40 day mark

We are 40 days away from the big show. From my last name changing. From all this effort being played out. From becoming a little family. 

Where has the time gone? Seems like just yesterday Kevin and I were on our first date. Little did I know that was just the beginning of the rest of our lives. 

We are in premarital counseling with our preacher who is conducting the wedding. It has been interesting and sometimes frustrating to hear what the other one has to say. We both have learned a lot and make references to those sessions a lot. We had to take a long test online to determine a lot of things- and we scored 100 on a lot of them. Apparently this doesn't happen a lot. We know we have a special relationship that is very different from most of the people getting married these days.

We also had to list our stress level from wedding planning. At the time- I was pretty ok- and my scores reflected a 10 stress level. Kevin's was a 20. In our session Saturday he asked me if I lied on the test because apparently that is not the case now. He said the bulk of his stress comes from me stressing him out about the things I am stressed about. Seems to have gotten a lot more intense since we took that test. 

I don't really think I am stressed so much about the wedding part- I am stressed about the things I can't control. Parking. Weather. Guest list. Those would be the three things I just wish would fall into place. 

Everyone keeps asking me are you getting excited? And I am excited about marrying the love of my life- I just am not at that pure excitement stage. That stage where you get to the point where you don't care anymore about the details and just focus on why you are getting married. People keep saying that at the end of the day we will be married and that is all that matters. I understand that- but that is not anything remotely close to how I see the day playing out. 

I have already planned to expect everything to not go as planned- but I just want to have a special day where everyone gets along, the weather is nice, and the party is worth remembering. 

I have completed a lot of tasks- we have had vendors booked since a week after getting engaged. I have made all of the major decorations but one last thing- hopefully we get that done this week. All my maids have dresses and shoes. The groomsmen's suits will be in soon. My dress ships this week. The table runners are almost done. Showers start this week. Honeymoon got booked last week. I ordered Kevin's wedding band Friday. My fitness routine has picked up. We are making purchases together for our home. 

Life is happening all around us. Sometimes I think this isn't real and my world is just going to stop all of a sudden. I know it isnt going to, but I still have that thought in the back of my head. 

We are getting ready to enter into one of the most sacred covenants and I want our hearts to be in the right place. Not in the ribbon and lights- not in the vanilla cupcakes vs chocolate cupcakes- not even in honeymoon part. I want our hearts to be reflective of Christ and his great love for us. How we can fill those roles and responsibilities to honor God and the one that he has called us to spend the rest of our lives with. How we can choose to build up our other half and encourage them to walk closer with the Lord. 

So, if you are reading this, pray for these last days leading up to the changing of our lives. Pray for peace, direction, stress reduction, and just safety and health over our families and friends.

The everyday leading to more

Last night while literally only having my nose above the bubbles- I came to some conclusions about life. 

I went to that tub to try and see if I could just get away- but the funny thing is- that is where I have the most enlightenments. I just let the jets run and run and- then before I knew it- there was a mile high mountain of bubbles around me. 

Things I thought about while in there: (besides that it was too hot and lacking air flow)

You need a shovel for life. A shovel to dig out the things that don't need to be there. A shovel to get rid of all the crap you may have been dealing with. My history teacher, Dr. George (Dr. G) at JHA would always get his imaginary shovel out when we would start complaining about tests and quizzes. Our class must have had him wrapped around our deceitful fingers- because we postponed everything- even the final exams. He knew we were full of crap- and would just shovel the air away. Quite comical at the time- but so relevant to my life right now. 

People who really don't have your best interest at heart are like a bubble bath. Nice and pretty- then gone. You can blow them away and they don't return. But if you really think about it, they really don't provide anything but a moment. No safety- no cushioning- just a round circle of liquid. Use your shovel to help get rid of some of these people in your life. Though bubbles are nice at the time they are surrounding you- but don't you want to surround yourself with things/people that last?

Lotion smooths out the rough places on your ashy body. Maybe you aren't ashy- but you could be. In life we need to be reminded to put this on when we say or do things that cause a little tension or roughness between others. This week just hasn't been my week. I have snapped on 2 students and one coworker and just really wasn't my nicest self to my director. Kevin has caught a lot of attitude too. And I have not been the nicest to my parents either. To really think about it- I haven't been pleasant at all this week.  I could blame that on a lot of things- but the truth is- it's just me. Nothing else. Sometimes you have to apologize and admit your faults. It is really hard to do, but better for you in the end. 

Doors may be open to new opportunities, but windows give the soul rest.  Windows allow you to see things from a different perspective- and if you want something to change- then you walk through the door. The window is the spark to get the door to open. My office has no windows- so it really stinks being in a complete glass building with no point of view but asylum gray and blue walls. Remind yourself to look out the windows more often. Open the blinds and let the light shine in. 

After almost melting away and fainting from the too-thought-provoking-bubble bath- I stumbled to the couch to be reminded not everyone has a nice landing place when they mess up. 

I know where I can go and I know who I can talk to when the lemons of life get pelted my way.  Sometimes it doesn't feel like lemons- more like grenades- but none the less- I know where to find my comfort. With my hands up and tear filled eyes- I turn to the most Holy. I know a lot of people don't have this safety net or comforting place to rest in, and it burdens my soul to know that they don't experience the peace I do when all of life's frustrations are too much. 

I struggle all to often to be- and sometimes- I have to be reminded that life is hard- you will mess up- you can't give in. So even though this might seem like the strangest post- I know that in order to be made better, I have to be broken down. I also know that in my weakness, Christ's strength is made perfect. 

Get down your shovels, open your windows, and put on your lotion. We have work to do.