. My time had not come yet, and he was waiting for the right time to allow me to get to the next point in my life. You were surely worth the wait. I am so happy- overjoyed and married life is the best thing ever. He makes everything beautiful in its time. Ecc 3:10
Now the date of the old post is significant. I had my first date with you  3 days later. Thanks for the happy God, in the form of this hottie. 











What does it feel like to wake up next to the same person every day? What does it feel like to know that someone loves you so much they want to spend the rest of their life with you- no one else but you?
Answer: it is the most amazing feeling in the world. There have been many sleepless nights this past year waiting on you to come home for work. Your 3am shift is really hard on me, but the sound of the beep beeps from the alarm and the garage door opening are some of the most comforting sounds at that time in the morning. SWAT callouts (like the 2 this week) scare me because I want you to come back, but I do have a different, hard-to-explain peace because I know you and your team are really good at what you do- and it is a controlled environment. I guess I get more scared from routine traffic stops because people are idiots. I  miss you when you are gone. I look at my ring everyday and thank God for you. I pray for you daily- for your safety and for your return. 

To know that you truly love me- flaws and all- makes my tear up and I am so grateful for you. I never have to question (even though I ask every day) if you still love me. You are so patient with me. You love me so much- and aren't afraid to show it. You include me in your life- and ask my opinion and that makes me thankful. You are my happy ending and you were my new beginning.  It is so awesome to know that you wanted me- and went through a LOT to make me yours. 

What is it like to know that you make someone happy? What does it feel like to know that someone wants to make you the happiest person in the world and they do simple random sweet nice things to make this happen? Or yet- what is it like to know that someone WANTS you in their life as well as NEEDS you?

Again- you go out of your way to show love to me. I get the BEST birthday presents. You really do go overboard. Flowers are routine with you- and you still take me on dates. All I have to do is mention what I want, and you get it or make it happen. Like our anniversary trip. I said I just wanted a weekend enjoying Atlanta one day- and you planned the perfect trip. Or my Christmas presents. Down to the eye cream, you got it all right. or my engagement ring. You do listen, even when I think you are just not paying me any attention. The details you put into life are so sweet and genuine. It is so nice to come home and you want to hug me. I have never had that kind of love before. You never give up on me- even when I have long given up on myself. I know you need me. Not for laundry, or cooking you dinners, or doing the grocery shopping, or running your Epsom salt baths-I know you want and need me because you tell me. (hey I need you for yard work and ironing. and handyman stuff like hanging pictures- and because you make my life better. 

What is it like to sit back in your house and know that you are paying for this house- you own it? I don't pay the bills, but Hey- thanks for making my dreams come true. It is so cool to go to a place that you are contributing to- and own, and it ours. I love our house and I will never forget on our first date you said "My house is kind of empty. Maybe you can help me decorate it." Little did I or you know that I wouldn't be much of a decorator. Those 3 canvases though, they make it work. Maybe one day I will print out pictures for all the frames I am hoarding. 

How does it feel to know someone is really in love with you, and that they don't just love you as a person, they are in love with you? I cant even explain it. You are so open and honest with me. You really do love me, but even more so, are in love with me. You aren't afraid to show me off. Let's never let that go away ok? 

Why do we have to be alone, when we don't want to be alone- no friends, no common comforts, nothing- and why does it hurt so bad?
Because God has a bigger and higher purpose for you. When you get to the good parts in life, you will appreciate them more because of where you have been and what you had to go through to grow. Because being alone taught me that I didn't need any guy to define me. It taught me how to pick up and start over. It taught me that it is ok to fail and make mistakes as long as you don't stay there. Your character is who you are when no one is looking. For a long time, lets just say I wasn't worth looking at- or being around- or being suitable for someone. God had to work on me to get me ready. Ready for you. Definitely not the way I would have chosen, but I can say that now I understand why. 


 You are truly the best husband ever and I can't thank God enough. I hope the past year has been this awesome for you! I hope you have an extra special May Day tomorrow! The big 3-0. The Dirty Thirty. Yikes. Glad it's you first and not me! 

With 4 days left

I haven't written since I was trying to get that large elephant off of my chest. I have been enjoying my marriage and taking in the last bit of the first year- and let me just say the first year was great.

Along the way in revealing my weaknesses, my vulnerabilities, my struggles and what I am dealing with as a Christian woman- not anyone else's stuff- it seems I have been once again labeled a hypocrite and the internet police have said "I can't do that". Word to the wise- if you complain about what I write- and tell me directly to my face that you don't want to read my blog or talk about me and what I write- um...don't read it. It isn't a make or break deal for me. But in all seriousness, if you say you could care less what I write about (hey, for the record- it is mainly Jesus)- why are you still here?? You don't have to read this, no one is forcing you.

 I'm not alarmed if my readership doesn't increase. Again, this is my therapy and my time. This is my blog. Not a tutorial. Not a cookbook. Not a fashionista stop. There are plenty of awesome blogs that do that. This is however, my real world and I'm trying to be honest. I'm not here to deal with anyone but me. My writings can come across as snarky, but if you truly know me- and know my heart- you know that being a Christian is everything to me.   

Since my last reveal of what I had been dealing with, I have prayed and prayed- gone to the alter and prayed for healing and restoration. I have shared my struggle of unforgiveness with my Sunday School class and I have complained to my husband for the past 4 months. 

I haven't been praying just for me- I have been trying to pray for the people who hurt me as well (even when they don't want my prayers). Do y'all even know how hard that is? I'm thankful that I have a God-fearing husband who helps me with the things I struggle with. He reminds me that they need grace just as Christ gave it to me. Hard. Pill. To. Swallow. 

Grace can be summed up as: getting what you don't deserve. Man, sometimes I wish that "eye for an eye" was still in play. That is wrong guys, but that is truth. But my loving husband with his patient and godly heart, reminds me that it does no good to treat people the way they treat you. It only makes your character a reflection of your flesh- and not a reflection of Christ. 

My one and only goal in this life that I have been given is to model Christ. All the rest will fade away. I want to know that I have defended my faith and stood up when others persecuted the Jesus I love. I want to know that I have been an example of Christ to others when they needed it most. I don't selfishly want this for my gratification- I want it for God's glorification. Move me out of the picture. 

Sometimes I don't have a Christ-like attitude. You know why? Because I let my flesh get the best of me and let the devil get a foothold. I am human- and I never said I was perfect. I do, however, believe in the author and perfecter of my faith and I know that Christ is in me. 

As the last days of lent wrap up, I pray my revelation of Christ is magnified and he is glorified. I pray for healing still in my heart and those who have shot the arrows. I pray for Easter to be a marvelous reminder that God's love for us is real and nothing can take that away from us. 

I wouldn't read this if I was you

Stop. I'm serious. I am giving you fair warning to turn away. You don't want to read any further. Trust me. 







Still reading? Then let me give you a small glimpse of what you are about to read.

You are going to the depths of  my heart. You are going to see the "real me". You will see what I am struggling with and why I am hurt. You will hear direct quotes and see exactly how things have been for a while.

And should you so choose to continue reading- know that this is my personal perspective- just my view point. There are others who have their own opinions as well, but this is my blog- and I do what I want. This is the best account I can give you of the shadow of darkness that has consumed my life for the past months. Run and tell that. 


Should you find this abrasive or mean- or why in the world is she writing this- this is really personal and wow- she is bold-  you will see the end point. ...but there is still time to stop reading right now. 




Here Goes.




"I deleted you because you talk about Jesus all the time..and because I didn't want to read about it"
"We didn't have any problems before a year and half ago- oh wait that is when she came along"
"I just think you are a hypocrite- because you wouldn't drink when you first came around- but now that is ok? That doesnt make any sense"
"She is the problem"
"I appreciate your prayers, but we don't need any extra prayers for our baby"
"Is that what you think- you think they like you? ha ha"
"She is destroying this family"
" I don't give a (disturbing word that mom's should never say) where you got that  from- you cannot have anything like that because it is ours"
"You need to get control of your wife or there will be consequences"
"She thinks she is better than everyone else and walks around with her chest poked out like she owns the place"
"We go out of our way to speak to her- she never speaks to us"- (can you really blame me?)


Here is my personal favorite: "We have never trusted her or will never trust her. She can't be trusted around our baby because she is intentionally going to hurt her"

All of these are statements that have been said about me in the past (almost) two years. These are certainly not all of them, just the ones that hurt me the most. Not sure how they make you feel- but I can tell you I have shed many a tear over some of these hurtful things. 

I have had a lot of bitterness, anger, spite, malice, and pure hatred in my heart- mostly since December. (I know the falalalaala's should have gotten me out of my angry state, but this year I only saw red- and it wasn't Santa Claus). Just writing about it now makes me angry. 

I cannot tell you of a time when I had been more heartbroken and flat out angry at the same time. Words are for real- and they wound and kill. I have woken up from nightmares because of my anger. I have cried to my husband how someone could say such hurtful things and never care how it makes someone else feel. I have envisioned really mean things because I let my anger get the best of me.

It has been a rough, dark few last months. 

This year when Lent came around, I decided that I didn't need to give up bread or candy for 40 days- because that would be for my own selfish desires- and God would take no pleasure in that. Losing weight would have to come another time. I really thought long and hard what I could give up that was keeping me from Christ. So, Ash Wednesday I made my prayer to God at the alter with my husband- that I would try to learn how to forgive in 40 days. 

I have come to realize that everyone needs improvement, but I am the one who needs it most. I am still searching God and crying out for him to teach me to forgive and let go of my anger. It is so incredibly hard. 

So hard. I have been able to remind myself to pray when anger coming knocking, but I still have a long way to go before Easter. 

I didn't write this to shame or embarrass anyone. I didn't write this because I want bad things to happen to the people who have said those things. And I sure didn't write this for anyone's pity or praise.

I wrote this, because I want you to know my struggle. I want you to know that this Lenten season has been and is the hardest of my life. 

Each week, I have been given a reminder that this was the right thing to give up. My husband says "God isn't going to bless us if we have anger and unforgiveness in our hearts". I am learning so much, but am still far from allowing forgiveness in. 

I know I am only hurting myself by being bitter and angry. I know that God is not glorified when I choose to be either of those. 

So, as I bring this post to a close, I seek to find the true blessing of being able to forgive. I hope to let my boiling blood and racing heart calm down. I seek to replace angry with fruits of the Spirit. I seek to let go- and let God. I pray for the transformation that God has urged me to complete and I pray that by his strength- he makes me new and I am able to praise Jesus even louder. 

Until next time-
Rachel